This Is Primetime

It was past midnight when Matt finally came home. He seemed surprised to find me waiting up for him.

"Don't you have to work in the morning? I thought you would be in bed when I got home."

"Yeah, but you promised that it would be worth my while."

He stared at me in silence for a long moment. "Seriously? I was kidding, Beck. We don't have to do anything that you're not ready for."

"Look at it this way, Matt, it's been awhile. I'm pretty sure it's been awhile for you, too. We're in a relationship, so what's the big deal? It's not like you're someone that I don't trust," I reasoned.

"Yeah, but you seemed to be having a few issues with us getting closer. I was just trying not to push you into anything."

"You're not pushing. I am," I smirked, then grabbed his wrist and pulled him down the hall toward his bedroom.

"I'm not sure what to think of this new, aggressive side of you," he said, laughter leaking into his voice.

"I'm not either," I admitted.

Matt pulled me close to his chest, and his body heat seeped through my clothes. His breath was warm on my lips, and I didn't think that I could have pulled away if I tried. In that moment, nothing else mattered. Matt had always been a part of me, but this was different. This made it more real. This was a step that, by any means, I should have been more than ready to take. And, for a fleeting instant, I thought that I was.

And then it happened.

Matt gently held my weight as he lowered me down to the mattress. His lips met mine once again, and my fingers tangled in his shaggy hair. His hands slid down my sides, and I started to giggle.

"What?" Matt gave me a crooked smirk as he tried to evaluate my reaction.

"I'm sorry," I gasped, fighting back another flurry of giggles. "There's nothing funny about this. I don't know why I'm laughing."

He waited patiently for me to get it out of my system. As hard as I tried, I couldn't properly suppress it. There was just something about the fact that it was Matt that was touching me that I found incredibly entertaining. After a full minute of untamed giggling, Matt seemed to give up. He rolled over on the bed and lay beside me.

"It's too weird, isn't it?"

"It's just... it's you. I mean that in the best way possible, Matt. I mean, you know me better than anyone else. You've seen me through everything I could ever need you for. But, to be honest, this is something that I can't even wrap my head around. I can't separate myself from that part of me that still thinks of you the way I did in high school. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. We can take things slower."

I pursed my lips, feeling guilty. "I really hate that you have to do that for me."

He kissed my temple. "If you haven't figured out in all these years that I would do anything for you, then you haven't been paying enough attention."

"And then you say something like that, and I feel even worse."

"Why are you beating yourself up so badly?" He asked. "I know this wasn't on purpose. It was a little strange, maybe, but it's not like I'm pissed off about it. You're not ready; so what?"

"But I should be ready," I mumbled, more to myself than to him.

Matt didn't respond. Maybe his silence meant that he was agreeing with me, or maybe he knew that this argument was pointless and would never end if he continued it. Either way, the quiet seemed to expand inside my head and make the whole situation seem a whole lot worse. I had tried to go beyond my barriers, and they had stood firm. And now it was affecting the way that Matt and I communicated. It definitely hadn't been worth it. I had been so consumed with my fears about how sex would change things between Matt and I that I hadn't stopped to think about whether or not lack of sex would do the same thing.

"So what do we do now?" I asked, my voice gaining a bit of volume from the last time I'd spoken.

"We go to sleep. Both of us have to work in the morning." Matt answered simply, setting the alarm on his cell phone.

"I guess that works."

I began to get up, but Matt placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to go, you know. We slept in the same bed in Edmonton. It doesn't mean that anything has to happen between us."

I stayed where I was, debating my options for a long minute. Finally, I gave in and curled up beside him. I decided that I'd done enough damage for one night, and leaving Matt now couldn't possibly improve the situation.

Matt's eyes were closed, but I seriously doubted that he was asleep. I didn't even bother with the charade. I watched his every move, feeling for some strange reason that I needed to. I listened to his steady, calming breathing. That was the thing about Matt; he was always able to calm me down.

I had expected that I wouldn't sleep at all. But the next thing I knew, Matt's arms were shifting, and I was jostled into consciousness. I felt a shiver roll down my spine as the blankets were moved away and I was exposed to the cool surrounding air. I groaned into the pillow and wrapped my arms tighter around myself, pulling at the sleeves of my tee shirt to try and cover more skin.

