Tell Me It's Not Too Late

I groaned loudly as I leaned over the white toilet, staring down at my dinner from last night that I hadn't planned on seeing after my body broke it down to mush. I wiped my sweaty forehead with the sleeve of my long sleeves shirt, the blue fabric absorbing the moisture. I had been up since four in the morning switching from throwing up to lying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. It was now 6:30 and I needed to get myself off the floor and into the shower, but I just couldn't find the strength. It would be so much easier if Zach was here with me, but he had gone back to New Jersey two days after I got out of the hospital.

It's been almost three weeks since then and part of me is glad that he hasn't been here to see me like this, but then there is the part that misses him so much that it makes me physically hurt. I was beyond cranky all of the time, 10 times worse than when I was PMSing. I went through stages of throwing up, crying, and stuffing myself with food. As a whole, my body fluctuated so much that it wore me out. I was exhausted all the time so much so that Zach and I hadn't talked for a week/ He would call after his games, but I would be long gone into my dreams. Although dealing with the morning sickness was easier with his sweet texts and voice mails, I still preferred the real deal over anything else.

i sighed softly, slowly picking myself off the floor and beginning the task of pulling my clothes off. My back screamed in protest as my muscles tightened, stiff because of how much time I was spending hunched over the toilet. I whimpered softly and stepped into the scalding water. My whole body began to unwind as the water pounded the tightness from my sore muscles. I washed myself quickly but stood in the stream of water for another fifteen minutes, stepping out just as the water began to filter out cold.

I dressed quickly for work, not bothering to put and effort into my appearance. If I felt like shit, I might as well look like it too. My phone rang just as I pulled on my jacked and wrapped a scarf around my neck to protect it from the still biting wind. Winter just did not want to disappear.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Abbs, it's Brian." He answered

"Hey, I'm going to be a little late."

"Don't bother coming in. Parise told me. You have to be feeling like crap."

"He told you? When?" I asked, scrunching my nose and pausing midway to the door.

"I just got off the phone with him. He's worried about you, but what I want to know is why I had to find out from him?" He questioned, his voice holding a definite snap. I pursed my lips and sighed loudly.

"I don't know, I just didn't want to tell anyone yet," I mumbled.

"Krissy knows."

"Krissy is different," I snipped at him. "Don't make this into some sort of game between the two of you."

"Abbie, I'm not. I'm your best friend, it's my job to care." He hissed back at me, standing his ground.

"Don't use that tone with me, Brian. And you can count on me not coming in." I growled at him before I pressed end. Guilt washed over me as I huffed an puffed in the kitchen, mad that I had been so rude to him. He had a point, he shouldn't find out I'm pregnant from Zach. He should find out from me.

I stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter when my stomach began to swirl but this time for a different reason. I was starving since everything I had consumed yesterday came right back up this morning. I groaned loudly at the never ending cycle and walked across the kitchen to make some toast.
 
I put my elbows on the counter and waited for my toast to be done, ignoring the ringing of Zach’s phone. I figured it could be him but I was definitely not in the mood to be social. Instead, I lost myself in my thoughts, thinking about these past three weeks and how I was basically tying up all of my loose ends here.
 
I put my apartment up for sale along with moving all of the things I wanted to bring with me to New Jersey. I left the new owners all of my furniture, knowing it wasn’t a necessity. I gave my editor my two weeks and told both Krissy and Brian I was leaving. Krissy understood but because Brian didn’t know about the baby, he was ticked. I was positive that he understood now, why I was leaving my life in Minnesota. It was so much bigger than missing Zach all of the time; it was life changing
 
Most of my stuff was in New Jersey at this point. A small amount of my wardrobe and other necessities still remained with me but other than that, my belongings were in my new home state.
 
The toast popped up, causing me to jump and my heart rate to accelerate. It didn’t matter if I knew it would happen, it always freaked me out. I flipped the browned bread onto a plate and smeared some peanut butter on it before I trudged back up the stairs to the bed I never wanted to leave. I didn’t make it though, a knock at the door stopping me in my tracks. I sighed and turned, hobbling to the door while shedding my jacket and scarf. I opened the door, seeing Jordan Parise standing awkwardly with his hands shoved in his pockets.
 
“Hey Jordan,” I murmured, pulling him into a tight hug.
 
“Hey, Zach wanted me to come check on you since he called and you didn’t answer.”
 
“He didn’t want me too. I’m cranky.” I told Jordan, wrapping my arms around my body tightly.
 
“Right, well, I’m going to head out then since it looks like you’re okay,” He told me, beginning to walk back to his truck.
 
