This Is Primetime

I still hadn't quite figured out what to do with my situation with Beck. I could honestly say that no other girl had ever laughed when faced with the prospect of having sex with me. It should have bruised my ego, rightfully, but I just couldn't be upset about it. I had known for quite some time that she was holding back with me. I couldn't blame her; she was my best friend, and it was petrifying to think that we might mess that up. But on the other hand, I didn't want this to turn into one of those things that left me wondering what might have been.

I was sitting in the corner of the studio, thinking by myself. Josh was recording some vocals for Vertigo, and Mike and Ian were talking amongst themselves. I could hear them, but I was absolutely positive that I wasn't meant to.

"This isn't going to be one of those great albums that never was, is it?" Mike was wondering.

"Of course not. We're going to finish the album, and we're going to make more down the road," Ian assured him. "Josh and Matt are going to be fine. They've stayed friends up until this point, haven't they? They even shared hotel rooms on the last tour. This band is pretty solid. Stop worrying."

I studied a scuff on the toe of my shoe, trying to appear distracted so that they wouldn't know that I was listening in.

"Twenty bucks says she goes back to Josh," Mike grinned.

"Oh yeah? I'll take that bet. Everyone knows that her and Matt should have gotten together years ago," Ian countered.

I found it hard to keep silent. They were actually taking bets on who Becky chose. Was that what my life had become? I hadn't really considered that Becky might actually still prefer Josh. They hadn't been spending much time alone lately, so I'd thought that the threat was over. But now that I actually took the time to consider it, I realized that maybe they were avoiding each other in order to prevent themselves from giving in to temptation. If that was the case, it was only me that was standing in the way.

Mike and Ian switched topics and began talking about some new up-and-coming band that they were going to see in a week or so. Normally, I would have been interested in a new band to watch for, but right now I had a million other things running through my mind.

I'd told her before that I would do anything for her. Maybe things between her and I had run their course. Maybe things were better for everyone before.

The rest of the day seemed endless. All I wanted to do was to go home and talk things out with Becky, but I couldn't leave the studio. I still had work to do. When Josh finished his vocals, he came to sit beside me on a rickety folding chair.

"Are you okay, man?"

"Not really," I admitted.

"What's up?"

I knew that he was wondering if Becky and I were having problems, but he didn't want to sound like a jerk and actually ask me outright.

"I'm just having an epiphany, I think."

"Isn't that usually a good thing? You don't sound very happy."

"It's not exactly the most pleasant thought. I shouldn't be allowed to think this much," I laughed in a slightly hostile way.

We listened as Ian started in with a drum beat. The steady rhythm filled the void in our conversation. I cracked open a bottle of water as I sat there, totally immersed in the music that was being created right before my eyes. I had done my guitar parts earlier this morning, but I had to stick around to do some vocals later on. Not that I would have left anyways. This was way too exciting to miss out on. I'd done it all before, of course, when we'd recorded demos in the old studio, and even when we'd recorded our EP, but this was different. This album was truly what was going to make or break our careers. But I knew that all of us would rather start over from scratch in a couple of years than make a record that we couldn't be proud of just so that it would sell.

When I was recording my vocals a little while later, it was fairly easy to distract myself. I had to focus on the words that Josh had spent so much time writing, and, in this particular song, at least, they had nothing to do with Becky.

"Hey, man, I think you need a break," Josh said as I left the recording booth and rejoined everyone in the control room. "Maybe you should go home a little early today."

"I'm fine," I protested. "If anyone needs a break, it's you. Did you sleep at all last night?"

"I've been sleeping about as well as I do on tour. That's the best I can hope for. But I know something's really bugging you, and I'm pretty sure that it has to do with your girlfriend. You were normal when you left here last night, but today you've hardly said two words. So go home and figure it all out with her."

"I don't really want to. It's not going to end well."

Josh looked suddenly concerned. "What's up with you two? You seem so... perfect."

I took a deep breath to try and gather my thoughts. "I thought things would be easy with her. But everytime I think we're getting closer, things just get more complicated."

"You know that no relationship is ever effortless, right?"

