Show Me What I'm Looking For

It’s been one week since I’d found out.

Seven days since I’ve spoken to nick. The conversation was brief but made such a difference to me.

Our song blasted through my phone loudly. It was just me and mother in the living room talking. We at each other then at the shiny phone. She guestuered me to answer it so I did.

“Hello.” I was surprised how my voice seemed calm and colleted. He didn’t seem to notice a difference.

“Hey Care, how are you?” I didn’t know if either of could handle the truth so I just kept my mouth shut of the problem at hand.

“Fine I guess a on the queezy side though.” Which wasn’t a total lie.

“How’s touring in Europe?” I asked.

“It’s amazing but I wish you were here. The sights are beautiful. You would love it I know you would baby.” When he said that word a breath hitched in my throat and a little yelp passed my lips.

“Care are you okay?” He questioned with concern. I signaled my mother to save me. She stepped into the other room which was making me confused but then I quickly got the point.

“Carolina can you help me with something?” She said it loud enough for Nick to hear through the phone.

“I got to go Nick. I’ll talk to you later.” My words were rushed but it didn’t amtter to me.

“Okay. I love you.” There was a pause. He was waiting but I just couldn’t so, I just shut the phone without hesitation.

Yeah so here I am sitting on the countertop enjoying this fine can of peanut butter in a vacant house, I feel lonely. It’s five in the morning though. I didn’t expect anyone to be awake.

Just then I heard little footsteps coming toward me. It made me jump but I realized that it was only Benny of also known as Benjamin my little brother coming into the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes cutely and looked around and smiled when he spotted my presence.

Today was Saturday meaning it was only six more days until school started back up again.

“Sissy. Pick me up please.” How could I resist that face with his chubby cheeks and deep chocolate brown eyes exactly like mine.

I put down the can and picked him up. A cute giggle escaped past his lips and he smiled. His hand I noticed seemed to be inching toward my can of peanut butter. I slapped his hand away, leaned to the left, and grabbed him a babby spoon.

I wonder if I’ll be a good mother. If the baby will love me. All questions I didn’t have an answer to.

Another good solid hour later Benny had fallen asleep in my arms while I was eating the peanut butter which was really hard considering that I could not reaach it without dropping him on the hard tile floor. In the end though it all seemed to work out.

The other light had turned on automatically which scared me to death. Mom walked in and looked at me wierdly but didn’t ask. I carefully put Benny on the couch and came back into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee when my mother slapped my hand and told me to get cleaned up and changed for today. I followed her commands silently and went up the stairs.

When I got into the bathroom I felt scared for mo important reason at all. I slipped off my pajamas and looked into the mirror. My body looked the same. Just to make sure it wasn’t going to blow up like a ballon then and there. My hand glided up and down the exterior contours of my stomach. I jumped into the shower and stayed in there for a good fifteen or more minutes.

When I got inside my roominside my room I went straight to my closet and looked for something baggy to wear. I picked one of Nick’s old shirts and my faded blue skinny jeans.

By the time I was done with everything and down the stairs my dad was in the kitchen reading the newspaper and sipping his coffee.

“hey daddy.” I was surprised my voice seemed more cheerful than what I felt like right now.

“Hello pumpkin.” He looked at his watch and silently talked to himself. She smiled at me and kissed my forehead and was out the door.

Benny came running in naked waving his hands in the air. Mom was hot on his trail with water all over her shirt, but I don’t think she cared just that we were happy.

When Benny was finally dried off and clothes were put on him he was watching the television. Mom walked over to me and smiled but she was actually going up the stairs to change her shirt I suppose.

Minutes later she came down with a new shirt on. She grabbed her purse and went to get Benjamin from transformers the television show. “Come on.” I could here from a room away. When she came back into the kitchen I asked her where we were going but she didn’t answer me.

In the car it was my mom in the front and benjamin and I in the back. My eyes started to drift drop slowlt and sleep engulfed me.