“Hey Jord, if you’re not busy, do you maybe want to stay? I’m kind of desperate for some human contact.”
 
HE laughed lightly and shook his head yes, following me inside.
 
“Damn, baby brother,” he exclaimed when he walked in, glancing around the house and taking in the extravagance of it. He had the same reaction I did, and the same awestruck look on his face. “This place is fucking huge. What, are you guys planning on populating the world?” He chuckled, plopping down on the couch and flipping on the T.V. “Oh, Zach wants you to call him, good mood or bad mood.”
 
“Mkay,” I murmured, walking to the kitchen to get my cell phone. I dialed his number before taking a bite of my toast, able to chew and swallow before he answered.
 
“Hey you, how are you doing?”
 
“I’m… terrible.” I confessed, not wanting to lie because I didn’t have the strength to keep up the facade.
 
“Aw, baby, I’m sorry,” he murmured, his voice quiet and sincere. “I wish I could help.”
 
“It’s alright, even if you were here there isn’t much to help with how crappy I feel.”
 
“I’d make you stay in bed, first of all. Second of all, I’d give you a back rub and foot rub. I’d make you feel like a princess.”
 
“That sounds like heaven.” I breathed.
 
“I miss you, Zach.”
 
“I miss you too.”
 
“Come home.”
 
“I can’t baby, but you’ll be here soon.” He whispered a slight sadness to his voice. My heart ached for him and his strong arms, pulling from my chest and reaching for him through the phone.
 
“No soon enough,” I complained, walking back into the living room where Jordan was watching the NHL Network. “Jordan was watching the top plays of the week, a clip of Zach’s shoot out goal against the Boston Bruins, how he faked Tim Thomas out and flipped the puck in the net like it was nothing.
 
“Oh! That was so sick!” Jordan bellowed, pulling the phone out of my hand and began talking to Zach. “But I would have stopped that.” This began a debate between the two Parise boys as my eyes started to close, exhausted from my early morning. I fell asleep as Jordan told Zach not to call him a sieve or he’d hope on the first plane to New Jersey to teach him a lesson. I could help but hope Zach would do it, just so I could tag along with Jordan, and be with Zach again.
 
When I woke up again, I was laying in my bed, curled up next to Zach’s pillow. I looked at the clock, noticing it was already dinner time and there was a constant knocking on my door. I lazily pulled myself out of bed, and walked downstairs just as Jordan opened the door. Brian stood on the other side of the door, a small smile on his face. I returned it with one of my own as he held up a bad I knew contained sandwiches from pot belly.
 
“You’re my favorite,” I squealed to him, my stomach rumbling uncomfortably at the smell of the toasted sandwich.
 
“Sorry, I didn’t bring any for you,” Brian motioned to Jordan who shrugged his shoulders and grabbed his coat off the railing, putting it on and pulling his keys out.
 
“Its fine, I was going to leave when she woke up anyway,” He smiled softly at me and wrapped an arm around me. “Call if you need me okay?” He rubbed my arms just like Zach did, making tears pool in my eyes. I nodded and he kissed my cheek, squeezing me tightly before he released me and walked out the door, closing it behind him.
 
“Hey,” I said to Brian once the door shut.
 
“Hi,” he smiled back at me, pulling me into a hug. “You okay?” He asked me, seeing the emotions evident in my eyes and on my face. I tried to nod or answer him but instead I burst into tears.
 
“I just want Zach,” I sobbed loudly, hiccups interrupting my sentence.
 
“I know, but you don’t have a choice. He’s in New Jersey, you’re here. It’s just one of those things. But you’ll be seeing him soon. Isn’t he coming out here to get you anyway?” His hands rubbed up and down my back, trying too soothe me, but the only person I wanted to be doing that was Zach. It wasn’t fair that he had to live somewhere else while I had to deal with my crazy emotions and everything by myself. It wasn’t fair that I had to be pregnant and go through all of these changes while he got to keep living his life the way he wanted. I sniffed and snapped at myself, telling the selfish side of me to shut up. Usually I was okay with all of this, but I was on an emotional roller coaster today and the fact that I was missing Zach really wasn’t helping.
 
“It’s okay,” Brian murmured, leading me to the couch where he made me sit down and take deep breaths to stop the persistent sobs.
 
“I love it here, but when it comes down to it, if he isn’t here, I don’t want to be either. And that should be a good thing because it will make leaving easier but that’s not how I want to feel about this place that has always been home.” I breathed out once I had control of myself.
 
