This Is Primetime

"Fuck," I cursed, pushing away and getting to my feet. I began pacing the floor at the foot of her bed restlessly. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" All of a sudden, the room seemed to take on a sinister shade. The framed picture on her dresser of when we were together, the stuffed bear sitting on her nightstand, and especially my own reflection in her full-length mirror. Everything was just a little bit darker than it had been a moment before.

"I didn't think I was that bad of a kisser," Becky muttered, pulling her knees to her chest.

I stopped walking and stared at her, dumbfounded. "Are you seriously trying to make jokes right now? I'm not that guy, Becky. I can't be that guy."

"What's the big deal? It's a kiss, Josh. It's not like we had sex. I wouldn't even really call it cheating." She spoke quietly, not looking at me anymore.

"Wouldn't you?" My tone was a lot harsher than I had intended, and I watched her flinch. I was too pissed off to feel bad. "Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you wouldn't have cared if I'd kissed another girl when we were together?"

I knew that it was only a matter of moments before her temper flared to match mine. I was probably crossing a few lines by comparing this to my past relationship with Becky. And she probably thought I was an asshole right about now. That was only fair, though; I felt like an asshole. I went over the past few moments in my head. I couldn't even decipher who had initiated the kiss. Even if it had been her, I hadn't exactly stopped it. How could this have happened? What was wrong with me?

I looked back over at Becky, and I couldn't figure out what she was thinking. That shouldn't have come as a shock anymore. She was so damn hard to read these days.

"What's going through your head right now?" I tried to sound sympathetic, but I wasn't very successful.

"I'm sorry, Josh."

And just like that, I hated myself even more. It was crystal clear that I was the bad guy here. "It's not like it's only your fault. I was there, too."

She looked up at me, and there was nothing but utter confusion in her eyes. "I'm not talking about the kiss. That was... nice. I meant everything between us lately. I wish that I could just let you go. But I'm not willing to disappear off the face of the earth again. I want you in my life, Josh. And I thought that we were starting to become friends. But I guess I was wrong. Apparently getting over you is harder than I ever could have imagined."

"I should say the same thing to you. I don't want you to leave again, but this isn't really working, is it?"

"You still have feelings for me too?" She stood up from the mattress, though she still stayed a safe distance away.

"You haven't noticed that yet?" I asked her. I had thought that I'd been obvious this whole time. Maybe I was an even better actor than I'd thought. If a kiss hadn't proved to her that I still cared about her, I wondered if she noticed anything else. "Tell me something: have you noticed the way Matt feels about you?"

"Why are you dragging Matt into this? He and I are just fine." She took on a defensive tone.

"Are you fucking serious?" I spluttered, totally taken aback.

She was blind. No, worse than that, she was completely ignoring her so-called best friend. If he knew what had just happened in here, I'd hate to think what he would do. The poor guy was absolutely crazy about her, and she couldn't see it. Once again, this was all my fault. If I wasn't around, she would notice him. Instead, she was still looking at me like I was her knight in shining armor. Too bad my armor was rusty and falling apart. And what little of it was left didn't belong to her anymore.

"Why are you getting so pissed off about Matt?" She sounded as though she was challenging me. "I thought this was about us."

"There is no us without Matt. There never really was. If it wasn't for him, we never would have even spoken to one another," I shot back.

"What the hell are you talking about? I know that Matt had a lot to do with us getting together, but you can't tell me that he was tangled up in everything. Hell, half the time we were together, I forgot about him!"

I wished that I could tell her what everyone else could see. The two of them needed to at least try a relationship; if only to prove that they weren't perfect together. But as it was right then, it seemed like they would be together forever if they ever hooked up. And, as much as I would loathe every second of it, I wanted to see her happy. If this was how she accomplished that, I would just have to deal with it. Besides, Matt was one of my best friends. I wanted him to get what he wanted out of life, too.

"That's not what I meant, Becky, and you know it. What if you and Matt were dating right now? Then you wouldn't have to worry about me at all."

Her jaw dropped as her eyes narrowed. I had never seen this kind of fire in her before. It was a bit shocking to see such a fair and pretty face filled with such rage.

"One second you're kissing me, and the next you're telling me to date someone else?" She sounded choked. "What is wrong with you, Josh? What the hell happened to you over the past few years? The guy I used to know would never jerk me around like this!"

"The guy you used to know also wouldn't kiss some girl that isn't his girlfriend."

