Show Me What I'm Looking For

A breath hitched slightly in my throat as I held my hand on the doorknob; this was it. Conquering the fear of Kevin would be harder than I would think possible considering what had been done.

Kevin’s face was very calm also a tad somber. He was looking out at the window just thinking quietly to himself. There was an awkward silence filling the room. Coughing, he moved his head and looked me straight into the eyes.

“We have to at least talk about it Carolina.” His words were true, but I didn’t want to listen. Maybe if we didn’t talk about it then it wouldn’t be real? Who was I kidding?

“What if I don’t want to talk about it? What if I just want to say that it was an honest mistake. I was sleep walking after having a dream about Nick and that’s what happened. There’s nothing else to it.” my voice seemed a little harsh, but there was no care about it.

The expression on Kevin’s face changed completely right after I’d said those harsh words. I hadn’t meant to say it so crude, it had just came out that way.

Everything I’d said shifted the whole room’s aura. It seemingly became a little darker. “A mistake?! Really?! That’s what you think?”

“I mean what do you want me to say Kevin? I can’t really do anything about it and I don’t like you like that. I’m madly in love with your brother and going out with him. This was what I called it, a mistake.”

“So, everything that happened is just going to go by unwavered. We’re just going to ignore it as if nothing happened. Carolina, I love you!” His chest was rising up and down quickly and his voice was loud, but soft enough for no one outside the room to hear.

His words were the thing that shocked me though. Had he really just said that he loved me? I didn’t seem as if it were true. My voice was below a whisper. “Did you just say you love me?”

“Yes Carolina! I just said that I love you. I’ve loved you for so long and now you finally know. Its not the way I wanted to tell you, but now its just going to be put out into the open.” He said in one breath.

Shock filled my whole brain as well as body. I didn’t know what to say, I don’t think I could have said anything at all. This was something that was just not expected in my book.

There was nothing said for a little while, until I found the right words to speak. “You shouldn’t have told me that Kevin. There's nothing I can do. I love Nick with all my heart and would never leave him, you know that. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”

With that being said, I stood up from the chair and exited the room. In that room, I swear, I could hear a heart breaking. This day was just beginning to get worse.

Annie saw me walk about the halls and ran straight over to me. “Oh my gosh! Whats the matter? What happened to you?”

“I’d been called up to guidance, remember? I talked to Kevin and all that stuff. I’m pretty sure that he’s going to quit his job now that that happened.” I said as more tears fell down my face. I couldn’t believe that he had told me he loved me.

“Are you really for sure?” Annie asked me with cautious eyes. “Don’t you think that’s a little hasty, I mean sure he wouldn’t want to loose his job, but I don’t think he would go that far for an accident.”

An open sigh filled the halls as I walked through them. for the first time in a long time all I wanted was the homey comfort of my mother. I wonder what she was up to and how she was doing at the moment.

Suddenly, the bell rang and signaled that it was time for the two of us to get to class. The more and more I thought about it, the more I decided that tutoring was the right way to go.

[&&&]

There was only five minutes of class when surprisingly the guidance office called me to see them. Usually Kevin just straight up called for me so this was a little shock to me. Had I been that harsh with him?

Immediately when I opened the door, Kevin looked at me and then averted his gaze to the frivolous laptop. “What is it Kevin?”

“You should really take a look at this.” That was all that Kevin had seemed to say. The way he had said it and his facial expression scared me.

As I sat down, Kevin turned the laptop around so I could read the screen. My eyes widened as tears were brimming them. None of this was true; it couldn’t be true.

Nick’s face was everywhere on the front cover of the screen. Her face was there as well. They were holding hands and laughing about something funny I suppose. The subtitle of the cover had said: Nick Jonas and Selena Gomez? An item? See more on page thirty-five.

My heart felt as if it were breaking into a million jagged edged pieces. I was completely and utterly flabbergasted. Clicking through the other pages, I finally made it to thirty-five and regretted it. There were two whole pages devoted to them; or as the magazine would like so say, Nelena.

Pictures were everywhere and I couldn’t seem to escape them. The article, I think, was the most heart breaking of them all.