“That’s love, honey. It messes you up and rearranges your priorities. It kicks you around and makes you think things that you don’t want to think, and feel things you don’t want to feel, but you can’t change that. It’s just what happens. Be thankful that you’ve found someone like that in your life, some people never do. Plus, you two are beyond perfect for each other, and I’m going to stop because I sound like a chick.” I chuckled softly at the last part and crawled over to him, leaning my head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. He pushed the hair away from my face, and looked down at my outfit.
 
“Do you maybe want to change before we eat?” He asked me. I nodded and pulled myself off the couch, unbuttoning my too tight pants as I went. I ignored the surge of panic that washed through me, knowing that this was only the start of my clothes not fitting properly anymore.
 
“This fucking sucks.” I snapped to myself as I threw the drawers to the dresser open, pulling on a pair of Zach’s sweat pants and sniffling softly. A tear slipped down my cheek as I wiped it away and tried to stop feeling sorry for myself. Some people can’t even have kids, and this baby would be bringing a lot of joy to mine and Zach’s life. Yeah, that’s it, be positive. I pulled off my blouse and exchanged it for a t-shirt along with a sweatshirt.
 
Brian and I spent the rest of the night wrapped up on the couch together, watching movies and spending one of our last nights together. We talked about the old days and the office, how things would be dull and boring without me to lighten everything up. We talked about New Jersey and if I was going to be working when I got there. I still wasn’t sure; it was a decision to be made after the baby was born. Zach was also a hot topic, giggling about how he was definitely going to be spoiling the baby much more than I will be. Brian told me I was going to have to be the stubborn and mean parent otherwise our kids were going to be little shits. I told him to watch his mouth when he talked about my unborn children.
 
“I’m going to miss you when you leave Abbs, but I’m happy for you. I want this for you and Zach. This is so exciting. Can I be the Godfather?” He asked me, grinning down at me as I rolled my eyes.
 
“Sure, you and Krissy,” I giggled, knowing Brian and Krissy would spoil the kid more than Zach and I would. Not to mention kill each other trying to out best one another.
 
“Why her?” He whined to me.
 
“Because it’s my kid.” I stuck my tongue out at him and sat up, looking at the clock to see it was already 11 at night.
 
“I should probably head out,” He told me when he followed my gaze.
 
“Alright, well, drive safe,” I told him as I walked him to the door.
 
“Are you coming in tomorrow?” He asked me, raising his eyebrow.
 
“Most likely, I have to start packing up my desk.” I murmured, examining the door pane and avoiding his gaze. “You know I don’t want to go to another paper right?”
 
“Yeah, but there are better ones on the East coast and you’re close to New York. Just think Abbie, the New York Times.” His eyes got a bit dreamy and I giggled, shaking my head.
 
“That’s your dream Bri, not mine.” I smiled softly, “but maybe you should move out there. Use me leaving as an excuse or something. You’re too good for this small place.”
 
“Well, then you go live my dream for me,” he teased, hugging me before stepping outside. “And tell Parise nice house.”
 
“Bye Brian,” I giggled before shutting the door after him.
 
I sighed and trudged up the stairs, ready to call it a night. The next week was going to fly by so fast that before I knew it, Zach would be here to bring me to our new house. I fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow, worn out just by the knowledge that my terrible pregnancy cycle would start all over again when I woke up in a couple hours.
***
 
The walls were bare, so bare; I couldn’t stand to look at them any longer. The pictures and posters were gone, and the stark white walls were as bland and boring as they were when I first moved into the office. I wrinkled my nose at the wood desk on the left side of the room, hating how empty the desk looked.
 
My feet kept me planted in the middle of the room, looking over the place that had been my hide out from the craziness for the past three years. I sighed and walked to the window, sick of scrutinizing the barren office. My eyes searched the sky, landing on a plane that was coming into the city. It could be Zach’s since he was due in at about noon and it was already 11:45. I squeezed my eyes shut as the tears burned the backs of them. Today I would be moving halfway across the country. It was so bittersweet for me. I didn’t want to say goodbye to all the people I cared about so much, but then again, this would make me closer to Zach. This was what was best for our little family. My hands fluttered down to my stomach, resting on my lower abdomen where the baby sat, developing and living. It was weird to have something growing inside of you. It felt wrong but right all at the same time. I could only imagine what my reaction would be when the baby was able to kick.
 
A knock on my door jam pulled me from the city. I turned to Brian, smiling at my sad, long time friend. We crossed the room and met halfway, both of us squeezing the other tightly.
 
