This Is Primetime

I watched as Matt disappeared into his bedroom. The boy was a martyr. I knew that he had only broken things off because he knew that I wasn't in it like I should have been. His selflesness didn't make me feel any better about the situation. I just wished I knew how badly he was hurting right now. Maybe he was okay with it. That was the best that I could hope for.

The only thing that I knew for sure was that I needed to be somewhere else; I needed to be doing something to occupy myself.

I pulled a sweater on and grabbed my keys, then slipped out of the apartment as quietly as I could. I didn't want to steal Matt's truck, so I set off on foot. I wasn't thinking about where I was going, but my feet seemed to lead me in one direction. Within an hour, I was walking under the pale halo of light underneath one of the streetlights on Acadia Road. I hadn't even noticed where I was until then. I found myself walking up and down the street, debating knocking on the familiar door. Just as I was crossing the driveway for the fifth time, I found myself bathed in the yellow glow of a pair of headlights. I stepped out of the path of the car as it pulled up in front of the garage and parked.

My stomach twisted. Anyone that lived in this house would know who I was. Even if I came to my senses and went back home, someone was bound to tell Josh that I'd been hanging out outside. I only got more tense as I looked at which car had just driven up.

"Becky?" Josh asked as he climbed out of the driver's seat.

"I'm sorry," I said, walking toward him. "I didn't know where else to go."

"What happened?" He reached out to give me a comforting hug, and I slowly accepted the offer.

"Matt and I broke up."

He sighed. "I didn't think he'd actually do it."

I pulled back just enough to look up at his face. "You knew about it?"

"He may have mentioned something about it earlier today. I honestly thought he'd reconsider. I figured he would get home, take one look at you, and realize that he was making a mistake."

I shook my head. "No, he wasn't making a mistake. It's really the best thing. We're better off this way."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I just didn't want to be at home. Somehow I wound up here."

Josh glanced down the road, frowning. "You walked?"

I nodded. "I didn't want to take Matt's truck or anything like that. And I just plain hate riding the bus late at night."

He released me from the hug, leaving one consoling arm around my shoulders. "Come inside. We can talk in there, okay?"

He guided me up the driveway and up the single step before opening the door and directing me inside. He led me past the kitchen and toward the stairs, in the direction of his bedroom in the basement. I knew that was the only place in the house that we wouldn't be interrupted.

"Josh? Is that you? You're home a bit early tonight." Josh's mother's voice rang out through the house.

"Yeah, it's me."

She appeared in the room just before we descended the stairs. "Oh, Becky, I didn't realize that you were here too. How are you?"

"Mom," Josh cut in before I had a chance to answer. "She's had a tough day. She just came here to talk about it."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just off to bed anyways," she excused herself. She flashed me a pleasant, motherly look before she disappeared again.

Josh ushered me downstairs and into his room.

"Does she wait up for you every night?" I had always loved Josh's family; his mom especially. The woman was adorable, to put it simply.

"Yeah, she does. But that's not really why you came here, is it?"

I sat down on his bed, resting my elbows on my knees. "I don't know why I came here, to be honest. I had no intentions of winding up here. The funny part is, Matt told me to come find you."

"He said something along those lines to me, too."

I gazed up at Josh, wondering why Matt had done it. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to be with Josh again. The idea was certainly inviting. But I still felt like I would be betraying Matt somehow, even though he was the one to first plant the idea in our heads.

"Why do you think he said it?" I asked.

"He's not blind, you know. He was bound to notice that we're still not over each other."

"But I was being so careful. I can't even remember the last time I was alone with you."

Josh gave me a patronizing smile. "You don't think that was a hint?"

"So what are we going to do now? Why is it that things are the most confusing when they should be the simplest?" I fell back onto his mattress, breathing in the familiar scent of his blankets. I missed this; being here with Josh.

Josh appeared to be deep in thought for a long, silent moment. "Do you remember the day that you said goodbye to me in rehab?"

I stared at him as if he was delirious. "Do you think I could ever forget?"

"I promised you a lot that day. I haven't followed through on some of it yet."

I sat up again, arching an eyebrow. "You found me again. That's all that I made you promise."

He shook his head, his eyebrows pulling together. "No, you told me that you didn't want to live in a world without me. You made me promise that we still had a future," he rushed over to his closet, pulling open the door and digging around on one of the shelves. He retrieved a small bundle and tucked it under his arm before sitting beside me on the bed. "I know we've had a rough past, but you need to decide if we have a future."

