Dreams of Tomorrow

Lya was starring at her suitcase, about to close it.

How she felt about going back to France? Her feelings were mixed. A part of her was glad to be back ‘home’ but the other part was afraid, scared of what she was going to see there… It couldn’t possibly have changed all that much during the last few months could it?

She let out a deep sigh and zipped her suitcase. She stood up and walked down the stairs, mentally doing a checklist. She nodded to herself and skipped the last two steps.

“Do you have everything?” asked Suzan, sitting at the kitchen table, sewing.

“I guess so… I checked twice. Plus, I’m only there for a short period of time.” Answered Lya, taking a glass and pouring some water in it.

“Can I ask you a question?”
She nodded.

“Lya, is everything all right between you and your friends?”

“It sure is Mamie. Why?”

“I haven’t heard you talk about the Brian kid for a while… Is he still around?”
Lya put the glass down and tilted her head.

“I… Of course he’s still around… I just haven’t seen him in a while… I guess he’s busy.”

“Lya… I know how you are, you just have the same temper as your mother… If he did something that didn’t ‘please’ you, just go and talk to him, instead of avoiding him… The poor kid must be mortified, he really cared about you. Whatever he did, it’s a shame you don’t talk to him anymore…”

“But Mamie… I swear, it’s not it. I’ve just been busy studying, nothing more…”

“Are you sure that’s all? I’ve been seeing a lot of Jimmy, but Brian used to be along… Does he know you won’t be around for the holidays?”

“Huh…” Lya trailed off, rubbing her neck. Damn… she couldn’t possibly have forgotten to tell Brian, did she?
She paused for a second and rested her back against the counter.
When was the last time she had seen him? Was it last week? Or the week before? She couldn’t recall…

“I think you should tell him, don’t you think…”

“Yah, I guess I should…” she mumbled, lightly pushing herself off the counter.

How come she didn’t notice Brian’s absence in her life? She wasn’t that busy with her studies, was she?

She was frowning as she put her shoes on and opened the front door.

Lya jumped over the fence and landed in Brian’s backyard, all the while still trying to analyze the situation. She knocked on the front door and waited a moment until she heard the lock and the door opened. Brian stood there, in shorts.

They starred at one other for a few seconds in silence, before Lya opened her mouth to speak.

“Huh… Hey Brian, I just want-”

“Sorry Athalya, I’m kinda in the middle of something…”

“Ah, euh well…” she trailed off, not knowing where to start and what to tell him.

“Wanted something?” he asked, lightly tapping his foot on the floor. Her eyes drifted to his foot and then back to him.

When was the last time she had seen him?

“I wanted to-” she wanted to ask him how he had been doing, but seeing his uninterested face and the fact that he was tapping his foot made her aware that her presence was unwelcomed at the moment.

“What?”

“Never mind…” she whispered, her gaze drifting to her shoes as she turned around and walked away.
Athalya had a bothered look on her face when she walked down the road, turning to head back to her grandparents’ house. She didn’t bother to jump over the fence separating their gardens, she didn’t felt like it.

Just exactly what went wrong between them?

She walked straight to her room and plopped down on the bed, her eyes scanning her room and landing on the photos she had placed on the wall. Pictures of Billie Joe and his family, of her grand parents and of her friends. As her eyes fell on Jimmy’s picture, she started smiling unconsciously and hugged her pillow.

“Lya? We need to get going sweetie…” called her grandfather from down the stairs.
She jumped from her bed and grabbed her suitcase. Taking one last glance at her room, she headed to the stairs, dragging her suitcase behind her.

* *

As Lya stepped into the airport, she was surrounded by a crowd of people, she managed to get her suitcase and headed to the train station.

When she finally arrived in Paris, for real, she was overwhelmed. Her ears were hurting, she just wanted to cover her ears and run away screaming at them to shut up. She left the train station, dragging her suitcase behind her.

People were hurrying past her, nudging her without apologizing. Sighing, she checked her watch, she decided to stop for a coffee. She entered the nearest café and sat at a table in a corner. She ordered a cappuccino and looked outside of the window, watching as people hurried down the streets.

