Dreams of Tomorrow

“Listen dude, I understand what you mean but for real, she’s upset…” said Jimmy, sprawled on Brian’s couch.

“I don’t see how that’s any of my concern…” muttered Brian.

“Come on Brian, don’t be like that all right? I don’t even get it why you just stopped talking to her. She’s really upset. Did you know that she started to learn guitar?” said Jimmy, taking a sip from his drink.

Brian rolled his eyes, “I’m all right Jimmy, I’m happy for her if she’s learning guitar. I don’t get it, what do you want me to do?” he asked, exasperated.

Jimmy sat up, “I want you to talk to her, face to face, to look at her eyes and tell her that you don’t care about her all that much anymore.”

“It’s not that I don’t car…”

“You’re scared.”

“… Of what?”

“Of being weak in front of her, I’m pretty sure that if you had seen her yesterday when she was talking to me about you not talking to her, you wouldn’t be reacting that way right now.”

“Come on Jimmy, she’ just a gir…”

“No Brian, Kate is just a girl, not Athalya.”

“Don’t talk like that about my girlfriend”

“Then do not ignore your best friend.” Snapped Jimmy. “You know you’re wrong, you punched me because you were jealous! And instead of trying to get her, you’re pushing her away. You can’t do that, at least not without explanations…” mumbled Jimmy, getting up. “I don’t want to see her get upset about you anymore.”

**

“And also, remember than in less than one month you’ll have our annual father-daughter / mother-son dance…” recalled the teacher as the bell had rung and students were gathering their stuff.

Lya grabbed her bag and stormed out of the room. She went to the bathroom and locked herself in waiting for the students to fill out of the building before quietly washing her face and heading out, her head down.

She walked slowly towards the parking lot, her heart heavy.
“You know, it’s going to be the father-daughter dance soon, I wonder if Athalya’s going to come. Since I heard she’s an orphan and all.”

Athalya froze and slowly turned her head to look at the person who had spoken. She would have recognized her from miles away. She clenched her fists. All that time she had been waiting for a good reason to hit her, and she just crossed the line.

Lya jumped on Kate making both of the girls roll on the floor.

“Lya!” yelled Michelle, rushing to the scene.

Kate’s friends started shouting, trying to get near the two girls wrestling on the grass.

“Athalya, get off her!” yelled Matt, pushing the girls away, trying to come closer. Lya got up, grabbed Kate by the collar and slammed her back against the trunk of the nearest tree.

“How dare you talk about my family behind my back!” she snarled, “You think you know me, huh?”

“Kate!” yelled Brian, seeing his girlfriend being held up against a tree. He got out of his car and rushed to the scene but stop dead in tracks when he saw who was holding her.

Lya tightened her grip. “Just ‘cause you’re going out with one of my friends makes you one of mine.” She yelled. “You don’t talk about my family when you don’t know anything.”

“What happened?” asked Jimmy, talking to Kate’s friends.

“We… we were getting out of class and the teacher told us that the father-daughter dance would be soon. We were talking about it and then Kate mentioned that it might be difficult for Lya, difficult because it might be a painful time for her, because she’s living with her grandparents…” said a girl, glancing at her friend.
“She wasn’t insulting you!” yelled one of Kate’s friends, trying to calm down Lya.

“An orphan” yelled Lya, turning to face the girl who had spoken. “That’s what she called me.”

“Lya, let her go you’re going to choke her!” said Jimmy, leaving the girls and coming closer to the tree.

“She called me an orphan…” she whispered, her fingers opening as Jimmy rested his hands on her shoulder. Michelle was holding her hand to her mouth, her eyes watering as Lya slowly let go of Kate’s shirt, enabling her to start breathing normally. Kate reached out for Lya’s arm, trying to apologize. But Lya turned back, “Don’t touch me.” She whispered, her voice broken.
Kate fall back against the tree, starring with wide eyes as Lya walked away, ignoring her friends calling her name.

“Shit!” she whispered, running a hand through her hair as Jimmy gave her a disgusted look, running after his friend.

**

“Lya! Come out! For fuck sake Athalya!” yelled Jimmy, knocking on her front door. “I know you’re in there, come out Lya!”

“Jimmy, I…”

Jimmy turned around and glared at Brian,

“Just go man, leave her alone.”

