I Can't Be Without You

The next few weeks after Airin and Marques fight, there had been alot of tension between everyone. Jazz wasn't talking much to Airin, or myself for that matter. I found it extremely rude and upsetting that I had nothing to do with the situation, but I was still being ignored. She would still talk to me, but she would't say hi like she normally did in the mornings.

Matt, however, who I thought would have deffinatly been with Jazz on the whole thing, was surprisingly on Airins side. I think that made Airin feel better, if only a little, to know he still had friends. Josh was 100% supportive of Airin and their new found friendship. I don't know what had happened to those two, but it was great that they were getting along.
Of course I would be with Airin, but I couldn't help but feel bad for Marque too. He was only 15 and had to deal with the pain of breaking up with someone he truely loved, and deal with knowing that the person that he loved...lied to him. I didn't even want to think about it. I mean, I didn't blame Airin for not telling Marque, but I found it a little bit rediculous that Airin waited until it blew up in his face.

It was after school on a Friday. I was getting my things from my locker and getting ready to go home. Airin had fallen into the habit of skipping days of school if he only had one or two classes in the day. He had spare blocks every few days, so he would stay home during those blocks, or not even go to school at all. Even I had skipped school a few times to be with Airin, because honestly, right now, he needed it. I sighed heavily as I closed my locker door, the lock making a loud 'click' sound. Jazz was at her locker, which was next to mine. I missed having the locker fights with her everyday. Now, she would just wait until I would move my locker door out of the way, or do it herself. I noticed that she had looked at me a few times while I was getting my things, but she didn't say anything. Marque was waiting for Jazz at his locker down the hall. I took a glance at him, and Marque looked rough. He looked like he hadn't been getting any sleep at all, and wasn't eating properly. He was starting to look extremely thin.

I hoisted my backpack up onto my shoulders and started to walk towards the front doors of the school. I wasn't paying much attention to anything around me and I walked right into Matt. "Oh, sorry Matt." I said quietly. Matt looked down at me, and away from his conversation with Josh.

"That's okay Josline." Matt said, smiling. He tryed to cheer me up, but often failed miserably. Jazz and Marque walked right past the three of us. Obviously Jazz wasn't talking to Matt either. I saw Matt frown and run a hand through his hair.

"Are you okay Matt?" I asked.

"It's just a little bite...strange, not having Jazz to talk to...I just made it sound like she was dead." Matt shook his head and rephrased his words. "It's strange not having Jazz talking to us anymore." he corrected himself.

"It's weird not having Marque talking to us anymore." Josh added. I nodded my head in agreement. It really was strange. To me, it felt like I was back in grade 9 when I had absolutely no friends except for Alex and, dare I say it, Raddison. Now I had Josh and Matt. I didn't even talk to Jazz or Marque back in grade 9 and part of grade 10. I really hoped that it didn't take nearly two years to rebuild that friendship I had with them.

"It's kind of...creepy to think about." I said, wrapping my arms around myself. Josh put one of his arms firmly around my shoulder, and I leaned into him slightly as he kissed the top of my head. Matt had to leave, which left me and Josh alone.

"What are you doing today?" Josh asked me.

"Just going home. I have a little bit of homework I need to do. What about you?" I asked, shifting my back pack slightly.

"E-Math homework." Josh said. I nodded, saying that was the homework I had aswell. "Wanna help me? You seem to know what you're doing." Josh asked. I smiled a little bit.

"Sure, I can help you. It's not that hard once you get the hang of it." I said. Josh and I walked outside to his car and I got in the passenger side. I took out my cell phone to see I had a missed call from Airin. I called him back to see what he wanted.

"Yellow." He answered into the phone. He was starting to sound better.

"Hi Airin. You called me?" I said into the phone.

"Oh, yeah. I did. I can't remember what about though." He said.

"Oh, okay. Well, Josh is coming over. I'll be home in a few minutes." I said.

"Alright. See ya." Airin hung up his phone and Josh continued to drive down the roads to my house. The drive was surprisingly quiet for being just me and Josh. I think we were both starting to feel the tension and pressure of everything that had been going on. Josh pulled up in the driveway, my moms car was gone. Her and dad had gone away for the week for an 'un-anniversary'. They celebrated to first day that they ever met. We both got out of the car and walked into the house, being greeted by the warmth inside. We took off our coats and boots and walked into the dining room. Airin was sitting at the kitchen table writing something down into a notebook. I noticed it was his song notebook he recieved from our uncle Drew when he was 14. He looked up from the pages of the notebook and smiled a little bit.

"Hey guys." Airin said.

