Poser.
"Pose for me."
Where skin meets skin, something new is created.
In a bed, in a room, in an apartment, in a building, in a city skin is meeting skin. Young skin; pale, soft and flexible, is pressed hard into old skin; experienced, wrinkled, tan and tattooed, and there's a contrast so great and beautiful. The young man sighs softly and tilts his head back and slightly to the left, as lips make their way up over the sensitive skin. Lips of a man that have been with twice as many people as Gerard has experienced years.
He shudders as the thought crosses his mind, but he leaves it there, instead of pushing it to the back of his mind like he usually would. That thought used to freak him out, the thought of him being with a man almost twenty years older than him. The thought of him falling in love with a man almost twenty years older than him was crazy; it wasn't something that would happen, ever. He wasn't... He's not gay.
But the touch of Frank's lips and skin on his own has always made him feel things that cause him to think otherwise. Just the sight of Frank sent a whole arch of animals to wreak havoc in his gut, and the feeling of Frank's eyes on him caused shivers to run up his spine.
Frank with a camera in his hands is one of the most arousing things he has ever seen, and knowing that he is what Frank is seeking out through the lens makes it even better. With every click of the shutter, Frank is saving yet another moment in time of his absurd fantasies. He's never been proud of what he has felt for Frank ever since they first met, but as long as his mind doesn't get too carried away while he's working, it actually makes it easier. Standing half naked in front of a camera and trying to look sexy was never difficult when it was Frank who handled the camera, and his agency hired Frank most of the time since they knew how much better his photos were compared to anyone else's.
He still remembers the first time he worked with Frank, the immediate connection he felt between them, and how natural it was to pose for him and his camera. Like always, there had been at least five other people in the room: his agent, a makeup artist who applied new makeup every minute, people from the company they were currently working with... He was surrounded by people, but the only one he focused on was this man that he had never even met before.
He wasn't bothered by the dark eyes that followed every move he made through the lens, like he would usually be when he worked with a new photographer. It felt comfortable to be in front of Frank, to have those eyes wandering over his naked chest and downwards to his happy trail and to the tight jeans that they were shooting for.
Frank looked happy throughout the whole session, a pleased smile, maybe even a smirk, playing on his pink lips. A small golden ring adorned the left side of his bottom lip, as well as another ring in the right nostril and plugs in each of his ear lobes. It suited him very well, making him look young and rebellious like a teenager, even though Gerard knew he was at least thirty. He had what seemed like hundreds of tattoos running up and down his bare arms and hands, a few peeking out from his collar, and when he bent over, Gerard couldn't help but see some at the small of his back too, as his shirt rode up.
Gerard didn't exactly consider Frank to be good-looking, or handsome, or sexy as soon as he met him. He was a nice person to be around, looked fresh and fit for his age, and a casual friendship developed between the two men as they worked together at least once every week.
He only realized in what way he liked Frank when he felt jealous over him. There was a day, a few months after they met and started working together, when Frank brought a friend to work with him. That's how he introduced him, and Gerard didn't see anything weird about it. There's nothing strange about holding your friend around the back, really. But when he saw them kissing, it felt as if his insides were on fire. It didn't make sense to him, that he would feel that way. Frank was a man. A man nearly twenty years older than him.
That day was the best photo shoot he had done in quite a while, and he knew it just by looking at the grin on Frank's face. Hearing Frank's usual outbursts of "Come on, baby, work that sexy body of yours," and "Fabulous, now just gimme that smirk," only encouraged him in his want to shine for Frank. Nothing had ever felt so good as to hear Frank exclaim "That's gorgeous, Gee!" once they were done, and he melted into the tattooed man's embrace.
"Gee..." Frank breathes quietly, moving his lips gently to the front of Gerard's chin and then to his lips that were eagerly kissing back. "You're amazing," Frank murmurs against his lips, running his rough hands over Gerard's soft and smooth body, gently caressing the chest he has admired from afar for too long.
Gerard drapes his arms around Frank's shoulders, holding him in place as they kiss for a long time. They're both naked under the warm covers of the bed, skin meeting skin and sharing warmth. The weight of Frank's body on top of his own is comfortable, and if it was possible, he wouldn't want them to ever move again. They could stay like this forever, in the bed, in Frank's apartment. Kissing.
The first time they kissed, the first time they did anything besides friendly hugs and talking, was a day that Gerard will never be able to forget. The way Frank looked at him, all the way from when he walked in the door to Frank's studio to when they started shooting, to when they finished and Gerard went to change back into his clothes. There was something in the glossy orbs, maybe in the crowfeet around the eyes, and the way he pursed his lips.
Gerard had been asked to be on the cover of a novel that was to be released later that year. He didn't know what it was about or why they wanted this kind of image, but he was asked to look vulnerable and lonely. They had asked for him to be completely naked too, and although he had never done anything like that before, wearing boxers at least, for underwear ads, he agreed to do it. A part of him was curious about how Frank would react, if he would react in any way at all.
Frank stared. More than usual, that is.
Gerard knew for sure that Frank was gay, and he knew that Frank was single again. It had been two months since Frank brought his boyfriend to the studio, and some time between these two occurrences, the relationship had ended. Gerard knew that because Frank had called him one night and cried for a bit, before persuading him to go out and have a drink with him. Gerard had hoped that something would happen once they got drunk enough, but Frank only proceeded to tell Gerard all about his ex.
Gerard had put him in a taxi home, and the next time they saw each other, Frank was his usual self, smiling and hugging him. Flirting innocently with him to get as good pictures as possible, and Gerard felt even more comfortable after that. He didn't even feel that bad about the few occasions he'd let his fantasies of Frank get the upper hand and he'd jerked off to them.
That day, Frank didn't talk to him before they started working like he normally would. He didn't greet him with a hug when he got there, and he didn't come in to chat as he got his makeup or hair done. They talked briefly as Frank directed him into a position that looked good from Frank's angle, but other than that, it was a very awkward photo shoot.
The pictures turned out good, because with Frank and the camera glaring at him, Gerard couldn't help but feel vulnerable. His eyes met Frank's several times, and there was something strange in them, something intimidating, but also something caring. There was want, and that force that was fighting it, and Gerard felt weak, exposed as he was to all of it. He still didn't know why he felt that attraction for the older man, but he wondered if Frank could really feel the same when Gerard was so much younger. He hoped he would, but at the same time he wished for the opposite because it would be better for both of them if they just remained friends.
They stopped once Frank was pleased with the result and he had run out of film. Frank smiled at him as Gerard stood up from his sitting position, taking a robe from one of the assistants to wrap around himself. He started walking towards him, but as he neared, Frank disappeared around one corner or another, and after that, Gerard simply could not find him anywhere.
Giving up, he went back to the changing room he always used, seeking some privacy to think, come back down from the excitement he had felt when Frank was looking at him, taking pictures of him. Even if it was his career, Gerard wondered if Frank ever got too interested or involved with anyone he worked with. Gerard could only hope and fantasize, and have a cool shower, wanting to relax and get rid of his arousal with a less vocal method. It did help, and he gladly stayed in there for a long time after he'd turned the temperature up again.
When he finally stepped back out and wrapped a towel around his waist, it was late, and most people had already left the studio. The only ones who were still in the building were him, and Frank. He'd only put his jeans on, and combed through his hair with his fingers when Frank opened the door, not bothering to knock first.
"I didn't know you were still here," Frank said, and Gerard spun around, startled at the sound as he had not heard Frank enter the room. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," the older man apologized, giving Gerard a small smile as he stepped further into the room. His eyes wandered subtly over Gerard's bare chest, water drops trickling down from his hair and over the pale skin.
"It's okay, and yeah, I was just having a shower," Gerard said, shrugging slightly and trying to look at anything but Frank. "Get any decent photos today?" he added when Frank didn't say anything, and the older man nodded.
"Yeah, they were great as always. It seems kinda impossible to get bad pictures when they're of you," Frank said and smiled, finally taking his piercing eyes away from Gerard's bare chest, and instead looking at random things in the room. "You think you're gonna be done soon? I was just locking up when I found you." Gerard nodded, but before he could reply properly, Frank continued. "Good thing I did, or you'd be locked up in here all weekend."
Gerard laughed softly, "Yeah, I'm glad that didn't happen." He turned around, picking up his t-shirt from the counter to put it on, but as he raised it to tug it over his head, there was a hand on his arm and he turned around, facing Frank again. A pair of lips brushed against his own for a very short moment.
After a sudden sharp intake of breath, he slowly eased out a shaky breath. "Frank..." The older man kissed him again, and even though it felt like fumbling in the dark because he'd never kissed a man before, he kissed him back. The t-shirt was dropped to the floor as Gerard's hands tangled in Frank's messy brown hair, and the older man's rough hands slid over Gerard's smooth chest.
