Show Me What I'm Looking For

Looking in the mirror, a frown settled its way onto my face. I turned sideways and noticed the bump. My hand pressed up against it and a sad smile then made its way onto my lips.

“Come on baby, its all going to be okay. We can be a happy duo. All I know is that I love you.” I said quietly to my stomach. No one was around to look at my display and I was quite thankful for that.

The time on my phone said that it was seven twenty. I had about ten minutes until the bell would ring for first period. Slowly, I walked over to my locker and was about to open it.

“Carolina!” Annie said loudly. I jumped three feet in the air and caused most of all of my things to fall.

My eyes were widened as I just stared at her. Her eyes were questioning me thoroughly. The look in her eyes scared me a little bit.

“What happened to you yesterday at my house? You ran out so quickly that I didn’t even know what was going on. Are you okay?” Annie asked. She didn’t breathe in between her sentences, but I knew exactly what she was saying.

“I just couldn’t stay there.” I said shortly, trying to get the subject to change.

As soon as I opened my locker, a note fell to the floor. Annie picked it up for me and analyzed it. “I don’t know what it is, but it seems like you have a secret admirer.”

I rolled my eyes and took the folded piece of paper out of her hands. Hesitantly, I opened the little note. It was a poem.

Wings sleek like the night
Fly free little mother bird
Your child needs your guidance
But you can not hear

The poem confused me and obviously someone knows that I’m pregnant or either they would not have written the poem about me. I was becoming a little scared.

“Woah, that sounds like a really awesome poem. Somebody must have wanted you to read it.” Annie said. In my mind, I looked at her like she was crazy. She was missing the point or the whole thing. I didn’t try to tell her what it was actually saying.

“Yeah, it really is. I wonder who wrote it. I’m going to try to find out today.” I said, thinking something else to myself.

The halls seemed more silent than ever. Annie and I didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity. We were both getting lost into our own individual thoughts. Suddenly, the warning bell for class rang. We both looked at each other, smiled, and waved goodbye.

Everyone in Mr Wilde’s class was looking at me. I was becoming paranoid and quickly walked to my seat. The glances didn’t stop for a while.

My thoughts wandered to the poem. It was beautiful and short and just thinking about someone knowing my secret made me want to cry on the inside. It could be any person in the whole entire school.

All I could hear was the sound of the Pythagorean theorem. Slowly, my eyes closed and I was enveloped into a slumber.

[&&&]

Lunch was something hectic. People were pushing and shoving for the cheap Italian ice. My stomach was turning and I could feel the acid swishing inside of me.

The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want to be at school; I had a little more than three years left.

A few minutes later, I decided that I didn’t want to eat. Then an idea hit me. I ran at a fast pace to the certain classroom.

Putting a smile on my face, I opened the door. There was no teacher in the room, but there were people. The first person to look up at me was Thomas. He was just the person I needed to see.

“Carolina!” Thomas said getting out from his chair quickly. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have lunch this period?”

Of course Thomas knew when I had my lunch hour. “I actually came here to see and talk to you about something. Do you think that would be okay?”

His eyes brightened and were filled with a certain sense of hope. He most likely thought that I was going to possibly reconsider him asking me to be his girlfriend. Boy, was he far from the truth.

“That would be perfect. What do you need to ask me?” all the people in the room were looking at us. I grabbed Thomas’s arm lightly and tugged him into the closest corner. He was smiling brightly at me.

I hesitated, not knowing exactly how to say what I needed to say. “Did you write me an unfinished poem and then put it in my locker this morning?”

Thomas looked at my suspiciously for a second and then furrowed his eyebrows.

“I don’t recall ever doing that this morning. I was with some friends earlier today. What did it say? I mean I did lose one of my poems, but I don’t know if the one you have is mine.

“What was the first sentence of your poem?” I said, sounding interested in what he was talking about. All I wanted to know was if he had written the poem I had received.

Thomas shrugged his shoulders, I groaned. If it was a good enough poem then her would have at least remembered the first stanza. I didn’t really bother anymore. They did not know the information I needed. I needed to know who the admirer was.

A couple more seconds later, I told Thomas I was leaving after he protested me to stay. I needed to find out some more things. I still had about thirty minutes of lunch to figure things out.

