Show Me What I'm Looking For

I didn’t even realize that my mother was in the bathroom looking at me with her eyes as wide as dollar coins which started to move down to the twisted fate I was now going to have to face. She gasped when she saw the answer and looked at me like I was some hooker from the corners and then quickly turned into a sorrow expression. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug and I just broke down move than I ever have in my whole existence.

Then suddenly I was rushed out the door; being in California it didn’t snow much or at all actually. My mother’s hands were trembling once we got on to the main road. Worry had finally sunk in as I stared at her now clenched hands so hard on the steering wheel her knuckles were turning white. I wasn’t an idiot to know where we were going. Of course she’d want an official answer. And so did I.

The waiting room was frightening white walls surrounded me and posters against abortion were on the wall. We were at a pediatrician’s office by now and waiting for them to call me into the certain room.

“Carolina Noel?” there was a lady looking at me with a distained look on her face. My life was now being judged in her eyes. My mother and I walked silently beside the nurse. She showed us to the door and told us that the Heather would be there soon. My mom stared down at the floor and looked up.

“Carolina? How did this happen? How could you be so irresponsible” just then the ‘Heather’ woman came in.

“Hi I’m Heather westly, I’m filling in for Kara this week.” Her smile seemed fake like she didn’t want to be there in the first place. “so let’s see your files.” She opened a cabnet slowly and pushed her finges past the folders that weren’t needed and pulled out mine.

“So everything seems to be in check, so…” her face seemed a mixture of confusion and blankness then came on remorse as she spoke again.

“I’ll be right back.” She closed the door but when my mother opened her mouth again the lady named Heather had came back in.

“Here.” She handed me a cup. I looked at her like she had five heads and then the cup. “we need a test.” Now I got it. I swiftly got up from the bed/cot thing and walked to the nearest bathroom.

When I closed the door tears escaped from my eyes. What would happen if I was? How would people take it? And most importantly how would Nick feel about being a father at the age of sixteen? So many questions were filling my head that I was kind of getting dizzy. A water bottle was sitting on the counter and I felt parched so I drank all of it in a matter of seconds. Then I had to go to the bathroom again.

When I was done I washed my hands and opened the door. My mother was right infront of me and a look of concern evident in her face. I walked past her, I know that’s harsh but I didn’t feel in the mood for talking. Heather was waiting for me inside the room. I handed her the cup and she said that I’ll have the information in a week or so and told me that my mother and I could go home.

In the waiting room there was a young woman who looked no older than nineteen with a two year old on her lap staring out the window. I had a feeling she was in the same predicament when she was my age and it made me feel so horrible that I couldn’t watch anymore.

The car ride was silent for the most part except the light music coming from the stereo. Other than that it was a silent afternoon. When we arrived home I quietly and slowly got out of the car holding my stomach and walking up the driveway. I made it spacifically that no one from school saw me like this. All broken and tearful.

When we both got inside I was on my way to my room upstairs until my mother called me to come over to her.

She was in the kitchen making something. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelled whatever she was cooking.

“What is it momma?” she smiled, it has been so long since I had called her that. It made me feel relaxed when she smiled at me.

“Sit down.” Her voice seemed at ease but I could tell that it was going ot crack at any moment which scared me.

“No, its ok.” She was shaking her head like she was trying to clear her head of a unwanted thought. Then she cleared her throat and opened her mouth to begin once again.

“Carolina, honey, you know I love you know matter what but how could you be so irresponsible? What even made you think to do that?” tears were forming from her eyes and some were already spilling from her face. I felt cold, dirty, and alone. Which weren’t really good feelings to feel in the first place. I was still frozen while she was waiting for my answer which I couldn’t answer due to the fact that I don’t really think that my mouth would even open. So I took a deep breath and finally found my voice.

“It was the day of my birthday, no one was home so I called Nick we didn’t think anything was going ot happen. We didn’t even think we’d do that but when we started we couldn’t stop. Mom, don’t be mad at us. We love each other. I know for a fact that if Nick was here he’d be agreeing with me all the way and adding more.”

“honey, I know how it is to be in your shoes. I mean I was like four years older than you but it was the same concept. And I know how it feels the first time. I was young once too, remember?”

“I love you mom.” The tears were dry against out faces and we were smiling widely at each other. Then mom put some food she was making before in front of me. It smelled delicious but I guess my stomach didn’t agree with me because I was already running to the toilet.

“I guess your stomach can’t handle filipino food right now.” She smiled sypathetically toward me. When I got up from the toilet the sink suddenly seemed to appeal to me. Finally when I’d found my toothbrush it instantly went into my mouth and did what it does best.

Above all today really wasn’t the day for me. At least no one knows but its not like they would because of the fact that school starts back up in a week or so. I’m not worried for the time being and whatever happens, happens.

“Honey, I’m going to get you something to drink. I want you to go into the living room and stay there. Okay.” I nodded in agreement and just walked out of the bathroom. The couch seemed to invite me in greatly so I got the blanket from the loveseat and layed down on the big couch for a little bit.

“Here you go honey.” She said sweetly and handed me a hot cup of tea. The warmth felt good on my hands.

“Everything is going to be okay.” She whispered to me then left. Its like she wasn’t talking to me but reassuring herself. I had to agree with her I quess. Because actually for the time being everything seemed to be okay. My mother excepted the fact that her fifteen year old daughter was pregnate really well so nothing seemed to be the problem.

Nothing was going to get in my way. Or at least I hope not.