Show Me What I'm Looking For

“Hello?” Nicks voice filled the quiet room and then there was a long pause.

“Hey.” My voice was below a whisper. All of this was too much for my brain to handle. “It’s me.”

“Carolina!” He practically screamed into my ear joyously. I had to laugh a little. It ended up very shaky.

“I’m sorry.” Then suddenly I was sobbing.

“Don’t cry.” I could hear him comforting me. Kevin put his hand on my back and started rubbing it in a circle, soothing my nerves and it seemed to be working.

“I’m fine.” I told both of them. It was suddenly quiet again.

“I’m not mad at you, if that’s what your thinking? I’ve just been stressed out lately and haven’t gotten around to checking my phone. I’d never ignore you though. That would be pretty close to impossible.” I said closing my eyes and picturing his gorgeous face. I could hear him sigh in relief, which made me feel a little better.

“I was so worried about you Care. I’ve never been so stressed out and I kept wondering what I did wrong. This makes me feel so much better.” I could imagine his big smile and bright eyes just jumping for joy. It brought me to silent tears.

“Nick I’ve got to go.” I said letting out a tiny hiccup.

“I’ve got to go too anyways. I love you Care, Forever in Eternity.” He said. My heart dropped to an all time low. I wanted so badly to tell him, but it didn’t seem possible right now.

“Love you too, forever in eternity.” Sighing, I hung up the cell phone. Kevin just stared at my face analyzing me.

“I’m going out. I’ll call you when I need you.” I said putting on a jacket and walking out the door.

The fresh cold air was soothing to my brain. My hand moved from the inside of my pockets to my flat stomach. This baby that was growing inside of me seemed to terrify me to death.

My thoughts seemed to be circling around the fact that I am now a pregnant teenage girl. It was making my whole insides turn in the most strange way.

I slowly made my way to the door and knocked. There was no sound coming from the other side. I hoped they were home. My eyes started drooping as the door opened.

“Sissy!” Benjamin yelled. My eyes popped open instantly. A wide smile formed across my face.

“Benny!” I yelled with the same amount of excitement. His tiny arms wrapped themselves around my lower hips. Then he pulled me inside.

Our house seemed less vibrant and more vacant than usual. Behind his brown eyes I could see the visible pain.

“What happened yesterday?” I asked him quietly. He started leading me into his room. Toys were everywhere; from the floor to in the open closet to under the bed. It was scary just to look at.

“Well, mommy was cwing in the kitchen when you and daddy left. She walked up to her room and was cwing some more. Den in da middle of the night daddy came home and came into my room and threw my toys everywhere. Then mommy came into my room and he was talking bad words and looked like he was ‘bout to fall. Den he hit mommy in the face and I was cwing too. And den he went to sleep and lef again.” The pain was even more evident now in Benjamin.

I started picking up his toys when mom came into the room to help me. from what I could see there was a bluish mark on the side of her face. My eyes couldn’t help but widen . I tried to focus on the toys but it didn’t work.

“Mom…” I don’t think that I had the will power to even finish that sentence.

“I’m fine.” She whispered lowly. Then she suddenly plastered on a fake smile. “I’m really glad you’re here. I was so worried about you when you left and now your back.” After she spoke her arms were wrapping themselves around my body. She was crying, no sobbing on me. I felt horrible.

“I’m going to get my stuff and go.” Suddenly she she stopped sobbing and looked me in the with confusion and sorrow.

“What are you talking about Carolina?” she asked, her voice going up a couple a pitches higher than normal.

“I really don’t think it would be a good surprise if I was home when dads’ here.” I said walking into my room. Mom followed me.

When I got into my room it was two times worse than Benjamin's’s. gasps filled both mom and I’s mouth. It really hard to ignore this mess. The picture of Nick and I in a frame was shattered on the carpet. I tried to not concentrate on that fact though.

I scrambled for my suitcase grabbing anything in sight, leaving the rest of the scattered clothes on the floor. I remembered the picture and put it into the pajama pocket. Mom’s gaze seemed to make me feel more guilty, she just looked so lost, like a newborn puppy.

I grabbed my cell phone out of my other pajama pocket and dialed Kevin’s number.

“Come pick me up, I’m at my house.” I said after his answering machine ended.

“I’m sorry mom, it’s just the way it has to be.” I grabbed my suitcase and walked down the stairs.

“Sissy, why are you leaving again?” Benjamin stood right in front of the door. His facial expression was enough to send me to more tears today. It was becoming ridiculous and it want even noon. His upper lip was trembling and his eyes were starting to tear up.

There was a car honk from outside. Benny wouldn’t move out of the way when I put my hand on the door handle. There was a knock coming from the other side of the door.

Suddenly I was opening the door, not caring that Benjamin was still in the way.

Kevin smiled at me brightly when he entered the house. He looked around and grimaced, he noticed the difference too. His eyes scanned my face and he grabbed my suitcase and headed for the door.

I took a long glance from mom to Benny, then I headed outside. When I got in the car Kevin was just staring at me again. His face was apathetic.

“Are you just going to keep staring at me or are we going to actually leave?” I didn’t mean to snap at him but he was always looking at me and quite frankly it was making me feel really creeped out.

He started the engine and was reversing out of the driveway. When he got to a few houses after mine I thought of something.

“Wait!” I shouted. Kevin immediately pushed on the brakes, his eyes wide. I quickly opened the door and ran to my house.

When I opened the door my mother just stared at me wide-eyed as I paced myself up the stairs and into my room. Searching for it, I came across what I was looking for. I sighed in relief and grabbed it. The bear hung tight to my chest as I paced myself again down the stairs and out the door.

Kevin just gave me a confused look when I got back into his car.

“What is that?” he asked.

“A teddy bear, duh. Nick gave it to me on our first ever date at the carnival.” I smiled remembering what felt like an eternity ago.

“Oh yeah, I remember that. I had to drive you guys there and Joe would not stop teasing you two about finally being together. Then both of you would just blush and turn away from everything.” He and I both laughed at the memory.

“Those were some of the best times of my life.” I sighed but still seemed to smile. And now we were on our way back to Kevin’s house and on my way to an entirely new life.