"Hey buddy. How ya feeling?" Josh asked, putting his back pack on the floor next to the table, taking a seat.

"Oh you know...weird." Airin said. I smiled comfortingly at him and sat down in another chair next to Josh. "How about you?"

"Eh, could be better." Josh said. I just nodded my head, agreeing with what Josh had said. Airin smiled again and started to pack up his things he had spread across the table. He said that he would talk to us later, and that he wanted a nap. I watched as Airin went into his room and shut the door. I had a sad look spread across my face. Josh laced his fingers through mine, giving my hand a light squeeze.

"He'll be fine." Josh reasurred me. I was having a hard time believing anything that people were telling me. I sighed and tried my best to smile at him.

"Okay, this shit is still confusing me." Josh said as we were on the last question of our math homework.

"Josh, all you have to do is divide the denominator with the 25 and you have your answer." Josh stared at the question for a few seconds before trying it on his calculator. He checked the answer in the back of the book and scribbled down an answer. "What was the answer?" I asked.

"0.331" Josh said, closing his books. I looked at my answer and it was right.

"Good job Josh." I said. Josh stuck his tongue out at me and put his things back in his back pack. I looked at the clock and it was 4:45. Josh had called his parents earlier and they said it would be okay if Josh stayed overnight. I called my parents to confirm that request and they found no problem with it. My mom said, 'Airin needs to be around people right now' to me before she had hung up her phone. "Hey Josh, you hungry?" I asked, getting out of my chair.

"Yeah, I'm STARVED." Josh said over dramatically.

"I'll make some mac and cheese?" I said, going into the kitchen. Josh nodded with delight as I started to make us some dinner. I asked Josh to get three bowls and forks. He did just that and set them out on the counter. I finished making the mac and cheese and dished out a bowl for Airin. I put my bowl on the table and brought Airin his. I knocked on the door to his roo, no answer. "Airin? I have some food for you." There was still no answer. I looked at Josh, who shrugged. I pushed open the door, Airins room was dark. I fumbled around for the light switch and flicked it on.

I dropped the bowl of food onto the floor, the bowl breaking into pieces. I looked at my brother, who was lying on the floor, slightly twitching. I rushed over to him and dropped onto my knees. I looked at him, he had a slight trickle of blood mixed with saliva coming out of his mouth and into a small puddle by his face. His skin was extremely pale, and it almost looked transparent. I looked around, my eyes huge, for something, anything. There was a small, bloodied up razor not even a foot from Airin. I looked up and down his arms, and sure enough there were cuts. And they were deep. Blood had dried on certain spots of his arm. I put a hand over my mouth, but it dropped soon after.

"Airin, what did you do!" I screamed. Josh obviously heard me and he ran into the room. I looked at Josh, tears threatening to fall down my face. "Josh, call an ambulance." I said. Josh nodded his head, looking quite panicked. He took out his cell phone and dialed 911. Josh started talking to who ever was on the other end of the phone line. I could feel my heart breaking into millions of little pieces. "No...no, not again. Not again." Tears started to escape my eyes, Airin had stopped moving. My voice got caught in my throat. I checked his pulse, it was barely there. A little more blood was coughed up. "Airin...Airin, no! Don't...no, don't Airin! " I was in a complete panic mode. I had no clue what Airin had just done to himself. I was scared for Airin's life. I had never felt that much fear in all of my life.

The next two hours was the worst 2 hours of my life. It took about 20 minutes for an ambulance to show up, and 40 minutes to get to the hospital. Josh drove the two of us to the hospital, and we were forced to remain in the waiting room. Josh had called Matt when we had got to the hospital. Matt showed up in a half an hour. I was sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs when Matt walked into the hospital. He looked at me and I got out of the chair. Matt locked me in a hug and didn't let me go for atleast a minute. When he did let go, there were tear stains on his jacket. Matt turned to Josh and didn't say anything. Matt and Josh both looked rather shook up. We were all silent until the doctor showed up nearly 40 minutes later. He showed us to Airins room, and I didn't want to go into the room, but I knew I had to. I walked into the room, and the tears started to fall again. Both of Airins arms were bandaged up, and he had one of the airtubes in his nose. I hid my face in Josh's jacket. Airin was staring out the window before he noticed that we were inside the room. He looked at us, both of his eyes had dark circles around them. He honestly didn't look like my 17 and a half year old brother. I looked at Airin I walked over to the side of the bed, Matt and Josh stayed back. I took one of Airins hands gently and tried to smile at him.

"I'm sorry Josline." Was the only thing he said to me.