Whatever It Is

The man sat on a bench in the pouring rain, not caring that his tuxedo wouldn’t be able to be returned anymore. It was ruined, but at this point, so was his life. Who cared about a fucking suit?

The sky was bleakly gray, and just sort of hung low over the roof of the church as if it knew it was playing a part in the depressing scene.

He sat hunched over with his arms resting on the top of his legs, staring at the rain drenched ground. Water was also dripping from his hair, which was soaked and almost falling over his eyes. He was numb all over, and even his mind was blank.

An hour ago his head was filled with thoughts and questions.

How?

Was it something he did? Something he said?

Why ?

Was it something he didn't do? Didn't say?

What now?

He couldn’t think about it anymore, since he wasn’t coming up with any answers. So he just sat, in the rain, thinking about everything else and nothing at all simultaneously.

“Carlos!” A voice called out. Carlos didn’t look up; he didn’t even flinch. Footsteps could be heard sloshing through the church courtyard, followed by a hand on Carlos’ shoulder. “Carlos,” the voice said more calmly. It was Brian Anderson, a friend and teammate of Carlos’. “Come on man, you’re going to get sick.”

Carlos allowed Brian to pull him up, and suddenly everything got really blurry.

“Carlos,” Brian said again.

This time, Carlos noticed he was dry, and light was pouring down on him. His eyes fluttered open, and he realized he had been dreaming. Too bad he was dreaming about something that had actually happened. Brian was standing over him, obviously trying to wake him up.

“I need to get a foghorn or something,” Brian teased. Carlos smirked, running a hand through his hair. They were at Brian’s apartment, and obviously Carlos had fallen asleep on his couch.

“Sorry,” he offered.

“No problem,” Brian shrugged. “Hungry?”

Carlos nodded, and Brian went to get his takeout menus.

“You okay man?” Jermaine Dye, another teammate asked him. Carlos looked around, seeing a couple other guys from the team spread throughout the room.

“Yeah,” he lied. His teammates knew he wasn’t telling the truth, but they knew not to press Carlos for information he didn’t want to give. Not only was he stubborn, but he had a short fuse.

Later that night, when he was lying awake in bed at his apartment (like he did most nights), his mind traveled back to the dream he had at Brian’s place.

It was his wedding day. Or, would have been his wedding day.

She had left him at the altar, and he still didn’t know why.

Almost six months later, and she still hadn’t contacted him. He was hurt, he was angry, but most of all he was confused.

He thought they were in love. He thought they were going to be together forever.

As cheesy as it made him sound, he thought she was his soul mate.

He knew it had been a last minute decision for her to bolt. He had caught a glimpse of her at the church, in her dress.

Maybe that was what had jinxed it?

Sure, Carlos had second thoughts right before the ceremony too, but he wouldn’t have just…ran off. He would have at least given her the decency of talking to her.

But no, he stood up there, as they played the wedding march, waiting for her to walk through the doors and become his wife.

Only she never came.

And he stood there, like an asshole, waiting. Eventually the music stopped, and all Carlos got were sympathetic looks. He turned and headed out the side door of the church, unable to breathe. A flash of lightning and rumble of thunder later, and the rain was pouring down upon him.

Thinking back, Carlos realized he had every right to be upset. She had given no warning that she was unhappy, or scared, or anything.

He had put his heart on the line; he had been willing to share his entire life with a woman who apparently wasn’t willing to do the same for him.

So he was done.

There would be no relationships for him for a while, if ever again. Brian had tried setting him up on dates numerous times, but Carlos always refused. He went on a date once or twice, just to make Brian shut up, but he made sure to not get deeply involved.

Yeah, they were gorgeous, and yeah, they were easy, but Carlos didn’t want a solid relationship.

And the ironic thing was, neither did any of the women Brian set him up with. They were pretty content with being one night stands, and Carlos was happy to oblige in that respect.

While he had good intentions, Brian was a bit clueless when it came to relationship type women. He sent Carlos on dates with nice girls, but they were kind of…loose. They were good for the short term, but even if Carlos did want a relationship he definitely wouldn’t choose any of Brian’s picks. Sometimes he wondered if Brian just picked out pretty girls without talking to them, but either way it didn’t matter.

