My Heroine.

I thought I'd begin this chapter of my life with a journal.

"1.18.09

I'm just gonna write a list...

I hate loving someone who is incapable of plenty.
I hate being so stressed.
I hate not being able to help Kelly.
I hate no being able to control my emotions.

I wish I could be unforgettable.
I wish I could help everyone I could.
I wish I could write a damn symphony and get amazing in music.
I wish I could be with my friends.

I believe if I was beautiful, maybe life would be a little easier.
I believe that if I didn't have a strange form of ADD, I could pass music with an over 80 average.
I believe that if I stayed in Brampton I probably would have lived happier.
I believe that if I was given the chance, I would make an amazing girlfriend.
But I'm never given the chance."

I still don't understand why I feel so comfortable posting this much of my life on the computer, even if I think only two people are reading this. Anyone could be reading this and not commenting, because they don't give a shit about my life and just clicked the link because they were curious. Soon enough they figured out that this was just another bullshit biography about some stereotypical teenage pessimist and clicked the 'x' quicker than you could read the word 'crap'. I wouldn't blame them, seeing as the people who are reading this are only reading it to get a closer look into my life.

And apparently I write well, which is a pretty rad thing.

X-X-X

My first day of grade 11 was eventful to say the least. Occasionally, when I kneel on my bed side table, leaning out my bedroom window, cigarette in hand, I think about that day. I was still friends with someone who we shall call Elle. You could say she was the reason I got into pot.

"So, do you think they're going to go get high?" I asked, picking at my finger nails, secretly hinting to something I hoped Elle would pick up. She paused momentarily, before I guess it clicked in her mind what I wanted, and she smiled knowingly.

"Probably... why, do you want to join them?" She asked, motioning towards the boy's street, her boyfriend at the time being the boy. He'd disappeared down the tracks with one of his friends ten minutes before I spoke up.

In my mind I quickly contemplated my pro's and con's. I had a spare 3rd period because my schedule had be messed up, and not fixed yet. Therefore I had time to clear my mind and feel less high when I got back for 4th period after lunch. But, what if I didn't feel good.

But you're not supposed to get high your first time...

As quickly as my thoughts started, they finished and I had nodded at Elle.

She ushered me down his street, and of course I'd taken my time to gaze around a corner to see if Frank was on his porch, playing his guitar or something. He was supposed to be at school, but I didn't expect him to be there anyways. I wound up disappointed when no one was there, only one car sat in the drive way, and that was always there.

I found myself in her boyfriend's backyard not soon after, my excitement slowly becoming more obvious. I grew more and more impatient as she stood there talking to him and his friend for a couple minutes, delaying my pot smoking time. In the mean time, I amused myself by staring at the leaves that swayed above the trampoline I'd situated myself on. My attention moved to their conversation again, before I grew bored and hopped off the trampoline, trying to make my impatience more obvious to my oblivious friend.

She got the hint quickly, and soon I was walking into a spot behind her boyfriends backyard that was surrounded by trees and had a few large rocks to sit on.

I eyed the pipe when it was pulled out, and slowly her boyfriend cut up the pieces of the green colored bud. I watched as Elle took the first haul, slowly handing the pipe to me, instructing me to hold the hole on the side of the bowl. They called it a choke, so I assumed that was what it was called.

I'm sorry to anyone who isn't Ember or Heddy and don't approve of drug use.

But I warned you.

Everyone told me that my first inhale of pot would kill my lungs and make me cough my lungs out. Those people also weren't aware that I'd been smoking for a year and a half at that point, and I was very use to the feeling of smoke trying to burn my lungs. I didn't cough once.

I also remembered that you're supposed to take two breathes to make sure you inhaled all the smoke, so you don't waste the pot and it gets you higher, quicker.

I didn't know my limit. Elle fed me the pipe in spoonfuls like I was a baby. Literally.

I swear, I had at least 7 bowls that day.

Let's just say I was pretty out of my mind. So out of my mind that I stumbled into the Dairy Queen in town and called my mother, telling her that I was sick and that I wasn't going to 4th period. I did this while I stared at my eyes in the mirror, silently cheering that my eyes weren't red. I hung up the phone and giggled, wondering why the bathroom was so dark, and why Elle was laughing at me. She asked why I didn't want to go to class, and I told her that I'd rather not make my teacher aware that I was a bad student on the first day.

That would have been a hilarious first impression.

If I only knew that my teachers mother had died and she was on a week break. I could have gone to class. I didn't give a crap about some supplies opinion of me.

I was tempted to rub my eyes, until I remembered I had make up on and I really didn't want to focus on reapplying in my state.

