Dreams of Tomorrow

Lya slammed the door shut and when she was sure no one was home, she let out a loud scream, gripping her hair. She did that a few times before kicking off her shoes and heading upstairs. Her first reaction was to put the music on and raise the volume, Green Day’s “Good Riddance” started filling the whole house as she walked to the bathroom and decided to take a bath. She let the water fill the tube as she headed back to her room and tried to order her desk a little. She was stressed, the events of the previous days were just nerve wrecking for her. Those girls… Oh how she wanted to slit their throats…

“I want Billie Joe’s babies…” she mumbled in a high pitch voice, doing a weird hand gesture which send papers on her desk to fly around the room.

“Fuck it…” she snapped, rubbing her forehead. She went to check the water and then once she was back in her room, she proceeded in gathering the discarded papers.

Seriously, she’d have never thought returning to school would be so hard… Sure, she had Johnny. She was thankful to him for going to sit next to her when he saw she was on the bus. She kind of expected him to ignore her, just how Jimmy did during the holidays, but much to her surprise he didn’t and pulled her into a tight hug as soon as he was seated next to her. The gesture startled her, but also made her want to cry in relief, she wasn’t alone. The drive was silent, until they both got off the bus and Johnny dragged her to his house. He forced her to sit down in his room and kept starring at her until she explained the whole situation to him. He had been a great listener, and for once, didn’t even interrupt her… She told him everything from her first reaction when she met Billie Joe as her mother’s best friend to where she was now.

What surprised her, and not in a good way was how Jimmy failed to notice her presence… He wasn’t just clueless to her presence, he was simply ignoring her. And it hurt her feelings. She wanted to talk to him, to explain to him, but he surely wouldn’t be as understanding as Johnny had been. Her relationship with him was different that the one she had with Johnny, or the one she had with Brian…

Brian… She could still see his reaction when she had asked him to get out. She probably shouldn’t have done that… But she, again, acted on impulse and failed to think about the consequences…
She saw him at lunch, well not really saw him, she just caught a glimpse of him when he had entered the cafeteria.

It felt weird to her… She, somehow, expected one of them to step up every time those groupies were harassing her… But they never came, and they kept going, completely clueless, not even noticing her presence… As if, she was invisible to them, like they had erased her…
Guess she wasn’t that important to them…

And those nightmares… They were killing her… She was dying for a peaceful night of sleep, without waking up sweating and screaming.
She just wanted to curl up in bed and die. Yes die, not sleep… Well, figure of speech, of course.

She had a sever lack of motivation. She had nothing to do… Well, nothing seemed appealing to her… She had a severe lack of motivation for doing her homework. She didn’t want to read, she didn’t want to watch TV or a movie, she didn’t want to laugh or take a walk… She just wanted to have a good night of sleep, peaceful sleep without dreams. She wanted her mind to be blank, empty…

She clenched her jaw, her eyes whelming up for no reason.
“Fuck it” she swore as she stripped down from her jeans and T-shirt. She went to the bathroom and turned off the tap. She stripped from the rest of her clothes and climbed in the tub. She sighed as the burning hot water engulfed her body. She laid down, her head resting on the edge of the tub.

“Don’t think… Don’t think…” she whispered, pressing her temples.

__

“Lya, Sweetie, we’re home!” called Suzan as David closed the door behind them.

“Lya…?” she called again, no answer.

“She should be home, no?” asked David, hanging his coat.

“It’s 7pm, of course she should be home… Unless, maybe she went to see one of her friends?” asked Suzan, her tone hopeful as she was taking off her shoes.

“I doubt it… Knowing her, she’s probably asleep…” said David, shaking his head sadly.

“What happened to her? It feels like we’re back to square one… Where’s Jimmy? Do you think we should call Billie Joe?” asked Suzan.

David grabbed her hands and held them tightly.
“She’s a strong girl, she’ll surpass this. Whatever happened between her and her friends, it’s only temporary… Have some faith, Honey…” he said.

“But… It hurts to see her like that… Why can’t she be like that young girl she used to be, with a good spirit and smile…” whispered Suzan, head down, sorrow filling her voice.