While on tour, sixteen year old Nick Jonas has seemingly been spending a lot of time with Disney’s star Selena Gomez. Apparently she asked him to play a part in her newest video for her new single, Solo. He gladly accepted it as a good friend, but where does this leave his unknown girlfriend? By the looks of it, it seems that they wont stay together for long. Who knew little Nick Jonas was becoming a heart breaker instead of his usual peace maker? You better be careful Nick, don’t want to end up seventeen and in a mess like this.

The whole world seemed to be crashing down in front of my face. Then, the one picture at the bottom of the screen had broken my heart forever. Their lips were both pressed to one anther's. Quickly, I shut the laptop closed as tears were flying everywhere.

Kevin wrapped me into an embrace that felt so warm and loving; that’s what I needed right now. Without thinking, I slowly kissed Kevin full on the lips. there was no attraction or spark, just nothing.

“Here, lets get you home.” Kevin said, letting go of me just as the last bell had rung. He was right about one thinking. Home sounded very nice at the moment. All I wanted right now was my mother and one of her special loving hugs and maybe some cookies.

Both Kevin and I sat in the car as we made our way to his driveway. There was nothing but silence. I didn’t know what to say personally. A lot had happened today and the day wasn’t even over.

“Hey, do you think you could get the mail for me?” Nodding my head, I opened the car door and walked to the mailbox. The mail looked pretty average until I saw the magazine that was in the pile. It was there just taunting me and telling me that my life is worthless.

Running inside, I went up to my room with the mail in my hand. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I saw that it was a text message from Nick. Get on Skype, I want to talk to you (:

If only he knew the half of what I knew about him. We were now becoming at different crossroads and I didn’t know if I liked this new Nick.

“Hey there pretty lady,” His smile was bright then he saw my face more clearly. “Wait, whats the matter? Why have you been crying.

“Really? You’re asking me why I’m crying.” My voice was shaking tremendously as I tried to make it stop.

He looked at me as if he didn’t know what he did wrong, so I decided to clear some things up for him. “I told you that Selena was a threat to our relationship, but you ignored me.”

“What in the world are you talking about Carolina?” he looked at me with wide eyes and if I were crazy.

My voice was beyond booming as I grabbed the magazine and held it near the laptop screen so he could see it. “Do I really have to spell it out for you? Nick you cheated on me and you’re not even going to admit it.”

Tears were flowing down my cheeks more then I thought possible ever in my life. My heart was literally breaking so much that I thought I could very much die.

“Carolina, its just a publicity thing. I have no feelings for Selena at all. I love you and you should know that.” He said and it looked as if his heart were breaking too.

“How should I really know that you love me? You kissed her, full lips.” I cried out in frustration. Being in a long distance relationship was so hard and I knew that, but I never knew it would this hard.

Nick grabbed a fist full of curls and let out a small scream. “My birthday is tomorrow Carolina. Don’t you think we could just get over this?”

Him saying this made something ignite inside of me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was something. “You think just because its your birthday tomorrow that you get a get out of jail free card? Well you don’t! It doesn’t make what you did any more wrong. “

“I’m not saying that it is Carolina. I just wanted to let you know that nothing is going on between Selena and me. I’d never want her because I love you, but it seems like you don’t love me anymore.” He had that certain tone in his voice.

“Oh no! Do not go blaming this whole thing on me! You were the one who was with another girl. And its not that I don’t love you Nick; I love you too much. You’ve just left me not knowing what to do with you!” an exasperated sigh escaped past my lips.

This was beginning to drain the life out of me. Just then, the door opened on the other side and Selena poked her head through; that was it. “You know what, fuck this relationship Nick! I don’t need it! I’m done with this and I’m done with you!”

Quickly, I closed my laptop before I regretted the situation. This seemed like the right thing to do. He had cheated on me for Selena Gomez, but I’d also done some pretty bad things as well. Maybe this was a good thing? Maybe we both just need some space away from each other?

Just then, a loud cry of frustration, pain, and misery erupted through my lips. Water was slowly leaking onto the floor. My eyes widened as I realized what was suddenly happening. “KEVIN!”