Gerard moaned against Frank's lips and tongue as he was backed up against the counter, one of Frank's experienced hands toying with his erect, sensitive nipples. The older man's lips broke away from Gerard's, eagerly making their way down his neck, as both of his hands kept going south and reached the waist of Gerard's jeans.
"Frank," Gerard gasped out as Frank's fingers eased the button and fly open, letting Gerard's erection spill out into his eager touch. A moan drifted from his mouth, and he wondered if it was good or bad that he hadn't bothered with underwear after his shower. "Frank, we shouldn't." Bringing his hands down to Frank's shoulders, he pushed him away weakly, fighting the urge to just give in and throw himself back at the older man.
"Just let me do this, Gee," Frank said, kissing his neck and pushing Gerard's pants down a few inches, before wrapping his hand around him and dragging a deep moan from Gerard's throat. Gerard's arms returned to wrap around Frank's neck, eagerly pushing himself closer to his body. He couldn't help but to thrust into Frank's hand, lifting one of his legs up to wrap around Frank's middle as Frank's free hand caressed the back of his thigh.
He had never felt so pleasured from just a hand job, and afterwards he wondered if the orgasm was so spectacular only because it was with a man, with Frank. He couldn't get sounds of any kind to leave his lips, let alone form words or sentences, so when he finally came, he gave Frank no warning. Frank's hand kept moving until he was completely finished, and Gerard collapsed against his body, breathing heavily and shaking all over.
Gerard's face pressed against Frank's tattooed neck, before the older man's hand curled in Gerard's hair and brought his face out in the open so he could kiss him. The twenty-one year old kissed back eagerly, already addicted to the taste and feel of Frank's rather dry lips. The dark stubble on Frank's cheeks felt itchy against Gerard's hands as he cupped his face, clinging to him and tasting and feeling.
"Gee," Frank murmured, pushing lightly on Gerard's chest. "Gee, hey, just slow down for a bit," he said again, a little more persistent, holding Gerard's face in a firm grip and separating their lips. Gerard breathed shakily onto Frank's face, gazing into his dark and passionate, but still caring eyes. "What do you want, Gee?" Frank kissed the corner of Gerard's mouth, pulling away quickly before Gerard had a chance to kiss back.
Nothing more was said for a few minutes, there were only the sounds of heavy breathing and rough hands sliding over smooth skin. No smacking from lips meeting and pulling away, no soft rustling from clothes being removed, no gentle whispers or moans that teased the air.
Then, Gerard pulled away. Hands on the older man's still clothed chest, he pushed him away, gaze diverted to a spot somewhere behind Frank. His breathing sounded labored, sad, as he turned around, withdrawing his hands and fixing his pants. He didn't feel comfortable bending over to pick his t-shirt up off the floor in front of Frank, but he did so anyway, crouching down carefully and standing up again as soon as he had it.
Tears stung in his eyes as he slipped the shirt over his head, but he fought them back and turned around, wearing his most neutral facial expression. "This never happened, okay? Don't speak of it to anyone, especially not me." His voice was cold, metallic and mechanic sounding. Not his usual soft one. "It was a mistake, we shouldn't have..." His voice broke and he turned around again, not able to bear looking at Frank's disappointed, but still not surprised face.
"It's okay," the older man said, placing a soothing hand on Gerard's shoulder.
"No, it's not. If this gets out, if anybody finds out, my career is over," Gerard snapped, running one hand through his hair in an annoyed manner. Frank looked at him calmly, sympathy laced within the golden brown of his irises.
"It's okay, I get it," he sighed, and Gerard finally grabbed his bag and walked out of the room and the studio. He fought the tears in his eyes all the way home on the subway, and as soon as he stepped into his shitty little apartment, it was as if the wind got knocked out of him. He slid down against the door, just crying and wishing that things didn't have to be so complicated.
Frank pulls away, just a little bit, and their eyes meet. It's difficult to make it out in the dark, but both pairs of brown eyes are bright and excited, caring and happier than either man has ever been before. Gerard can feel the older man's erection against his thigh, and nerves are bubbling up in his stomach as he reaches up and reattaches his lips to Frank's. It only lasts for a second, though.
"You okay?" Frank asks softly, nudging Gerard's cheek with his nose as the younger man turns his face away. He looks towards where he knows the window is, but the curtains are drawn so he can't see the night sky outside of their cave-like room. "We don't have to, you know that." He bites the lobe of Gerard's exposed ear, tugging on it gently, and a soft whine arises from Gerard's throat. "We can wait till you get back. It's only a month, right?"
"Yeah. I know, but I want to."
Gerard made sure to always keep a distance between himself and Frank after what happened. He talked as little as possible to the photographer, and if he really needed to, he made sure to always have his agent or someone else there next to him. He never stayed after the sessions, but threw on some clothes and ran out the door as soon as he was allowed to.
He didn't even want to be in that room, his dressing room in Frank's studio, just because of what he, they, had done in there. He had to though, unless he wanted to explain to someone why he didn't want that room anymore, and that wasn't an option. He always just changed quickly and, instead of lingering for whatever reason he had found before, he left the room.
Gerard was ashamed of the way he acted, the way he just shut Frank out of his life. They had been friends, good ones, and he let one stupid mistake ruin that. He felt bad for the sad, lonely, disappointed expression on Frank's face whenever he dared look, and he wished he could just erase the longing that hid deep inside of Frank's eyes. He wished he could erase the longing from inside himself as well, to wipe it out and delete it from existence, but he couldn't.
Like before, he'd sneak glances at Frank whenever the older man was not facing in his direction, and the sight was always just as painful to bear. It was a lot worse than before the 'incident' too, because now he had tasted it, Frank's lips and kisses, and he wanted more. More of his touches and embraces, and just small random conversations that they used to have before shooting. He missed the encouraging words and flirting phrases that Frank would throw at him in the middle of every session, meaning it.
It was almost just as before when he used to fantasize about the photographer, when he'd be able to think of nothing but him during the photo shoots and just wish for him to... notice him, or do something. Then, it happened. He could no longer remember what he had once hoped would happen between them, what he had dreamed of, how he wanted their happily ever after to be carried out. How he had been fooling himself for so long, he had no idea. Somewhere in the back of his head he had always known that it was stupid, that it would be a social and public suicide for him to be in a relationship with a male photographer almost twice his age.
Weeks passed like that, and then, they turned into one month, and that month became several. Gerard tried to live his life normally, like he had before he had met Frank. He tried to tell himself that Frank was just another photographer, someone who didn't matter, and slowly he almost started believing it, but only almost. He dated, meeting a nice girl through work that he got along with nicely. She was pretty too, dark blue eyes and dark blonde hair and, unlike a lot of female models, her body wasn't one of a stick figure's, but medium-sized and curved.
He didn't love her, though. She was just nice company, someone to talk to and hang out with. Someone to take his mind off of other things, to distract him. She was more of a friend to him than anything else, except for the fact that she wasn't just a friend, but someone who kept his bed warm whilst he yearned for someone else to hold him. It was nice during the few months it lasted, but Gerard wasn't sad when it ended, and neither was she, as far as he knew.
Once he was single again, things started getting worse, not only concerning his mental and emotional state, but his working situation was getting less good. Working with Frank was harder than ever and, when not even those photos ever turned out good, the ones by other photographers weren't doing anything for his career either. So that's when Gerard's agent decided that he should go somewhere else, to Europe, to work. She believed that if he got new surroundings, met new people and got into a different culture, he would be able to work like he used to. Gerard didn't object, he agreed that he would be able to focus more if he just got away from New York, from Frank. So he was going to Paris, ten months after his thing with Frank.
"You're beautiful," Gerard sighs, gazing up into Frank's mesmerizing eyes. They're glowing in the dark as the older man grins and closes the gap between their lips with a deep and sensual kiss, where tongues meet and nimble fingers caress cheeks and shoulders and backs. Frank rolls them over on the bed, still between the warm sheets, and looks up at Gerard who's supporting himself on his elbows, placed on either side of Frank's head.
"I'm too old to be considered beautiful." The words ring in Gerard's head, but he knows they're not true. Frank may have wrinkles and lots of tattoos, some of which are slightly faded, and his body may not be as perfectly toned as it once was, but he's perfect in Gerard's eyes. "I'm old, and you're not," the older man sighs, running a finger along the contour of Gerard's cheekbone.
"You're not old, just experienced." They kiss for what seems like the hundredth time tonight, lips and hands easily conveying what words alone cannot speak. Pressing light kisses along Frank's jaw, his lips wander to his ear, and a shiver goes through both of their bodies as he speaks, once more, with words. "And I want you, now."
The last month before Gerard was scheduled to leave for France and Paris, he was almost completely free from work. He only had a few photo shoots left, ones that had been booked weeks and even months back in time, but he didn't mind. The few jobs he had left were rather laid back and relaxed too, so there wasn't that extreme pressure on him, like there used to be.
