Show Me What I'm Looking For

It was the next day and Darcy decided to show her face in the school. People became instantly silent when they saw her. I wanted to partially laugh, but I didn’t feel like it. Annie was beside me just staring at my face thoroughly for my next move. I just stood there looking at Darcy.

When the bell rang for first period and I was in my seat, Darcy strolled into the room. She held her head high as I tried to see the damage that had been done days ago.

There were two bruises that showed a purple yellow tone to her skin. I smiled at my victory and success. People were still looking, winking, and silently congratulating me. The only one who held a glare was Darcy.

“Carolina,” April whispered. It had felt like forever since I’ve spoken to her. In my head, I really considered if we were friends. It seemed like we partially were, but on the other hand she had totally ditched me and stayed with the enemy.

Mr. Wilde had his back turned towards the class and was writing down some unknown equation. I opened my mouth, but then closed it a little when Darcy glared at me. The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t really care about Darcy in general. She was now irrelevant to my life.

“Yeah?” I whispered back, not really knowing what to say.

Vanessa looked at April with her perfectly manicured eyebrows raised. Were either of them not going to speak to me? maybe they weren't allowed to? Darcy did have a way of phrasing things to get what she wanted.

“How are you doing?” April asked in a whispered tone as her eyes traveled down to my stomach. I didn’t really want to say anything about me since I had last talked to them. My life was something more complicated then she could ever imagine. I couldn’t even believe I was going through all of this at times.

Just as I was about to open my mouth and reply back to her, Mr. Wilde opened his mouth. “I’m glad that you are just so interested in geometry Carolina. It really does warm my heart. Do you want to tell me the answer to number seven for last nights homework?”

Of course there was something that I was forgetting to do last night. I thought to myself. I opened my mouth but hesitated. “Um, honestly I don’t know the answer.”

Mr. Wilde nodded his head at me and his eyes were filled with disappointment. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t do the work. I wondered what my grades were at this point. They probably weren't the straight As and Bs that I was used to having.

When the bell rang, Mr. Wilde asked me to stay after class. “Carolina, what has gotten into you? I know about your situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to be slacking off.”

“I’m not slacking off, I’m just trying to figure some things out that are more important to me right now. I have problems that kids don’t even face years older than me. I don’t know what to do with myself half of the time.” I said out of full truth.

There was slight silence between the two of us. I didn’t know what Mr. Wilde would say next. That was a surprise to me. he always knew what to say.

“Well, do you want you child to do the best things with their life?” Mr. Wilde asked me with a straight blank face.

“Do you really think I know right now? I don’t even know how to resolve a problem with me, let alone my unborn child. I’m miserable more then half of the time. Just think about my child,” I stared to hyperventilate. “I don’t want him or her to grow up like I am right now. I’m a train wreck.”

My breaths were becoming quickly uneven and my hands were moving quickly. It felt like my whole body was shaking way too much. Was this what a mental breakdown really felt like?

“Why don’t you just go to class and relax about everything. You can take your mind off of this for right now.” Mr. Wilde said in a soothing voice. It was calming my shaking, but not by much.

Slowly, I let out a well needed breath and stared walking to class.

[&&&]

A smile made its way onto my face when I entered dance class. Mrs. Clarissa was staring intently at her mirror, which was not really a good sign.

Before I could make it to the changing room, I heard Mrs. Clarissa call my name out. I lifted my head up and she motioned me to walk over to her.

“Do you think we could talk about something in private?” I nodded my head, not really sure of what she was getting at, but I didn’t really want to protest against my favorite teacher and class. “Class, I want you to start stretching.”

When we were both in the empty hall, I gave Mrs. Clarissa a confused look. She just sighed and looked at me with very somber eyes.

“I’m sorry Carolina. It pains me to say this because you are the best dancer we have, but you can’t be in dance anymore.” She said. My eyebrows furrowed deeper in confusion.

“What you do mean I can’t dance anymore?” I asked her in a small voice.

Mrs. Clarissa sighed as if I were just a young child. I felt like a little child that didn’t understand what the adult was talking about.

“I’m doing this because I have too. You could do something to hurt your growing child. I don’t want you to strain anything or do any damage. When I was pregnant with my first child I didn’t dance at all; I couldn’t. I’m just looking out for you Carolina.” This was a blow.

A sigh escaped past my lips and tears were brimming my eyes. I understood what she meant, but I didn’t want to believe it.

“Does that mean I have to change my schedule and not take dance?” Mrs. Clarissa nodded her head slowly. Another sigh flew out of my mouth. “Can I at least watch you all dance one last time?”

Mrs. Clarissa looked at me with sad eyes, but nodded her head slowly. When we both entered the room again, all the girls were looking at us. Tears were rolling down my face as I realized that I wouldn’t be dancing for a while. “Come on girls, get ready. One, two three…”

The music played and silent tears rolled down my face. After about an hour, I was relieved that the class was over, but saddened because I would never enter this room again.

[&&&]

Hesitating, I knocked on the Kevin’s door. There was no reply for a second and I looked around to see that the guidance office staff had been gazing at me.

“He’s not here right now. He’ll be back in a minutes sweetie.” A woman with white hair said to me gingerly. I nodded my head slowly and sat down in the chair beside Kevin’s office.

Minutes later, a cough brought me out of my thoughts. Kevin walked into his office without saying a word to me; I followed him. “What are you doing here Carolina? I’m swamped with work that needs to be done by the end of the week.”

“You’re a liar, you don’t have that much work at all. I also have to talk to you about some school issues.” Slowly, I closed the door behind me.

Immediately, Kevin sat down and looked at his computer screen. He began typing something without even looking at me. He knew I was in the room, but I knew he was trying to ignore me as well.

“Really? You’re being this immature? I need to talk to you right now.” I said as my patience was running on a thin line.

“What if I don’t want to talk to you right now? What if I’m still mad at you? What if I don’t like the fact that you are keeping this big secret from my brother?” Kevin said glaring at me.

My hands were clenched tightly on each side of the chair. I couldn’t believe that Kevin was saying all of these things.

“I’m the one apologizing here when I shouldn’t even be doing that. You were the one yelling mean things at me. So, I’m being the bigger person right now. Sorry that I don’t have enough balls to tell him that I’m pregnant!” my voice was booming at the last sentence. I could visualize some of the staff’s faces.

Something immediately changed in Kevin’s facial features. His eyes softened and he licked his lips. “I’m sorry Carolina. I guess something just sparked inside of me for a while. Can you forgive me?”

Did I want to forgive him for the moment? Or did I want him to suffer for a little bit? Sighing, I did the right thing and nodded my head. Kevin smiled a small smile in my direction.

“So what did you need to see me for exactly? I got a short email from your dance teacher saying that you needed to talk to me about something. So, I was going to call you out of class, but you saved me the trouble.” Kevin said with a bigger smile on his face.

What he had said brought me back to reality. It was painful thinking of not being able to dance, even the thought of my not dancing made me depressed.

“Yeah, I have to change my schedule.” He looked at my with very curious eyes. “I can’t dance when I’m pregnant. It ‘can strain and cause damage to the baby.’”

“Well, what do you want instead of dance?” Kevin asked, looking at his computer and typing some things in.

I did really care at this point, so I just said whatever. “Put me into something that’s involved with the arts and I will be happy.”

Kevin typed a few things on the school’s laptop and suddenly my new schedule was being printed out. With a sigh, I opened my eyes up and looked at the new class. My eyes were rolling to the back of my head and a smile was on my face.