There's Too Much Green To Feel Blue

The lawyer didn't look anything like they remembered from tv. On the news, he looked so serious and bad tempered. But befire them was a shy, timid man that hesitated each time before he talked to them. He had long red brown hair tied up in a ponytail, black framed glasses, he wore a gray suit and held a black suitcase. The man didn't even look like he could hold up a suitcase, much less defend them in court.
"Hello, you must be Sam." the man stepped forward and held out a hand.
They both stood up.
"Yeah, I'm Sam, I'm the only one who hired you." she said shaking his hand.
"And I'm the guy you'll be defending, I'm Peter." he said shaking his hand too.
"I'm Hurley." the man said.
"Hurley?" Peter asked.
"Like Hugo from Lost." Sam said brightening up.
Peter rolled his eyes, "Don't mind her."
Hurley placed his suitcase on the padded chair while Pete and Sam settled back on the couch.
"Now, I understand you want sole custody of your daughter?" Hurley asked.
"Yes." Peter answered.
"But I also understand that she may not be yours?" Hurley questioned.
Pete hesitated, "Yes."
"Could you sit down, you're making me nervous." Sam asked Hurley.
"Sam, leave him alone." Peter scolded. He looked up at Hurley, "Even if my daughter's not mine, I still want to be a part of her life."
Hurley looked at him, "Let's focus on if you are."
"And if I'm not?" Peter asked suddenly very afraid.
Hurley quieted.
Sam stood up alarmed, "Speak to me, Hurley, what if he's not?" Sam urged.
Hurley remained quiet.
"Hurley, you better start talking or, I swear, I will fire you and call Cochran!" Sam threatened.
"Well," Hurley said, "if you're not the father, I don't think that, legally, I can do anything."
"Wow," Sam said sitting down, "this is, like, a really bad episode of Maury." she turned to Peter, "If you're not the father, we can run to the back of the court room and cry."
"Be serious, Sam." Peter said slightly annoyed.
"I am being serious. I'm the one who hired a multi-million dollar lawyer." Sam snapped.
Peter's eyes had widened at 'multi-million dollar'. He turned to her, "You have some explaining to do about that." Peter said stiffly.
"I know." she reached out and gripped his hand.
Peter squeezed her hand back hard.
"Shall we start discussing your case?" Hurley asked.
"Yes, please, sit." Peter gestured to the padded chair. He was starting to get nervous too.
Hurley stayed for a few hours. They discussed, they planned and he instructed Peter on what to do regarding Lily's DNA test. Peter ended up feeling even more apprehensive. With Sam's bombshell and Hurley's instructions, he felt a hurricane up in his head. He didn't know how to feel, he mostly felt numb. Hurley had left at 1:30 pm with a promise that he would regularly call him with further updates.
Sam showed Hurley to Pete's door and then slowly turned to face Peter on the couch.
She fidgeted, "How much trouble am I in?"
"Alot." Peter said, "Why didn't you tell me that you were rich enough to pay Tom Cruise to crouch on the floor naked and quack like a duck?"
Sam instantly had a mental picture but she pushed it away.
"You're like a queen. I'm not even worth enough to stand next to your shadow!" Peter exclaimed.
"That," Sam advanced toward him and pointed, "that right there is the reason I didn't tell you or anyone. Because you'll treat me like something above what I really am. Have you ever seen me flaunt my money or use my wealthy name to my advantage? Just once, and that was an emergency, I had to get you out of work. I could buy this entire building right now with the money that's in my pocket, tear it down and build it into a vacation house. But I don't because I wanted a simple, normal life. Bumping elbows with the rich, fine dining and expensive clothes...that's not how I wanted to live. Sure I'd have everything but what would I have that was worth giving everything away for?"
Peter stood up, "But, Sam, you lied to me."
"I didn't lie to you." Sam said, "I just didn't tell you."
"Which is just as bad." Peter retorted.
