This Is Primetime

I still felt a little unsure about going out with Stacey, but I would rather have gotten it over with than waited for another night. Leilani picked the club, since Markie and I didn't really know many places in the city. As always, Stacey was too quiet to voice an opinion. I was starting to think that that would be the flaw I found in her; she was too quiet.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a girls' night. It was nice to be with people that weren't embarassed to go and dance to anything that was playing at that particular moment. It was also kind of nice to have someone to talk to about guys. But, of course, I had to watch my mouth with Stacey around. I was certain that anything I said about Josh would get back to him by the next morning.

We were all feeling pretty tipsy by the time we stopped dancing and sat down at a table together.

"So how do you guys handle it when the boys go on tour? I kind of hate being without a roommate now that I've had one for awhile," I said to Stacey and Leilani while Markie was gone to get another drink.

"You'll get used to it. Sure, it's hard, but I talk to Mike at least once a day, so it's not too bad most of the time. The worst part is when something goes wrong here and I really need him around."

"I'm not even living with Josh," Stacey piped up. Somehow, it still surprised me when I heard her voice. "So I talk to him now about as much as I do when he's here. I just don't get to see him face to face, that's all. Are you and Matt actually dating? Or are you just friends?" I could see the curiosity burning in her eyes. "Because you act like you're dating, but then you always just refer to him as your roommate."

Markie was walking up as she spoke. "If Matt can get over Becky and Josh kissing, then I'm pretty sure it's fate. They're together, I'm telling you."

She grinned at me, waiting for me to retaliate. Instead, I was frozen. My mouth was hanging open just a bit, and I couldn't move. Everyone else at the table fell silent. Leilani gently squeezed my forearm, trying to shake me from my trance.

"You..." Stacey paused, trying to get her thoughts together. "You kissed Josh?"

"Markie," my threat came out as a terrified whisper. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to justify anything. She wasn't ever supposed to find out.

"Okay, that sounds bad," Markie rushed to cover herself, realizing what she'd just said. "It's not like they kissed recently," I could feel Leilani watching me for any reaction. I was still frozen in place as Markie continued. "It's just that they used to date, and obviously then they kissed."

I groaned, letting my head fall forward and smack painfully into the table.

"You dated him?" Stacey's voice was louder than I'd ever heard it. I liked it better when she was silent. "Why would you both keep this from me? Why didn't anyone tell me? When did this happen?"

"We kept it from you because we were afraid that you would react badly," I explained, turning my head to the side just enough to make my words come out clearly. "How stupid were we?" I laughed harshly. "You're not reacting badly at all."

"I don't appreciate the sarcasm right now, Becky," Stacey snapped.

I lifted my head from the table and stared at her darkly. "It was in high school. It was years ago. It's not like he would ever cheat on you. We all know that he doesn't have that in him."

"But you guys all lied to me. That doesn't exactly make me confident about the relationship between the two of you," she argued.

"I didn't speak to him for four years. How can you believe that something is still going on after all of that time apart?"

"If it wasn't a big deal, why didn't he just tell me?"

In frustration, I pushed my chair back from the table and stood up. "Excuse me ladies, I'll be in the smoking section. I need a minute."

"You don't smoke," Markie looked puzzled.

"I think I might start," I called over my shoulder as I walked away. I needed to clear my head. Maybe a fenced-in chunk of grass that was completely filled with a purplish haze of smoke wasn't the best place to do that, but I didn't have many options at the moment. I leaned against the plywood wall and pulled out my cell phone. I didn't know who to talk to right then, and I knew that Stacey was probably already on the phone with Josh. So I called Matt.

"Hey, Beck," he greeted me cheerfully on the fourth ring. "What's up?"

"I fucked up. I shouldn't have brought Markie tonight. Stacey knows." I told him bluntly, feeling as though I was on the brink of hysteria.

"Stacey knows what?"

I could hear Josh in the background. He was asking Matt what he was talking about. Maybe Stacey hadn't called him just yet.

"Markie accidentally let it slip about the kiss. So she tried to cover her ass by saying that it was when we were dating. Which, of course, let Stacey know that Josh and I used to date. She's freaking out right now."

"Shit. Hold on one second."

I could hear a faint conversation between Matt and Josh, and then suddenly Josh was on the phone with me.

"She knows?"

I sighed. "Yes, she knows. And she's pissed."

"Fuck. But she doesn't know about the other day, does she?"

"No. I think she believed it when Markie said that it was when we were dating." I waved a tendril of smoke away from my face, coughing loudly. "So I guess that's one positive about this."

"Becky, what do I do?" He sounded desperate. It hurt me to hear him in pain.

"I'm sorry, Josh," I apologized profusely. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. I just... Shit. I should try and call her. Or should I wait for her to call me?"