Almost everywhere in the building was making noise; whether it be from the classroom or the lunchroom. Without thinking, I walked over to my locker and spun the three numbers. When it opened, another little piece of paper fell out. I picked it up slowly and began reading it.

Shrill shrieks fill the air like wind
Cry little mother bird
Let it all out
The pain fills your chest tightly

My chest did begin hurting, but not in the reason that the person said it would. I was becoming frustrated at myself for not knowing what to do now. This poem was really starting to piss me off, but it was so beautiful. I don’t know what to do with the growing child inside of me.

Then, just suddenly, another idea came into my mind. I smiled at my brilliant plan. My feet quickened as I ran to the other where I needed to be.

[&&&]

Immediately and without hesitation, I hastily opened the door. Their eyes all fell on me. People were everywhere around the room.; whether it be on computers or in a desk.

“Do you need something?’ a guy with dark brown hair had asked me.

“I do actually. I was wondering, since this is poetry club, if any one of you wrote a poem and put it in my locker this morning.” I said uncomfortably as everyone looked at me.

The guy looked at me for a second then thought about something. “I wouldn’t know who wrote the poem. We usually put our names at the bottom of things. Is there anyone in particular that you know in the poetry club? What is the poem about?”

“Well, its about this bird and I guess I represent the bird. Its saying that I need some guidance, but I cant hear and I'm shrieking in pain or something.” I knew exactly what the poem said, but I wasn’t going to tell the guy that. I didn’t need more people to know my secret.

“That sounds like a pretty interesting poem, I don’t know who wrote it though. If you need more help later, my name is Dylan.” Nodding my head, I smiled and left the poetry club.

Grunting, I started to give up. I didn’t know who wrote it and quite frankly I didn’t care at the moment. It was getting tiring trying to find out who wrote it.

I had about ten minutes left of lunch and I decided that I want to get some things off my chest. I wasn’t that far from the guidance department. Kevin could maybe help me out. I really hope he could.

As I walked up to Kevin’s door, I hesitated. Did I really want to talk to Kevin or did I just want to talk to Nick? I think it was a little of both. Slowly and steadily, I knocked on the door. I could hear Kevin’s voice telling me to come in.

Once I opened the door, Kevin smiled. “Oh, hey Carolina! How are you today?”

A loud sigh passed through my lips. I was getting tired of today in general. I wanted school to be over. I didn’t want to be here for more.

“I really am starting to hate my life; like it really sucks. I randomly got this poem from a secret admirer and they didn’t even bother to put their name and I know that’s how its supposed to go, but it pisses me off!” tears were forming in my eyes. I was so angry that I was beginning to cry.

“Woah, woah, woah, calm down. Its going to be okay.” Kevin said, handing me a box of tissues.

Kevin looked at me for a second, opened his mouth, then closed it. He didn’t know what to say to me. I didn’t know what would make me better at this point. I wanted to give up on life period.

Tears were still rolling down my face as I started to talk. “Someone knows I’m pregnant, I just don’t know who. I’m getting really worried about it too. What if there were the kind of person to tell the whole school? Why can’t life just be simple for some of us? Did I ever do anything wrong?”

There was a slight pause and then Kevin sighed. “Of course you did nothing wrong Carolina. God just planned a different life for you than for others.”

I was beginning to become mad. “God really wanted me to have a life like this? No teenager would want a life like this Kevin! In about five months I’m going to be having a baby. A human life form is growing inside of me! Kevin, God can really kiss my butt right now!”

A certain rage filled in Kevin’s eyes. I was becoming scared of what was going to happen now. Just as he was about to open his mouth, I stood up and left the room. I knew it was rude, but I wasn’t in the mood to get yelled at.

Looking down at the floor, I noticed another piece of paper. I picked it up and read the last bit of the poem

You and me
I am there for you
Like the wind I do flow
Call for me mother bird
I will guide you

At the bottom of the poem there was a signature. The two initials were C and D. suddenly, I knew who had wrote the poem and it wasn’t a good thing. Immediately, I laid against the door and broke into more tears. My life was finally hitting a personal rock bottom.