You Can't Take That Away

I woke up alone that morning. The sheets were tangled around my naked body and Alex’s scent had replaced my own. I knew the boys were doing their set, I just wish that they would have woken me up to watch it. I wanted my last day to be full of the things I missed out on, but the more and more I glanced at the clock or the door in hope s that they would come get me at last minute, the more I realized it would never happen.

I took an extra long shower that morning to avoid the feeling of being alone. I spent more time dressing myself to look nice for my goodbye, but more than anything I spent time going around the bus to find small things that I could remember about the boys when I was gone.

I realize that I wouldn’t be going the rest of my life without seeing them, but I knew that I wouldn’t see them often. Maybe a few minutes after a show if I could afford the tickets. Maybe a night out for drinks if they’d let me. I understood that my time on the bus was like graduating from High School. No matter how many promises we made to keep in touch, we wouldn’t.

By the time the bus door opened I had already packed my bags. I felt nervous to face the boys and tell them goodbye, but at the same time I was happy that I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. My thoughts were trying to kill me. I zipped up the suitcase Rian had bought me one on of our short trips out and tossed it on the kitchen table as I entered the room.

My high hopes of seeing all four of the boys came crashing to the ground when only three faces smiled at me. Zack looked nervous, Rian looked sorry, and Jack looked drunk. I wanted to ask them where Alex was and demand that someone go get him so I could say goodbye, but the looks on their faces told me I was better off without mentioning him.

“Are you ready?” Rian asked with a soft smile. “We were going to take a cab to meet them, but Chad said that he would just meet us in town to make it easier for us to leave on time. He should be there any minute now.”

“Uh,” I paused for a moment to glance at the door. I wanted to see Alex come in with a smile on his face. But he didn’t. “I guess so.”

The three of them nodded their heads, and without asking, Zack threw my bag of his shoulder and Jack handed me my purse. Rian led me outside as the other two followed. Our walk into the City was very short. The streets were filled with cars and headlights, seeing as the boys had come home much later than they usually did and nighttime was already falling over us.

“Alex wanted to be here,” Jack chocked out. “He said-”
“It was too hard to say goodbye,” Rian cut him off quickly. “And that he’s sorry.”

“Don’t lie to the poor girl,” Jack continued. “He said that it’s best you understand your conversations didn’t mean as much as his drunk mouth made you believe, and that you should probably pretend that last night didn’t even happen, because as soon as your scratch marks fade, he’s pretending you’re not real.”

As I looked Jack in the eyes I could feel my heart rip apart. What Alex and I shared last night, that wasn’t just a one-night-stand. It ran so much deeper than that. My lips trembled as I fought the tears and my body shook to kill the anger.

“It doesn’t matter,” I finally spoke. “I’m leaving anyways.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack sighed. “But if Alex asks me to do something, I’m obligated to do it, you know?”

“Sure,” I gave him a false smile. “I get it. It’s not a big deal.”

I really didn’t expect myself to smile when I saw Chad, but the moment that his body stepped into the coffee shop, I nearly exploded with happiness. I just wanted to get as far away from Alex, and as far away from All Time Low as I could. I threw myself up from the chair I had been sitting in and wrapped my arms tightly around his body.

“That bad, huh?” Chad whispered into my ear. “Next time listen to me when I say don’t trust boys in bands.”

“How did you…?”

“Trust me,” Chad pulled back from the hug with a smile. “I know.”

He planted a kiss on my cheek and stepped away from my confused body. How is it that big brothers can always do that? That’s why I loved Chad so much. I never had to explain what I did wrong or try to make up for it. He just knew.

“Hey guys, how have you been?” Chad asked with a smile. “Hope Charley hasn’t been driving you mad.”

“Charley?” Jack asked with a large smile. “Damn. And I’ve been calling you Char.”

“Chad is the only one with the rights to call me that, because if I kill him, it doesn’t mean as much.”

“Ouch.” Chad winced. “Seriously, though, I haven’t seen you guys in like, two years.”

“I know man,” Rian sighed. “We’re great. How are you?”

“Peachy. A little worn out ‘cause I had to come all the way here for Charley, but it’s my job as her big brother.”

