And If You Want I'll Keep on Dying

20 - Alone

Gerard left for the rest of his tour yesterday. I called Thomas back, and I tried to get excited about Vegas with Jules, but I was sad. Despite the fact that I had a lot of stuff to look forward to, I just wanted to sit around and be lazy.
Work was piling up and I didn't want to do that, but I had to. I had a page long list, so I printed it off and got out my sketch book. I didn't feel like an artist. I felt like a lonely lonely bored little girl. Which was kind of true. The only untrue part was that I'm not a little girl. I'm a grown woman who has the easiest funnest job ever but still doesn't want to do it.
I fell asleep on the couch.
At least half of my work was done.

BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! I woke up hearing the muffled sound of my alarm clock coming from my room. My back hurt. I had fallen asleep on my sketchbook.
"Shit..." I mumbled, getting up and turning off my alarm clock. I looked around my room. Clothes all over the floor. Futon in the middle of the room next to that god damn alarm clock. The pillow was at the end of the futon, and I had no idea what had become of my blanket.
My apartment didn't looked lived in at all. I could throw everything I owned into a car and be gone. That scared me. I didn't want that kind of power over my own life. I didn't know what I would do with it now that I wasn't being controlled by a crackhead therapist and my psychotic mother.
Then there was Gerard.

"Well, today was a break from the tour, but I have to go tomorrow. I...I don't want to, but I have to and it's kind of important. But the tour ends at the end of the month. Uh...and I was wondering if you wanted to move to Jersey with me?"
I frowned. He would be gone for the rest of the month and he wanted me to move to the state that my mother lived in. Uhm.
"Gerard...I don't know how well I'll be able to deal with that...especially since I definitely don't want to move to New Jersey. I can't deal with everyone there. Especially my mom."
"Oh..." Gerard looked crushed and I didn't think I could do anything to make it up to him. "That's fine I guess."
"Can't you move here?"
"Rayaaaa...I have my band...and people in Jersey that I don't dislike."
I started to cry. Shit I was already fucking things up. I couldn't believe this. Ten years of being messed up, and now I was just going to make myself even more messed up. This sucks.
"Please don't cry," Gerard said hugging me tightly, " I promise we'll figure this out by the time I get back...if not sooner."
"I-I don't w-wanna wait that long Gee..." I sniffled. I felt like a teenager. I felt exactly like a teenager.
"How about New York? It's close enough to Jersey, but you don't have to be in any situations with your mom...?" This man was amazing.
"I love you..." I said, though it was muffled because my face was buried in his chest.
"I love you too," he replied.

Evidently I am moving to New York. How the hell could I have forgotten something as important as that?!! Wow. Just, wow. This was going to kind of suck. I was going to have to give up the only two friends I had managed to make in California.
Two friends, or my Jersey life? My job comes with me wherever I go. I can always get a new therapist, or just keep in touch with the one I've got. I'm not as poor as I look. I make six figures. I can come back to Cali whenever I want, now that I think about it.
This could work.
I called Thomas and told him the whole story.