His last session with Frank was about three weeks before he was leaving for Europe, and although he was relieved that he wouldn't have to be bothered by Frank anymore while he worked after that photo shoot, he knew he was going to miss it. More than he already did, since he still wished he could go back to how it was before that day when they kissed. His only hope was to find someone like that in Paris, someone who he could have that with, who could make him feel more comfortable in front of the camera than anyone else.
The last time they worked together was different from how anything had been during the last ten or so months. The looks that they both gave one another weren't the fifty percent longing/fifty percent resentment like they usually were, but there was something else. In Frank's face, Gerard could make out resignation, amongst other emotions, and he himself felt more desperate and needy for Frank's touch and kiss than ever before.
He changed in his dressing room, still the same one that him and Frank had fooled around in almost a year earlier. Fooling around wasn't the best expression to use for what they had done, though. It sounded much too juvenile and childish, like something that teenagers would say and, even if Gerard wasn't that much older, Frank was far from his teens. They hadn't been fooling around anyway; they were very much into it, definitely meaning everything. Every touch, every kiss; Gerard often looked back at it, reliving the care in everything Frank did.
When Gerard changed that day, he was sure that, for a second, someone was watching him from the door. Someone with dark hair and tattoos that he caught a glimpse of in the mirror.
When he returned from the dressing room to the room where they were shooting, Frank's assistant was still setting up the lighting and other technical things that Gerard never fully understood. He waited for the set to be finished, occasionally talking to his agent or other people, until there was a light tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face Frank. There was a moment of awkward silence, exchanges of strange glances, and a bubbly feeling in Gerard's gut.
"I don't think they'll be finished with the set for a while, so I was just thinking that maybe we could talk?" Frank said, speaking too quickly for Gerard to comprehend all of it. He understood the last part though and, with a nod, he followed Frank down the hallway to his office. It was uncomfortable to be alone with Frank after so long, but he knew it was probably for the best. Whatever Frank might have to say, it seemed like it was meant for Gerard's ears only, and Gerard was glad that Frank thought so.
"So, you're leaving." It was not as much a question as a statement, and although Gerard was confused, he nodded. Frank must have known about Gerard's less than good work as of lately, so it didn't make sense that he was suddenly confronting him about leaving New York. Frank wasn't even looking at him, but glancing down at some papers on his desk which he simply leaned against.
"Yeah, in a few weeks... yeah," Gerard replied, not sure what to say or do, or where to look. "I'll do some work in Paris for a while, to begin with, and then I'll possibly go to Italy. I don't think I'll stay anywhere for too long, though. I'll get homesick and just want to get back here." He forced a smile and looked up at Frank who had a funny look on his face.
"That's pretty much what I said twenty years ago when I left Milan." Frank chuckled. "I grew up there, lived there for over twenty years and learned all about fashion and photography. I met a beautiful girl and fell in love there. And then I left, saying that I would come back as soon as I had seen the world." His voice was bittersweet. "What happened was, I came here. I met a man, and he taught me about New York, America. He taught me how to speak English, and to feel good." Frank's brown eyes came up to look straight into Gerard's. "After that, there was nothing for me to go back to. Everything was here."
"What happened to that guy then?" Gerard asked, wondering if the point Frank was trying to make would apply to him. Maybe Frank was just trying to persuade him into staying.
"I think he went to Brazil, to do some business-work-sort of thing." Frank shrugged, sitting down on the desk completely, and crossing his legs, the right one over the left. "What I'm trying to say, though, is that even when he left me, I stayed here. I could have gone back home, to my family, to my friends, to my lover, or whatever she was. But I didn't go. I was too enchanted by the city, and by the different way of living, and I couldn't give that up. I didn't want to give photography up. I knew I would never make it, even by working with great designers in Milan, so returning home would only result in me heading back to my parents farm to work there."
Gerard listened, but he couldn't see any similarities between the basics of his own life and the story that Frank was telling him. When he would return to America, he would still have a career here, his agent made sure of that, even if it would remain very low-key until he shaped up again and started making good photos. He was coming back, he had promised everybody he knew that he would be back within just a few months. He loved New York too much, and Jersey where he had grown up.
"I did what was best for me, what would make me happy, and what would fulfill my dreams." The older man smiled. "Had I gone back there, I would have worked out in the fields, doing hard and dirty work, and it wouldn't have made me happy in the slightest. If I had gone back, I would have married that girl, had a bunch of kids and lived life as a faithful Catholic. I don't have to comply with any duties like that here. I've had more lovers than I can remember, lived life to the fullest, and it brought me here. To you."
Frank's eyes softened and he smiled up at Gerard. "I want you to do the same. Live your life for yourself. Be happy, fulfill your dreams, make love, and art, and just care about yourself. If you feel at home in Paris, don't let anyone back here stop you from staying there. I'm not asking you to stay there, or to stay here, but to stay wherever you want to be. I care about you, and I want you to do that. Not for me, but for yourself."
"Frank..." Gerard started, but Frank interrupted him before he could continue.
"Today may well be the last time I get to work with you, and the last time I ever see you, so I just want to make sure that you live right from now on. Choose wisely over what you want to do with your life. That's all I need you to do to be happy." The finality in Frank's voice told Gerard that the older man was done speaking, and when the man walked out of the office, he knew that they were supposed to start working.
Frank's words, Frank's entire life story was buzzing in Gerard's head all the way through the session and, for the first time, he really wondered what would make him happy. His first answer was that going to Europe to get his modeling career set straight, and to pursue it for as long as he could, was what would make him happy in the end, but then he realized that that might force him to live less. He knew that living life as a public person is tough, and that you can't really do whatever you feel like doing in case some critic disapproves; in fact, he has already lived a year in fear of the wrong people finding out about his infatuation with another man.
Would he be happy pretending to be someone he wasn't? Even if he got over Frank, would he fall for another member of the same sex? Would he have to pretend to be straight, to lure girls into being with him just to feel less lonely, even if they meant nothing to him? Did he want to be a poser for the rest of his life, pretending to be something that he wasn't, just because the world, and himself, are still too afraid to admit that what he was feeling was real, and that it was beautiful and worth some admiration?
He wasn't sure.
Frank is on top of Gerard again, his strong, powerful body towering up over Gerard's. The younger man's hands are carefully working their way up and down his tan and tattooed chest, feeling the muscles flex underneath his fingertips as they follow a pattern of the huge chest tattoo that somewhat resembles a spider's web. Gerard isn't sure if that's what it is though, knowing of Frank's slight fear of the small eight-legged creatures.
"Can I take a picture of you?" Frank whispers, leaning down to kiss Gerard's lips seductively, as if Gerard wouldn't say yes to anything he asks. Gerard nods, moaning lightly against the older man's lips, and bringing out one in return from Frank as he flicks his thumbs over the man's nipples. Frank straightens back up again, reaching for the camera he had earlier placed on the nightstand, hoping to have this opportunity.
"Pose for me, baby," he leans down and whispers in Gerard's ear nibbling on the earlobe gently before pulling back up again. "Look as beautiful as only you can." One of his hands falls down to Gerard's stomach, tracing his abdominal muscles, as he simply waits for Gerard to be in the right mindset. He waits for him to look just perfect, the way he sometimes has been really close to during their photo shoots, although it was more common in the beginning.
"Frank," Gerard sighs, glancing up at the older, tattooed man with eyes so intense and passionate that they can probably set something on fire. Frank grins down at him, raising the camera with both hands and clicking away. Gerard is the most photogenic model Frank has ever worked with. It's as if he was born to be on film, to be the motive of the best pictures Frank has ever taken.
Even if Gerard was slightly distracted throughout most of the last photo shoot with Frank, the pictures came out looking a lot better than most of Gerard's latest work. Something about the way Frank talked to him through it, telling him what to do, what not to do, and that he was doing good, looking sexy, was helping a lot. Not that Frank wasn't always doing these things, even during the time of which they could never talk outside of work, but there seemed to be more behind it that time.
Everybody that was concerned seemed very pleased once they were done at least, and as Gerard's agent approached him afterwards, Gerard caught Frank's eye and received a thumbs up. Then, Frank had turned to talk to his assistants, and Gerard tried to listen to what his agent was saying regarding his flight to Paris and that she was still trying to change the business class tickets to first class ones.
But then, something of what Frank had said earlier popped back into Gerard's head, about today possibly being the last time they would ever see one another, and he snapped. Before he knew it, he had turned away from his agent, ignoring her questions completely, and was walking across the room towards Frank. The older man was facing in his direction, and looked up from a computer screen, a surprised spark in his eyes as they followed Gerard walking around the desk, stopping right in front of him.
Then, Gerard kissed him.