“I can’t believe this day is here already,” I mused to him, a tear trickling quietly down my cheek. It was a sad tear, one that expressed my grief but the fact that there wasn’t more told me that leaving would be easier than I thought.
 
“Yeah, but we heave cake for you,” Brian told me optimistically.
 
“I don’t want cake. I’ll just go throw it up in the bathroom anyway. I want my stomach as empty as I can have it for the plane ride.”
 
“That makes sense.” Brian nodded.
 
“I’ll let you have it all,” I smiled up at him, stepping away when I noticed Zach standing in the doorway. We both stared at each other, drinking the other in. This was the last time we would be away from each other for so long. His road trips were never three or four weeks gone. I could make the two week ones as long as they were few and far between. Finally, Zach snapped too, crossing the room in two strides and pulling me into his body. His hands pressed me softly into him, fluttering over my back and massaging my muscles. He knew about my back pain, understanding that it came from being hunched over the toilet for two hours straight every morning. I took in his scent, my fists grabbing hand fulls of his shirt to keep him plastered against me. I needed his warmth and the firmness of his body to reassure me that this wasn’t like the dreams I had been having since we were apart, that he was really here.
 
“I’m so glad we never have to do this again,” Zach murmured softly into my hair as he pressed sporadic kisses to my head.
 
“Me too, never again, please?”
 
“Never.” He affirmed as he pulled away, smiling softly down at me. He glanced up, smiling at Brian and shaking his hand. “Nice to see you again.”
 
“Always.” Brian shook his hand forcefully, “I guess I should tell you congrats in person.”
 
“I never got a congrats.” I pouted.
 
“You will when you have the kid,” Brian told me, patting my head lightly. I glared at him, smacking his stomach hard.

"Kidding, congrats kid. You're finally growing up," He teased me some more, kissing the top of my head. I watched as he looked at him watch, his expression becoming somber when he saw the time.

"You have to go?" I asked him, already knowing the answer was yes.

"Yeah, interviews." He mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. I stepped out of Zach's arms, sighing softly as I crashed into his body. "Have a safe trip. I'll miss you." He mumbled against the top of my head.

"Bye, Bri," I murmured, tears falling down my cheeks and soaking into his dress shirt. It was white and a little bit of my mascara dripped along with my tears, a black smudge now visible on the cloth. "Sorry."

"It's alright," he assured me, his thumbs brushing my tears away. "Take care of yourself and call me at least once a week." He made me promise. "Bye." He murmured, stepping away and giving Zach a man hug. "Take care of her."

"Always." Zach told him firmly, his eyes hard and promising to Brian.

"Have a happy life you jolly people. I'll see you when you come back," he waved to me, blowing me a kiss before he tapped on the door jam and walked down the hallway. I bit my lip as the tears flew down my face, staring at Zach as he walked towards me with a soft expression on his face.

"You'll see him in a couple months," Zach reminded me. "You won't be gone long."

"I know but it feels like a life time," I wailed, losing control of myself. Zach was quick to shush me softly, his hands working wonders along with the sweet cooing of his voice. He led me to the one remaining chair in the office, setting me in it and crouching down to look at me. "Breath, it's not good for you or the baby to be worked up," he reminded me, his hands coming to my neck and making me breath slowly. I shook my head up and down, listening to the softness of his voice and letting it settle me down until my hiccups were gone.

"I don't want to leave," I whimpered.

"I know," he told me, an expression of pain running over his features. I could see the guilt in his eyes that he felt because he blamed himself for how upset I was.

"But I'm so excited to move on with our lives," I smiled softly, the grin stretching wider when Zach's dimples made indents in his cheeks. They were without a doubt my favorite feature on him.

"Are you ready to leave?" He asked me. I nodded, taking a deep breath and blowing my nose with the tissue he gave me. I grabbed my purse off of the desk, looking back one more time at the place that listened to me talk out my stories and would always be another home away from home. I grabbed Zach's hand and followed him out of the office. I waved goodbye to the people who meant the most for me at the paper. The people who encouraged me and mentored me. I hugged my editor goodbye, laughing when he told me my job would always be open if I wanted to return. I smiled sadly at him, both of us knowing I would never come back. Zach and I walked out into the sun shine, the Minnesota weather finally starting to warm up now that I would be leaving. He turned to me and I looked up at his face, shielding my eyes from the sun.

"I love you," he told me, leaning down so his lips were an inch from mine.

"I love you too," I murmured softly, closing the gap between us and making him understand that even though it was hard to leave, I definitely had no regrets.