Show Me What I'm Looking For

No one could take this feeling away from me, the feeling of holding something that was truly mine. She was so beautiful. Her eyes were sparkling a pretty shade of light brown. The hair that she had, which wasn’t much, was a darker brown. She had to be the just the most gorgeous child that I had ever seen in my life.

Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about that moment. The only thing that would have made it better were if Nick was there and if I had looked better in the picture that the nurse had took of Kevin, Amelia, and I.

When I first looked at Amelia, the only thing that I could do was cry my eyes out. She just looked so much like Nick, even for only being hours old. It was going to be hard looking at her everyday while Nick was gone.

“Doctors say you and Amelia can leave today if you want.” Kevin said, resting his body on the side frame of the door. Finally, after a week I could leave this place.Now don’t get me wrong, everyone here is nice and all, but I love the feel of my comfortable bed. I loved the feeling of home, even though Kevin’s home wasn’t really my home.

Amelia Grace Noel, isn't that such a beautiful name? I got the name from Nick. Her middle name Grace comes from the one person that I truly admire, my grandmother. Alice had been through a large mass of problems, with the death of her husband and the birth of her child on the same day, she handled it and is just amazing.

So, after a week in the hospital I can finally leave; that was a biggest relief. I could finally see the outside world and hang out with some friends, well my one awesome friend. Annie just had to see Amelia; she would fall in love with her at first sight just like I did.

“Come on Kevin, I'm ready to go. There are things that I wish to do with my life.” Kevin rolled his eyes dramatically at my statement, but still smiled.

“Whatever you say Carolina. I was totally planning to keep you here in this hospital bed so you could rot.” Smiling, I stuck my tongue out at him playfully.

There had been a little match between Kevin and I ever since I got in here. I didn’t even know how it started, it was just something that was funny to the two of us. My head spun for a few seconds as my legs were on the tile floor.

“Whoa there buddy,” Kevin said jogging over to me trying to keep me steady. “Are you alright? Maybe you should stay here for another day.”

My eyes widened at the statement Kevin had made. The idea of staying one more day made my brain explode. I wanted needed more than anything to get out of here. I had to show Amelia to my bestest friend ever, to the world. It would be wrong of me if I didn’t.

Dr. Randall came into the room, which in return caused all of my previous thoughts to vanish instantly. “How are you today Carolina? Kevin tells me that you want to leave this morning.”

“Its not that I don’t like it here, I’m just wanting the comfort of my own bed; I’m good at the moment though. Thank you for asking.” The smile on his face made me grin as well. Dr. Randall was just a really awesome man.

He nodded his head at me with a large smile still on his lips. He understood what I meant completely, even he probably couldn’t be in a hospital for too long. It just seemed like there would be too much stress. People came into hospitals all the time; either injured, dying, or even something as simple as a check up. Lets just say that doctors are largely needed.

Kevin walked into the room, right over to the two of us, and took my hand. He pulled me off of the bed I had been sitting on and told me that all the paperwork had been filled out and that we could leave if I wanted to. It would be sad not seeing Dr. Randall for a while, but I’ll see him again soon.

Once we had finally made it outside of the hospital, Amelia in my arms, I let out a light cheer; I couldn’t help it. I'm finally free enough to walk to where I wanted to.

Amelia stirred in my arms the whole car ride home. She was just so precious. Kevin was right about before. I am better than all of my past friends and it is an amazing feeling to call something my own. Amelia is mine and will always be a wonderful creation made with pure love by two people.

“Are you ready to face the music?” it took me a few seconds to actually realize what Kevin was talking about. Reality hit me like a bolt of lightning. Nick and I weren't together and I had to tell him that we were now parents.

Saying the right words were hard, but finding the right words to say were even harder. What would I tell him? How could even begin to explain what has been going on for the last nine months since hes been gone?

“I'm never really going to be ready to tell Nick about this. I just have to put on my big girl panties and tell him the best possible way that there is.” I replied to him. From this moment on I felt like a woman, an adult.

