It's Just the Way We're Diseased

Grace has changed. And I didn't like it. I would never say it out loud, but it terrified me. She keeps waking up from night terrors. Johnny told us we have to just let cycle through it. I didn't know how many times I could watch it. Syn and I were on one side of the van. It had been about four hours since we got her and she's already had three terrors. I cuddled up to Syn watching Matt and Jimmy try to keep Grace calm on the other side of the van.

It's all your fault

I just stared. I didn't pay attention to anyone or anything. I think Syn might of been talking to me but I didn't answer. I was too wrapped in guilt an despair. I hated making choices. I ran through all the mistakes I made in my life-- and then realized they used me as the choice maker. I came up with plans and they followed them. Sometimes I gave them choices. There were a couple of times they told me I was an idiot for an idea, but then they did it with a couple alterations.

I glared at the side of the van now, thinking about how they all sucked.

It's still your fault. Your the one who fucked your own plan up. You're the one who didn't think everything through. You're the one who got us into this mess.

Angry tears filled my eyes and I covered it up with a wide yawn that went from being fake to real. I wiped my eyes afterward.

"What's wrong?" Syn asked quietly, pulling me close to him, my back to his chest so he could whisper in my ear without anyone else listening in.

"Nothing." I hissed

"I know your games." His arms snaked around my waist and he nuzzled his head into my hair so he could talk quieter. I closed my eyes at his sweet gesture. He was only doing this so we could have some sort of privacy in the view of others. They think we're having some sort of sweet, intimate moment, where we're really just having a conversation that we don't want to include them in on. Usually when this happens, we end up in an argument.

"I'm just angry." I shrugged a little, lightly hitting his chin with my shoulder. His lips found my shoulder. Tonight-- we would not be arguing. One, we wanted Grace to stay asleep. Two, he was horny and would rather torture himself with my scent and closeness than argue with me. He gets a huge boner when we argue. And we can't fuck right now. We're a sick and uncommon couple. But then again, we know how each other work.

"Why?" He asked, his breath grazing my ear.

"She's my sister." I muttered, turning to face him more so he can hear me better as I got quieter.

"Isn't that sweet." He grinned.

"Shut up."

"You like to make everyone think you're such a hard-ass, don't you? When you're really like a soft and cuddly teddy." He teased in my ear. I clenched my jaw together and looked away from him, not pleasing him with a defensive reply.

Grace stirred in her sleep, waking up peacefully this time, looking up at Matt. They whispered in hushed tones to each other and I felt something churn in my stomach that made me feel slightly sick.

"Ugh, they're so sweet and lovie." I snarled some leaning hy head back on Syn's shoulder. He kissed my cheek softly.

"Who are you to talk, Lisa? You and Syn are cuddling like two teenagers that can't get away from each other." Jimmy arched his brow at me. I glared at him.

"Jimmy, you're just jealous you don't have anyone to fuck." I shot back.

"Ouch, defensive, is that because you have a heart and do feel something for Syn?" Jimmy asked.

"No. We were just talking. And I'm cold, he's warm." I frowned. Syn chuckled under me.

"Liar." He muttered into my hair.

"Syn, we're fuck buddies, not lovers." I rolled my eyes. He didn't say anything after that. "See, you know I'm right." I smiled in triumph. You don't want to be right about this. My smile faltered some. Am I going crazy? Is this a conscience or am I hearing voices?

"She's having another fit." Matt said, sounding miserable.

"Johnny!" I snapped suddenly. I couldn't take it. I couldn't let this go on. I couldn't have this happen any more.

"What?" He said from the front.

"Stop. Gracie needs fresh air." It was ten minutes before he found a safe way to pull off into the woods. We piled out of the van, Matt carrying a sleep-terror-ridden Grace.

"We need to wake her up?" Syn asked.

"Yes." I had a couple of snarky comments to make but held back. What's this? Very uncharacteristic of you. I decided on voices. No way in hell did I have a conscience.

"Why?" Matt hissed.

"Matt, who knows her better? Her boyfriend? Or the fucking twin who shared a womb with her? Set her down and I need the five of you to just go the fuck away for a minute!" I was fighting rage that was slowly trying to eat my insides.

"Leave her with you? You're the one who got her stuck there Lisa!" Matt seethed. If he wasn't holding Grace I'd have punched him in the face.

"Do you not think I don't feel bad for that?" I asked, my voice getting lethally quieter. He stared at me for a minute before setting her down carefully, making sure nothing would get in her hair. I waited until they were all back in the van and knelt down by her.

"Gracie." I whispered. She was shaking. "Gracie, please, I need you to wake up." I tried to keep my voice gentle with her, but felt like I was talking to a child. "Fucking, dammit Grace, get up. Snap out of it." I started to pat her face.

"Mm. No. No, go away." She looked like she was trying to fight off flies. I groaned,

"Grace, God dammit, get up. Its me, Lisa!" I hissed at her. Her eyes fluttered open and then snapped open, terror reaching her eyes. I could see the scream building. I slapped my hand over her mouth and shook my head. "Do not scream." You've always wanted to say that, and here you are getting the chance and you feel no joy in it. Shame. "Listen Gracie. We can't have you passing out anymore. Got it?"

She looked cutely confused. "You're adorable." The sarcasm was thick in my tone. "We can't handle this. I know you don't fucking care if I live or die, I got you sent to that nut house, but dammit Grace for the fucking sake of your brother, and your boyfriend, stay awake. You're having fits!" I took my hand from her mouth when I realized I was crying. I sat down next to her, no longer crouching, and stared. My tone softening, "Gracie, I can't watch you tear yourself up in your sleep. Its not normal."

"Lisa..." She said, slowly sitting up.

"You're the strongest person I know, Grace. Please, please for all that is good, don't be weak. Don't let your nightmares steal you away from us." I wiped my eyes again. Here I was, breaking down twice in one night.

"Lisa." She looked a little alarmed but something I said sunk in. She'd never admit it. She was Grace. She was too proud to admit something about what I said had touched her. "Why the hell am I on the ground?" She asked.

I smiled. "Because you're prettier than me. I was hoping something would get in your hair."

"You're a bitch." She got up, dusting herself off. "Where are the guys?" She looked around. I noticed she looked mildly normal. If all we needed to do was give her a wake up call on who she is every morning, this might work.

"In the van. I have to pee, tell them to give me two minutes." I stood up and started walking toward a thick tree.

"We could just leave you." She called as she walked to the van.

"That's a dick move." I replied. I didn't really have to pee. I leaned against the tree and used that precious minute and a half to compose myself. I felt weak for wanting to cry. Crying was for the normal scum of the world. I had no time to cry. Sometimes it's necessary though. As I walked back to the van, I started to quietly curse myself.