“I know it hurts… But she’s probably hurting more than us… I think the best thing for us to do right now is to wait for her to have that epiphany, to realize that the world isn’t as dark as it seems to her at the moment… I have faith in that kid… I’m sure she’ll wake up one day and realize that, life is worth living.” Said David, kissing his wife’s temple and letting go of her hands. “She’s probably asleep, she hasn’t been sleeping well this day. Let’s just leave her be for the moment… She’ll come down if she’s hungry.”

And so Suzan when to prepare dinner while David went to the living room to watch TV.
__

Johnny’s words had strike a nerve that kid sure had guts to talk to them the way he had. But he had a point, Jimmy would give him that.
And now, he felt like shit… Thoughts of Lya filling his restless mind. He tried to stay unaffected, at least pretended to as he went to attend his afternoon classes but he rushed out of school and headed straight back to his house afterwards. Brian had taken his own car and had been ever since Lya had left school before the Christmas break.

Jimmy was now in his room, frowning as he starred at the ceiling, lying on his bed. Lya was the only person on his mind as he remembered her face the day she had met Billie Joe, her panic attack, then he remembered her face at the Green Day show, when she saw him on stage, he remembered her eyes when he went to pick her up to go to San Francisco…
He remembered the pain that flashed through her eyes when he blurted out her secret at the music store.
No matter how hard she could try to hide her emotion, she couldn’t… Her face was like an open book, especially her eyes. Just by one look on her face, you’d know how she felt, how her mood was.

He remembered her smile, the fake ones and the rare real ones, showing off her dimples. He was a moron, he had acted on impulse and he should have talk to her face to face instead of acting like a reckless jerk.

Johnny’s words filled his mind…
Athalya wasn’t fine…
What did he meant by that… And why did he look at him when saying that… Doubts made their way in his mind. She wasn’t fine… What if she had done something… His eyes widened and he jumped out of the bed, grabbing his keys and running out of his house.

“I’m heading to Lya’s” was the only thing he said to his mother as he flew out of the door and ran to his car. He didn’t pay attention on the road, his heart beating fast as he anxiously slammed his feet on the gas pedal. He had to get there as fast as he could. Maybe he was just over reacting, maybe she wasn’t that stupid to do something like that… But maybe she finally gave up… He would feel responsible for that, because he let her down… His eyes darken. He parked the car in the driveway in a hurry and headed to the front door. His hand was shaking as he rung the doorbell once, twice and a third time. No answer.

“Lya, open the freaking door! It’s not fucking fun-…” he stopped mid-sentence as the door opened, revealing Suzan.

“Jimmy? What’s going on?”

“Where’s Lya?” he asked, panicked.

“She’s upstairs…” Suzan was cut off by Jimmy.

“Can I talk to her?” he asked, hurriedly.

“I think she’s asleep…”

But Jimmy didn’t listen, he took off his shoes in a hurry, even taking one of his socks off in the process. He rushed upstairs and headed straight for her room. He could hear music playing, he raised his fist to knock on the door but stopped at the last moment and dropped his hand. He just twisted the knob and entered the room. It was kind of dark, the curtains were drawn. And there she was, lying on her bed.
The covers were only up to her waist, she was curled up on her side, her head between the two pillows. Jimmy walked up to her bed and sat down next to her.

He switched on the small lamp on her bedside table and took a good look at her face. He brushed some strand of hair away from her eyes and starred at her face.
She seemed restless, her skin was pale, she had dark circles under her eyes and she was still frowning, even in her sleep. Jimmy clenched his jaw and let out a deep sigh, the back of his hand slowly caressing her cheek.

Lya let out a deep sigh and she shifted in her sleep before her eyes fluttered open.
"Jimmy...?" she asked in a whisper. She frowned and rubbed her eyes, thinking it was only a dream.

"Hey Lya..."

Hearing his voice, she knew it wasn't a dream. She sat up and starred at him, her stare quickly turning into a glare.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Lya, I was worried about you... I thought you might do something stupid... And also, I wanted to apologize." he said, reaching to touch her face. She slapped his hand away, her green eyes boring into his blue eyes.

