Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

I never went to Ben's funeral.

My parents didn't know him, so why would their waste their precious time mourning over a guy they didn't give two shits about? I couldn't even go to the viewing. Mike had offered to take me, but of course that didn't sit well with my parents either. Instead I let my eyes bleed out the two nights of the ceremonies in my room while his corpse laid limp in a casket a half hour away.

My goodbye loomed above my head for him. I would never be able to get that off my chest, just like the tons of others that stuck with me over the years.

When my grandma was rolled out of her house on a stretcher and I hid behind the couch, it was the last time I'd ever see her half-alive.

When my uncle killed himself, I couldn't even bring myself to the funeral. Nobody would tell me it was suicide, but I knew the story and my mind pieced together the rest.

One Halloween night, after long hours of trick-or-treating and beaming with happiness, I came home to discover my grandpa was dead.

All the funerals I had been to, it was hard not to look back and wish that I would have said more.

I stared at my ceiling in thought. Goodbyes were painful to deal with, especially for me. I hoped I wouldn't have to say goodbye to anymore people, whether it was because of a death or a move. Freshman year, no goodbyes. I hope.

School had now been in session for a few weeks. I had my schedule perfectly memorized, but the only part of the day I actually looked forward to was lunch. Why?

Well, if I said to eat, that would be a lie. If I said to relax, that would only be the partial truth.

It was more of the fact that I wanted to see a particular person I sat with. It killed me inside to let myself think that there was even the slightest possibility that I might have a crush on him. In fact, it made me want to gag. I hated liking guys, and I usually put a halt on the feelings before they developed into something that I wouldn't be able to handle. I just told myself over and over, "He'll never like you. It's never gonna happen, you fucking loser."

Jon was no different, at least I suspected so. Naturally, I tried to put all the feelings behind me and get on with my life. There's just no use in pining for someone that's never going to like you the same way.

I sat down in my usual chair at the lunch table next to Dani. I played with the zipper on my lunchbox instead of opening it and chowing down on whatever was inside. Becca sat beside me eventually and dumped out the contents of her brown paper bag. Andrew showed up and took his spot in the corner, Jon following behind him. I couldn't help but look up when they arrived, and when I locked eyes with Jon, the unexpected happened.

Jon winked at me and sort of blew me a kiss. I stiffened, not knowing how to react. I knew my cheeks were probably as red as a ripe tomato. I wanted to look away, but I ended up winking back.

Then I looked away.

"I'm going to Great Adventure this weekend," Becca sang. My moment was then over. I opened my lunchbox and pulled out something small to eat and keep my mind occupied during this conversation.

"I went last weekend with Katie," Dani chimed in. I felt like pushing myself away from the table, or even asking everyone that was going to talk about Great Adventure to just go away.

But if I asked that, I'd be sitting by myself.

"We should all go together," Jon suggested.

"I can't," I said. I had not meant to say that out loud, but it escaped my lips anyway.

"Why not?" Jon asked. He was looking at me like I had six arms or something. I frowned and looked at Becca.

"I guess I should tell them?" I asked. Becca merely shrugged and continued on with her lunch, showing no real interest. Of course she wouldn't care; she didn't have to deal with what was keeping me back from the theme park, but I had to every single day of my life.

"You see, I've got a heart problem. I was born with a hole in my heart. They fixed it, but I can't ride roller coasters and stuff," I explained. I felt beyond embarrassed, almost ashamed.

"Really?" Jon asked. I nodded as I hooked my index finger around my shirt collar and pulled it down a little bit, revealing the beginning of a long scar trail. Andrew and Jon both studied it until I let my collar go and stared down at the table. Well, at least that was out of the way now.

"That's awesome," he said suddenly. I looked up at Jon and shook my head slightly, completely baffled on why he thought it was "awesome". I didn't find it awesome in any freaking way, and I never would.

"Sure, you go ahead and think that," I replied. I looked back down and poked at my sandwich sitting in my lunchbox, wondering what laid between the two slices of whole wheat bread, waiting to be eaten.

"Becky."

I looked back up at Jon. It was about to spiral into a whole new conversation.

"Why aren't you eating?" he asked.

"I don't feel good."