"I know!" Sam said miserably, "But, Peter, please understand that I only did it because I didn't want anyone to hate me or treat me any differently. The average person hates the rich because they want to be rich and happy. But the rich envy the average because their lives are worth more than money." she paused, "I just didn't want my social status to be in between us. Think about it. Wouldn't you have treated me differently if I had told you straight forward who I was?"
Peter thought about it. He probably would have.
"Peter, I don't care who you are, what kind of money you make, who knows you or what kind of car you drive. We are all children of God, we come in this world and we go out just the same and I will not sit by and let everybody lionize me when I'm not above or below you or anyone." she paused, "I just didn't want my social status to come in between me and you." she repeated.
"But, Sam," Peter sighed, "you see why I'm upset, right? I mean, it's like you're a stranger now."
"No, I'm not." Sam insisted, "Aren't you glad you got to know the real me before you found out about my background?"
"I'm confused about the real you." Peter said quietly.
Sam closed her eyes and took a deep calming breath, "Look, Peter, I know it's alot to take in. I just hope that I got my points across." she let out an exhausted breath, "Would it help if I let you to think about it?"
Peter ran his hands across his eyes, forehead and hair, "Yeah, I think I want to be left alone to think about this." he said exhaustedly.
"I understand." Sam said nodding. She turned and headed toward the door. She placed her hand on the knob and stopped.
She turned back around slowly and said, "Peter, I know this probably isn't the best time to say it," she walked slowly towards him, "and I'm not saying this to get on your good side. I'm saying it because I mean it and it's what I feel." she stopped and looked up at him.
Peter stared straight into her eyes.
"I love you." she said in a tone that sounded like a note from a bird's song.
Through all the numbness and disappointment he had been feeling he felt a wave of warmth sweep over him, as if being wrapped in a giant wool blanket that had been restinng near a heater. Sam must've become a magnet because Peter could feel his heart pushing against his chest as it tried to get to Sam. He wanted more than anything to hold her in his arms, kiss every inch of her body, make love to her again and whisper things in her ear all night long. To say that he was ecstatic to hear those words was an understatement. A giant grin threatened to take over his face. Was it weird that he felt like it was his wedding day all over again? It kind of looked like it too, he was wearing all black and Sam was wearing a dress. This couldn't have gone more perfect. It was even better that Sam had been the first to say it. He felt so elevated, anymore and he would touch the clouds. But just as he was thinking about how perfect the moment was, he felt his chest constrict as it began to build an emotional shield. Now his heart beat against a shield.
Sam loved him and he was so happy....But he couldn't say it. Even though his heart drummed it, his body screamed it, his throat burned with the words and his tongue tingled with the syllables, he couldn't say it. Everything that Hash had done or said kept swimming into his mind. He had been so happy with her and then it was all gone. Now here was Sam saying she loved him. Sure, Sam was saying that now, but what if she didn't mean it later? He wanted very much to tell her how he felt about her when he could feel his love vibrate in his entire body. But he couldn't say it. Why couldn't he say it? Why? Why? He wanted more than anything to tell her that she was the first thought in his head when he awoke, the last when he went to bed, that she was the reason he went on, that she would be the one to whom he would give everything to, that she was the only woman he had real passion for. He wanted to tell her how it was the joy of his life to wake up next to her how she ruled all the thoughts in his head, how his heart pounded for her, how he snored her name at night, how much pleasure it was to hear her sigh his name when they made love, how everything in his house glowed when she was present.....she was his everything.
Peter suddenly realized that Sam was studying him, it was more like staring. Actually, this whole time she had been staring silently. She was waiting, Peter realized. She was was waiting for his response. But with all that was running through his head, the divorce, Sam's parents, Lily, Hash, Sam's love, he didn't know what to say. Well, he did, but he couldn't. He was scared. The last time he'd said 'I love you', it had opened up bad doors. It's not like he hadn't tried to tell her how he felt about her. He had tried many times but every time he did, his chest would place up his shield and stop at the word 'I'.