"It sure seemed that way when she was with you."

Josh laughed, and it echoed in the small room. "We were kids! Her biggest problem in life was that she didn't have a car. I can guarantee that it wouldn't be that simple if we were together now. Although that whole drug addiction thing would be in the past; that might be a plus."

"But I can tell that she still sees me as her best friend. She's having a lot of problems getting past it, and we just aren't in sync with one another. I think it might be time to let her go."

All humor was washed from his features and he cocked his head slightly to one side. "Seriously? Are you sure?"

"I miss the way things used to be. When she didn't expect everything to have to lead to something else. My friendship with her was as natural as breathing. It's not that I don't like being with her, its just that I think we're better off as friends."

"If that's what you think is best," Josh said slowly. "But I really think you might be being a little hasty here."

I pulled my hoodie closed and zipped it up, anxious to find something to do with my hands. "Look, if you want to go after her, I-"

"I wouldn't do that to you. You should know that already."

"-Give you my blessing," I finished, ignoring his argument. "Just don't do anything in front of me for a little while. I think I'm going to take your advice and head out early. I've got to go and talk all of this out with Beck. I'll text you later and tell you how it goes, okay?"

Josh was staring, open-mouthed, as I stepped past him and left the studio. I didn't know how much of the conversation Mike and Ian had heard, but I wasn't really concerned about it. I was trying to work up all of my courage on the way home, but I was scared. I didn't want to hurt Beck. I really hoped that it would come as a relief to her. I hoped that everything would just go back to normal.

When I walked into the apartment, I stopped short. Beck was sitting alone at the kitchen table, her fingers interlaced. She looked up at me, seeming dazed.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, sitting down across from her and trying to figure out what was wrong.

She blinked a few times, then focused on me. "I don't know, Matt. I think we might need to talk," her voice was faint.

"You're right; we do need to talk. About last night-"

"I'm really sorry," she interjected.

"Stop apologizing," I commanded. "It just made me realize a couple of things. You keep trying to compensate for something that isn't your fault. You can't change the way that you feel. And you definitely can't help the fact that we're better off as friends."

Her mouth fell open a bit and her eyes glazed over. "You... what?"

"You agree, don't you?"

"Yes, but I didn't think that you did."

I reached across the table and wrapped my hands around hers. "Beck, you're my best friend. I'm starting to worry that this sorry attempt at dating is going to compromise that. And that's the last thing in the world that I want. So if that means that we go back to just being friends, and you go run off with Josh, then so be it."

"I'm not going to-"

"Don't worry about it. I know that you were happiest when you were with him, and believe it or not, I would rather see you happy that way than watch you settle with me."

A silent tear spilled over the edge of her eyelid and left a wet trail down her cheek. "Nobody who's with you could ever be settling. You're the single greatest guy that I have ever met. And I don't want to have to go."

A surge of panic raced through me. "What do you mean? I don't want you to leave, Becky. This is your home. You belong here."

"But don't you think things are going to get awkward?"

"Only if we let them. You and Josh deserve to be together. Just give me some time before you do anything in front of me, okay? Wait until I bounce back a bit and then it'll be fine."

"I'm not," she paused for a minute as her voice broke, then continued. "I'm not going to go back to Josh right away, if I do at all. That's not fair to you, and it's too soon for me. I really do love you, Matt, just not in the way that I should."

I knew that she was trying to apologize without actually verbalizing the words, but I thought it would have been easier if she stopped being so nice about it. I was so concerned about her state of mind that I ignored her constant compliments.

"It's okay, Beck," I got to my feet and walked around the table. I hauled her up to a standing position and pulled her into a hug. "We tried, and it didn't work. That doesn't mean that anything has to change. I just want things to go back to normal."

"Yeah, me too."

"So what are you waiting for, then? When you and Josh were together, that was normal."

She hesitated. I didn't know why I felt so inclined to push the two of them toward one another. Maybe Mike's confidence that they would end up together had gotten to me. Maybe deep down I knew that she still loved him. Somehow I felt that everything would be better if they were a couple.

Everything would be normal.