Tell Me It's Not Too Late

Zach and I laid on the bed on a lazy Saturday afternoon, both of us not wanting to put forth the effort to get out of bed. Zach would be leaving for Shattuck in a couple hours and we wanted to spend as much time as possible together. Zach's hands rested on my huge baby bump as we watched a random movie play out of the screen. I wasn't paying attention to it, the baby kicking too much for me to focus on anything. I was nervous with how acting the baby way. Usually he was pretty docile during the afternoon hours, opting to sleep and move only slightly, but lately he had been kicking up a storm. In my mind, the motherly part of me was worrying, thinking of in the movies how the person is always kicking frantically when they are being suffocated or dying, but Zach was there to calm my worries for me.

"What's up kiddo?" Zach murmured softly to the baby, his ear resting on my tummy, one of his favorite things to do.

"He wants you to stay home with Mommy," I responded, my eyes trailing over Zach's toned, bare chest. It pissed me of that I had to be the one to get fat through this whole thing. Why couldn't he have a swollen belly and ankles, crazy urges, or wild mood swings? I sighed at that thought, rolling my eyes to the ceiling as Zach's hands spread out over my bump. He loved to do this, just sit in bed and run his hands over my stomach and feeling the way the baby responded to him. The baby recognized Zach's voice, making the soon to be daddy beam proudly down at me.

"I love you," he lovingly cooed to me. My heart seemed to beat stronger in my chest after that. Even after all this time, the sound of Zach telling me he loved me never got old.

"Are you sure you don't want to come to the game?" He asked me. I scowled at him.

"Don't encourage me to skip out on my bed rest," I scolded him softly. "You know I want to go, but I can't. Plus, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed," I told him, shifting around as my back started to cramp up.

"I know, I was just teasing. And I meant more in the context of are you going to watch?" He raised an eyebrow at my belly as the baby all of a sudden stopped kicking me. I gave him a worried look but he shook his head as the baby began to move instead of kicking. "He's fine. Don't stress yourself out."

"It's so hard with all the problems," I huffed at him. "Is the game even on TV?" Zach was going to be participating in the Shattuck alumni game that took place every summer. They had to push it back further though because so many people wouldn't be able to make it in June.

"Yeah, the local channel." He assured me, placing kisses over my belly where my belly button was in the shape of a heart. "I never want to leave you," he whispered softly to me.

"Then don't." My fingers sprawled out over his head, running through his soft brown hair as he rested his head on my stomach, his hands rubbing up and down my sides affectionately. He brushed his lips over the two inch width of my stomach that wasn't covered by my big t-shirt where the baby's head now was. He was turning in my stomach, his head upside down as he got ready to go through the delivery process.

"I have to get going soon," he sighed softly, but not making an effort to move or get up. "Are you going to be okay here alone?" He wondered, crawling up the bed to peck my lips.

"Yup. Just fat me, sitting in bed, waiting for my baby to come into the world and my lover to come home," I giggled softly, pulling his chin down so I could kiss him.

"When are you going to let me marry you?" He wondered, his lips brushing across my forehead while his hand gripped my right one where his ring rested.

"When I'm not fat, and it doesn't look like you married me because of our son," I told him, nuzzling his nose before pushing him up. "Go make us proud."

"I'll try," he murmured, his lips pressing to my stomach one more time followed by two quick I love you's and he was out the door.

An uneasy feeling settled over me once he left, the abdominal cramps starting to become more persistent. I had noticed them over the past couple days, but had deliberately kept that information from Zach, deciding that he didn't need to know since it was normal through out the pregnancy. But today they were more pronounced than they had been.

I ran my hands over my swollen tummy, cooing softly to the baby as he moved inside of me. He would kick every now and then, telling me he was restless. Usually he slept during the day fairly well unless I was walking to the bathroom, then he liked to kick me just so that I knew he was up with me. I loved to talk to him, or once an awhile, Zach would let me get out of bed and go into the nursery, so I could fiddle around in there or begin nesting as the baby book called it.

I flipped through the channels, not surprised to find nothing on the TV that I was interested in. After being on bed rest for a month, I had long since finished all of the movies in the house. I felt my eyelids growing heavy and I begged for the sleep to settle in and for the baby to settle down so I could try to get some sleep.