"Some girl? Am I just some girl to you now?"

"No, you're not," I didn't know if I'd ever spoken more heartfelt words. "But times change, Becky. Things are different now. And as much as I wish that we could go back, a part of me is glad that it's all over. Now there's no more secrets; there's no drugs and no lies."

"So that means we could never work? What makes you think that it wouldn't be better because I was there for all of that?"

"I never said that," I tried to be patient. "I meant that I didn't have to worry about that kind of stuff anymore. It's in the past. Now I can focus on the present. We both can. Maybe we're better off this way."

I tried to ignore the moisture pooling in her eyes. "Maybe we are. But don't just brush me off and pretend that nothing's wrong. You're so concerned with being that guy that you don't even realize that I'm not that girl. I don't want to be seen as some homewrecking bitch. So what do we do about all of this?"

I took a moment to really look at her. She wasn't tall or muscular, but her stance was threatening. She was pissed off. At me. After everything we'd been through together, I'd thought that it would be impossible to make her angry. I always had to be proven wrong, didn't I?

"I don't know, Becky. What do you want to do about this?"

She unfolded her arms and planted her hands on her hips. "Do you expect me to just play dumb and act like it didn't happen?"

"Wouldn't it be easier that way?"

"Maybe. But we're going to have to pretend that this fight didn't happen, too. If we act stressed out around each other, somebody's going to notice."

I didn't have to ask in order to know that by somebody, she meant Matt. "You're right. So we go back to the way things were, and nobody's the wiser."

"How many times can we pretend that nothing's changed between us?" She pressed, her voice cracking. "I can't keep this up forever. I miss you, Josh. I miss everything that we used to be. I hate that we can't figure this out."

"You're not the only one," I sat down gingerly on the edge of her bed, rubbing my temples. If this had been any other girl, any other ex, I wouldn't even be willing to have this conversation. I wished that I knew what was best for us. I wanted her to find a healthy relationship. That was something she'd never really had with me, no matter how much fun we'd had along the way. "Being friends really isn't working very well, is it?"

"But being together is impossible while Stacey is around."

"And I'm not willing to give her up right now," I said firmly. Stacey had been the only ounce of normalcy in my life as of late. None of this was her fault, and I didn't want her to suffer over it.

"So then what are we? Aquaintances? That seems a little formal for us, Josh."

I looked back up at her. How many times was I going to hurt her? How often did we have to do this little dance before she figured out that I was no good? She had always been a bit stubborn, but I'd hoped that for once she would take her own well-being into account.

"I want you around Becky. I don't want this to fuck everything up. I just... I'm sorry. I overreacted. It just took me by surprise, you know?" I apologized, feeling myself being sucked in again, like I always was with her.

It wasn't like I hadn't enjoyed kissing her again. That wasn't really the point. The whole situation was just wrong. I didn't want her to feel like we couldn't fix this, though. We had to find a way. I couldn't lose her again. I really didn't know what I would do if that happened.

"I know," she frowned, and I watched the crease between her eyes appear, then harden into place. I loathed that expression on her features.

"Sometimes I think it would just be easier if you hated me."

"Isn't that kind of the point of all of this, Josh?" She asked softly.

I didn't answer, I just gave her a quizzical look and waited for her to explain herself.

She sniffed a bit, then the frown returned. "I couldn't hate you if I tried."

And then she left. She turned on her heel, pulled open the door, and fled into the hallway. She was only gone a split second before I heard another door slam. There was only one room that was close enough that she could reach it that quickly: Matt's bedroom.

I shuddered at the thought of what she would tell him. I was pretty certain that the three of us could get past this potantially damaging situation, but I didn't exactly want it to become common knowledge. I sighed heavily as I pushed myself back up off of the bed.

I had to go home sometime, and it didn't seem like I could spend any more time in this apartment today. I felt like I needed to talk about this with an objective third party. Maybe Ian or Mike. They didn't know her as well as Andrew and Chris. I definitely couldn't talk to Matt; he was already pretty occupied.

Feeling somewhat defeated, I left Becky's room. I paused for a minute outside of Matt's door, but I couldn't make out what the voices contained therein were saying. I was pretty sure that I didn't want to know, anyways.

As I pulled the apartment door closed behind me, I dug my phone out of my pocket and dialed. Ian and Mike were going to find out eventually. Maybe they could give me some advice if they heard it from my perspective first.

As frustrated as I was, I couldn't be upset with her. I could never hate her, either.