At first, Frank didn't kiss back at all. Gerard only held onto Frank, cupping his cheeks and grabbing his hair and pressing his lips hard against Frank's, not even moving them much. He just needed to feel that heat, that closeness to the older man, and it didn't matter that it barely qualified as a proper kiss. Frank still hadn't moved a muscle when Gerard pulled away and let go, but then it was as if he suddenly regained control of his body and senses. His lips were on Gerard's open mouth, immediately parting to let his tongue meet Gerard's, and his arms surrounded the younger man's body.
Gerard could have cried with relief when Frank kissed him, but only moaned against his lips, pressing his body against Frank's chest. His hands were back in Frank's hair, fingers playing with the silky brown locks that certainly didn't feel as if they had gray, lifeless hairs among them. Frank's hands were on Gerard's hips, bringing him closer as airy gasps slipped into the younger man's mouth. Everything, every sensation, felt so good that it almost hurt, and Gerard didn't want it to end, not for one second. But it did, as they both had to come up for air, and then they suddenly became aware of the five other people in the room, staring at them and their sudden very graphic display of affection.
Gerard's first reaction was to blush, growing redder and redder as he realized that he had a raging hard on in his awkwardly tight jeans. Frank was there though, and it didn't really matter that Gerard's career could be over for good, in New York at least. If people in the business were to hear about it, they wouldn't want to work with him and he would be done with. But right then, it didn't matter because he had Frank.
No one said anything, only collected their things and left the building, leaving Gerard and Frank alone, still standing just where they had kissed. Once the door had closed for the last time, Frank's hands were up by Gerard's face, cupping his cheeks gently and bringing it down to meet his own, but they didn't kiss. Instead, Frank looked as if he was fighting back tears, breathing deeply as if he didn't know what to feel or do or say. "Don't do this, Gee, please." Gerard just looked at him, confused. "Don't do this for me, don't stay for me."
"Frank..." he breathed, bringing his hand up to press two fingers to Frank's lips, which only kissed them softly.
"I told you before, Gee, that I care about you, and I mean that. I'd rather have you be happy on the other side of the world than here, unhappy. Don't stay here because you think it's your duty. Don't stay here because of your promises."
Gerard kissed him, making him shut up for a few seconds, but Frank broke away. "I want to be here, with you, okay? I'll still go... to Paris, and after a month, I'll come back to you. I don't belong there, I know that, so I should be here, no matter what," Gerard whispered, and when Frank just shook his head skeptically, he added, "it's not about you, it's about me. I want this, I know I do."
Both him and Frank were aware of the uncertainty in his voice, though.
They're doing it. It, as in making love. Frank moving in and out of Gerard at a steadily increasing pace, the younger man gasping and moaning in pleasure once the immediate pain has faltered. His legs are wrapped loosely around the tattooed man's waist, his heels automatically pressing into his back to go just a little bit harder and deeper. His hands are currently curled into fists, gripping the sheets franticly as Frank's lips are on his neck and his hands are on his chest. He arches into it, moaning louder at the touches and forcing his hands away from the sheets and up to Frank, to pull Frank's lips up to meet his own.
Frank kisses him hungrily, open-mouthed and sloppy as he moans, both louder and more frequently, just like the young man beneath him. Their eyes meet for just a fraction of a second, and Gerard feels as if he's losing control, just giving in to Frank completely. He's never been in this position before, so exposed and vulnerable, at the mercy of someone else, but he knows that no one but Frank will ever be able to make him feel this way. No one else will sweep him off his feet in the same way Frank has, no one else will make him so desperate.
Neither man last very long, both of them having been too excited to begin with, but it's no less spectacular because of that. As Frank releases into Gerard, the younger man shakes with his own orgasm, and it's one of the best ones he can remember feeling, ever. Frank pulls out, and Gerard can feel his semen trickling out in between his thighs, possibly mixed with blood, but he doesn't care.
Frank smiles lazily and kisses his lips, before rolling them over so Gerard is on top of him and, as he tugs Gerard down to rest on top of him, it doesn't matter that they are both sticky with sweat and other bodily fluids. It seems to only bring them closer and, as Gerard's smooth, young and unmarked skin meets Frank's tan and worn, tattooed skin, something new is happening.
"I love you," Gerard whispers as he tucks his head in under Frank's chin, kissing his collarbone and relishing in the feeling of Frank's arms wrapped around his shoulders.
"I don't know if I want to go anymore," the young model sighed as he looked through a brochure about Paris, wondering why his agent had given him this when it was more about tourist stuff than anything else. He leaned back into the small couch in his living room, and heard a huff coming from behind him, from the kitchen. "I'm serious; I don't really feel like going anymore. I don't like the look of it."
"You don't like the look of one of the most beautiful places in the world?" Frank asked smoothly as he entered the room, two steaming hot cups of coffee in his hands. He leaned over the couch to set them down on the coffee table, before bending down to wrap his arms around his lover, nineteen years younger than himself. "I don't think you mean that, Gee," he whispered softly in his ear, kissing it softly before trailing kisses over to his cheek, where he nuzzled his face in.
"I don't like the thought of going there alone," Gerard explained, turning his head to look at Frank, who just smiled encouragingly at him. "Why won't you come with me?" Frank frowned slightly, but pressed a light kiss to Gerard's lips. He wasn't impressed by how Gerard's interest in going to Paris had faltered over the weeks that they had been 'together,' and it broke his heart, because he knew what was the reason behind it. Gerard knew it too.
"Because you have to be alone. You have to see the world on your own to really be able to figure out what feels right, what you want to do and who you want to be with." Frank let go of Gerard as he spoke, slowly walking around the couch to sit down next to Gerard and pull him into his arms. "If I was there with you, you'd be biased and not able to see the world through the right eyes." Gerard sighed as Frank kissed his forehead, because he knew that Frank was right.
"But I already know that I want to be here with you. Going away is stupid, I don't want to." As Gerard spoke his voice broke, and he suddenly felt like a small child, crying and ready to throw a tantrum unless his mother bought him a new toy. "I'm scared, Frank," he whispered, burying his face in the older man's chest as the first tears leaked out of his eyes.
"I know, Gee, but you have to take this chance. You have the opportunity to go further as a model, and you have to at least try it. We both know that you don't have the same chances here anymore, especially since... since you and I 'happened'. I just want you to be happy, even if I can't be there to see it." Frank stroked Gerard's hair soothingly, running a hand up and down the young man's back. "You might think now that staying is the right thing to do, but you won't know for sure until you've tried another way."
"But I already tried, here, and it didn't work. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not, Frank," the younger man said, sniffing every now and then in between words. But I do it on auto-pilot if it means that I'll have something I want, like the modeling career I've always dreamed about. The thought was unspoken, but it rang in both of their heads.
"I know, and I'd never ask you to," Frank sighed because, in his head, he wasn't sure of whether his Gerard, or the model/public person Gerard, was the real Gerard.
"I'll miss you, while you're gone," the older man breathes softly into Gerard's hair, rough, but gentle hands tracing the little bumps of his spine up and down. The younger man lifts his head up, craning his neck to reach and place a kiss on his lips, before returning to burrow his face in Frank's hair. The smell of sweat and sex still lingers in the air, but Frank only smells soft and sweet, like honey. Gerard assumes that it's from his shampoo, vaguely remembering seeing a bottle of honey scented product in Frank's bathroom earlier. "But it's just a month, right?" Frank adds after a few moments, hidden skepticism in his voice.
"Yeah, I'll be back before you've even noticed me being gone, I promise." Frank feels soft lips press against his neck, and instead of leaving, they stay there, Gerard's hot breath hitting a spot just above them. It's on the left side of his neck, just on top of the 'Jinx Removed' tattoo. The one he had gotten just after his longest relationship ever had ended, as some kind of rebellion against love. He loves that tattoo to bits, and always has, but it's a bittersweet feeling, since he has never been fully happy with anyone since he got it done. Now, he has the potential to be, but it's all up to Gerard.
"I'll be back," the younger man says again, rubbing his fingertips against the side of Frank's ribcage, before moving them over Frank's outstretched arm to grasp his limp hand. "I'll be back." His voice is weaker the third time, and it's as if he's trying to convince himself more than Frank. The older man squeezes Gerard's hand tenderly, running his thumb across his knuckles, as if to say 'I know.'
He does know what is going to happen. That Gerard will leave the next morning, and Frank will see him off at the airport. Gerard will cry, and he himself will try not to, but he'll give in eventually. They'll kiss and hug, and he won't want to let go, but he'll make himself do it, and Gerard too. Then, Gerard will be gone.
Frank moves his free hand to Gerard's hair, twirling the soft locks around his fingers. His eyes drift to the side, to the camera that's once more resting on the nightstand, the memory card loaded with the most perfect pictures he will ever take. Smiling softly, for no one, he whispers,
"I love you... poser."
