My Heroine.

I've never had much hope in myself. Well, myself being in a relationship.

Frank ruined my confidence, but there was a boy before him. You remember, that boy that I was waiting for at that Halloween dance in grade 9?

And are you wondering why I thought that girl was such a skank? It's actually quite funny, because those two aren't together anymore, and I absolutely adore her.

I don't feel like coming up with a name for him, seeing as well, I've already failed at changing names. At least they are extremely different from the originals.

X-X-X

"Are you two dating?" "Awe, you guys are so cute."

I heard those lines, a lot. Mainly when he would stand there with me, after gym class, holding me like a boyfriend would. It was all extremely new to me. I'd never been held by a boy like he held me. I felt safe, comfortable, and I felt extremely confident that soon enough I would be able to call him my own. I thought he really cared, but apparently, not so much.

"Forget about him Amy, he isn't worth it. He's just a horny asshole and she's just a slut." Lauren fed me those words, trying to make me feel better. My eyes couldn't advert from the sight of him and her devouring each others faces in the middle of the infamous "skate park". As much as I wanted to look away, I couldn't. Thousands of swords were being shoved into my gut each time their lips parted and touched once again.

I'd just started high school two weeks ago, and I was already heartbroken.

Two of Lauren's friends came up(one of them being very important in this biography later on), and she seemed to forget the topic. They both gave me a pat on the shoulder and started another conversation.

My mother pulled up, and I quickly hopped into her car, saying good bye to Lauren. I let myself gaze over at him one more time, seeing him staring back at me.

I cried a lot that night. I cried a lot over him.

To be honest, he was the reason I started cutting.

Yes, I know. Laugh at me, I was an emo kid. But I was way too caught up in my "love" for this guy that I didn't realize what I was doing was absolutely ridiculous. Eventually he found out what I'd done, and had been doing, and threatened that he would cut twice as deep and as much if I ever did it again. He was so serious he held a sharp object to his own scared wrists during our class. He scared me. My reaction to the situation was to chuckle nervously and tried to pull the object from his grip.

He made me promise to stop. I did, for a little bit.

The only time I ever cut is when I felt rejected, alone, and felt like I have no way to get rid of my feelings. After a couple months of watching them fall in love, watching her pull him away from me, watching our friendship shatter, I broke and cut again.

This time my mother caught me and made me swear on her life that I wouldn't do it again. Apparently swearing on people's lives don't mean shit, because I cut after that, and she isn't dead.

X-X-X

I hope my time jumping doesn't confuse you, but I thought I'd let you read my first diary post about Frank.

7.18.07

Have you ever cared about some one so much, it seemed to hurt? You'd get lost in thought about them, and no one can pull you out of it. Just being away from them would throw you into some sort of depression. And then, knowing there was a really good chance that they think about you too made it even more unbearable to not be around them.

He's all I ever think about. It's actually quite annoying. Everything else manages to be not as interesting anymore, and his name is like, word vomit I guess. I've liked that saying ever since 'Mean Girls'. You know. Like, no matter how much you try, it just keeps coming out. yep, that's basically it.

That was two years ago. Two years ago I was extremely stupid. I barely knew him. He was too fucked up on drugs and drinking to remember my name.

I thought I loved him then because I was only starting grade ten and my hormones were seemingly worse than they are now.

It wasn't 'till this year did I realize I loved him, but I'm not in love with him.

My grade 10 year was a bunch of me whining, smoking, and hanging out with Anna a hell of a lot. I pierced my septum at the start of second semester and had random cases of bulimia, which had been happening since grade 9.

My cutting slowed down, seeing as I was happier in grade 10. As over dramatic as I was, being around Anna so much calmed me down. She lived in video games and anime. I didn't play video games and I still don't, but I lived in anime as well. I got more into my fan fiction writing on Quizilla at this point, and tried to pull myself as far away from the real world as I possibly could.

"But was he? I have no fucking clue. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how he thinks in the first place, but he obviously has the guys stupid thought process. 'Hey, lets kiss her on the cheek, make her feel like shes the world to me, then NEVER talk to her again. Yea, I'll talk to other girls on Facebook, I'll never go on MSN when she's on. Let's destroy her.' "

Another piece out of my journal. Still from 2007.

I actually laugh so hard at myself. I was so stupid, ranting about the same fucking thing over and over again. I wish all the time that I could go back in time just to slap myself and tell myself that he probably forgot about you already, seeing as he doesn't really give a shit about you until grade 11 anyways.

This is another excerpt from my journal, the day in late second semester, grade 10, that I told Frank I liked him on MSN and he didn't reply.

Laugh at me.

I hate him. That's right, you heard me. I hate him. I want him to burn in the firey depths of hell. The immature asshole couldn't even reply. He couldn't even had said, "I know what your going to say and I'm sorry, I don't think of you that way." He couldn't even do that. It's very hard to believe that he's 18. An adult. He can have all the stupid whore he wants. He can makeout with them, get AIDS. I don't care. He's dead to me.

I cried a lot, until he answered. I don't remember what he said. I remember I asked if it was going to ruin our friendship or make it weird, and he said it wasn't going to.

But he ignored me, and avoided me. At least that's what I convinced myself. But, knowing his immature attitude, he probably did.

Example of his immaturity or rather, his manwhore-ishness:

That year, he also let my best friends girlfriend suck him off. Because I later found out this girl was a hoe, and she had also messed around with my best friend(who is a boy in this case by the way) while he was with Lauren.

That was a shit load of drama I was happy to avoid. At this point, I'd stopped talking to Lauren completely and was still hanging out with Anna every day.

And that was grade 9 and 10 folks.