The scenery seemed unfamiliar. She thanked the waitress and rested her head against her hand.
Why was she here again?

**

As Athalya sat in the train that would lead her to her hometown, she couldn’t help the sigh that left her lips. The sky was turning grey, it would probably rain before she would reach her destination.
And she was right, moments later, rain drops started to fall from the sky, lulling her to sleep.

**

As she tied her hair in a ponytail, she avoided looking at her face and instead focused on the reflection of the room in the mirror. It seemed unreal to her to be back in that place. It was around 11am and there she was, back in her high school, before her appointment.

She rested her hands on either side of the sink and took a few deep breaths before moving her shoulders. She straightened her clothes one last time and left the bathroom, entering the hall. She scanned the deserted all and walked to the secretary’s office.

The lady behind the counter took a few minutes before actually looking up from her book and looking at Athalya.

“May I help you?”

“Sure, I have an appointment with Mrs. Blondel.”

“What’s your name?”

“Athalya Am… Athalya Relva.”

The lady looked at her computer screen and then grabbed the phone. Lya looked at the walls, her eyes scanning the “Lost&found” box. Scarves, gloves, … Her mind went back to the day she had forgotten her scarf in the classroom and had to ran back the 3 flight of stairs before the teacher would walk out and close the door. Or that time she forgot her gloves and it was the cleaning lady who found them and gave them back to her… She smiled faintly.

“This way please.”

Lya was brought back to earth and she walked in the direction she mentioned, vaguely remembering going there before.

She was received by one of her former teacher, her English teacher. The woman wasn’t different than the last time she had seen her. Short auburn hair, her face slightly chubby, natural she was barely wearing make-up, her glasses up her nose and that friendly smile of hers.

“Athalya, please sit down” she warmly greeted her from behind her desk. Lya smiled and sat down in the chair, unzipping her coat.

“How have you been Athalya? How’s life in the United States?” she asked, her gaze not leaving Lya’s emotionless face.

“It’s getting better.” She replied. There was so much she wanted to say, but she couldn’t find the words to express herself, what she felt being back here.

The woman let out a tiny sight but kept smiling at the young woman, her former student. She had to admit that Lya had been in the top 3 of her students in English class. She had a gift for learning languages. But the tragedy that happened in her family made her even more shy and distant than before.

“So Athalya, tell me… why did you wanted to see me actually?”

Lya moved in her chair, sitting up straight.

“Well, actually, I’d like to graduate both in France and in the US, so I was wondering, how am I supposed to do you know… what are the formalities… do I have to come back here to take the exams and then back here to get the diploma, or…” she trailed off.

“You don’t have to come back here to take the exams… Well if you prefer, you can but otherwise you can take the exams at the nearest French high school in you area.” Explained Mrs. Blondel, resting her elbows on the desk.

“That’s possible, you sure?” asked Lya, unsure.

The teacher let out a small laugh, “Of course it is possible. Many students graduate with the French baccalaureate but didn’t bother to come back to France to do so.”

Lya frowned slightly, feeling stupid all of the sudden. Her shoulder fell and she leaned back in her chair.

“So… that mean I didn’t have to come back here…?” she asked, her voice quieter, almost a whisper.
“Like I said, you can, if you want. But it’s not a necessity.” She repeated, scanning Lya’s face as she slightly became paler. She frowned.

“Is there something wrong Athalya?”

Lya shook her head slowly, “No, I’m fine.” She blurted out. “Thank you for your advice.”

Mrs. Blondel stood up as Lya stood up. The teacher and former student shook hands briefly before Lya took her leave.

“Thank you Mrs. Blondel.” Said Lya, as she was about to leave.

“You’re welcome, good luck in your studies.” Lya nodded and left.

Lya left the office and ended up back in the hall, her head spinning lightly. She found herself heading towards the nearest bus stop, her mind blurry. She remembered getting on the bus and next thing she knew, she was at the cemetery.

How she went from the teacher’s office to the cemetery was a mystery, but neither less she was there now.

Coming back to her sense, she looked at her surrounding, vaguely remembering the place because last time she was there, she was more looking at her feet than looking at her surrounding. Her feet lead her to where she wanted to go, while her mind was else where, again.