In a bed, in a room, in an apartment, in a building, in a city skin is meeting skin. Young skin; pale, soft and flexible, is pressed hard into old skin; experienced, wrinkled, tan and tattooed, and there's a contrast so great and beautiful. The young man sighs softly and tilts his head back and slightly to the left, as lips make their way up over the sensitive skin. Lips of a man that have been with twice as many people as Gerard has experienced years.
He shudders as the thought crosses his mind, but he leaves it there, instead of pushing it to the back of his mind like he usually would. That thought used to freak him out, the thought of him being with a man almost twenty years older than him. The thought of him falling in love with a man almost twenty years older than him was crazy; it wasn't something that would happen, ever. He wasn't... He's not gay.
But the touch of Frank's lips and skin on his own has always made him feel things that cause him to think otherwise. Just the sight of Frank sent a whole arch of animals to wreak havoc in his gut, and the feeling of Frank's eyes on him caused shivers to run up his spine.
Frank with a camera in his hands is one of the most arousing things he has ever seen, and knowing that he is what Frank is seeking out through the lens makes it even better. With every click of the shutter, Frank is saving yet another moment in time of his absurd fantasies. He's never been proud of what he has felt for Frank ever since they first met, but as long as his mind doesn't get too carried away while he's working, it actually makes it easier. Standing half naked in front of a camera and trying to look sexy was never difficult when it was Frank who handled the camera, and his agency hired Frank most of the time since they knew how much better his photos were compared to anyone else's.
He still remembers the first time he worked with Frank, the immediate connection he felt between them, and how natural it was to pose for him and his camera. Like always, there had been at least five other people in the room: his agent, a makeup artist who applied new makeup every minute, people from the company they were currently working with... He was surrounded by people, but the only one he focused on was this man that he had never even met before.
He wasn't bothered by the dark eyes that followed every move he made through the lens, like he would usually be when he worked with a new photographer. It felt comfortable to be in front of Frank, to have those eyes wandering over his naked chest and downwards to his happy trail and to the tight jeans that they were shooting for.
Frank looked happy throughout the whole session, a pleased smile, maybe even a smirk, playing on his pink lips. A small golden ring adorned the left side of his bottom lip, as well as another ring in the right nostril and plugs in each of his ear lobes. It suited him very well, making him look young and rebellious like a teenager, even though Gerard knew he was at least thirty. He had what seemed like hundreds of tattoos running up and down his bare arms and hands, a few peeking out from his collar, and when he bent over, Gerard couldn't help but see some at the small of his back too, as his shirt rode up.
Gerard didn't exactly consider Frank to be good-looking, or handsome, or sexy as soon as he met him. He was a nice person to be around, looked fresh and fit for his age, and a casual friendship developed between the two men as they worked together at least once every week.
He only realized in what way he liked Frank when he felt jealous over him. There was a day, a few months after they met and started working together, when Frank brought a friend to work with him. That's how he introduced him, and Gerard didn't see anything weird about it. There's nothing strange about holding your friend around the back, really. But when he saw them kissing, it felt as if his insides were on fire. It didn't make sense to him, that he would feel that way. Frank was a man. A man nearly twenty years older than him.
That day was the best photo shoot he had done in quite a while, and he knew it just by looking at the grin on Frank's face. Hearing Frank's usual outbursts of "Come on, baby, work that sexy body of yours," and "Fabulous, now just gimme that smirk," only encouraged him in his want to shine for Frank. Nothing had ever felt so good as to hear Frank exclaim "That's gorgeous, Gee!" once they were done, and he melted into the tattooed man's embrace.
"Gee..." Frank breathes quietly, moving his lips gently to the front of Gerard's chin and then to his lips that were eagerly kissing back. "You're amazing," Frank murmurs against his lips, running his rough hands over Gerard's soft and smooth body, gently caressing the chest he has admired from afar for too long.
Gerard drapes his arms around Frank's shoulders, holding him in place as they kiss for a long time. They're both naked under the warm covers of the bed, skin meeting skin and sharing warmth. The weight of Frank's body on top of his own is comfortable, and if it was possible, he wouldn't want them to ever move again. They could stay like this forever, in the bed, in Frank's apartment. Kissing.
The first time they kissed, the first time they did anything besides friendly hugs and talking, was a day that Gerard will never be able to forget. The way Frank looked at him, all the way from when he walked in the door to Frank's studio to when they started shooting, to when they finished and Gerard went to change back into his clothes. There was something in the glossy orbs, maybe in the crowfeet around the eyes, and the way he pursed his lips.
Gerard had been asked to be on the cover of a novel that was to be released later that year. He didn't know what it was about or why they wanted this kind of image, but he was asked to look vulnerable and lonely. They had asked for him to be completely naked too, and although he had never done anything like that before, wearing boxers at least, for underwear ads, he agreed to do it. A part of him was curious about how Frank would react, if he would react in any way at all.
Frank stared. More than usual, that is.
Gerard knew for sure that Frank was gay, and he knew that Frank was single again. It had been two months since Frank brought his boyfriend to the studio, and some time between these two occurrences, the relationship had ended. Gerard knew that because Frank had called him one night and cried for a bit, before persuading him to go out and have a drink with him. Gerard had hoped that something would happen once they got drunk enough, but Frank only proceeded to tell Gerard all about his ex.
Gerard had put him in a taxi home, and the next time they saw each other, Frank was his usual self, smiling and hugging him. Flirting innocently with him to get as good pictures as possible, and Gerard felt even more comfortable after that. He didn't even feel that bad about the few occasions he'd let his fantasies of Frank get the upper hand and he'd jerked off to them.
That day, Frank didn't talk to him before they started working like he normally would. He didn't greet him with a hug when he got there, and he didn't come in to chat as he got his makeup or hair done. They talked briefly as Frank directed him into a position that looked good from Frank's angle, but other than that, it was a very awkward photo shoot.
The pictures turned out good, because with Frank and the camera glaring at him, Gerard couldn't help but feel vulnerable. His eyes met Frank's several times, and there was something strange in them, something intimidating, but also something caring. There was want, and that force that was fighting it, and Gerard felt weak, exposed as he was to all of it. He still didn't know why he felt that attraction for the older man, but he wondered if Frank could really feel the same when Gerard was so much younger. He hoped he would, but at the same time he wished for the opposite because it would be better for both of them if they just remained friends.
They stopped once Frank was pleased with the result and he had run out of film. Frank smiled at him as Gerard stood up from his sitting position, taking a robe from one of the assistants to wrap around himself. He started walking towards him, but as he neared, Frank disappeared around one corner or another, and after that, Gerard simply could not find him anywhere.
Giving up, he went back to the changing room he always used, seeking some privacy to think, come back down from the excitement he had felt when Frank was looking at him, taking pictures of him. Even if it was his career, Gerard wondered if Frank ever got too interested or involved with anyone he worked with. Gerard could only hope and fantasize, and have a cool shower, wanting to relax and get rid of his arousal with a less vocal method. It did help, and he gladly stayed in there for a long time after he'd turned the temperature up again.
When he finally stepped back out and wrapped a towel around his waist, it was late, and most people had already left the studio. The only ones who were still in the building were him, and Frank. He'd only put his jeans on, and combed through his hair with his fingers when Frank opened the door, not bothering to knock first.
"I didn't know you were still here," Frank said, and Gerard spun around, startled at the sound as he had not heard Frank enter the room. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," the older man apologized, giving Gerard a small smile as he stepped further into the room. His eyes wandered subtly over Gerard's bare chest, water drops trickling down from his hair and over the pale skin.
"It's okay, and yeah, I was just having a shower," Gerard said, shrugging slightly and trying to look at anything but Frank. "Get any decent photos today?" he added when Frank didn't say anything, and the older man nodded.
"Yeah, they were great as always. It seems kinda impossible to get bad pictures when they're of you," Frank said and smiled, finally taking his piercing eyes away from Gerard's bare chest, and instead looking at random things in the room. "You think you're gonna be done soon? I was just locking up when I found you." Gerard nodded, but before he could reply properly, Frank continued. "Good thing I did, or you'd be locked up in here all weekend."
Gerard laughed softly, "Yeah, I'm glad that didn't happen." He turned around, picking up his t-shirt from the counter to put it on, but as he raised it to tug it over his head, there was a hand on his arm and he turned around, facing Frank again. A pair of lips brushed against his own for a very short moment.
After a sudden sharp intake of breath, he slowly eased out a shaky breath. "Frank..." The older man kissed him again, and even though it felt like fumbling in the dark because he'd never kissed a man before, he kissed him back. The t-shirt was dropped to the floor as Gerard's hands tangled in Frank's messy brown hair, and the older man's rough hands slid over Gerard's smooth chest.