“Listen, I’m so…”

“Sorry? Kate just crossed the fucking line. She called Lya an orphan. Goddamn it Brian, control your girlfriend. Who does she think she is, huh? Do you not how hurtful it might have been for Lya? First you ignore her, then your girlfriend calls her an orphan.”

“But it’s…”

“No Brian, I’m warning you…” Said Jimmy, starring at his best friend.

“I was going to say it’s a misunderstanding.” Said Brian, looking down. “But Jimmy, technically Lya doesn’t have parents anymore, I’m just saying that Kate probably didn’t pay attention to the words she chose.”

“Shut up Brian, and so what if she doesn’t have parents anymore, it’s none of Kate’s business. You know how Lya gets when someone mentions her family, that word, coming from Kate was completely uncalled for.”

Brian ran his hand through his hair, “I don’t know what to do Jimmy… I’m torn. Do you think she would listen to me?”

“She’s ignoring me, I doubt she’d talk to you.” Said Jimmy, walking away from Lya’s doorstep. “I don’t think you realize what went through Lya’s head when she heard your girlfriend say that… To Lya, Kate’s the reason why you ignore her. And she doesn’t get it, because in her logic: friend comes first, girlfriend/boyfriend second. And then Kate allowed herself to judge Lya, in front of others… Of course Lya overreacted, but if Kate knew Lya, she should have expected that outburst sooner or later.”

“You’re just finding excuses for Lya, she’s always over-reacting…” said Brian, following Jimmy to his car.

“If I don’t, who will?” he said. “I thought you really liked her, but now I wonder.” Said Jimmy, as he got in his car, before starting the engine and driving off.

**

It was getting close to 10pm when there was a knock at the door. The door unlocked and it cracked open.

“Can I help you?”

“I… Is Jimmy here?”

The young woman nodded, “Jimmy? Someone’s here for you.”

Footsteps could be heard and the young woman disappeared as Jimmy opened the door wider.

“Athalya? What are you doing here? Come in!”

Lya carefully took a step inside Jimmy’s house, holding her hoodie close to her shivering body.

“Sorry to bother you Jimmy.” She whispered, taking off her muddy shoes.

“It’s all right Lya, I was worried. Come on, are you hungry?”
She nodded shyly.

“Does your grandmother knows you left?” he asked, showing her the way to the kitchen.

“They left for the week.” She mumbled, trailing behind him. Jimmy frowned.

“Hey Mum, do you have some chicken left?” he asked, coming into the kitchen.

“I guess I do, are you hungry already?” asked the woman, turning around to look at his son. She frowned when she saw the young woman at his side.

“Mum, this is Athalya, Athalya, my mother.” Introduced Jimmy.
His mother’s face softened when she heard the name. Must be the girl he kept talking about, the one she had yet to meet.

“Nice meeting you Madam Sullivan.” Said Lya in a small voice.

“Nice meeting you Athalya, please take a sit.” Lya nodded and followed Jimmy to the table. She stayed silent as Jimmy mother set a plate a cold chicken in front of her.

“Thank you Ma’am Sullivan” she said as Jimmy’s mother left the kitchen.

Lya started eating, not looking at Jimmy. He looked at her as she started eating, her eyes focused on the chicken.
When she was done, Jimmy put her plate and fork in the sink before grabbing her wrist and pulling her done the hallway and down the stairs, in the basement.

Lya looked at his room, her eyes wide opened. Posters of drummers and metal bands, clothes everywhere, drums in a corner, a sink and a mirror, and behind some sort of curtains was his bed. She followed him to his bed, silently.

“Are you okay Lya?”

“I’m sorry to bother you Jimmy… I feel stupid for my reaction this afternoon.” She mumbled, burying her face in her hands.
Jimmy sat closer to her and wrapped his arm around her.

“Hey Lya, it’s okay…”

“But I nearly choked her, I feel like a monster… She’s right, I’m an orphan…” she whispered.

“Lya, just forget it ever happened ok? If you were ten years older, I would say that it’s time for you to grow up, but you’re 17… If you’re upset, then express yourself. If you hold back too much, one day you’ll burst and it’ll be uglier than today. You didn’t choked her Lya, you pushed her against a tree, you didn’t hit her.”