He didn’t want a girlfriend.

If he could be so blind as to make such a huge mistake once, he knew he would probably do it again. And as much as he hated to admit it to himself or anyone else, he couldn’t handle that.

He had baseball to worry about, and an injury to rehab. He wasn’t about to let himself get distracted anymore, especially at a time this crucial. It was the end of May, and Carlos was supposed to be able to get back in the game after the All-Star game, which was mid July.

It was already frustrating to Carlos that he couldn’t play, but the fact that he knew when he was supposed to come back didn’t make his days go by any quicker. They were agonizingly slow, and mostly consisted of Carlos sitting on the sidelines watching the action happen. He still worked out on occasion with the team, but every other time he wasn’t with them, he felt like an outsider.

Carlos shifted around in his bed, trying to get comfortable and go to sleep. He knew though, deep down, that it didn’t matter how comfortable he got. He wouldn’t be able to sleep.

***

A few days later, Carlos was tying one of his shoes at the gym, getting ready to lift some weights with Brian and a newer guy, Gordon Beckham. Carlos immediately liked the young man who was just called up from AAA Charlotte, and he knew Gordon would be a good asset to the team. He was upset that he wouldn’t be able to play with Gordon during his debut, but he was injured. He wouldn’t be able to play with Gordon for a while.

“So? Is she the one?” Brian broke the silence, referring to the date he had set Carlos up on the night before.

“No, she is not the one,” he answered, tying his other shoe.

“What was wrong this time?”

“Nothing. I already told you I don’t want a girl,” Carlos shrugged, keeping his gaze on his foot.

“Yeah, but, why not? I mean, it’s been like six months since-”

Carlos cut Brian off with a glare, shutting him up quickly.

“Listen, I’m just trying to help,” Brian said a few moments later.

“I know. And I appreciate it, but I’m not interested. And besides, your girls aren’t exactly the type to bring home to mom, you know what I mean?” Carlos chuckled, trying to avoid the topic of his failed marriage. Which, Carlos noted sadly, wasn’t even a marriage to begin with.

“Really? I thought they were nice,” Brian noted.

“Yeah, if you think with your dick, which you do,” Carlos remarked. He heard Gordon chuckle softly.

“Hey, either way I did you a favor then,” Brian quipped.

“Yeah yeah,” Carlos muttered as the three of them walked over to the equipment. A little over an hour into their workout, Brian spoke again.

“Gordon, you have a girl, right?”

Gordon nodded, glancing at Carlos. He didn’t know the whole story about had happened, but he knew the basics.

“What’s her name?”

“Anne,” he answered.

“How long have you been seeing her?”

Carlos rolled his eyes at Brian’s interrogation, but he just continued on with his workout.

“Four years,” Gordon grinned.

“Holy shit,” Brian blurted. “Is she in Georgia?”

“No, she came with me,” Gordon told them. Carlos tried not to let Gordon’s happiness get to him, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to tell Gordon to leave her now, before things got ugly, but he didn’t know what their relationship was like. He couldn’t assume all women were complete skanks snakes like his ex-fiancée.

Carlos closed his eyes and took a deep breath when he realized how bitter he had become.

Brian and Gordon continued their conversation, and Carlos walked away. He quickly showered and got changed before heading over to the locker he had stored his bag in. Gordon and Brian came in soon after, both getting ready to go shower themselves. Gordon purposefully stalled at his locker, waiting for Brian to head to the showers first.

“Hey, sorry about all the girlfriend talk,” Gordon offered to Carlos. “I know you don’t really like talking about that kind of stuff.”

“It’s fine,” Carlos told him. “You’re lucky to have a great girl.”

Carlos walked away right after, not letting Gordon say anything else.

He went straight home, not wanting to deal with anything or anyone, and just sat quietly in his apartment. Mostly he just sat around, lost in his thoughts, drinking a beer and watching TV.

Except he never really watched what was on, he usually just had it on for some background noise. Otherwise, his apartment would be deadly silent.

Carlos ran a hand through his thick hair, wondering for the millionth time where he had gone wrong.