Gerard moaned against Frank's lips and tongue as he was backed up against the counter, one of Frank's experienced hands toying with his erect, sensitive nipples. The older man's lips broke away from Gerard's, eagerly making their way down his neck, as both of his hands kept going south and reached the waist of Gerard's jeans.
"Frank," Gerard gasped out as Frank's fingers eased the button and fly open, letting Gerard's erection spill out into his eager touch. A moan drifted from his mouth, and he wondered if it was good or bad that he hadn't bothered with underwear after his shower. "Frank, we shouldn't." Bringing his hands down to Frank's shoulders, he pushed him away weakly, fighting the urge to just give in and throw himself back at the older man.
"Just let me do this, Gee," Frank said, kissing his neck and pushing Gerard's pants down a few inches, before wrapping his hand around him and dragging a deep moan from Gerard's throat. Gerard's arms returned to wrap around Frank's neck, eagerly pushing himself closer to his body. He couldn't help but to thrust into Frank's hand, lifting one of his legs up to wrap around Frank's middle as Frank's free hand caressed the back of his thigh.
He had never felt so pleasured from just a hand job, and afterwards he wondered if the orgasm was so spectacular only because it was with a man, with Frank. He couldn't get sounds of any kind to leave his lips, let alone form words or sentences, so when he finally came, he gave Frank no warning. Frank's hand kept moving until he was completely finished, and Gerard collapsed against his body, breathing heavily and shaking all over.
Gerard's face pressed against Frank's tattooed neck, before the older man's hand curled in Gerard's hair and brought his face out in the open so he could kiss him. The twenty-one year old kissed back eagerly, already addicted to the taste and feel of Frank's rather dry lips. The dark stubble on Frank's cheeks felt itchy against Gerard's hands as he cupped his face, clinging to him and tasting and feeling.
"Gee," Frank murmured, pushing lightly on Gerard's chest. "Gee, hey, just slow down for a bit," he said again, a little more persistent, holding Gerard's face in a firm grip and separating their lips. Gerard breathed shakily onto Frank's face, gazing into his dark and passionate, but still caring eyes. "What do you want, Gee?" Frank kissed the corner of Gerard's mouth, pulling away quickly before Gerard had a chance to kiss back.
Nothing more was said for a few minutes, there were only the sounds of heavy breathing and rough hands sliding over smooth skin. No smacking from lips meeting and pulling away, no soft rustling from clothes being removed, no gentle whispers or moans that teased the air.
Then, Gerard pulled away. Hands on the older man's still clothed chest, he pushed him away, gaze diverted to a spot somewhere behind Frank. His breathing sounded labored, sad, as he turned around, withdrawing his hands and fixing his pants. He didn't feel comfortable bending over to pick his t-shirt up off the floor in front of Frank, but he did so anyway, crouching down carefully and standing up again as soon as he had it.
Tears stung in his eyes as he slipped the shirt over his head, but he fought them back and turned around, wearing his most neutral facial expression. "This never happened, okay? Don't speak of it to anyone, especially not me." His voice was cold, metallic and mechanic sounding. Not his usual soft one. "It was a mistake, we shouldn't have..." His voice broke and he turned around again, not able to bear looking at Frank's disappointed, but still not surprised face.
"It's okay," the older man said, placing a soothing hand on Gerard's shoulder.
"No, it's not. If this gets out, if anybody finds out, my career is over," Gerard snapped, running one hand through his hair in an annoyed manner. Frank looked at him calmly, sympathy laced within the golden brown of his irises.
"It's okay, I get it," he sighed, and Gerard finally grabbed his bag and walked out of the room and the studio. He fought the tears in his eyes all the way home on the subway, and as soon as he stepped into his shitty little apartment, it was as if the wind got knocked out of him. He slid down against the door, just crying and wishing that things didn't have to be so complicated.
Frank pulls away, just a little bit, and their eyes meet. It's difficult to make it out in the dark, but both pairs of brown eyes are bright and excited, caring and happier than either man has ever been before. Gerard can feel the older man's erection against his thigh, and nerves are bubbling up in his stomach as he reaches up and reattaches his lips to Frank's. It only lasts for a second, though.
"You okay?" Frank asks softly, nudging Gerard's cheek with his nose as the younger man turns his face away. He looks towards where he knows the window is, but the curtains are drawn so he can't see the night sky outside of their cave-like room. "We don't have to, you know that." He bites the lobe of Gerard's exposed ear, tugging on it gently, and a soft whine arises from Gerard's throat. "We can wait till you get back. It's only a month, right?"
"Yeah. I know, but I want to."
Gerard made sure to always keep a distance between himself and Frank after what happened. He talked as little as possible to the photographer, and if he really needed to, he made sure to always have his agent or someone else there next to him. He never stayed after the sessions, but threw on some clothes and ran out the door as soon as he was allowed to.
He didn't even want to be in that room, his dressing room in Frank's studio, just because of what he, they, had done in there. He had to though, unless he wanted to explain to someone why he didn't want that room anymore, and that wasn't an option. He always just changed quickly and, instead of lingering for whatever reason he had found before, he left the room.
Gerard was ashamed of the way he acted, the way he just shut Frank out of his life. They had been friends, good ones, and he let one stupid mistake ruin that. He felt bad for the sad, lonely, disappointed expression on Frank's face whenever he dared look, and he wished he could just erase the longing that hid deep inside of Frank's eyes. He wished he could erase the longing from inside himself as well, to wipe it out and delete it from existence, but he couldn't.
Like before, he'd sneak glances at Frank whenever the older man was not facing in his direction, and the sight was always just as painful to bear. It was a lot worse than before the 'incident' too, because now he had tasted it, Frank's lips and kisses, and he wanted more. More of his touches and embraces, and just small random conversations that they used to have before shooting. He missed the encouraging words and flirting phrases that Frank would throw at him in the middle of every session, meaning it.
It was almost just as before when he used to fantasize about the photographer, when he'd be able to think of nothing but him during the photo shoots and just wish for him to... notice him, or do something. Then, it happened. He could no longer remember what he had once hoped would happen between them, what he had dreamed of, how he wanted their happily ever after to be carried out. How he had been fooling himself for so long, he had no idea. Somewhere in the back of his head he had always known that it was stupid, that it would be a social and public suicide for him to be in a relationship with a male photographer almost twice his age.
Weeks passed like that, and then, they turned into one month, and that month became several. Gerard tried to live his life normally, like he had before he had met Frank. He tried to tell himself that Frank was just another photographer, someone who didn't matter, and slowly he almost started believing it, but only almost. He dated, meeting a nice girl through work that he got along with nicely. She was pretty too, dark blue eyes and dark blonde hair and, unlike a lot of female models, her body wasn't one of a stick figure's, but medium-sized and curved.
He didn't love her, though. She was just nice company, someone to talk to and hang out with. Someone to take his mind off of other things, to distract him. She was more of a friend to him than anything else, except for the fact that she wasn't just a friend, but someone who kept his bed warm whilst he yearned for someone else to hold him. It was nice during the few months it lasted, but Gerard wasn't sad when it ended, and neither was she, as far as he knew.
Once he was single again, things started getting worse, not only concerning his mental and emotional state, but his working situation was getting less good. Working with Frank was harder than ever and, when not even those photos ever turned out good, the ones by other photographers weren't doing anything for his career either. So that's when Gerard's agent decided that he should go somewhere else, to Europe, to work. She believed that if he got new surroundings, met new people and got into a different culture, he would be able to work like he used to. Gerard didn't object, he agreed that he would be able to focus more if he just got away from New York, from Frank. So he was going to Paris, ten months after his thing with Frank.
"You're beautiful," Gerard sighs, gazing up into Frank's mesmerizing eyes. They're glowing in the dark as the older man grins and closes the gap between their lips with a deep and sensual kiss, where tongues meet and nimble fingers caress cheeks and shoulders and backs. Frank rolls them over on the bed, still between the warm sheets, and looks up at Gerard who's supporting himself on his elbows, placed on either side of Frank's head.
"I'm too old to be considered beautiful." The words ring in Gerard's head, but he knows they're not true. Frank may have wrinkles and lots of tattoos, some of which are slightly faded, and his body may not be as perfectly toned as it once was, but he's perfect in Gerard's eyes. "I'm old, and you're not," the older man sighs, running a finger along the contour of Gerard's cheekbone.
"You're not old, just experienced." They kiss for what seems like the hundredth time tonight, lips and hands easily conveying what words alone cannot speak. Pressing light kisses along Frank's jaw, his lips wander to his ear, and a shiver goes through both of their bodies as he speaks, once more, with words. "And I want you, now."
The last month before Gerard was scheduled to leave for France and Paris, he was almost completely free from work. He only had a few photo shoots left, ones that had been booked weeks and even months back in time, but he didn't mind. The few jobs he had left were rather laid back and relaxed too, so there wasn't that extreme pressure on him, like there used to be.
