Everything Left to Lose

It couldn't have been more obvious that something wasn't right with her. Under the facade of her chocolate brown eyes and the laid-back appearance; you had to be able to see through it. Underneath was something caged and wild, maybe even dangerous.

She fought to keep it hidden, to pretend that life would go on without the truth shining through again. No, she couldn't afford that. The pain, the embarrassment, the laughter. Could you believe that they laughed? She had spilt her heart and soul in front of them all, and one comment had been enough to tear her apart.

No, ever since then it was dire that she keep it together. But what had happened that changed so much in her life, so many years ago?

***

From the beginning of the school year, Poetry Friday was hosted every week in her Language Arts class. It was a time for students to either showcase their own work, or to share a piece they admired. For the longest time she'd wanted to go up there and speak, if only for a few moments. She'd even written her own poem. But was it good enough? It didn't even rhyme, much less flow like a poem should.

But Taylor had understood. She'd read the poem, and saw between the lines.

"You should read it. It's really good, I mean it."

She took a minute to examine those icy blue eyes, the thoughtful smile. Could she trust her?

The tiniest bit of faith flashed before her, hope that somehow, reading this could make everything okay. Oh, how she'd wished to take it all back.

There had been a substitute in the room that day. Ms. V had been out for a meeting, but Poetry Friday went on as planned. And this time, the wish to share came true.

All eyes landed on her as she went to the stand before the podium, interested to hear the words that would leave those silent lips.

One, two, three.

It was all she could do to steady herself, to make it through the last stanzas. Tears welled up in her eyes and her voice grew softer, heavy with the freedom of cutting the thoughts from her soul. Every word held meaning, picked out everything that was wrong with her mind. Doubt, fear, sorrow - even curiosity; all resonated from her paper and echoed through the room for all to hear.

She learned never to open her heart again that day.

With the words spoken and the tears wiped away, one question remained.

"Are you like, suicidal or something?"

It could've been the most innocent question in the world, but his words scorched her like flame. Kids erupted into laughter, and whether it was from his bravery to ask, or the look that she gave him in response, mattered not. She returned to her seat, defeated and thoroughly embarrassed.

It didn't matter what happened after that day, only that this would mean re-writing her life. She'd have to be cautious of what thoughts she did allow to slip from her mind, and be in control. But it didn't mean she couldn't learn to trust again. Taylor helped her to see that, and it's one choice that she'll never regret.