[&&&]

I could feel a pushing at the side of my ribs. My eyes flung open and I backed away from benjamin which was obviously hard considering that I still had my seatbelt on. Looking around I noticed an unfamiliar place. Benny was watching me and and mom was driving into a quaint little area.

There were kids playing outside. I took out my phone that was in my butt pocket to see what time it was only to be greeted by a voice message from Nick which was no surprise. The time shocked me though; it was eight thirty and we’d left at six fourty-five for wherever it was that we were going.

Then the car stopped in front of a beautiful house. It stood out from the others but in a good way. Mom unbuckled her seatbelt and was doing the same for Benjamin. I did also.

When we were at the door my mother had benjamin on her hip and asked me to ring the doorbell, so I did.

A lady no older than fourty-five answered the door. She looked at mom and her smile brightened more than I thought possible.

“Melissa?” She greeted mom hapily and invited us in. “This must be Carolina and Benjamin then.” She came up to me and hugged me with a lot of force that just might have crushed my bones. My mother coughed and she instantly released me and went over to hug benjamin the same way she hugged me but with a little less force.

“Do you know who I am?” The lady asked me individually.

“Umm…a fourty-five year old friend of my moms’?” she started laughing so hard that she had to hold my mother’s shoulder for support. When she stopped she grabbed my wrist and led me to a cool looking dining room with only a big sleek wooden brown table.

“No I’m Alice Noel.” My eyebrows knotted in confusion. She didn’t seem familiar when I was thinking of my family tree. Though she did look like someone I knew I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Honey, this is your grandma.” She didn’t look like anything like my grandma. Benny was tugging on ny shirt so much that I’d thought that it would rip at any second, so I just picked him up and put him on my knee.

“I come from your fathers side. I’m his mother.” She explained to me. When I asked dad about his mom she said that she died giving birth to him. Well I quess that’s a lie.

“If you’re my grandma then why would my dad not bring you up everytime I asked about you?” I asked her.

“Well as you’ve noticed he doesn’t like bringing me up and that reason is because he like getting things his way and if he didn’t then chaos would erupt.” She took a pause for air and continued.

“you see when your father was not a lot older than you he was starting to get in trouble, not pay attention, and get slips sent home. Not to mention the countless teacher conferences I’d spent my time on. But his grades would sill remain A/B’s and nothing lower than that.” Wow my dad was a rebel. I can’t imagine that, huh, whatever.

“Well whenever he went to collage his rebellious ways didn’t stop fully. He still did bad things and dated as many girls as possible.” I stayed silent. She looked at me to see if I was paying attention but I was staring at mom.

“Mom?” I asked her which got her attention. “What did you think of dad honestly when you were in collage?”

A smile formed on her face like she was remembering a distant memory.

“It was the first day of collage and I was scared. All my friends were going to all diifferent directions. From Yale to UCLA. So I knew no one there. My mom told me that it’s good to have a fresh start and meet new people but it was really scary I had to admit. So much of a change from what I’d grown up to. Everything was so much bigger and you felt like an ant on a skyscraper. You see when I was in collage I was the pretty and smart girl in the glassed that would always have a pen in hand and doodled on paper.” She looked at me and smiled.

“I only had one class with him but it made such an impact on my life. English Literature/Creative Writing was the class. His poetry was amazing; Deep, sensitive, emotional, and joyful but more along the lines of campassion. He used to say to other people that he got a nerd to write it for him but you can’t fake that kind of emotion and intensity. It was like he was a different type of soul. Yes he was a player but it didn’t matter to me. I still liked him. Days went on and he never noticed me. Even a year. One day he seemed to look at me just in quick glances but it made me believe that there could be hope. Then we were assigned a project together. It ended up beautiful. I think I still have the paper. That’s when I realized my crush hand turned into a love. At that time I was nineteen, young, and without a boyfriend. Guys would look at me, wink, and all that stuff though they wouldn’t ask me out. I’d stay in his dorm for the project and he’d just drift off into a daydream of whatever while he was staring at me. And for a minute at that time I actually thought he liked me. Then there was a party hosted by one of his friends. I was invited which didn’t shock me because I was friends with your father.” She stopped for a second for all of this to sink into my brain but actually I realized that mom and grandma were having a mental conversation. Grandma shrugged her shoulders. Mom looked back at me and noticed I was watching her and continued.

