I Can't Be Without You

Josh was pulling a long needle out of his arm. He looked up, just realizing I was there. "Wh...what are you doing?" My voice shook. Josh got up from his bed, ready to put his arms around me. I backed away. "Don't touch me."

"Josline..."

"What is that?" I asked quietly, looking at his arm.

"They're...they're puncture marks."

"I know what those are, but what is that!" I pointed to the syringe on his bed. He didn't say anything. "Well? Are you going to tell me?" The anger in my voice made Josh flinch.

"Heroin." He muttered.My heart literally stopped for a minute. I couldn't believe he had just said what he had said. I backed myself into the wall, my breath seemed to be caught in my chest. "Josline..." He tried to get a little closer, but I pushed him away.

"Why didn't you tell me Josh?" I demanded. I didn't let him speak," Do you not trust me?"

"Of course I trust you!" Josh said.

"Yeah, but not enough to tell me about this? When did you plan on telling me? When you landed yourself in the hospital?" Neither of us said anything else to one another. I felt my body start to shake, and the tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. "Who else knows?" I asked.

"Only Airin." My head snapped up at the mention of my brother.

"You told my brother, but not ME?"

"He promised not to tell anyone." I understood Airin not telling me. He wanted to protect the both of us. But what really killed me was knowing that Airin knew long before I did.

The tears started to fall from my eyes. "Why would you do this Josh?" Once again, I didn't let him reply. "You're killing yourself!" An eerie feeling rang out after I yelled at him. "What else have you kept from me?"

"What? What do you mean?" Josh looked a little confused.

"What else have you kept from me? What else have you lied about Josh?" My fists balled up, "Was our relationship just a drug fueled lie?" Then another thought crossed my mind. "Did you sleep with someone else? You know, Raddison had her eye on you since you moved to Salmo."

"I would never do that to you Josline!"

"Well FUCK! What do you expect me to believe Josh? I can't...I..." I couldn't think of anything to say. The tears just streamed down my face. "I...I can't be here any more." I put my hand on the handle of the door. Josh grabbed my other wrist.

"Josline, don't...I love you." I jerked my arm away from Josh, glaring him down.

"You really fucked up this time Josh." I swung open the door, slamming it behind me. I wiped my face before going back upstairs. Carolynne was in the kitchen when I appeared.

"Josline? What's wrong?" She asked me.

"Oh, nothing. It was nice seeing you again." I walked out of the front door and just started walking. I didn't know where I was going, I was just lost in my thoughts. There was a feeling inside of me, something empty. Abandonment. I felt like part of me had died.

When I finally stopped walking, I was standing infront of my old house I used to live in. I never thought I would have seen in again. The walls outside had been painted from white, to a horendous yellow colour. There were no toys scattered across the lawn, and there was a fancy car in the driveway. I wondered what they had done to the inside of the house, or who even lived there. I wondered if they had a family or not.

My phone rang, scaring me. I flipped it open, "Hello?" I answered, sniffling slightly.

"Josline, where are you?" Airin's panicked voice spoke through the phone.

"I'm...I'm infront of our old house." I said.

"What are you doing there?"

"I was walking and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"I'm coming to get you." Airin hung up and I put my phone back in my pocket. I sat down on the curb and put my face in my hands. Nearly 10 minutes later, a car pulled up right infront of me. I looked up, relieved it was Airins piece of crap Honda. I stood up and Airin got out of the car. He walked over to me and flung his arms around me.

I cried. That's all I did for the next 3 months after that. I had given up, and became a complete vegetable at one point. I refused to talk to anyone about what had happened, and when they mentioned Josh, I would snap.Eventually I did tell Jazz, Airin, Marque and Matt what had happened.

Airin graduated. I started my grade 12 year with Jazz and Matt. I graduated from high school, and then lost touch with Matt completely. He ended up moving back to Vancouver to 'be with the band'.
In fact, I lost touch with everything and everybody, including myself. I hit rock bottom.

I ignored Josh's calls and texts. He started to give up after 2 months. I always thought of him, everyday, but I couldn't pull myself to call him. At one point I did, but the number had been disconnected.

It seemed that Josh had gotten over me.