Kissing You Goodbye

Dan awoke with a start as lightening illuminated the hotel room around him. It crashed around his body, and he willed to his heart to slow its beating. Blinded by sudden darkness, he groaned and rolled out of bed, knees and hands connecting with the dirty floor beneath him. Why he had let Quinn and Bert party in his and Jeph’s room was a mystery. When they first arrived in their hometown, the hotel had been clean, smelling like lemons, and surprisingly inviting. He and Jeph had cuddled on these same beds hours before the show. But now, the room’s floor was strone about with clothes and empty beer bottles, and Dan swore as his foot collided with a suitcase. He quieted himself down, as to not wake the sleeping Jeph on his quest to the bathroom. Once he did his business, he stepped out again, and another strike of lightening made Dan realize Jeph wasn’t in his bed. But Dan’s brain wasn’t processing information well yet. It was too early, too late for him to think logically. The alarm’s bright red lights told Dan that it was 2:16 am, and he simply couldn’t be bothered with worrying about where his boyfriend was.
He crawled back into bed, turning towards Jeph’s bed. He didn’t like not seeing the tattooed bassist asleep next to him. Jeph looked so adorable when he slept, Dan thought, looking completely innocent and snoring lightly. Dan huffed to himself. He knew he couldn’t sleep without Jeph. As he opened his eyes, his brows furrowed. On Jeph’s wrinkled bed, lay an open pack of cigarettes and half a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Dan searched his mind as he sat up again, trying to remember if he had opened a new pack of cigs before he went to sleep. He knew he didn’t. He stood up, slightly worried now, as he went to inspect the bed. Jeph didn’t smoke, Jeph never smoked. In fact, Jeph was always the one telling Dan not to smoke, and smacking him when smelled too much like the poison for his liking. Maybe it was the ten minutes of being awake, maybe it was that third crash of lightening, but something in Dan’s mind told him the situation wasn’t quite right. There was a pit bubbling in his stomach, telling him that the pierced bassist should have been in his bed. That same feeling told him to go and look for Jeph, and he strode out the door after throwing on a pair of pants and plain black shirt. His mind told him to call the older man, heart knew he wouldn’t pick up. Worry made him move faster, and damn, did he need a smoke. If only Jeph hadn’t taken his lighter, and he almost laughed at the thought of health conscious Jeph smoking.
Growing disheveled, Dan knocked loudly on Bert and Quinn’s door, surprised not to hear the couple fucking. That was one of the great things about The Used, Dan had decided. He had never met two human beings as close as Bert and Quinn, and had even met a new love while fulfilling his desire to drum.
Bert interrupted Dan’s thoughts, greasy black hair hanging limply off his face. His crystal eyes blinked at the light from the hall, and he stepped outside in plaid boxers and white socks.
“Dan. What’s up, man?”
“Have you or Quinn seen Jeph?” Dan was desperate by now. Jeph drinking alone worried Dan. Jeph smoking worried Dan. Not being able to find Jeph fucking anywhere worried Dan.
“No, man. Quinn’s been asleep, and I haven’t seen him since after our little party,” Bert smiled at the previous night’s events, “Have you tried calling him?”
Dan nodded, “Fucking five times man, he won’t answer the damn phone.” Dan was literally shaking now, and Bert noticed. From behind his ear, Bert produced a single cigarette and handed it to Dan, along with a book of matches from his sock.
“Here man, you owe me. And I’m sure Jeph’s fine. Besides, he loves thunderstorms. He’s probably just drinking coffee somewhere weird and can’t hear his phone.”
Dan fake smiled and took the offered cancer stick. He didn’t want to give himself away. Even though he knew Bert and Quinn were far from being homophobes, he wasn’t sure how Jeph felt about telling them. No, Dan couldn’t let the cat out of the bag. And he certainly couldn’t tell Bert that he had already checked all Jeph like places in the hotel twice. Dan could think of only one other place in the seven story hotel Jeph might be. He just prayed he would be wrong. Thunder vibrated through the elevator, and Dan prayed to whatever was holy, that he wouldn’t find Jeph on the roof.

Dan reached the last destination the elevator would take him, and he let himself onto the balcony of the seventh floor lobby. Outside, rain fell heavily, instantly matting his hair and strikes of silver continued to light the sky. Dan noticed the fire escape ladder to his right, really didn’t want to have to crawl up it. He sighed as he noticed smoke coming from the roof. Suspicions confirmed, he put nerves aside, and began to climb the shaky stairs to the roof. Feet hit the pavement, and relief flooded his body as he saw a dark figure in front of him.
“Jesus Christ, Jeph,” Dan walked towards him, and Jeph turned in surprise. Dan wanted to know how he was managing to smoke in the rain. Dan slowed his steps as he noticed how his boyfriend swayed on his feet. The overly healthy vegetarian had a speck of fire between his lips, and it was then that Dan noticed how close Jeph was to the edge of the building. Cars whizzed below him, and nervousness again flooded his body.
“Jepha,” he said cautiously, “what are you doing?”
Jeph’s normally bubbly voice broke the silence, his speech slurred and quiet and so sad.
“Leave me alone,” and he turned his back on Dan, eyes again watching the cars below him. His eyes flickered around, trying to see a car that could catch his fall.
“Jeph, what the hell are you doing?” Dan stepped closer, just as Jeph inched his way to the edge.
