It's Just the Way We're Diseased

I was in that dark place for awhile. Then I remembered something. "Syn..." It was dark now. I'd let the entire day pass me by. "Brian..." I was almost frantic. My foot. In the last 24 or more hours I'd completely forgotten I'd almost had my foot shot off. I was still sitting on the bed. Syn had known that when I delved into darkness like that, that it was useless to try to bring me back. That I was gone for hours. There was one time I was gone for three days. He knew that it was hard to bring me out of it, also. That I'd get so consumed by it that I wouldn't respond to being shaken or yelled at. He's tried throwing water on me, tried burning me, he's tried whatever he could think of. The three day period he was able to break me out of with cold water. Because cold wasn't something I was used to. It was more painful than burning, in most cases. This time? My foot was on fire. And I was alone.

"Brian." I got up and limped out of the bedroom. They were all in the living room. I slowly limped down the hall until I heard them talking. All of them. Well.. Where was Grace?

"So how's Lisa? It's been four hours since you came out of the room." Jimmy asked.

"She's uh...." Syn sighed. I heard them set down some cards. They were playing cards? "She's mentally checked out, again." He muttered.

"The dark place that she talks about?" Johnny asked.

"Yeah. I guess so. I'll never understand that. Cause that's all she leaves it at." Syn sounded a little confused. But that's because that's all it is.

"When she goes into that dark place, it's a memory. She doesn't realize she's remembering it, either." Jimmy said. I blinked. What is he talking about? It wasn't a memory.

"What memory?" Matt asked. He was probably wondering if Grace had the same problem, then.

"Our parents had this iron maiden type thing. And when they put the girls in it, it would be completely dark. They couldn't hear anything, see anything. They just felt the slight poking of the nails that they had to be careful not to lean too much into. That's why nothing breaks her out of it. She's so used to concentrating on not moving for fear of having nails pushed through her that she still just stays perfectly still. That pain and everything doesn't break her concentration. It's when she starts seeing light again that, in the memory it means the door was opened. In her case now it just means she's done punishing herself. It's rare when she breaks out of it for some other reason." Jimmy knew me better than I knew me.

"And she doesn't realize it?" Zacky asked.

"She's punishing herself?" Syn asked. I heard him get up, stretching.

"Yeah. The guilt inside her from not being able to save Grace as children..." Jimmy sighed.

"I never understood that either." Syn was going toward the kitchen.

"She uh. She thinks it was her duty to save Grace. That's why she always yelled at my parents to get them to hit her. When they were about 11 our parents realized what she was doing and that she was winning for all those years. So anytime she begged to take the hits, they'd do worse to Grace knowing that, that was the real way to punish Lisa." Jimmy explained. And again, he knew me better than anyone. I leaned against the hall wall and slid down, looking at my shot foot.

"What'd Lisa do?" Matt asked. They all knew this stuff. In a general way. Jimmy was giving them the specifics that I ran away from.

"She gave up. Every time they went to torture Grace they'd be like, 'How do you feel about this, Lisa?' and she'd just look at them and say, 'Whatever you want to do. Can I go play outside?' And they still lost. She cared so much that she took the beatings. And then she didn't care enough that it took the fun out of it for them. And she got locked away more. And the ritual room was used a lot more." Jimmy shrugged. "And she was always their sacrifice for the ritual."

"What were they doing the ritual for?" Matt asked. That was one thing that they'd always kept to themselves. But Jimmy was giving answers. Would he give the answer to this one?

Yes. "Eternal life. They were trying to sacrifice their own children in hopes to live forever. But... Mother died. We left. And father realized the Devil didn't take to his sacrifices."

And then Syn came around the corner and almost tripped over me. I looked up at him and frowned. He carefully walked around, seeing I obviously didn't want attention on me, and sat beside me.

"What are you doing?" He whispered, pulling me close. I pointed at my foot.

"It hurt. And broke me out of my darkness." I shrugged a little, keeping my voice soft.

"I forgot about that. You've been walking on it and everything. And you just remembered?" He asked.

"The adrenaline, I guess, made me not remember it. But now... It hurts. I think it's infected." I sighed some and went to rub my face and then winced. Zacky and I both had black eyes. Everyone had ignored his. I couldn't ignore mine.

"Sorry, Ally." He said softly. And it flared an unhealthy rage within me.

"Ally?" I hissed. I know my name is Alyssa, but no one had ever made reference to the beginning of it. For all anyone was concerned with, my name is Lisa. Not a short form of anything. Same thing with Grace. That was just it.

"I just.... Wanted to try something new." His voice wasn't as soft anymore.

"Fuck you." I said, standing up and limping out into the living room. They all were looking at me now. "Where's Grace?" I demanded.

"She's laying down." Matt answered calmly. I walked away from him after that. I limped to their room and crawled into the bed next to Grace.

"Gracie..." I whispered, hoping she would wake up.

"What?" She muttered softly. If she remembered anything, she would have told me to never call her that. But she didn't remember that she hated my nickname for her.

"I love you." I frowned.

"Love you, too, Lease." She yawned. She rolled over and looked at me.

"Remember when we used to lay in bed and talk all the time. We'd pretend we weren't sister, but best friends?"

"We are best friends." She smiled. Grace was changed. She wasn't her Grace anymore. But she was there. I smiled back, looking in my mirror's face. Her long hair in contrast to mine. And her eyes... She didn't look broken. She looked lost. Something was blocking her and she knew it. But she didn't know what. And deep, deep down... She looked hardened. Angry. She wanted to break free, but she couldn't.

"Remember when we'd just lay in bed and talk about boys and our future?" I laughed some.

"Yeah." She smiled more. "What's wrong?" She asked suddenly.

"What?" I was confused now.

"You used to only crawl in my bed to talk when you were sad. Or angry. You always wanted to talk to me to escape something...." She furrowed her brows. "I remember that. And I can see it in your eyes.." Broken "You look sad. Lonely." And Grace's innocence made me cry. Suddenly. I couldn't control it. She pulled me close to her and let me cry until we both fell asleep.