"I'm surprised she hasn't called you yet, to be honest."

"Okay, so I'll wait for her to call me. I'll pretend that I heard it from her first, not you. Fuck," he swore again. "I'm sorry you got caught up in this, Becky."

"It's not like we expected it to happen like this. I wish I could help you more," I told him whole-heartedly.

"Go back to the girls. Maybe you can clear the air a little bit before she calls me."

In retrospect, it probably looked bad that I had taken off by myself. I wondered what the other girls were saying in my absence. I tucked my phone into my pocket and turned around to head back into the club. I found that there was a guy standing behind me, no doubt listening to my conversation. He looked embarassed to have been caught eavesdropping, and he awkwardly offered me the remains of his cigarette. I declined with a roll of my eyes as I stalked past him.

"Where did you go?" Markie demanded as soon as I approached our table.

"I had to pee. Sorry," I lied.

She saw right through me, but she didn't ask anything more. She seemed to want to avoid any more trouble tonight. I looked past her and saw that Leilani was now sitting next to Stacey, murmuring reassurances to her.

"Stacey," I began, trying to find something appropriate to say.

She looked up at me, her blue eyes wide and sad. "I get why you didn't tell me. I just don't get why he didn't."

"I can't answer for him," I slid into my chair and leaned forward across the table, trying to sympathize. "But I know Josh; he must have had the best intentions."

"Somehow, I just don't believe that."

"Don't do anything rash," I warned her. "Believe me, you'll regret it. You don't know what you have with Josh. Things will never be the same if he's not around."

Her eyes narrowed in accusation. "Is that why you came back here, Becky?"

I sat up straighter, taken aback. "I came here for Matt, actually. Josh had nothing to do with it."

Stacey snorted. "And somehow I don't believe that, either."

Markie nudged me sharply. "I can see how you would think this way, Stacey, but Becky's with Matt now. Aren't you?"

I nodded, though the motion was jerky and unsure. "I'm dating Matt," I said, hearing the quiver in my voice. "Why else would I stay in his room while he's gone? His bed smells like him. It makes it easier." The words were tumbling from my lips before I had time to think things through.

"I knew it!" Leilani exclaimed happily. Markie smiled in an almost arrogant way. I wasn't paying attention to them.

"You've got to believe me," I persisted in my attempt to reach out to Stacey.

After a long, painful silence, she replied. "Fine," her voice was biting and full of fury. "I believe you, Becky. But I don't believe that this is worth it."

"Stacey," I pressed. "Don't break up with him over this. Blame me! Hate me. But don't take this out on him. If I hadn't come back, he wouldn't have to lie."

"You're right," she nodded. "But if he believed that you were truly here for Matt, would he have felt the need to lie in the first place?"

Clearly, she had pieced together a lot more than I would have thought. Maybe when she wasn't talking, she was just observing. And thinking. Even I hadn't begun to think along these lines. Stacey was a lot brighter than I'd given her credit for.

"I already said that I can't answer for him," I sighed in exasperation. "And apparently I can't make you believe that you're missing the good in him. So I'm sorry for everything that happened tonight, but I won't say I'm sorry for coming back. I can't apologize for getting my life back on track and being happy. Don't ask me to stay away, because I can't do that. I'll be wherever Matt is, and that's bound to overlap with Josh from time to time. Just call him and let him explain, because I'm tired of trying and you're not listening anyways. I'll see you at work after the weekend, Leilani. Let's go, Markie. Matt's bed is calling my name."

I pushed back my chair with a bit too much force, and the legs scraped against the floor and caused an echoing screech. I stood up and began to walk away without another word.

"Whoa, calm down," Markie said as she followed close behind me. "I don't know if I've ever seen you this pissed off. If I was you, I probably wouldn't have even defended him."

"It didn't seem to do much good, at any rate."

"But you tried. That should mean something."

"I think I might have made it worse. Would you want your boyfriend's ex trying to rush to his rescue?" I asked, pushing open the door and escaping the loud noise and heat of the club. My ears were ringing dully.

"You have a point," Markie agreed as she tried to hail a cab.

I sat down on the curb and let my face drop heavily into my palms. "Things couldn't get any worse."

"Don't ever say that. As soon as you let yourself believe it, something bad will happen just to prove you wrong."

"Well then you'd better not walk into oncoming traffic. Your ass is bound to get smeared across the pavement."

She smiled, but took a small step father back onto the sidewalk. "There's that optimistic ray of sunshine that I know and love."

I got to my feet as a cab pulled to a stop in front of us. My mind was still whirring so fast that it seemed like Markie should be able to hear my thoughts. I wanted to call Josh, but I didn't know if I should call Matt first or not.

I decided to just wait and see what news I heard in the morning.