Recently, The baby would rarely stop kicking long enough for me to get a decent amount of sleep. He was already a very active child and I scolded Zach constantly for putting his hands on my belly at night. It only made the baby more excited knowing that his daddy was right there. Sleeping wold help me get more energy, and would also pass the time quicker before Zach would be home. Yeah, sleep sounded like a good idea to me.
***

I awoke suddenly at 8:30, the clock on the nightstand shinning in my face as the light outside the window dimmed to a dark blue. I squinted my eyes at the intruding light before I became aware of how active the baby was being. It freaked me out when I felt the cramping from earlier becoming more intense, the dull ache now up to a decent stitch of pain. I bit my lip as the tears pooled in my eyes, thinking back on the night when I had passed out in my bathroom with no one there to take care of me until Jordan showed up.

I moved my hips a bit, trying to pull myself up in bed, but the cramps worsened instantly, making me curl up into the fetal position. The baby kicked violently against my stomach as I tried to take deep breaths, grabbing my phone off the nightstand and dialing Lily's number. Her and Travis were in town to watch Darcy play in the game, the Zajac's as a whole getting together, but also because Lily and Travis wanted to check up on us after getting back from their honeymoon; the two were married three weeks ago, a week after Krissy and James.

"Hey Abbs, Zach has already scored twice. Have you been watching?" She greeted me, some light cheering heard in the background.

"Lily, I need you to do me a favor," I told her, talking through gritted teeth as the pain continued to push against my lower abdomen. I was so worried about the baby but at the same time, I was thankful that he was still kicking against my stomach, telling me he was okay for the time being.

"What's wrong?" She asked, her voice filled with panic.

"I think I'm going into labor or something along that line, but you need to get me Zach. He needs to meet me at the hospital."

"How are you getting there?" She exclaimed, her voice nearing a full on panic attack.

"I'm going to call my neighbor. She'll bring me to the hospital. I need you to stay calm; I'm calm and I'm the one going through it. Just please, get Zach." I begged, sitting up and climbing slowly out of bed. It took all of my strength to stand up.

"Okay, be careful," Lily told me to which I said I would.

I dialed my neighbor, Lisa, and told her I needed a ride to the hospital to which she said she would be over immediately. I grabbed my bag, my back protesting at the light weight of it. I resisted the urge to cry as I made my way down the stairs, scared out of my mind as to what was happening. I wanted to curl up and protect my baby from whatever was going on. I wanted him to be okay because if he wasn't okay, I wasn't going to be okay. Zach and I were so excited for him to enter our world and I couldn't imagine losing him now.

I sniffled a bit, my emotions at an all time low, as I reached the bottom of the stairs when Lisa knocked at the door. I waddled to it, my hand protectively cradling the baby. I opened the door and Lisa immediately took my stuff, helping me get into the car. Once we were on the way to the hospital, she grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly.

"It's going to be okay," she assured me, a wise woman of 53 years who had two kids of her own. "You need to stay calm for your baby okay?" I nodded, swallowing my tears and resisting the urge to have a complete meltdown.

We arrived at the hospital in a half an hour and a lot of my pain later, Lisa took me to the emergency room where I was immediately brought to the maternity ward and to the room Zach and I had picked out only a couple weeks ago. I was situated in my room, both the baby and I hooked up our own heart monitors. I didn't take my eyes off the baby's, needing to watch the green line go across the screen in a steady rhythm. The only time my eyes looked away was when I saw the movement in the doorway.

I tore my eyes from the monitor, looking into the wild eyes of my boyfriend who looked on the verge of a panic attack. Lily and Travis were behind him and I glowered at the couple a bit.

"I asked for Zach not all of you," I told them to which they all laughed nervously.

"Oh good, you're okay since you're bitching." Travis laughed, coming to my right side while Zach took over my left.

"Are you okay? How's the baby? What the hell is going on?" Zach asked, all of it coming out in a jumbled mess.

"I'm okay for now, the baby's okay, and I'm in labor Zach." I informed him, my hand found his cheeks, trying to calm him down. His brown eyes were filled to capacity with worry and fear as I looked into them, telling him it was going to be okay. He nodded and looked down at my other hand that was in his.

"I'm sorry. I promised I'd be there," he whispered, regret evident in his sweet voice.

"Zach, I'm just thankful you weren't across the country. You couldn't have planned for a premature birth, honey." I soothed, running my hand through his still wet hair. He sighed loudly and nodded.

"So when is the baby coming out?"

I giggled when he put his hands on my tummy before resting his ear against it, asking the baby the same question. "Hey bud, when ya coming out?" His face took on a thoughtful look as he pretended to listen to what the baby was saying. He moved against Zach's hands and I laughed as Zach looked up at me with a shocked appearance.