His last session with Frank was about three weeks before he was leaving for Europe, and although he was relieved that he wouldn't have to be bothered by Frank anymore while he worked after that photo shoot, he knew he was going to miss it. More than he already did, since he still wished he could go back to how it was before that day when they kissed. His only hope was to find someone like that in Paris, someone who he could have that with, who could make him feel more comfortable in front of the camera than anyone else.
The last time they worked together was different from how anything had been during the last ten or so months. The looks that they both gave one another weren't the fifty percent longing/fifty percent resentment like they usually were, but there was something else. In Frank's face, Gerard could make out resignation, amongst other emotions, and he himself felt more desperate and needy for Frank's touch and kiss than ever before.
He changed in his dressing room, still the same one that him and Frank had fooled around in almost a year earlier. Fooling around wasn't the best expression to use for what they had done, though. It sounded much too juvenile and childish, like something that teenagers would say and, even if Gerard wasn't that much older, Frank was far from his teens. They hadn't been fooling around anyway; they were very much into it, definitely meaning everything. Every touch, every kiss; Gerard often looked back at it, reliving the care in everything Frank did.
When Gerard changed that day, he was sure that, for a second, someone was watching him from the door. Someone with dark hair and tattoos that he caught a glimpse of in the mirror.
When he returned from the dressing room to the room where they were shooting, Frank's assistant was still setting up the lighting and other technical things that Gerard never fully understood. He waited for the set to be finished, occasionally talking to his agent or other people, until there was a light tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face Frank. There was a moment of awkward silence, exchanges of strange glances, and a bubbly feeling in Gerard's gut.
"I don't think they'll be finished with the set for a while, so I was just thinking that maybe we could talk?" Frank said, speaking too quickly for Gerard to comprehend all of it. He understood the last part though and, with a nod, he followed Frank down the hallway to his office. It was uncomfortable to be alone with Frank after so long, but he knew it was probably for the best. Whatever Frank might have to say, it seemed like it was meant for Gerard's ears only, and Gerard was glad that Frank thought so.
"So, you're leaving." It was not as much a question as a statement, and although Gerard was confused, he nodded. Frank must have known about Gerard's less than good work as of lately, so it didn't make sense that he was suddenly confronting him about leaving New York. Frank wasn't even looking at him, but glancing down at some papers on his desk which he simply leaned against.
"Yeah, in a few weeks... yeah," Gerard replied, not sure what to say or do, or where to look. "I'll do some work in Paris for a while, to begin with, and then I'll possibly go to Italy. I don't think I'll stay anywhere for too long, though. I'll get homesick and just want to get back here." He forced a smile and looked up at Frank who had a funny look on his face.
"That's pretty much what I said twenty years ago when I left Milan." Frank chuckled. "I grew up there, lived there for over twenty years and learned all about fashion and photography. I met a beautiful girl and fell in love there. And then I left, saying that I would come back as soon as I had seen the world." His voice was bittersweet. "What happened was, I came here. I met a man, and he taught me about New York, America. He taught me how to speak English, and to feel good." Frank's brown eyes came up to look straight into Gerard's. "After that, there was nothing for me to go back to. Everything was here."
"What happened to that guy then?" Gerard asked, wondering if the point Frank was trying to make would apply to him. Maybe Frank was just trying to persuade him into staying.
"I think he went to Brazil, to do some business-work-sort of thing." Frank shrugged, sitting down on the desk completely, and crossing his legs, the right one over the left. "What I'm trying to say, though, is that even when he left me, I stayed here. I could have gone back home, to my family, to my friends, to my lover, or whatever she was. But I didn't go. I was too enchanted by the city, and by the different way of living, and I couldn't give that up. I didn't want to give photography up. I knew I would never make it, even by working with great designers in Milan, so returning home would only result in me heading back to my parents farm to work there."
Gerard listened, but he couldn't see any similarities between the basics of his own life and the story that Frank was telling him. When he would return to America, he would still have a career here, his agent made sure of that, even if it would remain very low-key until he shaped up again and started making good photos. He was coming back, he had promised everybody he knew that he would be back within just a few months. He loved New York too much, and Jersey where he had grown up.
"I did what was best for me, what would make me happy, and what would fulfill my dreams." The older man smiled. "Had I gone back there, I would have worked out in the fields, doing hard and dirty work, and it wouldn't have made me happy in the slightest. If I had gone back, I would have married that girl, had a bunch of kids and lived life as a faithful Catholic. I don't have to comply with any duties like that here. I've had more lovers than I can remember, lived life to the fullest, and it brought me here. To you."
Frank's eyes softened and he smiled up at Gerard. "I want you to do the same. Live your life for yourself. Be happy, fulfill your dreams, make love, and art, and just care about yourself. If you feel at home in Paris, don't let anyone back here stop you from staying there. I'm not asking you to stay there, or to stay here, but to stay wherever you want to be. I care about you, and I want you to do that. Not for me, but for yourself."
"Frank..." Gerard started, but Frank interrupted him before he could continue.
"Today may well be the last time I get to work with you, and the last time I ever see you, so I just want to make sure that you live right from now on. Choose wisely over what you want to do with your life. That's all I need you to do to be happy." The finality in Frank's voice told Gerard that the older man was done speaking, and when the man walked out of the office, he knew that they were supposed to start working.
Frank's words, Frank's entire life story was buzzing in Gerard's head all the way through the session and, for the first time, he really wondered what would make him happy. His first answer was that going to Europe to get his modeling career set straight, and to pursue it for as long as he could, was what would make him happy in the end, but then he realized that that might force him to live less. He knew that living life as a public person is tough, and that you can't really do whatever you feel like doing in case some critic disapproves; in fact, he has already lived a year in fear of the wrong people finding out about his infatuation with another man.
Would he be happy pretending to be someone he wasn't? Even if he got over Frank, would he fall for another member of the same sex? Would he have to pretend to be straight, to lure girls into being with him just to feel less lonely, even if they meant nothing to him? Did he want to be a poser for the rest of his life, pretending to be something that he wasn't, just because the world, and himself, are still too afraid to admit that what he was feeling was real, and that it was beautiful and worth some admiration?
He wasn't sure.
Frank is on top of Gerard again, his strong, powerful body towering up over Gerard's. The younger man's hands are carefully working their way up and down his tan and tattooed chest, feeling the muscles flex underneath his fingertips as they follow a pattern of the huge chest tattoo that somewhat resembles a spider's web. Gerard isn't sure if that's what it is though, knowing of Frank's slight fear of the small eight-legged creatures.
"Can I take a picture of you?" Frank whispers, leaning down to kiss Gerard's lips seductively, as if Gerard wouldn't say yes to anything he asks. Gerard nods, moaning lightly against the older man's lips, and bringing out one in return from Frank as he flicks his thumbs over the man's nipples. Frank straightens back up again, reaching for the camera he had earlier placed on the nightstand, hoping to have this opportunity.
"Pose for me, baby," he leans down and whispers in Gerard's ear nibbling on the earlobe gently before pulling back up again. "Look as beautiful as only you can." One of his hands falls down to Gerard's stomach, tracing his abdominal muscles, as he simply waits for Gerard to be in the right mindset. He waits for him to look just perfect, the way he sometimes has been really close to during their photo shoots, although it was more common in the beginning.
"Frank," Gerard sighs, glancing up at the older, tattooed man with eyes so intense and passionate that they can probably set something on fire. Frank grins down at him, raising the camera with both hands and clicking away. Gerard is the most photogenic model Frank has ever worked with. It's as if he was born to be on film, to be the motive of the best pictures Frank has ever taken.
Even if Gerard was slightly distracted throughout most of the last photo shoot with Frank, the pictures came out looking a lot better than most of Gerard's latest work. Something about the way Frank talked to him through it, telling him what to do, what not to do, and that he was doing good, looking sexy, was helping a lot. Not that Frank wasn't always doing these things, even during the time of which they could never talk outside of work, but there seemed to be more behind it that time.
Everybody that was concerned seemed very pleased once they were done at least, and as Gerard's agent approached him afterwards, Gerard caught Frank's eye and received a thumbs up. Then, Frank had turned to talk to his assistants, and Gerard tried to listen to what his agent was saying regarding his flight to Paris and that she was still trying to change the business class tickets to first class ones.
But then, something of what Frank had said earlier popped back into Gerard's head, about today possibly being the last time they would ever see one another, and he snapped. Before he knew it, he had turned away from his agent, ignoring her questions completely, and was walking across the room towards Frank. The older man was facing in his direction, and looked up from a computer screen, a surprised spark in his eyes as they followed Gerard walking around the desk, stopping right in front of him.
Then, Gerard kissed him.