"Come on, Beck. I know it sucks, but you have to go to work."

"Not this early," I argued. "I have a solid hour before I have to be there."

"But you've got to get ready. I know that Leilani's a friend first and a boss second, but she'll probably have to lay down the law a bit if you show up looking like this."

I reluctantly pried my eyelids apart and looked up at him. As my vision focused, I wondered how someone could possibly look so good after just waking up. Matt's hair was a mess, but it seemed almost like it was styled that way purposely. I was more than used to girls drooling over him, but I was now starting to appreciate the assets that he posessed.

"Are you going to be late again tonight?" I asked him drowsily.

"I'm late every night. Are you going to be waiting up again?"

I sat up and ran a hand through my tangled hair. "I don't know. It won't be for the same purpose as last night, if I do. But maybe I will, just so that we can hang out for a bit."

"Cool," he leaned over, planted a quick kiss on the top of my head, and then headed out of the room. "Get ready for work. I'll drop you off on my way to the studio."

I sighed dramatically, then got to my feet and followed him from the bedroom. "Fine. I'll get myself looking somewhat presentable."

The heat of the shower seemed to momentarily melt away all of my cares. I stayed in a little longer than normal, just trying to absorb a few extra moments of peace before I returned to real life. When I was finished getting ready, I walked out to the kitchen, where Matt was waiting for me.

I began to notice a few small things as we hurried down to the truck. We never bothered with the simple stuff, like holding hands. It was extremely rare for the two of us to show affection around our friends. At first, I had assumed that it was just because of Josh, and the awkwardness that would surely follow if we did anything around him. But we didn't do anything when other people were around, either. To a stranger, we wouldn't look any more like a couple now than we did in high school. It was only when we were alone that we kissed or touched or really did anything intimate at all. I knew that it wasn't due to embarassment - neither of us was ashamed of the other - but it still struck me as strange.

I tried to distract myself with my work, but I was suddenly very deeply bothered by everything. My relationship with Matt was hardly different than my friendship with him. That should have been a good thing, but it made me feel wary. Maybe that was why I was having commitment issues with him; it still felt like he was nothing more than my best friend.

"Becky, you don't look so good," Leilani fretted as she watched me work. "Maybe you should punch out early and go home."

"Thanks, but I think I would only do more harm if I was alone," I replied, balancing some drinks on a tray and preparing to deliver them to the appropriate table.

"What's the matter, then? I know that something's bothering you."

"It's nothing important," I assured her. "I'm just thinking too much, that's all. I'm hoping that I can escape from my own brain while I'm here."

"You don't seem to be very successful."

I set the tray down, ignoring the fact that I should have been serving the waiting customers. "You know that I really care about Matt, right? Honest to God, I love him with all my heart."

Her lips flattened into a thin line as she thought. "I sense a but coming on."

My heart ached as all of my earlier concerns and thoughts came crashing down on me. "But I just can't see this going anywhere. Everytime I try to look past our history and see him as just another guy, something's there stopping me. And I already know what it is; it's fear. I'm absolutely terrified of doing something wrong and losing him. Matt's my best friend; he's way too important to me to leave anything up to chance. He's been out of my life once before and I can't do that again. So now I don't know what to do about any of this."

Leilani had nothing but the utmost sympathy in her kind brown eyes. "What can I do to help? Do you want me to see what Mike thinks?"

I gaped at her in horror. "No! Please, don't get anyone else involved. I really don't want everybody to try and figure it all out for us. I think Matt and I just need to have a really good talk. Maybe he's having the same problems as me."

"Yeah, maybe." Her doubt was clear in her tone. "Just let me know if you want to go home early, okay?"

I nodded, gathering up my tray once more and setting out across the restaurant. I finished my shift without much heart. I was scared to go home, so even after I'd clocked out, I spent about an hour in Leilani's office. She knew that I wasn't interested in discussing my problems with Matt any further, so we chatted about the band and the upcoming album.

Eventually, I had to face the empty apartment. Leilani still had work to do, so I took the bus home. I was unable to focus on anything but my rampant thoughts, so I wound up sitting at the kitchen table to try and sort things out. I was so involved in my own mind that I didn't even notice the silence until it was broken.

The metallic scratching of Matt's key in the lock shook me from my trance.