My Heroine.

I never expected this to be as short as it came out, but I don't know what to write anymore. I've finally fallen out of the trance he had me in; I've fallen out of the love I felt for him.

From the moment I laid my eyes upon him, I thought he was all I've ever wanted. His eyes were ones you could fall into, and he has an irresistible charm to him. His smile is one that could light up your day, and a smirk that could bring you to your knees. Well, that's how he affected me.

But I wasn't one to get on my knees and smile like a donut. And maybe that was why I never got him.

And that's something I don't know. I don't know his intentions, his thoughts, or why he behaves the way he does.

He dates girls that kind of look like me I've noticed(or I could just be crazy). My hair is naturally brown and he seems to like brunettes. One thing I respect about him is that he doesn't fall into that really shallow stereotype you'd assume he'd agree with. He doesn't have to have a skinny girl. A girl is a girl to him. And again, this is what I've taken from knowing him.

He's the type of guy that only wants to party. He wants to drink, do drugs, and live to how he sees best. I know that his motto in life is to live life to the fullest, and he does. I just never fit the part. But he didn't fit into my life either.

I don't regret anything, not one tear, not one smile. Nothing. I'm only a teenager, only seventeen years old. This part of my life will influence me for the rest of my years. I'm smarter now, I know what to avoid, and I know what should be just friendship. It's my every intention to be his friend, because to be honest, even if he's not around a lot, when he is, he's a great guy.

A few days ago I was miserable still, I found out he got himself a girl. She parties with him, and she's around him all the time. She fits into his lifestyle, and hell, I wouldn't doubt she give him what he wants. But that's because she's obviously comfortable with it, I wasn't.

I've come to the conclusion that I need a guy on my own level. Yes, I am a virgin. Yes, I haven't gone anywhere with a guy. Not that I haven't wanted to for a long time. Most of the time I don't enjoy being a virgin. It eliminates the possibility for a relationship since many guys get scared. He may have gotten scared. Or maybe he really didn't lie when he said he never had an interest in me(and I really wish that I didn't have to assume everything).

I highly doubt that, but remember, he's quite fucked up on whatever he takes.

Now, you may ask, why am I just finally deciding that enough is enough?

Because I've learnt my lesson. I've cried enough tears. I've been depressed enough for people to notice, and I hate that sort of attention. I've also found a new boy to focus on.

I also have a new view of life, and that is to just let life happen. If he comes back and something happens, it happens. If I meet a new guy and things happen, they happen(hopefully you get it).

And I'm starting my life again with a better point of view.

I don't want to jump into some ridiculous infatuation for this new guy. I'm working on a friendship first. He's a great guy with a good head on his shoulders. I'm almost an adult, I don't want a party boy anymore.

I'm only human, knowing me I'll fall back into my old patterns, but I'm hoping I won't.

Shit happens though.

My friends would get annoyed with me, when I was all about him. One minute I loved him, the next he'd do something that would piss me off and I wouldn't know anymore. I had a constant stream of mixed feelings that drove me to become a depressed basket case.

I noticed when I stopped talking to Lisa, one of my big factors for depression, I became a tidbit happier. I no longer had to think about her. No longer did I have to worry if she was doing drugs again. I didn't have to worry if she was sleeping properly or if she was taking care of the bun in her oven(and I don't even know now if she still has it). There was no more stress about her, her life, or the drama that seemed to waft around her like a putrid aroma. I didn't think about her, and I still don't.

She meant the world to me, and I miss what we use to have as a friendship. But then I remember how much better off I am now.

I wish her all the best, but I have to live my life.

And I began to notice that I should do the same with him.

No longer do I have to think about him. I'm not going to fall into day dreams where he asks me out, or we kiss, etc. I'm no longer hopelessly in love, because I've opened my eyes.

It's amazing what you find when you just open your eyes, see the real situation.

I talked to him today, Frank I mean. Today was the second time he'd ever really apologized, and I saw that he really meant it. I know what you may be thinking and no, he didn't apologize for dating that girl or whatever. He saw how mad at him I was for not getting my friends a pack of smoke(yes, I know, it's sad), and not being around for a whole month and a bit to explain himself.

And be proud guys, I felt nothing.

Not even his eyes got me this time. I'm finally free.

I truly wish I could write more for the few that have caught onto this journal type thing now. I was expecting more drama, more intense stuff to happen in my life.

It was much better that it ended like this though, considering I don't think I could handle much more. I'm an over-emotional basket case, I told you guys this.

I wish this could be longer, I really do, but I guess this is it for now. This is the ending to my modern tragedy, where my love was the downfall. I got very lucky that I didn't end up like Macbeth. (lawl)

But this was a tragedy with a twist, one that ended with a remotely happy ending.