I watched him for a minute, then let my eyes wander down to the object he'd taken from his closet. He noticed my curiosity, and held it out to me. My breath caught. It was the book I'd given him when I'd had to say goodbye. I took it carefully from his fingers, flipping slowly through the pages. The images that each page contained were blurred as my tears infected my vision. I was shaking by the time I reached the end of the small photo album. There was a folded piece of paper wedged behind the last photograph. Gently, I took it out and opened it.

Hello, I've waited here for you. Everlong.

I couldn't get past the first line. It was so hard to relive the unbearable pain that I'd felt back then. There had been a time when I'd honestly felt that I couldn't go on. If I read this letter, it would be like pressing repeat and watching the saddest day of my life all over again. I closed my eyes and held the paper at arm's length, as though that would erase the words from its surface. Josh pulled it from my limp grasp and set it on the floor before he inched closer to me.

"It was so funny to me that you used Everlong by the Foo Fighters as the introduction to that letter," he mused.

"I couldn't find any other words that were good enough."

He leaned his head in until his forehead made light contact with mine. "After you left, it defined our whole relationship for me. I still can't hear it without thinking of you." His tone dropped and his voice was barely above a whisper. "And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever; if anything will ever feel this good again."

Following his lead, I sang under my breath. "The only thing I'll ever ask of you; you got to promise not to stop when I say when."

"She sang."

"It took me a solid week to write that letter."

"I read it every single day in rehab. I just wanted to make you proud."

A couple of stray tears drifted slowly down my face. "You never had to earn that. I was always proud of you. I still am, and I always will be."

"Why does it feel like we haven't been properly reunited? This is how that first conversation back in Edmonton should have gone. I missed you so much, Becky."

The tears multiplied at a rapid pace. "I guess we both had to try and get our fill of the rest of the world before we could come back to one another."

He broke out his biggest smile, straightening his posture and brushing away my tears with a swipe of his thumb. "The rest of the world sucks."

His happy demeanor was instantly contagious, and I found myself grinning along with him.

"I hate the rest of the world," I agreed. "Except Matt and the guys. And Leilani. And Markie, of course. And then there's my parents. And your family, and Matt's family."

"I get it," Josh laughed. "Not everybody else is truly terrible."

I stared into his intense gaze, then reached up and rested my hand on his cheek. "But nobody else is this amazing."

His eyes sparkled magically. "So we have a future?"

I laughed lightly. "We always had a future. We just need to take it a bit slower this time around, okay?"

"Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"But, like, really slow. Baby steps is too fast right now," I added for further clarification. I needed Josh to know that I wasn't ready for anything too serious just yet.

"Snail's pace; got it," he nodded bluntly. "When's a good time for a first date? In three months or so?" I knew that he was joking, but he kept a completely sincere expression.

"Well you don't have much spare time these days, so I guess it won't be until you're done in the studio." I found myself staring at him in a way that I hadn't allowed myself in far too long. There was a reason that I hadn't been able to get over him. He was just so... indescribable. "Because of that," I continued, beginning to close the gap between us. "Maybe we shouldn't actually start anything official until tomorrow. There'll be tons of time to take it slow after that."

Josh caught on to my intentions and swiftly leaned in toward me. His lips were on mine, but this time there was nothing being held back. Every emotion that I'd suppressed for Josh since my return to Vancouver was released, and I couldn't seem to get enough of the feeling of freedom that followed. This was the way that things were supposed to be; this was finally real for me again.

"Matt will notice if you don't come home," Josh murmured, pulling back for a brief instant before delving back into the kiss.

His words made me freeze on the spot. Hadn't I been worried about Matt only minutes before? How was Josh able to change my view so quickly? He noticed my sudden disinterest in his lips, and he peered at me through his long lashes.

"Are you okay?"

I blinked a few times, then looked back at him. "I was wrong. We need to take things slow until we know for sure how it will affect Matt. I can't hurt him any more than I already have."

I could tell by Josh's expression that he was upset with himself for mentioning Matt. He composed himself quickly as he took in what I said.

"You're right. Snail's pace," he repeated. "I'd rather take things super slow than not at all. I'll drive you home, okay? I don't want you walking home in the middle of the night."

"Sounds perfect. It'll be like a trip down memory lane. How many times did you drive me home back in high school?"

He smirked at me. "Something tells me that it's going to happen a lot these days, too. Why don't you have a car?"

"Because I left it in Edmonton when I picked up my whole life and came back here."

"Was it worth it?"

I gave him a genuinely happy smile. "Of course it was. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat."

"All of it? Really?"

"It all led back to you, didn't it?"