“I don’t know If I should tell you this but I trust you.” I nodded my head telling her that she could trust me so she started up again.

“The party was beyond belief. Totally amazing. After three hours of drinking I was…not myself. A guy came up to me, I don’t remember what he looked like, so I can’t tell you who the father is. Sad right? When when I woke up that next day to find myself naked and alone in a bed. A few weeks later I found out that I was indeed pregnant. People would make fun of me but your father would hit anyone who would dare do that and somewhere in between we fell in love. Sometimes back then I would tell your father that you looked like him in a way and he’d just smile and blush. Today I still think you’re the cutest ever, well you and benjamin.” She smiled at the end of her tale and grandma opened her mouth and spoke.

“I remember that day. He had called me all frantic saying how he was going to be a father but he couldn’t tell you because he didn’t want to lose you and you end up hating him. I have a question for you though. Why’d you decide to see me right now?” grandma said staring at my mother.

My mother and I exchanged glances at each other and I sighed.

“I kind of have a problem.” The corners of my mouth turned up into an awkward smile.

“Like what kind of problem?” she asked.

“Alice, do you remember when I was pregnant with Carolina and you told me about your sixteen year old time.” My mother explained. Her eyes popped out of there sockets. She looked me up and down and back up to my face. Her whole face faltered to a soft sypathetic line.

“Don’t tell me…” She stopped in the middle of her sentence but I didn’t think that she’d get around to finishing it, so I just simply nodded my head. Shame was now resting on my shoulder. It fely horrible to be in this position,

My phone rang with Nick and I’s song blaring. I rolled my eyes at the irony of the situation.

“Baby daddy?” Grandma asked. My mother and I both nodded our heads not bothering with the phone.

“I wouldn’t talk to your grandfather when I was laboring lucas.” I figured that it was possible to avoid Nick’s calls but then I re-thought it through and I would somehow answer maybe just out of irritation.

“Can you tell your story grandma?” I asked while shifting Benny into a different position.

“well, I’ll summarize it. I was three years younger than your mother and a few months older than you. Your grandfather and I were very much in love amd to show our dedication, appeciation, and love for each other we had Lucas. Well Timothy, your grandfarther had been drafted to the war and he had no idea that I was pregnant so I had to stick it out alone. I never told anyone this before but the day Lucas was born
Timothy had died. A life for a life I guess. That’s how it was.” When she finished I had the curiosity to know what time it was so I opened my phone. It was twelve twenty. My stomach growled causing benjamin to wake up and my mother and grandma to laugh.

“Lunch time!” I said laughing at myself.

Grandma walked inside the kitchen to fix some food for all of us. It was the only thing that had kept down in my stomach.

After talking some more and playing with Benny it seemd that we all had to go. I hugged grandma as tight as she had before and kissed her cheek which she did the same for all of us.

On our way home all I could think about was grandma’s story. It was so tragic but she still lived through it so I knew everything was going to be okay, because if grandma had to live through all of that then I could face this with flying colors.

[&&&]

The car ride was long. I would constantly drift in and out of consciousness. When we’d finally got home the television was still on but the sound was off.

“Honey, can you check the mail for me?” mom asked as I was told and was outside. When I was at the mailbox there was Angela walking in a tank top and short shorts with her ipod in her hand. I was surprised that she wasn’t cold. She didn’t seem to notice me which was a good thing.

It was warm inside the house. The mail looked normal but one letter stood out. It was from the pediatrician place. My fingers shook. I was nervous about the answer in this single letter.

Dear Ms. Noel:

We have the need to inform you that the test you have taken has turned out to be positive.

I couldn’t read it anymore. It had pained me but no tears escaped my eyes.

“Mom.” My voice cracked through. She came into the hallway and knitted her eyebrows in confusion.