He didn't know how long he stayed there staring at Sam in silence. He had completely shut down and frozen in place.
Sam's facial expression didn't change. Her face remained black. Peter's eyes didn't leave hers. Her bright, gorgeous, chocolate brown eyes had taken on a new look. They suddenly looked robotic, like dry, cracked mud. Alarmed, Peter studied her. Her usual heavenly glow that emanated from her core had suddenly been put out. The things that he loved about Sam were suddenly gone. Peter felt like a monster, he had done this. He didn't answer her heartfelt confession and now she assumed the worst. He had taken from her what made her Sam and all she did was stare at him. He couldn't handle the stare. And it wasn't even a bad stare, she was looking up at him calmly and expectantly. Her face didn't crumple, she didn't cry she didn't show any emotion at all. She just stared. Peter wished she would hit him or something. He felt he deserved it for stripping Sam of her beauty. He was quickly realizing that he had just turned Sam into something terrible. Now she was just like everybody else in the world, she wasn't unique anymore....and he had done this to her. He had sinned against the world by taking one of it's most beautiful things from it. Still, her lovely face didn't change and it stabbed at his fast beating heart. Why did she have to be so beautiful things from it. Still, her lovely face didn't change and it stabbed at his fast beating hear. Why did she have to be so beautiful when she stared at him with such neutrality? Why did she have to wear that amazing long white dress with large black square patterns and the three large ruffles at the bottom, with the black flats and a tight black cardigan? That gorgeous stare hurt him so. He wished a hammer would fall on each of his toes simultaneously. He wished that a pair of pliers would appear and pull of his fingernails one by one. He wished a cheese grater would come and rub itself against his skin. He wished he could be zapped out of the universe. He wished he could plunge a machete into his stomach....anything to take this pain away, anything to make him cry out what he really felt, anything to make his heart stop trying to claw it's way to Sam and set it free. Why didn't he stop this? He saw what it was doing to her. Why couldn't he just tell her? It was hurting him to see Sam hurt. She was hurt, even though her face didn't show it.
He didn't know how long they stayed there in silence. Each minute that ticked on added another scar to each of them, why was he letting this happen? Sam was probably already believing that he didn't love her and he was letting her believe it. A small voice in Peter's head was screaming at him, telling him to tell her the truth, to end this nonsense, confess to her and kiss her flavorful lips. But, no, he was letting his insecurities get in the way of what was most definetely the best thing that ever happened to him. He was a schmuck.
It finally seemed like Sam had had enough. The tiniest crease he'd ever seen appeared on her forehead. It was so tiny, if he hadn't been standing so close to her, he wouldn't have seen it. He didn't know if it was a sad crease or an angry crease, either way, he didn't like it.
"Well, gee, I'd really like your input on this." Sam said folding her arms and tapping her foot impatiently.
Again all Pete could do was stare. He felt close to crumbling, a little more and he knew he'd explode.
Without a word or another glance, she turned around and walked out the door, shutting it behind her silently. Even though she was gone, Peter finally regained movement of his body and chased after her. He stopped in front of the door and placed a fist on it regrettably. He bowed his head. Everything negative that Hash had ever told him suddenly became true. His beautiful Sam had walked out the door and he found it hard to believe that she would come back. Of all the things he had done, this was the stupidest.
