Show Me What I'm Looking For

Depression was sinking into me. On the weekends I didn’t even feel the need to get out of bed. I slept a lot though, so I was in bed most of the day. Nick hadn’t called me back from yesterday and I was getting a little apprehensive.

Today was Saturday and I was just laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I hadn’t even realized that Kevin had come in the room.

“Come on, get dressed we’re going out.” His voice was stern and authoritative. It was kind of scary, a bit. I followed orders and put on a pair of skinny jeans and put Nick’s hoodie on over my tank top.

It was still cold outside and I just wanted to stay in bed. Kevin helped me to my side of the car door and opened it for me. I could do it all by myself. It wasn’t like I was crippled.

When Kevin got in the car, I asked an obvious question. “Where are we going?”

He didn’t answer after me. His eyes stayed on the road. I didn’t know what his problem was.

The scenery outside seemed getting more and more familular. My eyes widened and I began to tremble.

“You can’t take me there.”

“Watch me,” then he paused. “She deserves to see you too.”

I couldn’t handle this. What if he was there? Praying, I put that thought to the back of my mind.

“Everything is going to be fine, okay.” I nodded my head reluctantly. I was hearing that way to much these days. Today was going to be hard, I could feel it.

“Would everybody stop saying that! It’s not going to be okay! I’m a fifteen and pregnant!” I yelled. Damn, these mood swings. I felt really bad after I said that. Kevin’s face went hard. “I’m sorry.”

Just then the car stopped. We were on my driveway sitting there in the car silently.

Kevin got out of the car first and slammed his door. I patiently and calmly waited for him to open my side, and he did. It was quiet when we both walked up the porch steps and onto the porch.

Slowly he took his fist and knocked on the door. It was soundless between the two of us. Had I really upset him that much?

After a few minutes, I could hear the patter of footsteps on the other side of the door. Unknowingly, I held in a breath. this time it didn’t shock me to see Benjamin with a saddened expression on his face. I wanted to make it all better though.

“Are you staying this time sissy?” I looked away from him and I think he got his answer. A stray tear passed my eyes. I could tell my mother was asking who was at the door. Her voice was pained too. I never realized how this could effect them, I am selfish.

“Carolina,” my mother breathed out. Her eyes were red and puffy; like the last time I had seen her. All the pain I had put her through, she didn’t deserve any of it. She also didn’t need to lose a child and she was doing just that.

Kevin patted my back for reassurance as we walked inside. Metaphorically there was still a rain cloud inside the house, it was scaring me.

I could see my mother trying to pull herself together. “Would you like me to get you two something to drink?” her voice was filled with fake cheer.

“No thank you Mrs. Noel.” I could hear her mumble ‘not for long’. That brought me to silent tears and a whole nother wave of depression. It was my fault that their marriage turned into something tragic. This pregnancy was turning into something horrible. I might as well get rid of it.

My mothers voice interrupted the thoughts inside my head. “Can’t you come back?” Mom didn’t try to hide her sorrow from Kevin this time.

“Its not as simple as you put it.” I said. The look in her eyes gave off a certain pity. I am her daughter, but I wouldn’t act like she was.

“My little sunshine; you always were.” I looked at her insanely. Was she okay? What was she talking about?

“I love you.” Her arms wrapped themselves around my waist. I looked at Kevin and he just shrugged his shoulders.

Her eyes were bloodshot from crying, but I could see something wrong with them. They were clouded. “Mom, are you high?” she then started laughing loudly. Who was this person? She was slurring her words as well. How could she do this? She has a four year old around her and she’s drinking alchol in the middle of the morning.

Just then I could hear the loud opening of a door. My whole body froze, as well as everyone else’s in the living room.

I just knew it. I had a feeling my luck was running out and that he was going to come here. The door slammed shut and I could hear his feet moving across the hardwood flooring.

“You’re here?!” it was all that my father had said. I couldn’t speak a single sound. I coundn’t even feel the need to breathe.

“Come on, Lucas I miss our little Carolina. Let her stay.” From the looks of it looked like mom was about to pass out. Dad on the other hand didn’t seem to care. He walked over to and slapped her square in the cheek. She backed away from him instantly.

Kevin inched closer to me slowly. “Don’t talk to me like that.” I looked into my dad’s eyes and regretted it.

“What are you looking at?” he shouted. I didn’t move. “Are you not going to talk?”

“I’m sorry all this happened, but I mean you can’t blame me. I’m taking this way more maturely than you are. I am the one that is fifteen and pregnant, not you” I could feel Kevin tugging on me trying to get me to stop, but I couldn’t and once I realized what I had said I closed my mouth instantly.

I waited for the slap to come to me but it didn’t. I dropped my hands from my face and then the slap came. It stung like a thousand bees. Tears were welling and spilling over my eyes.

“You have no right to hit my baby.” There was a red mark that was turning bluish on the side of my mother’s cheek. She got up from the floor and marched over to him. I quivered in fear. Kevin was trying to pull me away from the scene, but I wouldn’t budge.

If I had kept my eyes on kevin’s then I wouldn’t have seen what had happened. In a quick instant my mother was on the floor screaming in pain. My father was kicking her hardly over and over.

At this point I just wanted to leave the house, but Kevin had other plans.

He tapped my father’s shoulder and did something I never would have expected. He punched him square in the nose. Blood was dripping down and my father just smirked at him. “You made a wrong move, boy.”

My heart was in overdrive. I instantly pulled out my phone and dialed nine-one-one. They said they would be there in a matter of minutes and I waited.

By this time, Kevin was on the floor and getting his face tumbled in by my father. He wasn’t a father though; more like a monster.

Sobs were filling my chest and making loud noises into the air. The police were in the driveway racing into my house.

When they pulled him off of Kevin I gasped at the sight. He had a bruised eye and a busted lip. All of this was my fault. They had handcuffed my father and were now calling an ambulance for my mother.

“Benjamin?” I called out. From the middle of the stairs I could see him crying his eyes out. This was an unexplainable sight.

I ran outside to see the neighbors watching me, my house, and my family. The more tears that fell down my face the more I wished that my life was over. There wasn’t a need to live anymore.

A few minutes later Kevin came outside and wrapped his arms around my frail broken body. He stood there and let me sob on his chest. The neighbors were still outside and even one of them was talking to the police officer trying to get some information for gossip.

Once I had the strength to pull away from Kevin, I did. Slowly I walked to the side of his car and opened the passenger door and got inside.

It was silent in the car, but I think it was what we need for a while. To be lost into our own thoughts. It didn’t last because I felt the need to break it.

“I’m getting emancipated.”