I Can't Be Without You

"God damnit Airin! Why didn't you tell me that?" Marque looked furiously at me. We were both standing in Marques bedroom, both our shirts off. Jazz was at work, as was their dad. My chest and torso was fully exposed, and what was always under my shirt was something I was ashamed of. The long forgotten scars of the dark days I once lived resurfaced their ugly faces.

Most of my left arm was covered in scars from when I had cut myself. Most of my right arm was covered in scars from my heroin use. I always had a habit of wearing long sleeve shirts, or 3/4 sleeve shirts to hide them. Not even in the summer I would wear short sleeves, because I was THAT embarrassed about my past. I never told Marque, or anyone aisde from my family about my cutting or heroin use. They all kept it quiet because they knew how sensitive I was about it.

"They're from a long time ago Marque..." I said, putting my shirt back on. Marque still stood, glaring furiously at me. I had never seen him this mad. Infact, I had never seen him mad at all.

"But still Airin! Did you think that I'd never find out about that?" He pointed to my arms.

"I would have told you when I was ready to tell you!" I nearly yelled back at him.

"I'm your boyfriend. You should be able to trust me!" Marque said. I had to look away from him. I rubbed my shoulder, not saying anything. "Jesus Airin! You've been lying to me the entire time we've known eachother? That's just fucked up." Marque said angrily.

"Just like me, right Marque?" I spat back at him. Marque stopped, his face fell into confusion. "Come one, you can't say that I'm not fucked up, because obviously I am if I can't even find the courage to tell someone something that happened to me 3 FUCKING YEARS AGO!" I yelled. I had never yelled like this before. Not ever. Marque was frozen in his spot, his head was bowed down and I could hear him start to cry. I automatically felt bad.

"Okay Airin, you want me to say it just to make you feel better? You are fucked up Airin! You always have been!" Marque yelled back. We stood there in silence for a few more minutes, neither of us wanting to say something. "Airin...you should just leave..."

"Marque, I..." Marque cut me off.

"I said leave." Marque turned his back to me. I stood there a few seconds contemplating what to do. I gave into his demand and left his room. I put on my jacket and walked out into the cold January air. I got in my car and sat in the front seat, my head resting on the steering wheel, tears falling from my eyes. I messed up. It seemed to be the only thing I was good at. Every single relationship I ever had, I always ended up fucking it up some how. I thought I had it right with Marque, but my stupidity got the best of me.

I needed to talk to someone. I drove home, not wanting to see either of my parents, but I knew that my mom wasn't home when I pulled into the driveway. I saw Joslines bedroom light on, and I felt a little bit of relief. I quickly got int the house and threw off my jacket and boots. I walked up to the second story of the house and knocked on Joslines door.

"Yeah?" I heard her say from in her room, she sounded tired, and I contemplated not even talking to her. But I needed to tell someone.I pushed open her door, and by now the tears just started to stream down my face. Josline looked at me for a long time before she even said anything.

"Airin, what's wrong?" She asked me.

I took a deep breath in, "Jaws...I fucked up." I said.

Jaws got up and pulled me over to her bed, "What...what happened?" She asked me. I retold my whole story to her, and she just nodded and listened to me. One thing I loved about Josline, she was a listener. She never interupted you when you were explaining something to her. "Oh...Airin...I'm sorry." She leaned over and hugged me.

The whole situation reminded me of when Josline came home crying and I comforted her. It felt kind of weird for her to be doing that. I was the big brother, I was supposed to be helping her, not the other way around.

"I wouldn't worry too much though...Marque doesn't hold grudges.." Josline said. She wasn't always the best at giving advice.

"Josline, he basically broke up with me." I said, putting my face in my hands. Josline didn't say anything. After a few more minutes of silence, I couldn't take it. "I...I think I just need to sleep this off." I said, getting up from her bed.

"Okay...Airin." She stopped me before I left her room. I turned to look at her. "If you need anything...anything at all...I'm here." She said. I smiled at her and nodded. I went to my room and closed the door. I pressed my back up against the door and slid down onto the floor. My elbows were resting on my knees, and my face was pressed up against my face. I didn't know what to do, and sure as hell, when Marque told Jazz what had happened, Jazz was going to be pissed with me. I knew Jaws would try to be the peace keeper between me and Jazz, and Matt and Josh would be awkwardly stuck in the middle. Matt, being Jazz's boyfriend, would most likely side with Jazz, and Josh would most likely side with Jaws, or I could be completely wrong and everyone could end up hating me. I couldn't handle that.