Forever and Always

The very first time Eric and Björn met was when Björn was five years old. Eric doesn't remember it, but it's one of Björn's favourite things to talk about on parties. He tells about how he went shopping with his mother, and while she was picking clothes for him, Björn became quite bewildered, just as the half of the people around, by a blond haired and blue eyed little boy. The boy that would look like an angel, only if he wasn't sitting on the floor, banging his fists against the tiles and screaming on the top of his lungs: ”But I want iiiit!“ His mother was kneeling next to him, ignoring the hysterics of her son as she calmly tried to explain why she wouldn't buy him the fairy princess set (includes true fairy wings, a tiara and a wand – everything your daughter ever wished for!).

Eric hates when Björn says how in the end he saw Eric few minutes later, holding the set against his chest and chewing on Snickers. Because Björn says that Eric got everything he wanted even back then and Eric just thinks how untrue it is.

The first time they actually talked was in kindergarten the next year. Eric moved with his family to a different part of the town, which meant he had to change the kindergarten as well, and he found himself in the same class with Björn. Eric's memories of Björn from that time are somehow foggy – he just remembered him as the quiet boy that never talked much or played with other children; he instead spent most of the time on his own. Björn's memories of Eric are very clear – he was the loud boy that spent more time with girls than boys. They never got close to each other, except that one time. All children were sitting behind a huge table, new colour books open in front of them. While Björn always took so much time to colour the pictures, choosing the crayons carefully to make the pictures look realistic, Eric usually grabbed the pink crayon and used it on everything.

”Trucks aren't supposed to be pink,“ Björn said then, after watching Eric colour the huge truck, the ground and the tree bright pink, unable to hold back the remark anymore. Eric raised his head, his tongue disappearing from between his lips momentarily.

”I like pink,“ he said as if it was the answer to everything. ”It's my favourite colour.“

The reply made other boys yell: ”Pink is for girls!“

Eric now thinks that he should have listened to Björn whisper ”My favourite colour is purple,“ back then, just as he wishes Björn would listen to him now when he says he still wants to be friends with him.

The first time they actually talked for real was years later when they went in highschool. Björn had a free period and he was planning to read. He needed to use the bathroom first, though, as he entered the room, he was met by a sight of Eric leaning against the wall, huge sunglasses on as he sobbed in his palm quietly.

Eric didn't notice Björn at first, but that was nothing new to him. He was usually overlooked. What surprised him, though, was what he saw. He knew Eric as the flamboyant, very confident and very gay boy; not as someone who would cry secretely in the bathroom. He looked so fragile without the usual shield of arrogant confidence.

”What's wrong?“ Björn asked eventually, unsure what else to do.

Eric looked up shocked. He wiped his palm in his jeans, pushing himself off the wall. ”Nothing,“ he replied, his voice sounding hoarse because of the tears.

Björn rolled his eyes a little, even a blind person could see something was wrong. ”Sure,“ he murmured sarcastically. ”So it's all normal to hide somewhere to cry?“

That surprised Eric even more, he had no idea Björn was like that. But then again, back then Eric had no idea about what Björn was like at all. Sometimes, when he hides from Björn to cry now, he wishes he had left after that question. But he didn't.

Instead he pulled the sunglasses down and revealed the reddened spot around his left eye that went to his cheekbone, the bruise forming already. There was a bit of dried blood at the end of his eyebrow. ”I got beaten up for being gay,“ he murmured, before adding too loud and too harsh: ”But I'm not!“

Björn never cared whether Eric was or wasn't gay, not even back then. Instead, he reached forward, as if to touch the reddened spot. Eric flinched, and Björn smiled awkwardly. ”Put something cold on it. It'll help,“ he said softly.

When thinking about it now, Eric wonders if it was also the time when it all began. This whole thing. Because it was then when they started to hang out together more, and grew close until eventually they became best friends.

The first time they did anything beyond the friendship zone was when Björn was sixteen and Eric was fifteen. It was way after midnight and they were sitting, Indian-style and facing each other, on Björn's bed and Björn admitted in quiet voice that he never kissed anyone.

”I will fuck it up, I don't even know what I should do,“ he murmured lowly, soft blush covering his usually pale cheeks. Eric loves when Björn blushes, it's a rare thing and he thinks he loves him even more then.

But now he wishes he didn't suggest what he did back then. ”I can teach you,“ he said then and now he thinks maybe he wouldn't fall in love with Björn if they never did this. But he clearly remembers the strange feeling in his stomach. Maybe he really wanted to kiss Björn even then.

Björn hesitated. ”I'm not gay,“ he said sceptically.