At first, Frank didn't kiss back at all. Gerard only held onto Frank, cupping his cheeks and grabbing his hair and pressing his lips hard against Frank's, not even moving them much. He just needed to feel that heat, that closeness to the older man, and it didn't matter that it barely qualified as a proper kiss. Frank still hadn't moved a muscle when Gerard pulled away and let go, but then it was as if he suddenly regained control of his body and senses. His lips were on Gerard's open mouth, immediately parting to let his tongue meet Gerard's, and his arms surrounded the younger man's body.
Gerard could have cried with relief when Frank kissed him, but only moaned against his lips, pressing his body against Frank's chest. His hands were back in Frank's hair, fingers playing with the silky brown locks that certainly didn't feel as if they had gray, lifeless hairs among them. Frank's hands were on Gerard's hips, bringing him closer as airy gasps slipped into the younger man's mouth. Everything, every sensation, felt so good that it almost hurt, and Gerard didn't want it to end, not for one second. But it did, as they both had to come up for air, and then they suddenly became aware of the five other people in the room, staring at them and their sudden very graphic display of affection.
Gerard's first reaction was to blush, growing redder and redder as he realized that he had a raging hard on in his awkwardly tight jeans. Frank was there though, and it didn't really matter that Gerard's career could be over for good, in New York at least. If people in the business were to hear about it, they wouldn't want to work with him and he would be done with. But right then, it didn't matter because he had Frank.
No one said anything, only collected their things and left the building, leaving Gerard and Frank alone, still standing just where they had kissed. Once the door had closed for the last time, Frank's hands were up by Gerard's face, cupping his cheeks gently and bringing it down to meet his own, but they didn't kiss. Instead, Frank looked as if he was fighting back tears, breathing deeply as if he didn't know what to feel or do or say. "Don't do this, Gee, please." Gerard just looked at him, confused. "Don't do this for me, don't stay for me."
"Frank..." he breathed, bringing his hand up to press two fingers to Frank's lips, which only kissed them softly.
"I told you before, Gee, that I care about you, and I mean that. I'd rather have you be happy on the other side of the world than here, unhappy. Don't stay here because you think it's your duty. Don't stay here because of your promises."
Gerard kissed him, making him shut up for a few seconds, but Frank broke away. "I want to be here, with you, okay? I'll still go... to Paris, and after a month, I'll come back to you. I don't belong there, I know that, so I should be here, no matter what," Gerard whispered, and when Frank just shook his head skeptically, he added, "it's not about you, it's about me. I want this, I know I do."
Both him and Frank were aware of the uncertainty in his voice, though.
They're doing it. It, as in making love. Frank moving in and out of Gerard at a steadily increasing pace, the younger man gasping and moaning in pleasure once the immediate pain has faltered. His legs are wrapped loosely around the tattooed man's waist, his heels automatically pressing into his back to go just a little bit harder and deeper. His hands are currently curled into fists, gripping the sheets franticly as Frank's lips are on his neck and his hands are on his chest. He arches into it, moaning louder at the touches and forcing his hands away from the sheets and up to Frank, to pull Frank's lips up to meet his own.
Frank kisses him hungrily, open-mouthed and sloppy as he moans, both louder and more frequently, just like the young man beneath him. Their eyes meet for just a fraction of a second, and Gerard feels as if he's losing control, just giving in to Frank completely. He's never been in this position before, so exposed and vulnerable, at the mercy of someone else, but he knows that no one but Frank will ever be able to make him feel this way. No one else will sweep him off his feet in the same way Frank has, no one else will make him so desperate.
Neither man last very long, both of them having been too excited to begin with, but it's no less spectacular because of that. As Frank releases into Gerard, the younger man shakes with his own orgasm, and it's one of the best ones he can remember feeling, ever. Frank pulls out, and Gerard can feel his semen trickling out in between his thighs, possibly mixed with blood, but he doesn't care.
Frank smiles lazily and kisses his lips, before rolling them over so Gerard is on top of him and, as he tugs Gerard down to rest on top of him, it doesn't matter that they are both sticky with sweat and other bodily fluids. It seems to only bring them closer and, as Gerard's smooth, young and unmarked skin meets Frank's tan and worn, tattooed skin, something new is happening.
"I love you," Gerard whispers as he tucks his head in under Frank's chin, kissing his collarbone and relishing in the feeling of Frank's arms wrapped around his shoulders.
"I don't know if I want to go anymore," the young model sighed as he looked through a brochure about Paris, wondering why his agent had given him this when it was more about tourist stuff than anything else. He leaned back into the small couch in his living room, and heard a huff coming from behind him, from the kitchen. "I'm serious; I don't really feel like going anymore. I don't like the look of it."
"You don't like the look of one of the most beautiful places in the world?" Frank asked smoothly as he entered the room, two steaming hot cups of coffee in his hands. He leaned over the couch to set them down on the coffee table, before bending down to wrap his arms around his lover, nineteen years younger than himself. "I don't think you mean that, Gee," he whispered softly in his ear, kissing it softly before trailing kisses over to his cheek, where he nuzzled his face in.
"I don't like the thought of going there alone," Gerard explained, turning his head to look at Frank, who just smiled encouragingly at him. "Why won't you come with me?" Frank frowned slightly, but pressed a light kiss to Gerard's lips. He wasn't impressed by how Gerard's interest in going to Paris had faltered over the weeks that they had been 'together,' and it broke his heart, because he knew what was the reason behind it. Gerard knew it too.
"Because you have to be alone. You have to see the world on your own to really be able to figure out what feels right, what you want to do and who you want to be with." Frank let go of Gerard as he spoke, slowly walking around the couch to sit down next to Gerard and pull him into his arms. "If I was there with you, you'd be biased and not able to see the world through the right eyes." Gerard sighed as Frank kissed his forehead, because he knew that Frank was right.
"But I already know that I want to be here with you. Going away is stupid, I don't want to." As Gerard spoke his voice broke, and he suddenly felt like a small child, crying and ready to throw a tantrum unless his mother bought him a new toy. "I'm scared, Frank," he whispered, burying his face in the older man's chest as the first tears leaked out of his eyes.
"I know, Gee, but you have to take this chance. You have the opportunity to go further as a model, and you have to at least try it. We both know that you don't have the same chances here anymore, especially since... since you and I 'happened'. I just want you to be happy, even if I can't be there to see it." Frank stroked Gerard's hair soothingly, running a hand up and down the young man's back. "You might think now that staying is the right thing to do, but you won't know for sure until you've tried another way."
"But I already tried, here, and it didn't work. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not, Frank," the younger man said, sniffing every now and then in between words. But I do it on auto-pilot if it means that I'll have something I want, like the modeling career I've always dreamed about. The thought was unspoken, but it rang in both of their heads.
"I know, and I'd never ask you to," Frank sighed because, in his head, he wasn't sure of whether his Gerard, or the model/public person Gerard, was the real Gerard.
"I'll miss you, while you're gone," the older man breathes softly into Gerard's hair, rough, but gentle hands tracing the little bumps of his spine up and down. The younger man lifts his head up, craning his neck to reach and place a kiss on his lips, before returning to burrow his face in Frank's hair. The smell of sweat and sex still lingers in the air, but Frank only smells soft and sweet, like honey. Gerard assumes that it's from his shampoo, vaguely remembering seeing a bottle of honey scented product in Frank's bathroom earlier. "But it's just a month, right?" Frank adds after a few moments, hidden skepticism in his voice.
"Yeah, I'll be back before you've even noticed me being gone, I promise." Frank feels soft lips press against his neck, and instead of leaving, they stay there, Gerard's hot breath hitting a spot just above them. It's on the left side of his neck, just on top of the 'Jinx Removed' tattoo. The one he had gotten just after his longest relationship ever had ended, as some kind of rebellion against love. He loves that tattoo to bits, and always has, but it's a bittersweet feeling, since he has never been fully happy with anyone since he got it done. Now, he has the potential to be, but it's all up to Gerard.
"I'll be back," the younger man says again, rubbing his fingertips against the side of Frank's ribcage, before moving them over Frank's outstretched arm to grasp his limp hand. "I'll be back." His voice is weaker the third time, and it's as if he's trying to convince himself more than Frank. The older man squeezes Gerard's hand tenderly, running his thumb across his knuckles, as if to say 'I know.'
He does know what is going to happen. That Gerard will leave the next morning, and Frank will see him off at the airport. Gerard will cry, and he himself will try not to, but he'll give in eventually. They'll kiss and hug, and he won't want to let go, but he'll make himself do it, and Gerard too. Then, Gerard will be gone.
Frank moves his free hand to Gerard's hair, twirling the soft locks around his fingers. His eyes drift to the side, to the camera that's once more resting on the nightstand, the memory card loaded with the most perfect pictures he will ever take. Smiling softly, for no one, he whispers,
"I love you... poser."
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Thanks for reading <3Any kind of feedback would be awesome. :D