"He says we'll get to meet him today. In like, an hour," Zach shrugged, making up a random time.

"Mr. Parise you're right. You should have your baby boy in an hour." The doctor came in, his smile soft and reserved. He immediately put me at ease when I got to the hospital, telling me everything would be fine. He assessed the situation quickly and signed me up to have an emergency C-section. I couldn't believe I didn't pass out, but I was almost positive Zach would by the end of the day.

"Are they going to cut you open!?" Travis exclaimed to which Zach immediately paled. He dropped his head in his hands and rubbed roughly at his face before looking at me for the answer. I nodded and he groaned loudly.

"Saweeet. Can I watch?" Travis asked, pounding fists with me. Lily and Zach both gave him annoyed looks and said no very loudly. I giggled, probably finding Travis a welcoming distraction, or maybe it was from the drugs they had started me on when I arrived.

"Zach It's going to be okay. A lot of babies are born this way," I soothed him, rubbing my hands over his back. He just nodded as the nurse came to prep me for the surgery. Everyone had to leave the room, including Zach who had to get pushed by me. Once she was finished, only Zach entered the room again. He walked over to my side, seeming a lot calmer than before.

"Did they sedate you?" I asked him, smiling.

"Just a little." He answered, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"They do it a lot to new dads, honey," I told him, grabbing his hand as he squeezed mine.

"We're going to be parents." He looked down at me, a look that told me he was slightly petrified.

"You're going to be a great dad, Zach."

"As long as I have you," He murmured softly.

"Is that why you're nervous about the C-section?" I asked him.

"Yeah, what if you start bleeding a lot like when.. you know. I can't go through that again, Abbie. I can't. And what if they cut something important?" He wondered, voicing all his fears and laying himself out in the open. He looked so scared, his eyes and face revealing every emotion he was feeling at the moment.

"Abbie, I want to take another look at the baby before we head into the operating room," Doctor Marshall came into the room hastily, sitting down next to the ultrasound machine and quickly squirting the jell on my stomach, moving the tool over it. Zach and I held our breath and each others hand as his face turned down into a deep frown. He sighed and called for a nurse, instructing her to get me into the operating room stat.

"What's wrong?" I choked out, my throat so dry and swollen I could barely speak.

"The umbilical cord is starting to wrap around the baby's neck because he keeps thrashing around so violently. We need to get him out as soon as possible." He informed me. My eyes widened and my mouth dropped open as a soft whimper escaped from my mouth.

"Zach," I cried softly, pulling him to me and burying my face into his chest. "I can't do this. I can't lose him. He's mine. He needs to be okay."

"Baby, stay calm. He's alright. He's still able to breath, they just need to get him out fast." He tried to calm me, but it wasn't working. I was too upset for Zach to work his magic on me, or for me to even think rationally. My mind was so scattered and so worked up that I could barely function as they wheeled me from my room.

I barely had time to register that I was in the operating room before they were having Zach change into scrubs and were putting more drugs in me to numb my stomach so I wouldn't feel them slicing me open. Zach was by my side in a moment as the drugs made everything in my lower abdomen became numb until I couldn't even feel the baby moving. I prayed that he would stop, so the cord wouldn't wrap around him anymore than it already had.

Two nurses raised a screen over my stomach so I wouldn't have to see them cutting me open, which I was thankful for. Zach grabbed a chair and plopped down right next to my head, grabbing both of my hands and giving them a squeeze.

"It's going to be okay," he told me, wiping my sweaty bangs off my forehead and kissing me softly. I nodded as tears slipped from my eyes, sniffling as I held his hands tightly in mine.

"Alright Abbie, I'm about to start, you might feel a pulling sensation, but that's perfectly normal," Dr. Marshall told me as a nurse sat down on my left side to help Zach keep me calm.

Everything was relatively quiet after that as the doctor worked, cutting me open, layer by layer until he reached the baby. Silent tears continued to slip down my cheeks as Zach held my hands, his soft voice continuously whispering sweet things to me. I licked my lips as I felt a soft tug in my lower abdomen, just like the doctor said I might. I looked over at the nurse who was taking turns looking behind the screen and looking at me.

"Everything is going very well," she assured me with a smile.

"Alright, I'm about to make an incision that will bring us a couple seconds from the baby." Dr. Marshall announced as I sucked in a deep breath.