"Why would you care all of a sudden... I don't want to see you now. What are you doing in my room, get out!" she said, getting up and grabbing his arm, dragging him away from her bed.

Jimmy was stunned by her reaction and didn't even fight back as he was dragged away. He wasn't expecting that reaction from her, really.

"Lya, I..."

"You're sorry?! So am I! Please get out Jimmy, I don't want to deal with you now..." she whispered as they were standing in front of one other. Jimmy knew better than to try and talk to her when she was like that, so reluctantly, he took a step back and walked down the stairs. She kept starring at his back, trying to ignore the look of hurt she saw in his eyes, and trying to ignore this feeling of guilt.

She shook her head and her bedroom door slammed shut before his feet touched the last step of the staircase.

Athalya went back to bed and buried her face under her pillows, her cheek pressed against paper. She frowned and took the paper away. She let out a sigh as she took the picture out of the envelop. She let the envelop fall on the floor and held the oh-so cherished picture in her hands, at arm length.
Picture of her first encounter with Billie Joe Armstrong, the singer/guitarist and, more importantly, the man who writes the lyrics of their songs. That memory was still fresh in her mind, she was trying hard to remember every single detail, afraid to forget, even the slightest detail of what she considers one of the best day of her life. The day she met him.
She will always remember the moment when he had asked her if she had a camera with her and the small glint in his eyes when she had said 'yes'. That last part, she had probably imagined it. But who cares, it was her memory, she was free to add details if she wanted. Something was true though, she hadn't imagined it, it was the moment he handed her the picture and she read what he had written behind. His small smile, the glint in his eyes when her eyes met his. She sometimes wondered what her face was like when she realized that her 'hero' was standing in front of her.

Lya would never tell him, but she admired him even more from that day. Of course, her admiration only increased and became even stronger each day she spends by his side, but the way he told her... The way he used to let her know who he was, even though he already knew she was a fan... A very humble way. He could have just said: "I'm the leader of Green Day", but no. That's not what he said, and he didn't even 'say' it, he wrote it. Also, the way he had offered her his help in New York. She was no one at that time, he didn't even know who she was, but he offered her his help. He is human before being a rock star, and he is a friend, a husband and a father before being a rock star.

He was one of the best person she had ever known and will ever know.

Billie Joe meant so much to her, it went beyond comparison and explanations.
He had always been there for her through his music and lyrics, and now that she knows him personally, she knows that he was just a phone call away. And it wasn't a figure of speech, one call from her, and he'd be in the next plane.
It should make her feel special, but it didn't. She was just infinitely thankful to him, and his family.

She smiled at the picture, and let out a sigh before she took a close look at the picture and sighed again, her eyes slowly whelming up.
The contrast between them, in that picture, was quite clear.
He represented the 'bad' side, with his dark hair, clothes and everything while she was the 'good' side, in a way... But the contradiction was their eyes.
It wasn't just a physical contrast, it went beyond that. The eyes were the proof of that. To anyone, they would appear to be the same, but no. It wasn't just a difference of shape and shade of color, no. His were full of life and laughter, hers, they looked dead. As if her body was there but her soul had left. That was her impression every time she looked at that picture.

She extended her hand and her fingers brushed lightly across his face, her eyes fogged with tears.

"I wish I were like you, I wish I could not give a damn about the people around me and what they think about me... I wish I was as good of a person as you are..." she kept her eyes glued on his face. "I want to love life again..." she trailed off, her hold tightening on the picture.

"Why can't I be like you..." she whispered, her voice breaking slightly.

* *

She was drowning, suffocating. She could hear her heart beating, she felt her chest being compressed by the water surrounding her. She kept on fighting, struggling against the water. She let out a gasp as she felt something pulling at her ankle. Her eyes snapped open as she tried to kick that thing off and much to her surprise, she could see 'clearly', and it wasn't just water. She could see faces, she was about to scream when she recognized those faces, familiar faces.

Her mother, mostly, laughing. She realized that it was memories, scenery from the past. Her mother, her step father, friends back in France... She tried to reach out, try to touch them, while at the same time trying to reach the surface.