The rest of that day consisted of me worrying about my walking, seeing as Elle told me I was walking weird. I became paranoid that every person I saw was immediately going to know that I was baked and they would call the cops on me.

When I got home that day, I sat down at my computer for 5 minutes before I noticed I had been staring blankly at the black screen for that long and that I didn't want to go on the computer. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want food, which I was happy about. I felt less like a stoner.

After sleeping for a couple hours, I was still high, and just getting to the burning out phase.

It was a 5-6 hour high. Great for the first time, huh?

I had a fall out with Elle shortly after I'd smoked the pack she'd gotten me. It was a couple months into grade 11, and I'd started talking to an old friend again. Lauren was in my vocals class, but I didn't really know if I wanted to be her friend again.

In this class, I'd met Azura for the first time, but at first, to be honest, I thought she was a poser kid. The fact she previously went to a school that didn't have the best reputation didn't help.

It took her dating my best guy friend that I started to get to know her. It didn't take me long to find her to be a very... unique person. But it was always a good unique. She was another one of those people that I took a look at and immediately judged and didn't like. That was until I realized that she was fun to be around, and eventually developed a very good friendship.

I do that a lot with people. It's a barrier I set up, so I don't get hurt.

Zoey was the reason I came so close to being with Frank.

She pushed the idea of dating me on him, and she pushed for us to hang out and actually talk. Without her, I would probably still barely know him.

"Put me down!" I heard Zoey holler from behind me. I quickly turned around, finding her thrown over Frank's shoulder. Her fists slammed violently into his back, almost so hard you think he was going to break. He was very skinny, and looked like he couldn't pick up much weight. That wasn't the deal though, seeing as he was pretty damn strong.

I giggled along with Frank's twin and their friend. We all cheered Frank on as he walked triumphantly into his parents bedroom across from the stairs, throwing Zoey down on the bed and jumped on as well. He lay on the bed and laughed as I snatched a camera and took pictures of Zoey's misery.

"Oh-my-god. Can you guys put make up on me?" Frank asked all of the sudden, after him and his friend had used the camera to take pictures of the ridiculous set of glasses he found. Zoey and I looked at each other quickly before smiling evilly and dragging him to the small bathroom.

Frank ended up being a pansy and saw a mascara brush and decided that a heart on his cheek is enough make up.

"Go on Amy, you draw better than I do." Zoey spoke, smirking as she handed the eyeliner pencil to me and shoved me towards Frank, who was sitting on his toilet, waiting for something to be drawn. I hesitantly moved towards him, reaching out to touch him face to hold it still, but I quickly drew my hand back, nervousness overtaking me. I took a deep breath and calmed my shaking hand.

As I drew probably the best heart I've ever drawn in my life, I was zoned into a recent memory.

I sat on Frank's bed, slightly bored, and waiting for something to happen.

Frank's brother(that I'm naming Zack, because I can) and Zoey had run out of the room after Zack had jumped on me and she took lots of pictures. Before she left, she winked at Frank and I, but I don't think he saw the wink. He continued to play his bass, and I'd begun to feel as though he forgot I was in the room with him, sitting not even a foot away.

"So, how was your weekend?" He suddenly asked, averting his gaze over to my eyes for a moment before returning his focus to whatever he was playing.

A familiar tune started up, the bass line of Longview from Green Day, a band I'd learned previously was one of his past obsessions, like me. I had a 3 year obsession with Green Day before I discovered Avenged Sevenfold. I still adore Green Day though.

I sang the lyrics in my head and answered his question with an infamous 'boring'.

He started talking about how he got drunk and such, but it was something I was use to hearing. He had a party life, while I was stuck doing nothing.

I knew why Zoey had run out winking. Rumour had it that Frank was planning on asking me out, and was just waiting for the perfect moment. Well, it wasn't a rumour, I'd heard it out of his own mouth. My friend asked him when he was going to, since he said he wanted me, and I guessed he didn't know I was listening in, because I heard these exact words,

"I'm going to ask her out, I'm just... I want it to be special."

Here's your moment you dip shit, take it.

Zoey ran in the room, disappointed to see Frank continuing to play his bass, and I sat beside him, feeling rejected and defeated.

I finished the heart on his face and quickly dropped my hands. Frank quickly came up with the idea that we, meaning me, Zoey, him, Zack, and their friend should all take pictures together. The whole time he pressed me close to him, resting his head on mine, and doing other cute things. I felt extremely happy, wishing that this would be permanent.

It wasn't.

A few weeks later I found out that he didn't want me anymore, or at least he said he didn't.

Lauren 6:41pm

i am worried about it because shes getting hurt out of it

Frank 6:41pm

don't even worry about it, if i wanted to ask her out i would have long ago

amy?

?

naw man

He said stuff after, that I don't feel like posting.