"I love you," Zach grinned down at me, his excitement tangible as he shook next to me, bubbling.

"I love you too," I cried still frazzled from what was going on.

All of a sudden, I felt a vast amount of pressure in my lower abdomen, making me want to squirm. It didn't hurt, but it was definitely uncomfortable. "They just pulled the baby out, and are suctioning his nose and mouth so that he can breath." The nurse informed me. Zach squeezed my hands excitedly when the distinct cry of the baby came out, the small wail enough to bring sad tears to my eyes.

"Congrats Zach and Abbie, you have a baby boy!"

"I don't want him to cry," I sobbed softly to Zach.

"He's crying because they're poking him and he doesn't like it," Zach told me watching as they cleaned the baby off. The nurse checked him out as Zach and I watched from across the room as he cried, gasping and taking in lung fulls of oxygen.

"I want him," I whimpered, reaching my hand out to him.

"Just a second honey."

"No, I've waited eight months, I don't want to wait anymore." I complained quietly to him as he kissed my forehead.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, the nurse with the red hair scooped up our newborn son and walked him over to Zach, placing him in his daddy's arms, equipped with a baby blue blanket and hat. Zach stared down in awe at out son, his eyes watering as he took in the baby boy who was already our world and had made such an impact on both of our lives. The boy continued to scream as his little hands balled into fists and he grasped around, working his muscles.

"It's okay, baby boy, daddy's here," Zach murmured softly to him, kissing the baby his forehead as he titled him down so I could see his face. The baby settled immediately once Zach opened his mouth, recognizing who was holding him.

"He's so beautiful," I mused, awestruck by the tiny thing in Zach's arms.

"He's also very healthy. He may have been a premey, but he was ready to come into the world," Dr. Marshall assured Zach and I as he shook one of Zach's hands and mine. "So you're going to be extremely sore and it's going to take you awhile to be able to move your legs. But you should be able to function fully again in about 13 to 14 hours." I nodded and thanked him for his time before I was wheeled back to my room as Zach and the baby followed.

Later that next morning, early, Zach and I sat up in bed, my eyes half mast as he helped me hold the baby in my arms from where he sat behind me, cradling me to his chest.

There were no words for how I felt about the little boy in my arms. No amount of emotions or synonyms to them could every explain what was going through my body. There were so many things that were racing through my mind, all these things that I was scared of, but excited for at the same time. His first word, his first fall, his first hockey game, and God forbid, his first love and heartbreak. I felt the overwhelming sense of motherly protection from the moment I held him. I knew, that he was my world now, and there was nothing that was too much for him. All of my priorities shifted until the only thing that mattered was him. It didn't matter that I had a shitty childhood, Zach and I weren't married, or that I gave up my whole life for him. No, because he was worth it all.

In that one moment, every single doubt I ever had about being a mother flew out the window. I had heard stories before about how everything is okay once you hold the baby, that you aren't scared anymore. It was so true. My thoughts were focused solely on the baby boy who was struggling to open his eyes, trying to pry his eyelids open to look out at the new world he just entered. Tears of joy ran down my face and I realized that everything would be okay. Because I had to be strong, I couldn't be afraid anymore. This little boy in my arms needed me to be his mom, to protect him from falling and getting hurt and the boogieman when he got older. He needed protection that only a mom and dad could provide, and I would do my damn hardest to make sure he would always be okay.

I took in his beautiful features, my fingers trailing over his impossibly soft skin. He was perfect, the definition of the word. From his skin to his ten fingers and ten toes, he was everything I had ever imagined my baby being. He was mine and Zach's, a permanent bind of the two of us and our love for each other. He was our future, the only thing that would ever matter from here on out was that he was safe and healthy because if those two things were true, then life was good.

I looked up at the proud daddy, catching him as he wiped a tear from his face, his smile permanently etched onto his face. He smiled at me, his dimples making perfect indents in his face as he leaned down, kissing our new baby on the head before grabbing my right hand. He held it up for me to see the ring I have received from him a couple weeks before. I pursed my lips and nodded, letting him slip the ring from my right finger to put it on the appropriate left one. I sniffed at the silver band slipped on perfectly, Zach placing a soft kiss on it before he set his gaze back on his newest fascination.

"What are we going to name him?" He wondered, stroking the little boy's cheek.

"Tanner James Parise," I suggested the name I had been brewing over since I first laid my blue eyes on him.

"I like that." Zach kissed my cheek as we looked down at our whole world, both of us knowing that this was the way life was supposed to be.