Show Me What I'm Looking For

A sigh escaped past my lips as I stretched out my limbs. It felt like I hadn’t slept in days, when on the contrary I had slept for thirteen hours.

It was a Saturday morning, six fifty to be precise. Sun was leaking through the windows and into my room. Slowly, I rubbed my face with my hands. My eyes felt like they were dried out from the crying I had done last night.

“Today is going to be one exciting day.” I whispered to myself in a pessimistic tone.

Standing up, I walked myself over to the bathroom mirror and stared at the the girl in the mirror. She didn’t look like me and I don’t partially feel like her. There were dried on tear stains on my face. When I tried to smile, it hurt. I was in for hell today.

The shower was calling my name softly and repeatedly. Smiling weakly, my feet moved me closer to the shower.

Once the warm water touched my freezing skin, I shivered. This was a huge relief. I felt as if I hadn’t had this feeling in a while and it actually felt nice. My mind could finally relax, for the moment that is.

I wondered some things in the shower. Did Annie have some good points? She has some very logical things. What was I afraid of? There was a little voice inside my head repeating what Annie had said. ‘I also don’t want you to get hurt or left alone.’

The only thing that I am afraid of is Nick just disappearing from my life. We love each other, so much that it would be painful if we split. Nick isn’t like that though; he loves me.

Turning off the shower, I sighed and stepped out. My mind was whacking itself over and over with questions. Maybe I should just tell Nick now? The only problem that would could happen is Nick possibly loosing everything just to be with me and our growing child. Did that seem selfish on both of our parts? I had a feeling it did.

Music brought me out of my thoughts. Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. My eyes widened and I ran over to my phone. “Hello?”

“Care, hey.” Nick’s voice seemed partially distant, like I was on speaker phone.

“Nick? Where are you? Do you have me on speaker phone?” I asked in a curiously.

There was a slight static noise on the other side of the phone. The only thing that I heard was ‘gotta go, love you.’ and then the phone went to the dial tone.

My eyebrows knitted together in confusion. What had just happened? I waited for a my cell to ring, but it didn’t. sighing, I walked over to my closet and looked for an outfit.

Another type of song from my phone blasted; it was a text; Annie. Hey, I know its about seven thirty, but I was thinking that we could talk.

Texting her back, I put on some jeans and one of Nick’s really baggy shirts. It was only a smidgen tight on me.

When I got down the stairs, I was surprised to see that Kevin wasn’t up and drinking his usual cup of coffee. I pulled out my phone, texted Kevin about my leaving, and started walking towards my old house.

Annie met me halfway, which I was really thankful for. I didn’t want to break out crying two times today. Once was usually more than enough.

We were slowly walking in the familiar direction. I froze and looked at Annie. My eyes were averting over to her and then to the road. She looked at me with knowing eyes and kept on walking.

“I’m giving you one last memory of this. You wont be able to live in it again.” Annie opened the door and I slowly entered the house of my past life. It felt more like a horror movie about to go emotionally wrong.

Tears sprung from my eyes quickly. Annie grabbed my hand, pulling me up the stairs. “Which one is your brother’s room?”

It left like she didn’t even care that I was crying my eyes out. I pointed to the room on the left and waited for her to open the door. My eyes didn’t want to see.

The two of us walked into the room. Annie told me that it was alright and that I could open my eyes.

Benjamin’s room almost exactly the same as it had been before. The items in the room were the only difference. A few glow in the dark stars were still on the ceiling. His halls were also still pained the soft blue color we had left it. It felt like I could hear his voice asking me to play with him.

“I couldn’t get down all of the stars, I didn’t want all of them gone anyways.” She said looking directly at me as I looked at the ceiling.

“We put them up to protect him from the monsters. He really believed that they were real, even though we told him otherwise. He would usually sleep in my room with me. once we got the stars for him, he started sleeping in his own room because he felt like the stars were protecting and keeping the monsters away.” I said in a monotone voice, still looking at the stars.

Annie nodded her head as she watched more tears fall down my face. She took my hand and led me to another door; my room.

Before she even opened the door, I was shaking tremendously. There were so many memories were in that one single room that I didn’t know if I could handle it. Then the door went fully ajar. “Come on Carolina, you can do this.”