She grabbed the paper from out of my hands and read it slowly. Her eyes closed for a second and she nodded her head. When her eyes opened she spoke.

“We’ll get though this together one step at a time.” She stated as a matter of fact.

[&&&]

After a while of eating two tons of food and only keeping down one-sixth of a ton of it I was sitting in my room looking at a picture of me and Nick four years ago. Life was so simple back then. No worries, but as time has passed I’ve grown up and I’m going to be a mother in nine months.

I heard the front door open and my father call to my mother that he was home.

When I went down stairs I saw my father looking for something and mom was cooking dinner. I decided on helping her.

From the halls I could hear dad gasp. I took that as him finding the thing he was looking for. When he came into the kitchen his face was hard for a second then he was back to his regular self.

At dinner it was more quiet than usual. All you could hear was the silverware being scrapped or tapped across the plates. I could feel someone staring at me. It was my dad.

“Carolina.” I put my head up from my plate to acknowledge him.

“Do you have anything interesting to share with us?” his voice was getting more malicious and piercing as the words flew through his mouth.

“No…” my voice was drifting off.

His hand forcefully hit the table with a loud bang. It scared me. I’d never seen him like this.

“Oh well guess what I learned today?” The intensity flowed out of him body to all of us. I stared at him blankly and he continued. ”I learned today that my fifteen year old daughter is pregnant.” My body went numb. He knew. That must have been what he’d found while he was looking for something else. No words were coming out of my mouth. He could tell so he began talking again

“I want you out of this house you ungrateful little slut!” He yelled so loud that I jumped in my own chair. Mom gasped in shock. I knew what she was thinking. What?!?!

“Lucas…” mom whispered aloud.

“My decision is final!” tears exploded from my eyes. I ran up the stairs and into my room while my mother was calling my name all the way up.

“Sissy?” Benjamin was looking at my tearstained face. I felt hopeless, alone, and scared. I was putting clothes into my suitcase while Benjamin was staring at me.

“What?!” I asked feeling irritated. He jumped slightly.

“I love you.” His lip was trembling ever so much. I didn’t mean to scare him.

“What’s an ungrateful little whore?” I was shocked that he could actually say that more than the fact that he was saying it.

More tears escaped over my eyelids. I couldn’t control them.

“Nothing, just nothing.” I said silently while shaking my head. When I was finished he came closer to me and I embraced him into the biggest hug that would last me at least for a little while. Then I kissed his forehead and was making my way down the stairs.

I could hear the yelling from halfway down them.

“Lucas this is insane what your doing!” mom yelled

“Melissa I don’t want to talk about this!” dad reciprocated back.

I could tell they were getting the end of their fight.

“Well I’m not going to stand for this!” she yelled so loudly that I thought the roof was going to blow off.

“I’m going out!” he said just as loud and stomped forcefully out the door. Luckily he didn’t see me. I didn’t want to cause more problems.

When I saw my mother in between two counters bawling her eyes out I couldn’t take it.

The door seemed like the only place to that made me relax so I went for it. I silently shut the door and was out.

The wind was picking up and whipping my hair in every direction. Dad’s car was nowhere in sight. My journey was now going to begin. I will have a new life soon.

Suddenly my feet were taking me somewhere. The path seemed familiar. I took out my phone to have some light around me. The time was eight fifty-five. The wind was getting stronger by the minute but I didn’t have far to go.

Then rain was starting to pour and I took that as a time I could finally cry.

Twewnty-five minutes of walking and sometimes running I’d finally reached my destination.

The outside of the house brought back so many past memories, but i couldn’t feel the need to smile.

I knocked lightly on the wooden door. Footsteps were coming I could hear them.

When he opened the door he had so many expressions on his face. He was about to speak but the look I gave him made him think not to.

“S-s-s-save m-m-e-e-e.” I stuttered out so badly.

He let me into his house without a word.

After a good five minutes of silence he spoke up in a hushed whispered tone.

“What happened?” he questioned

“It all started the day of my fifteenth birthday…”