I watched as they laughed and had their guy talk. To be perfectly honest, once they started going, I didn’t hear anything of what they said. I couldn’t stop replaying Jack’s voice over and over in my mind. How dare Alex say that last night meant nothing. How dare he say that our talks were bullshit. I was so wrong about him. He really does ruin everything he touches.

“Alright, guys, we gotta go.” Chad gave them all those awkward man hugs. “Later. Char, I’ll be outside.”

“Okay.” I nodded to Chad. “Guess this is it.”

Rian Dawson was the first to take me into his arms. He held me so tightly he almost cut off my air supply, but knowing that he actually did care about me made it better. He pulled away from my body with a soft smile.

“I’m really going to miss you. I don’t care what anyone says. You’re a great person, Charlotte. I promise that I’ll see you again, okay?” Rian smiled as best he could. He dug deep in his pockets for a moment and pulled out a beat up guitar stick. “It’s the one I used today. I want you to keep it.”

“Thanks, Rian,” I returned the smile. “I’ll miss you.”

“Here,” Zack handed over my bags along with one of his tee-shirts. “I can tell you’re not comfy in those girly clothes, so I’m giving you a shirt I know you’ll like.”

“Awe. Thanks, Zack. That means a lot.”

He gave me an awkward hug before he stepped back for Jack to say his final words.

“Well, Charley,” he shot me a smile. “I know I’ve been an ass, but the fact that you took care of me when I was drunk officially makes you cool with me. You and I will sing songs by a campfire one day. Mark my words!”

I laughed as Jack pulled me into a hug. He held me tightly for a moment, before he pushed his body off of mine and handed me a guitar pick.

“I’m not as cool as those two, but I played with this today, too. So keep it an think of me every time you’re naked.”

“Oh. Okay?” I gave a small laugh. I was fighting my gut to keep tears from their goodbyes down. “I should go. But I want you all to know that I forgive you for being rude or whatever else you did, and this has been one of the best moments of my life. I’ll miss you guys. Tell Alex I’m sorry for whatever I did, okay?”

“You got it,” Jack sighed. “Bye, Char.”

I gave them each a final hug, and with no more words to be said, I left the coffee shop and joined my brother outside. We walked slowly back to his car, and the entire way there he held his arms around me so I could cry on his shoulder. I was going to miss them, and that stupid bus more than I’d ever missed anything before.

+++++++++++++++++++

“Where is she?”

The street lamps had already shut down and the small shops were closing. Alexander Gaskarth had spent his entire night drinking away all the bad thoughts he had about himself, and somewhere in the mist of empty beer bottles, he found a way to connect with himself, and that connection had a name. Charlotte Gannon.

Admittedly, the things that he said about her were lies, but to Alexander Gaskarth, that was the only way to deal with the bad things that he couldn’t change. After drink after drink he came to the conclusion that unless he made it to that coffee shop and said everything he needed to say that he would never make peace with himself.

“She’s gone, dude.”

“She can’t be gone!” Alex cried. “No, shit, no!”

“What’s the big deal?” Jack questioned with raised eyebrows. “You don’t even like her, dude.”

“Like Hell.” Alex blurted out. “I’m such a fucking idiot. How could I let her go?”

“She said she’s sorry.” Zack spoke up with a sad look on his face. Never had any of them seen Alex so torn up over a girl. “For whatever she did to make you hate her so much.”

“I don’t hate her,” Alex groaned. He hid his face in his calloused hands. “Shit.”

“I’m sorry, bro.” Rian Dawson put his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “She wanted you to be there.”

“I should have been here. I’m so fucking stupid.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it, man,” Jack commented. “You were drunk. You’re still drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do know what I’m saying, and I know what I want to say, but it’s too late.”

Even though he didn’t get to say goodbye or tell her how he felt, there was one thing that Alexander Gaskarth was sure of. He had a promise to keep.

Silence is easy, to say this is killing me. I’m sorry you wasted a thousand tears on me, but something was missing, and I’m regretting it tonight. Pushing you away. I know you don’t believe me.
They turned off the street lights before I could goodbye, ‘cause I was a lost cause, you still kept me alive. So if you are listening, I‘m regretting it tonight.
Maybe it‘s too late, but if you ever could believe me, I just wanna say.
I remember conversations before I gave up on me, and if it‘s any consolation, I remember everything and you can‘t take that away.
You were the one who save me, and you can‘t take that away.