That night, he couldn't sleep. He and Sam hadn't shared the same bed for very long, but he was finding it difficult to sleep by himself. He had been sleeping in a bed by himself for two years but tonight was the hardest he'd ever gone through. He had to grab a pillow and hold it to his chest just to feel like he wasn't alone. It still didn't help him sleep, but it relaxed him some what. He hadn't eaten or done anything since Sam left. He had just sat by the door and replayed everything in his head over and over again. When the night fell, he had crawled into bed and wondered if Sam was thinking about him. He liked to think that she was, but he knew she probably wasn't. He knew Sam and, knowing her, she was probably in bed with another man. The sudden thought killed him. Instantly, he sat up in bed and grabbed his phone. He scrolled down to Sam and looked at the picture he had of her. He briefly thought of calling her but instantly disposed of the thought. He placed his phone back on the nightstand and curled back up with his pillow. He hoped that Sam was sleeping peacefully like the angel she was. He knew he, the devil, would stay up all night plauged by his evil deeds. He had killed an angel and now he would be damned for the rest of his days. He wished he could sleep, not that that would help. He knew once he drifted off to sleep, he would dream of Sam and her strawberry scent. Strawberries, Pete could almost taste them in his mouth as he thought of her. He really wished he could sleep. He would dream of her but his pain would probably ease, if only for a little while. He knew that when he awoke and he didn't feel Sam next to him, he would be in instant agony. Peter never thought he would return to this state of mind. Looking back, Hash totally wasn't worth all the moping around. She was nothing but a single blade of grass while Sam was his earth. He wondered if this would ever get resolved. There was only one way it could be solved and he wasn't ready to take that step. But, why? He knew she loved him as he did her, why couldn't he say it back? Because he had said it once before and it ended badly for him. Yet, until he said it, he was doomed to this bout of sadness. Peter sighed.
He didn't know when he fell asleep but the next thing he heard was a loud pounding on the door. He opened his eyes, the sun was out, full and bright. He checked the time on his phone. It was 12:30 p.m.. Peter felt completely drained as he pulled on a pair of black pants. He groggily staggered to the front door shirtless.
'It's probably Hash', he thought.
He was going to let her have it this time. His eyes half closed, he pulled open the door. His eyes instantly stretched open. He would've guessed for anyone to be at his door but his suprise was genuine as he stared at his beautiful Sam. Contrary to him, she look fresh faced and well rested.
"Sam." he murmured.
He couldn't help himself. He wrapped her up in his arms and kissed her before she could even blink. To his severe disappointed, Sam didn't kiss him back. She simply, carefully, pushed him away.
"I just came to tell you that I bought you a Dior suit." she said.
Again, Peter was suprised, "A Dior--?! Why would you do that?"
"Because I wanted you to look presentable for your trial. Unless you have something to say about that. We both know how good you are with words." she said sarcastically.
"Sam, I think we should talk--"
"Oh, now you want to talk, now you have something to say." Sam said scathingly, "Even if we did talk, I wouldn't respond."
"Why?" Peter asked hurt.
"Because you didn't respond to me yesterday." Sam retorted.
Peter lowered his head, "I wish I could say something."
"Say it to the wall," Sam said, "I'm leaving." She turned and began to walk down the hallway.
"Sam, you don't understand..." he began.
"Oh, I think I understood perfectly." Sam called back.
"No--"
"Oh, yeah," Sam said, "your silence was very reassuring."
"Look, Sam, please," he stepped out of the doorway and watched her walk, "I just....Sam, I....Sam, please." he stammered, "Please."
Sam stopped and turned back to him. She walked over and stopped right in front of him. Pete felt like kissing her again.
"Look, Peter," she said in a soft voice, "what I said, I meant it."
Her eyes look like they were glistening, he knew that they weren't, but the thought was enough to make his eyes water over.
"I wouldn't have slept with you if I wasn't entirely ready to turn myself over to you. But, I'm done."
She turned and walked away again, another image that would haunt Peter. A fifty pound weight had descended onto the middle of his chest at the last words she had said. What did she mean she was done?
"Sam," he called after her, "do you still love me?"
"Yes...but I can't." Sam called.
"Why not?" Peter asked.
"Because you don't love me." Sam answered.
Peter watched as she walked, "I never said that." he said.
Sam stopped in her tracks and turned to him, "Then, say it." she said in a harder voice, "End all of this right now. Say that you love me."
Peter felt the weight press down harder, "I can't."
"Then, say that you don't love me." Sam demanded.
That was not about to happen.
"Never." Pete said in an audible whisper.