A large painful sigh escaped past my lips and I slowly opened my eyes. More and more things were the same than in Benjamin’s room. The only thing that was different were the pictures surrounding the walls. They were the same color purple as I had remembered them. Many memories and thoughts overloaded my brain. Tears were springing faster than before. Out of most of the memories, the ones of Nick and I were the most agonizing. I could almost hear Nick whispering that he loved me.

There was a slight pain coming from my lower stomach. It felt as if the baby were doing flips inside of my stomach.

Nick’s face was directly a few feet away from me. The poster of him was supposed to appear as if he were rocking out live, but to me he stayed the innocent beautiful god-like creature. I was very lucky where I was at. Tears rolled down what felt felt I had cried an ocean. How long have I been crying for?

There was a vibrating in my pants pocket. It was a text from Kevin. You do realize that we have that meeting at eleven, right? Its about nine fifteen right now and I’m in front of Annie’s house right now.

My eyes widened as I looked at the clock. Running down my old stairs, I explained that I had to leave. As expected, Kevin’s car was running and he was impatiently honking the horn.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize what time it was.” I said while taking Nick’s shirt and wiping my face.

“Are you okay? What happened to you?” I wanted it to be a rhetorical question, but I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t.

Sighing, I told Kevin that I didn’t want to talk about it right at the moment. This would be a very sensitive topic. That was the house that I grew up in and now it was all gone. My grasp on that life was quickly slipping out of my fingers.

[&&&]

Putting the last curl in place, I looked in the mirror. My face looked completely opposite from what it had been before. I appeared to be more refined and refreshed; like a porcelain doll. It looked good for the crying I was most likely going to be doing in the next hour.

My dress hung just before my knees. It was a pale lilac color and seemed sensible for the occasion. I grabbed my white sweater then looked back at my attire. It looked good in my opinion.

Kevin opened the door with not even so much of a knock. “Are you ready to go?”

Nodding my head, I tried not to cry. Even though my makeup was waterproof, I wasn’t sure and didn’t want it to run. I had to looked better than my absolute best.

We both silently made our way to Kevin’s car. A thirty minute journey was ahead of us.

The radio seemed to be the only thing making noise in the car. Silence was not one of the things that I enjoyed. Rihanna’s voice was slowly filling up the car. I decided to tell Kevin what had happened earlier.

“Annie took me into my past life.” My tone was very apathetic, but my eyes were a different story. Kevin’s face was filled with confusion.

“What do you mean ‘past life’? Its not like people can die and be reborn again.” Kevin said, turning down the volume of the radio.

A sigh exceeded from my lips. “What I mean is not like reincarnation. What I’m talking about is she took me to her house; my old house. All the memories that were in that house were everywhere. I couldn’t escape it. My whole life before now was in that place. It feels like everything in my life is falling apart.”

Kevin nodded his head as if he knew exactly where I was coming from. In reality, he didn’t even have a clue.

“Are you sure that you want to go through this today? This isn’t something that you can’t just not think about thoroughly. You can’t decided last minute that you want to try and go back to normal. Your life will be more complicated than it is now. Its not something that you can run away from. This is your life.” Kevin stated his speech perfectly.

It bothered me that Kevin was telling me these things I already knew. I knew that my life would a drastically change. I know I can’t change anything once it is all said and done. To me, that sounded just fine.

[&&&]

Tears were streaming down my face faster and harder than I had ever known. I didn’t even cry this much when I found out about the pregnancy. That was THE most agonizing two hours of my life. It seemed like all of that was a dream. Was my life for the past five months or so a dream?

Both Kevin and I walked out of the room without a sound. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone at all. This was the period of misery inside of my soul. Something had died inside of me; who I was?

Kevin patted me on the shoulder and I moved to hug him. My eyes were tightly closed and tears fell down my face.

There was a cough that brought me out of Kevin’s chest. Her face was beyond broken as two men grabbed her wrists. She looked like a completely different person. I shook my head and faced towards Kevin. She averted her eyes away from mine as the men hauled her into a different direction.

On the way home, not one word was said and that was fine for me. I didn’t know where my voice was. I wondered how long it would be before I would go mentally insane. My phone rang the familiar sweet tune and I just ignored it. I could feel Kevin’s eyes on mine. It rang five more times and then stopped.

I needed Nick now more then ever and he wasn’t even here to heal my wounds. Our song stayed in my head for a few minutes and then slowly I felt myself drift into a slumber.