"Mom!" she cried out in her mind, as the image of her mother vanished and was replaced by images of her life in California. Johnny, Jimmy, Brian, and the rest of their friends, laughing at the Halloween party.
"Brian! Jimmy! Help!", trying to swim in their direction. She couldn’t move, she kept struggling as they vanished and it was replaced with images of a familiar house, her eyes widened in realization and Adrienne's face appeared, with Joey and Jakob with her.
Athalya kicked and struggled harder, she felt like crying, she tried to shout but it came out all muffled.
"Billie Joe!" she yelled in her mind as she caught sight of familiar green eyes. "Billie Joe!" She couldn't open her mouth, she tried to but it felt as if her lips were sealed.

He was standing in front of her, his hand held out for her, beckoning her to come closer.
"Billie Joe!" kicking and struggling in the water, trying to reach out for his hand.

"Stop struggling, start swimming." Said Billie Joe, frowning at her. She could him clearly.

Her movements slowed down and she felt herself going deeper. Her eyes widened in fright as she realized that something was still grabbing her ankle and pulling her down, deeper into the water.
Her eyes widened and she starred at Billie Joe with her eyes wide as she tried to kick her legs again. He frowned and shook his head, taking a step back.
"No! Billie Joe!" she panicked.

"Stop struggling, start swimming." he repeated. She stopped moving and closed her eyes, waiting for that thing to pull her down again, but to her surprise, she stayed in her position in the now calmer water. She slowly started swimming, she swam into his direction, but he shook his head and pointed to the surface.
She shook her head and let out a gasp as she was dragged down again.

"Stop struggling, keep swimming."

She moved her legs and arms and swam in direction of the surface, all the while, keeping her gaze on Billie Joe as he was now under her. She was doubting, she wanted to turn back.
"Billie Joe..." she whispered until she felt something on her shoulder, she looked up and next thing she knew, she was at the beach. She blinked a few times and starred at her surroundings, completely lost.

"Come out of the water! You'll get cold!" She turned around, facing the beach instead of the skyline and saw Billie Joe, in swimming shorts, waving at her to come closer.
She smiled and took a step forward, until she saw a girl with dark hair running past her.
She run out of the sea and Billie Joe immediately wrapped a towel around that girl's shoulder.

"What the hell were you doing over there, listen to me and follow me! Look at yourself now, your lips are purple... If you catch a cold, your mother will blame me!"

Lya's head snapped in the direction he was looking at and saw Adrienne with her two sons, waving at her. That girl waved back shyly and Billie Joe ruffled her hair. Lya couldn't see her face, only her back. She wanted to murder her... Literally.
"Yah!" she yelled, lightly pushing his shoulder. He chuckled and wrapped his arm around her, keeping her warm. Lya's eyes were burning her and she slowly walked towards the shore. She tried to keep her attention on that girl, try to catch a glimpse of her face, to know who she was.

From what she could see, whoever she was, she was in better shape than her and she had dark hair, pitch black.
Who was she? Billie Joe had never mentioned her before...

"Hey Jason, come over there buddy!" he called out to a random guy. That guy jogged to them. Billie Joe took a Polaroid camera from Jason's hand and pulled the girl closer to him, holding the camera at arm length.

"Smile for me baby!" he said before pressing the button.

Lya closed her eyes and shook her head. Her blood was boiling, she held her head between her hands, feeling like screaming.
That girl was confident enough to wrap her arm around his middle, resting her head against his shoulder. Lya's eyes whelmed up as she realized that she would never be able to do that... She would never have enough confidence to hug him like that...
It still felt weird and uneasy for her to hug him. She wished she could do it more often, but something was pulling her back, making her feel uneasy.

"Really, Jason... She's family..." Her head snapped up as she heard those words coming from Billie Joe's mouth and her eyes followed him as he looked at the damn girl, as Joey ran to her.

She clenched her fists, clenched her jaw and walked closer to them, hoping Billie Joe would finally notice her presence.

Memories of the cherished moment she spent with him and his family flashed in her mind as she saw Billie Joe smile at that girl. Whoever she was, she made him smile...
She starred at her feet, he never smiled at her like that.

"Show me the picture!"

Her head snapped up and she watch in despair as Billie Joe went to that girl and held out his hand.
She didn't hear her, but she must have asked him a question.