“I said leave me alone. Please, just go.”
Dan’s tone turned desperate, persistent, but he stayed so confused.
“No, Jeph, I’m not leaving you like this. I‘m not leaving you drunk on a rooftop.” He inched closer, trying to get behind the older man. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on. The only thing his brain could think was rain and Jeph and he’s going to fucking fall.
“It’s so beautiful tonight,” and Jeph swayed on his feet again as he gazed up at the sky. He stumbled as he craned his neck, loosing his footing, and falling on his ass.
“Jeph, please stop, you’re going to fucking fall!”
Jeph ignored him, instead standing back up. There was only a few feet between the men, but it was still a great enough distance that Dan couldn’t get his arms around the shorter man.
“I’m going to jump, you know.” Jeph spoke them like he was talking about what he ate for breakfast, and they instantly chilled Dan’s stomach. “It will be so beautiful when I fall.”
Dan’s heart beat faster; he knew he was loosing Jeph. He was talking fucking crazy, why was he going on about jumping off the roof? He was fine a few hours ago, laying happily with him in Utah. But then again, today had been the first day in months he had seen Jeph smile so much. Even the fans had noticed something was up with Jeph, leaving comments on myspace pictures telling him to smile more. Dan couldn’t stomach the amount of guilt that was crawling into his body. Maybe if he would have noticed, said something to Jepha, then he wouldn’t be standing here, with death greeting his eyes.
Jeph stood now, Nikes covered toes over the edge of concrete. He bent his body at the waist, and the wind seemed to push him. With a yelp, he found himself tumbling forward. Dan screamed at the same time Jeph did, moving at Superman speed, and clutched Jeph around his stomach, pulling him back hard and falling on his ass, Jeph’s body on top of his. When he knew Jeph was safe, he let himself go, tears wetting his eyes, and he tightened his grip on Jeph.
“Oh, god, Jeph, what were you thinking?”
“I want to fucking die, don’t you understand? I can’t handle this anymore,” And Jeph broke down too, body going limp in Dan’s arms as he sobbed loudly.
“Why, baby? Tell me why, why do you want to die?” Dan didn’t understand, desperately wanted to understand why his boyfriend suddenly had a death wish. His mind instantly jumped to the result of him being there seconds to late; of seeing Jeph fall off the building, his colored body painting the street below them. Suddenly, it was the only thing he could think about, and he couldn’t begin to imagine life without him.
“I can‘t do this anymore. Why am I such a bad person? Why are you even with me?”
“What can’t you do anymore?” Maybe Jeph didn’t love him after all. Actually, they had never even said the words to each other. But Dan was sure he loved him.
“Everything,” and Jeph went still and silent. His eyes closed, and once Dan’s surprise melted away, he reached up to stroke Jeph’s wet black hair. Above them, the rain seemed to let up, and white clouds contrasted the midnight sky.
Dan melted. He had to let Jeph know he loved him. He had to make him see that.
“You’re not a bad person. You’re my best friend, Jeph, I fuckin’ love you. And I won’t let you go. I won’t kiss you goodbye.”
“How can you kiss me, how can you even stand me? How can you love me?”
Jeph’s wet body stayed on top of Dan, shaking in coldness as Dan moved his stroking down to Jeph’s ribs.
“How could I not love you?”
A question with a question, but Jeph wasn’t soothed at all.
“Why didn’t you let me jump?”
“Good god, Jeph. Stop.” and Dan connected their lips, tongue swiveling in Jeph’s mouth. His tongue connected with Jeph’s, piercing tasting metallic and cold in his mouth. He brought his hands up to caress the bassist’s face.
Once Dan pulled away, he heard Jeph whimper in the back of his throat.
“Listen to me, Jepha. I love you, okay? And I want that to be enough. And I never want to see you on a rooftop again. I will never say goodbye to you like that, you hear me? Never.”
“Okay, okay. Okay,” Jeph seemed to be trying to convince himself that it really was okay. That maybe he could regain the will to live if he had Dan by his side. As Dan began to sing softly, Jeph’s eyes rolled in the back of his head. The coolness of Dan’s breath on his neck lulled him close to slumber, and he seemed to forget his surroundings. He curled his wet body into Dan’s, ears straining to hear the rest of the song.
“And leave me with your complications, take your life, you feel like taking me. Meeting god, we stand in line. Not alone..”
Dan trailed off to speak to Jeph again, knew the older man was falling asleep. His lips brushed the other’s ear, as he whispered “I love you” over and over until he was sure Jeph was asleep. Once positive, he leaned up and picked the sleeping man up with him, carrying him bridal style down the stairs. It was still early, now almost 5am, and no one seemed to notice the wet men walking around the halls. When they were safe in their own room, Dan stripped his lover out of wet clothes, tucked him into a warm hotel comforter. After sending a text Bert’s way, telling him Jeph was safe, he slipped into bed next to him. The emotions of the night’s event hit him like a ton of bricks, and he was falling asleep faster than ever in his life. But right before sleep overtook his body, he felt Jeph snuggle up to him, his sigh tickling the skin above his collar bone.
When Jeph spoke, it was a breathless whisper, and one that couldn’t have made Dan happier.
“I fuckin’ love you too. And I’m so sorry. But I know you’ll make this all worth while.”
Dan could finally, rest in peace.