Make Me Smile

There are things that used to make me smile. One of them was you for just a little while

A long time ago, when I still remembered how to smile, when I still remembered how good it felt to smile, when I still had you.

You used to make me smile. Only you. You brought a meaning to my life and a smile to my face. If I had never had you I would be the same as I am now, but without memories.

But not even the best memories with you can make me smile again because I know I won’t live them ever again, nor will I live any other with you.

I used to be happy. Before you came along, but I can’t blame you for showing me something I though I would never feel, especially if it’s something as good as love.

The time I spend with you made up for all the smiles I didn’t smile and laughs I didn’t laugh after you left.

Every time I can’t find the strength to laugh I’m thinking of you. The way you laughed and giggled as if you would be able to do if forever. As if nothing was gonna stop you. We both wished.

It made me smile and laugh too while you were there. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep them going but with so many tears I cried after you left, nothing could make a smile feel right in my face.

When you knew you were gonna die, I knew I loved you. After being told I was gonna lose you I understood how much I really dreaded that.

In that moment I didn’t think about how much I would miss those kiss or those lips after they got dry and cracked. I didn’t think about how much I would want to see that smile again after you couldn’t smile it anymore. If I did I would have kept my eyes open, looking into yours as we kissed, looking at you while I was supposed to sleep, so I could make sure I would never forget all the colours in them without the image of the tears blurring my vision.

The thing I most remember form our last moments together were the tears. I cried because I was gonna lose you, and I wasn’t strong enough to held the tears until you could see them. So you cried too. You cried because seeing me cry like that remembered you of how much you would miss me after you were gone.

We never had deep conversations. Be real, people don’t really have them all the time. Not every line we said had a meaning but it was enough for us. Does it really matter as long as we could hear each others voices and know we were there?

I used to wish you were still here all the time. As long as I was conscious I wished you were here. Me being conscious didn’t happen that much after you left but it happened enough for me to understand that wishing wouldn’t do anything and that you were still not here.

But even if I know that it won’t change a thing sometimes I still wish you would be here and after that I’ll cry my eyes out because deep down I already know it won’t change the way things happened.

I still don’t think you deserved what you got. I would have deserved it more than you, but maybe you were paying for my mistakes because I did deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. And I am. I can’t smile, not even a fake one for my family and friends. I can’t be happy and I can’t laugh. Maybe I am laughing inside my head but my mouth doesn’t moves. Is as if the sound of my laugh as been erased forever.

I don’t even talk much anymore, if someone heard me say a word after you died they were one of the rare and lucky ones.

I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up.

Pretend I’m gonna be okay again knowing I have never been okay.

Pretend my love for you will fade knowing it will just never go away.

Pretend I’m gonna smile again knowing I didn’t even knew what a real one felt like before you came along.

There were things that used to make me smile. One of them was you for just a little while.