"Yes this one!" was his excited answer, taking a picture from her hands and holding it up to his eyes level. Lya ran to him and just as she was about to reach them, Billie Joe dropped the picture on the towel and went to help Jakob built a sandcastle.

"Billie Joe!" she panicked, running faster but he didn't turn around, kept jogging towards his son.

"Billie Joe..." she trailed off, watching him walk away from her. She starred down at the picture and bent down to pick it up, not caring whether that girl would see it or not.

"You filthy bitch... Who the hell are you...?" she muttered glaring at the back of her head as she walked towards Billie Joe, holding Joey by the hand. Her attention went back on the picture and she let out a gasp, her head snapping up only to see the girl looking at her from over her shoulder, their eyes met. Matching green eyes. That girl winked.

That's when Lya jolted awake, in sweats in the middle of her bed, tangled in the sheets.
It took her a few minutes to calm down and get her heartbeat back to normal.

"What the..." she started, her eyes wide, looking at her surroundings. She wiped her forehead and starred at the clock on her bedside table: 2.13pm.

"Huh?!" She untangled herself from the sheets and tried to get her balance before going to the door. It opened as she was about to twist the door knob.

"Mamie?" she asked, as she caught sight of her grandmother's face.

"Oh, sweetie!" she gushed, engulfing her granddaughter in a warm hug. "You scared me... You slept for more than 24hours honey... I thought something had happened to you... I called school..."

Lya cut her off, "24hours?"

"You slept the whole day yesterday..."

"I did...?" she wondered in a whisper. "Damn..." she mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

"How are you feeling Athalya? You scared us... Can I do anything for you?" asked Suzan, holding Lya's hands between her own.

Lya dropped her gaze for a moment, still feeling disturbed by her dream, but her eyes twinkled and she looked back at her grandmother, a small smile on her face.

"Could you cook something for me? I'm starving..."

"Really? Anything! What would you like to eat?" asked Suzan.

"Anything Mamie, I don’t mind as long as I can eat…” she trailed off. "And I'm going to shower..." She hugged her grandmother once more and walked back in her bedroom.

Suzan started at the ajar door, before looking up at the ceiling and held her hands together.
"Thank you God." she whispered before hurrying downstairs to start cooking for her granddaughter.

Lya grabbed some clean underwears, jeans and a T-shirt before going to the bathroom. She stripped down her PJs and stepped in the shower, she turned it on and waited for the water to warm up before she fully step under the water and let it pour on her as if it was rain.

Thoughts kept racing in her mind, all revolving around her weird dream. That girl... It was her. A much better version of her.
That feeling of jealousy she had towards that girl earlier had turn into a longing feeling. She wanted to be like her, she wanted to be like that 'version' of her. She tilted her head back and let the water hit her face.

No matter how long it would take, she would become her. She would become that girl with the dark hair and healthy body shape. That girl Billie Joe smiled at, it would be her. She was going to look like him.

She washed her hair and body. She got dressed and brushed her teeth, starring at the girl in the mirror. In no time, she was downstairs, sitting at the table in the kitchen and eating the food in her plate as if she hadn't eaten in years.

Suzan watched in awe as Athalya swallowed down the last piece of pancakes. She ate it all: eggs, bacon and pancakes. The whole plate, all the food was finished. Her grandmother would have cried.

"I need to buy a few things, I'll be back for dinner, okay Mamie?" she said as she took her plate, glass, knife and fork in the sink.

Suzan held Lya by the wrist as the young girl kissed her cheek and started to run off.

“Athalya… Please, tell me what’s going on… You scare me…”

Lya stopped and looked at her own grandmother, from over her shoulder. Her face was blank for a second, before she smiled.

“Don’t worry Mamie, it’s going to be just fine from now on. Everything is gonna be all right, I promise you.”

Suzan could only stare at her as Lya put her shoes on, grabbed her hoodie and left with her CD player in hands. It was with a lot of determination and a smile on her face that Athalya walked down the streets, heading to the nearest store.

That girl Billie Joe smiled at, it would be her. She was going to look like him, as if she were his own daughter.