The Long Journey Ahead

Darren and I were sitting in the car, in front of the house. All my belongings were in my suitcase, sitting in the backseat. My heart was hammering against my chest.

"I'm scared," I muttered.

He gave me a small smile. "Don't be. They love you, you know that."

We sat there for another half hour before I built up the courage to unlatch myself from the seatbelt. I grabbed the door handle just when Darren reached for my arm. I let go of the handle and sat back down in the seat.

"Jes, before you go back, can I tell you something?"

I nodded.

"I know I already told you this but I really like you. I like you a lot. More than I should. I shouldn't even like you. You're too young for me and it's wrong. I feel like a fucking pedophile for looking at you like I do. But I know how you feel about Frank."

"I-"

"Don't interrupt." I shut my mouth. "Thank you. I know that you really like Frank. It's obvious. So I'm going to let you go. I just want you to be happy. Take a chance with him okay?"

"Oh. Uh, okay." Was I supposed to thank him for giving me permission to like Frank or was I supposed to yell at him for thinking he's the one that rules my life? I rolled my eyes, deciding to let it slide for now.

Afterwards, he let me get out the car and carried my suitcase up to the front door. He gave me a hug before he walked away and drove off in his car. I wish he didn't leave though. I needed someone next to me to make me believe all of this would be okay.

With a shaky hand, I knocked on the door. Waiting for someone to answer was the most stressful thing I ever had to endure. I was positive that he saw me and pretended not to be home.

What was I thinking coming back here? Of course, they wouldn't want me. After all I've done, how could they? I'm unnecessary baggage.

I reached for my suitcase handle, ready to leave again. Living a life of running doesn't seem that bad does it? I could get temporary jobs and then leave when I feel like I have to go.

"Jes?"

I turned around. I was going to be told to go away and that they don't want me here. I just knew it.

Arms wrapped themselves around my neck. I breathed in the sweet smell of cinnamon. All too soon, I walked inside the house, my suitcase already waiting by the door.

What am I doing? I'm supposed to leave. "Let me leave," I whispered.

"Why? Not again," Frank said. His eyes conveyed how hurt he was by my comment. Now that I've really seen him, he looks so much thinner and his hair, why did it look so dull? Did I do all this damage to him? My fingers threaded through his thin black hair. The feeling seemed to keep him calm. Soon he leaned his head to my hand. "What happened to you?" I asked.

"Casey broke up with me two and a half months ago," he murmured.

I stopped playing with his hair. He opened his eyes, the hazel color staring at me. It was then he realized I was finally back. His hands gripped my shoulders, pushing me against the wall.

"Jes is that you?" I didn't say a single thing. "Jes!"

My father was giving me that look of his. His angry look. Only this time his angry look was beyond angry. He was foaming at the mouth. I crossed the line this time.

His voice took me out of the flashback. His words were softer this time, much softer. "Jes?"

I started shaking in his arms and I knew I was crying. Out of fear, I held onto Frank, trying to get him as close to me as I could. I desperately needed to know I wouldn't have to go through it again.

"Don't turn into him. Don't turn into him," I repeated countless times as the tears spilled from my eyes.

"Jes, who are you talking about?" He almost sounded sorry for asking me.

"My father. Don't hurt me like he did. Please don't." I wasn't sure if he understood what I meant but he must have known because he nodded and held me tight.

Later on when my episode passed, Frank led me up to my old room. I was surprised to find that nothing changed. There were no new additions in the room. It looked like I never left. Maybe I was all wrong about this.

In my mind, it was wrong of me to do so, but I began to put all my belongings back in their rightful places. I missed this room so much. I don't know why, I just did.

A few hours later, my only task left was to put my clothes away. Barely reaching my first shirt, I felt someone staring at me.

"Who are you?" asked the woman. I turned around and looked at the doorway. Her mouth sagged slightly as she looked back at me. "Jes!"

On instinct, I pushed my arms out for a hug. Mrs. Iero ran and hugged me to death regardless. "Don't ever do that again!" she shrilled, pulling herself away to look at me. Her eyes glistened with worry.

"Mrs. Iero, I'm fine. I'm very sorry too."

She shook her head. "It's fine. You were scared. You look so different though. Did you lose more weight?"

I nodded slowly. I've been forcing myself to eat. I try to eat but I can't get in more than five bites at the most. It hasn't been a fun journey for me.

Mrs. Iero wrapped me in another hug. "When you're done putting your clothes away, come down and eat dinner with us okay?"

"Okay," I smiled.

She walked out the door, giving me one last smile before heading to the kitchen. If she could pretend that nothing happened, I should do the same. Dwelling on the past isn't good anyways. I feel like it's my first night here in Belleville all over again.