Help Me Find Myself

I sat on the bathroom floor, feeling weak. Weak for loving someone like her. She was a strong, passionate woman who knew what she wanted in life.

Did I know?

I thought I had, till she walked in my life. Making me question my very feelings for her.

“Bill,” her velvety voice called through the door. “Open this door. Open this door now.”

I hung my head. What was preventing me from ripping the door off its hinges and facing her, meeting her fierce gaze?

I was scared.

All my life I’d been looking for her to come in my life, and now I was terrified of what I was. I hadn’t been prepared for this beauty to control my emotions like this. She held my heart in her fist, and every time she clenched it, it’d beat harder for her.

“Bill, dang it, stop hiding from me. Stop hiding from me behind this door, behind that make up.”

I glanced at my chipped nails, desperately trying not to reach for the kohl to cover my face, so she couldn’t see how plain I really was. How vulnerable I really was. Who was this dependant on a stick of black?

“Bill,” she called for a third time, a different tone in her voice. “I love you. Bill, if you love me the same way, you’ll open this door.” I closed my eyes, succumbing to her deep, clear voice telling me my very wish.

“Let me in.”

My fingers shakily, I opened the door a crack. I scrambled up to my full height, hugging my bare torso and turning away from her. Letting my hair fall in my face, I heard her bare feet hit the cold tile floor.

“Kelli, I’m no good for you,” I hissed, my frame shaking from the rage I felt.
She didn’t need a pathetic excuse of a man like me. She deserved a man that could protect her the real way, give her a real life. Some man with big muscles to hold her perfect shape the right way. Some man to run his fingers though her hair, without wanting it for himself. Heck, she freaking belonged to a Prince Charming, not a little frog hiding in the pond. A gorgeous body builder, not a thin musician.

I felt a fingernail run down my spine, and the thought of her bright red nails on me made my skin get goose bumps.

“Hmmm,” She sighed, making patterns all over my back. “Maybe that’s what makes you so right for me. Have you ever thought that?” she questioned, a playful tone there. I internally groaned as she circled her warm arms around my torso, her chest rising up and down hitting my back.

“Bill, let me see you without a mask on.” I let my hair completely cover my face. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

She nestled her face in my shoulder blades, her arms wrapped fully around my body. She sighed again.

“I’m waiting.” she spoke deeply. I breathed in sharply, my lungs feeling punctured.

“Kelli, you won’t like what you’ll see,” She let go, and I felt her come in front of me, seeing her petite feet a couple inches from mine.

“I already know what I’ll see, Bill.” She stated, taking my hand in hers. Her perfectly smooth hand.

“I’ll see a young man trapped behind doubt and insecurity, without the look of pompous confidence on.” My lips twitched at her long words. She was sometimes a breathing dictionary.

“Bill, you’ve never wanted to really be that way, you’re hiding from yourself because you’re scared.” Yes Kelli, I thought.

I am scared.

I’m scared because of your incredible energy and passion. You’ll get bored of a person like me. You’ll be mad when I can’t meet your expectations. You’ll always be able to see my faults, just like now.

“Don’t be scared. I don’t want perfection. I want you.”

I slowly felt my gaze meet hers, her long eyelashes lowered as she mysteriously stared into my face. My hand self consciously tried to pull out of her hand, but she kept a firm grasp. A small smile came to her full lips, still slightly red from the lipstick she’d had on earlier.

“Bill, you’re the most handsome, most beautiful man I’ve ever met. How you can’t see this fazes me.” I bit my lip, feeling like a shy kid getting a compliment. She gently laid a hand on the center of my chest.

“Will you trust me? She asked, her eyes twinkling as she lovingly stroked my face in a maternal way. I looked back.

Why was I still scared?

Why?!

"Because she swept you off your feet. You didn’t capture her heart. She took yours. And she changed you. She broke down the heavy walls that surrounded your heart for so long. " my heart answered.

I finally nodded.

She nodded as well, and holding our hands over her shoulder, she led me to my room. Like a kid, I clambered to where my arrays of pillows were.

“Goodnight Bill.” She said, letting go of our hands. Quickly though, I grasped it again.

“Kelli? Stay here,” I whispered. I heard her hesitant.

“Bill, I…”

“I trust you Kelli. I, I love you the same way you love me. I love you.” I tugged her hand until I felt her near me. And I ever so gently pressed my lips to hers. She took my face gently in her hands, kissing back.

And those metal walls with millions of bolts and nuts holding it firmly around my heart tumbled down. It was like I could feel my heart struggling to not jump out of my chest, it beat so hard.

I pulled away, it hurt to breathe. Kelli just pressed my head against her, holding me tightly.

“Thank you, Bill.” I turned my head into the crook of her shoulder, feeling so very, very vulnerable. But I felt like me finally. She’d done it. Open every wound I’d kept closed with sarcasm and bottled up emotion, and just let them bleed till I could feel love and compassion once again.

“Kelli, talk to me.” I choked out.

She let my head fall back, and she brushed my hair from my eyes.

“Talk about what?”

“Anything.”

As she talked, I ran my hand through her hair. I loved her hair, but not for me. I was her protector now, her Prince Charming. I was in the process of being heeled, after having my heart ripped from my chest, but it was quickly being sewn up by her silky voice telling me it was ok, the gentle strokes of her hands telling me she understood, and her kisses saying she loved me unconditionally.

And I gave everything to her in return.

I was no longer lost.

Perfection had found me.

“Everything was so worthless, I didn’t deserve this, but to me you were perfect.”