When she came in sight of the tombstone, it felt to her as if her soul and ran back into her body, making her gasp slightly. Her vision was clear as she started walking faster and faster; restraining herself from running, she finally reached the tombstone and her eyes scanned the words engraved in the marble. Shania Relva. She shivered slightly, and knelled down on the tomb. She tilted her head to the side, looking at the plants and words that had been putted there by family, friends or strangers.
She noticed a piece of marble that said “To our dear teacher, may you forever dance in the sky, rest in peace”, from the school where her mother used to teach dance.

Her eyes then rested on the picture of her mother engraved in the marble of the tombstone. Her eyes started watering. She lifted her head and looked up at the grey sky, blinking a few times to stop herself from crying.

“ Hi Mom. I’m back…” Lya trailed off in her thoughts, not knowing where to start, so many thoughts ran through her head. “I’ve been doing good I guess… But you probably know that already. Hmm… You know, I came back here to see if I could graduate both in France and in the US, but right now Mrs. Blondel, you remember her right?, well she just told me that I didn’t have to come to France to take the exams… I should be glad you know, no need to be jetlag again, but somehow I feel, I don’t know… empty. Like, the only good reason I had found to go to France was to take those exams, but you know, I… I just don’t know anymore. I thought coming to France would make me feel better you know, like a breath a fresh air… but it doesn’t really… It’s the opposite in a way…” Lya closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing for a moment.

“Being here, in France, it just… doesn’t feel right anymore… You know the house, it’s… It’s just not our house anymore. I feel uneasy there, David did some ‘arrangements’ in there, and it’s just weird now. It doesn’t have the homey feeling anymore. It feels like a stranger house, and I don’t feel welcome here. I thought it would be nice to take a break from my slightly ‘invasive’ friends but… It just doesn’t feel right anymore Mom. I… Ever since I came back, 4 days ago, I just expect them to be here or when it’s too quite at home I almost expect Jimmy or Brian to burst through the door, dragging me to play baseball with them or anything… I guess… I guess I miss them somehow. Mum, they were here when I needed them the most. Even when I had that ‘down’ moment and I went to SF for a while, they kept in touch… Sometimes, sometimes I feel like I’m not thankful enough… I should thank them everyday for there support, especially Brian and Jimmy, oh and Johnny to in a way… Also, Mamie and Papy are sweethearts, putting up with those invasive friends of mine, never rising their voice to me even when I’m wrong…”

Lya stood up and took off her coat, putting in on the ground and she sat down, resting her back against the tombstone. She sighed slightly, rubbing her arms.

“And Billie Joe… The man is amazing and his family takes after him. I wish I had known him before, I can’t help but wonder what it’d have been like if I had known him when you were still with me. You know Mum, if I was baptized, I’d have like Billie Joe to be my godfather. He’s like a father to me, more than David. I feel bad thinking that but, in the short time I’ve spent with Bi, he’s been acting more like a father figure than David did in all those years. I wish I could talk to David though, but since you went away, it’s like there’s a gap between us. Like, you were the bridge that held this ‘somewhat’ family together but now that you’re not here anymore, we don’t have any reason to be together anymore… And he hates Billie Joe, and it’s reciprocal.
And David, he wants to sell the house… He said he would give me half of the benefit of the sell, I don’t even want the money… I think I’d prefer keeping your stuff. But I talked about it with Bi once, he said I should ask for 75%... I don’t like the idea of fighting over money… Anyway, I don’t know anymore… Should I go back to France to take the exams or stay with my family? It feels weird to say that word, knowing you’re not here to be a part of it Mom…”

Lya brought her legs to her chest, wrapped her arms around it and rested her chin on top of her knees. “I felt worst these past days than I’ve felt the last month… It’s not that I don’t think about you, but I’ve been putting my life back on tracks on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, near the Pacific coast… I truly thought being here would make me feel better, but now, even when I walk down the streets, I feel like I don’t belong here anymore…”

Lya tilted her head back and looked at the sky.
“Mom, would you hate me if I told you I didn’t wanted to come back here anymore?”