”Neither I am,“ Eric hurried with the answer, and they both laughed at it years later because Björn knew Eric was gay even before Eric admitted it to himself. But he never commented on it, or made fun of it and maybe that's why Eric loves Björn so much. The other boy never made fun of him.

Björn nodded eventually, and Eric still thinks it is the best kiss he ever had in his whole life. Björn's lips were soft against his own, none of them had their piercings just yet, when Eric leaned forward and connected their lips. He felt Björn hesitate for a second as he started to move his lips, but then the older mirrored his movement.

Only when Eric parted his lips just a little, the tip of his tongue touching Björn's, the older boy pulled back. Eric still feels embarrassed because he leaned forward, trying to make the kiss last a little longer. But Björn never commented on it, and neither did Eric.

Eric also hates that this was the only kiss they ever exchanged when being sober.

They were drunk even when they crossed the friendship line again, two years later, on Björn's birthday. It was hot when they stumbled in Eric's bed, clumsily trying to take the unnecessary clothes off. Björn doesn't remember it, he never remembers what he does when he is too drunk, but Eric remembers it perfectly.

Björn was fighting with his socks, trying to pull them off, and stumbled, landing on Eric who was lying sprawled on the bed. They immediately bursted out into a fit of giggles, as Björn rolled off his younger friend. Eric turned to his side, facing Björn until the giggles subsided. Björn's eyes were sparkling because of the alcohol he consumed, and Eric's because of the strange feeling at his stomach he couldn't quite describe.

Then Eric just leaned forward and kissed Björn. And Björn responded, just like Eric wishes he would now, if only Eric dared to kiss him again. He pulled Eric closer, and kissed back hungrily, resting his hands on Eric's sides just above the hem of his boxers. The kiss was clumsy, because they were both drunk and Eric was nervous as if he was going to lose his virginity.

Eric's breath hitched in his throat as Björn bucked his hips forward, pressing his erection against Eric's thigh. A soft moan escaped him as he shifted his thigh, creating friction that got Björn sigh contently against Eric's neck. It gave him courage, and he repeated movement, sliding his fingers down Björn's naked back as he kissed him again.

And then he pushed Björn on his back, pulling his boxers off his hips, and gave him clumsly amateur blowjob. Björn didn't last long, and with his fingers entangled in Eric's raven hair he forced him to swallow.

Eric hates how this was the best sex in his life, even though Björn didn't do anything in return. But Eric didn't care that he was hard and aching, that he had to jack off while Björn turned on his side and fell asleep, oblivious to everything. Because he thought it was all worth it just to know it was him who brought pleasure to Björn.

Two weeks later Eric came out to Björn. He was crying quietly in Björn's arms, terrified that Björn would reject him now that Eric for the first time in his life admitted he was gay, but the older boy just held him tightly, stroking over his hair and whispered how he loved Eric and that he would be there for him no matter what.

Forever and always, he said. Eric remembers it so clearly now as if it happened just minutes ago. Björn pulled away, putting his finger on Eric's chin and forced him to look at him. Eric's bright blue and teary eyes met Björn's grey as he whispered those words. He said that he loved him, too.

It took Eric two months to gather the courage to tell Björn he was in love with him. They were in the basement of their mutual friend, a small room filled with guitars and other music instruments their friend collected. Eric was sitting, playing random melodies that came to his mind on a guitar and Björn was standing a little away, looking at one of the bass guitars. Their mutual friend was away, getting drinks or food or whatever. Eric can't remember that because it isn't important.

The important thing is that he perfectly remembers how he looked up from the guitar, his eyes meeting Björn's. The older boy smiled, as if wanting to say something, and Eric felt his stomach twitch, jumping slightly and he blurted: ”I love you.“

Björn's warm smile even widened, and despite the slight surprise about why exactly Eric felt the need to tell him now he replied: ”I love you too.“

”No... I'm in love with you, Björn,“ Eric said then and that's when it got all wrong.

Björn thought Eric was joking at first, because the whole moment was too cliché to be true. But Eric repeated it again, and again, and when Björn looked away, letting out a somewhat relieved sigh when their friend returned, Eric knew he never should have opened his mouth.

Eric curled up in his bed that evening, feeling more lonely than ever and crying himself to sleep because Björn didn't reply to any of his text messages and didn't answer the phone either.

They made up eventually, weeks later. But Eric knows Björn feels uncomfortable in his presence and tries to avoid being with him alone. It hurts and makes him feel like the most unworthy person on the world. He hates himself for that, for being too honest. For crossing the line and breaking what they had. For losing Björn in so many ways.

And when he's all alone in his room, he has flashbacks of how Björn told him how he loved him, how he said he would always be there for Eric. Forever and always, he said.

Eric wonders if he was just kidding.