Kevin nodded his head, opened the passenger car door for me, and helped me out of the car without dropping my precious child. The thought still made me giggle on the inside and out.

When we had finally made it inside my first instinct was to get some real food. Handing Amelia over to Kevin, I did just that. There was more food then I remembered. Kevin must have came back to the house and stocked up. There were many things in the refrigerator, but I decided on a lean hot dog and some fruit, I have to loose this baby weight before Nick gets back.

A familiar ring filled my ears as I began to eat. Suddenly, I realized that it was my cell phone. Kevin grabbed it and handed over to me. I thanked him silently.

“Little Annie!” she laughed on the other end of the receiver. It feels like forever since I’ve talked to her. I miss her more than ever.

“Carolina! How are you? I hear that you’re out of the hospital. I’m coming over soon.” I laughed at her as she hung up the phone. She was always like this. She would always call, then end up hanging up, then come over to my house ten minutes later.

Kevin came into the kitchen, fixing himself a snack, and plopped in the chair right next to mine. “So whats your plan for the day?”

“First Annie is going to come over, then I’m going to work off all of this baby weight, then finally I’ll call Nick. By that time, it’ll probably be two in the afternoon.” Kevin nodded his head. “Oh, and you know you’re going to have to stay hidden from Annie. We don’t want her knowing about me living with you.”

He understood what I meant; that didn’t mean that he liked it. Kevin nodded his head and got up from the table. As soon as he left there was a large knock on the front door. I wondered who it could be? I smiled to myself.

When I opened the door, Annie still appeared to look the same; her natural red hair and skinny body, I was jealous of her. She instantly wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me into a hug. “I missed you so much Carolina! How are you? Wheres the baby I’ve been urging to see?”

“I’ve been missing you too little Annie, I’m really good, emotionally stable too. Shes sleeping right now, but when she wakes up I’ll show Amelia to you.” it still caused me to smile every single time I said or even thought of her name.

“Amelia? Aw, that is such an adorable old-fashioned name, I love it. Whats her whole name?” Annie questioned me with a huge smile on her face,

Something about my life just seemed to be falling into place at this moment. I didn’t know what it was that was doing it, but something was just making my life better. Amelia was making my life better then I ever imagined.

“Her full name is Amelia Grace Noel. Nick came up with the idea of Amelia and my grandma’s middle name is Grace, so that’s where she got her name from.” I replied. There was something in Annie’s facial expression that when I brought up the word Nick. I knew what she was either going to say or ask.

“That’s really awesome. I cannot wait to see her when she wakes up.” she wasn’t finished. I knew she was going to say more. “Have you told Nick yet?”

A long sigh escaped past my lips once I heard the repeated question. She had asked it almost every time I had seen her. “I haven't told him yet, no. I am going to do that later today though after you leave and I work out. Have you seen what I look like now?”

“Well that’s really good and I’m very proud of you. Yes I have seen what you look like, I'm looking at you right now,” Annie laughed loudly at her own joke and I lightly glared at her with a small smile on my face. Today was going to be something different.

[&&&]

The time had read that it was one thirty. Annie had left about an hour and a half ago and I had just finished working out. There was no better feeling then working out. Sweat was all over my body though, that feeling I didn’t not enjoy so much.

During my shower, I thought about many things. Did I want to tell Nick right now? Telling him in person seemed more like the right thing to do. What would I tell Annie though? She would only nag at me if I didn’t. Could I possibly lie to Annie about telling Nick? All I did know was that I needed to talk to Nick.

Two minutes had passed since I had gotten out of the shower, dried myself off, and put on some clothes. I sat on my bed deliberating if I really wanted to call Nick. My head said one thing, but my heart said the complete opposite.

The real truth was that I really missed Nick, everything about him. Small tears started to fall down from my face as I started to think of all the memories of us, especially our break up.

Sighing, I grabbed my phone and pressed the number that was all too familiar. There were a few rings and then the call was answered. I could lightly hear his breathing in the background.

“I know you’re there Nick, we need to talk about this. Can you just take some time to hear me out. I love, miss, and want you back.”