“But she’s Brian’s girlfriend…”

“And Brian’s your best friend, but it has nothing to do with him come on Lya, stop thinking about it. Life might be harder than this when you grow up, you’ll face other situation and you won’t be able to solve them with your fists… The best advice I can give you is to learn how to control yourself now, you’re not a monster Lya, but you have so much anger in you… You need to let it out.”
Lya stayed silent, clenching her fists and unclenching them.

“Sometimes… I get so angry I want to punch something…” she whispered “It scares me… Like, when I saw it was Kate that said I was an orphan, instead of saddening me, it made me want to hit her pretty face.” She sighed. “But I knew it was wrong, and then I saw Michelle on the verge of crying…”

“Lya, Michelle cried because she felt sorry for you, because of what Kate said. She doesn’t think you’re a monster.”

“But I feel like one.” She whispered, her voice broken. “I thought I was seeing the light I thought I was feeling better but then Brian doesn’t talk to me, and I almost murdered his girlfriend. But I don’t want to go back to square one Jimmy, I want to be able to get out of this mess… I’m afraid if I continue like this I’ll end up in a nut house…”

“Lya, hey look at me.” Said Jimmy, holding her face between his hands. “You’re not a monster, let me you tell you something : Matt and I got kicked out of a catholic private school. Matt once almost burnt down the school and the next day, the headmaster got a heart attack. Does that make us a monster in your eyes?” she blinked. Jimmy continued, “Matt got kicked out of his parents’ house at least twice, he got his first tattoo at the age of 14 but his parents didn’t knew about it until he was 15. Does that make you change your mind about him?” she shook her head.

“I don’t care.”

“That’s cause he’s a great friend.” Said Jimmy, as a matter of fact. “Lya, you can punch Brian’s girlfriend if it makes you feel better, and I’d still love you.”

Lya bit her lip, before throwing her arms around him, hugging him.

“You’re not a monster, you wouldn’t be my friend if you were one.”

**

He felt her stretch in his arms and then he felt her cold feet on his legs. He winced but kept quiet as Lya let out a small, satisfied sight and snuggled against his chest.
She had fallen asleep on his bed, and he didn’t feel like waking her up. It was getting close to 7am, he would have to wake her up soon.
Sometimes, he felt like he could get use to it, falling asleep while holding her in his arms. But there was always a nagging feeling at the back of his head, telling him to not fall in love with her… He knew he was competent as a friend, but could he love her the way she deserved? He shook his head on his pillow. He couldn’t go out with her, not with Brian still uncertain about her…

“Jimmy?”

He looked down and saw Lya with her eyes half opened.

“What time is it?” she whispered, rubbing her eyes.

“Close to 7am, we need to get up.”

She nodded and pushed herself up. She yawned and sat up, starring at Jimmy.

“Can I borrow your clothes?” she asked, scratching her head.

“Sure…” said Jimmy, getting up and going to his wardrobe, taking out a T-shirt, boxer and socks. He handed them to her and showed her the way to the bathroom.

She thanked him.

**

Lya yawned as she entered the park, stretching her arms above her head.

“Hey!” she said, trying to sound cheerful as she caught sight of her friends. Michelle rushed to her, engulfing her in a hug, shortly followed by Val.

“We came to your house last night, you weren’t there. We thought you might want to have some company…” said Michelle, before taking a look at Lya and then turned to look at Jimmy.

“Isn’t that your T-shirt?” asked Val, raising an eyebrow at Jimmy.

Jimmy took a drag from his cigarette and smiled his wicked smile.
“It sure is, why?”

“How did it end up on Lya?” asked Michelle, smiling.

“I slept at Jimmy’s house” said Lya, yawning. The rest of her friends laughed lightly, joking. “You sure you got some sleep?” joked Justin.

She mock glared at him, “Jimmy’s like family to me, of course we just slept, and with clothes on if you wonder.” She added, sticking her tongue out. Before turning to Zack.

“Hey Zacky, would you mind teaching me baseball?” she asked, rubbing her neck.
He looked at her, surprised.

“You’re serious?” she nodded.

“I think I should give it a serious try, do better than last time.”

Zack grabbed his baseball bat and threw the glove and the ball at Matt. Before nodding. Matt caught the ball and jogged a little further away.

Lya shrugged her shoulders a few times, getting ready.
“All right” mumbled Zacky, giving her the baseball bat. “Your elbow up, yeah, like that. Careful, yeah ok. Know you wait for Matt to throw the ball, when you feel it’s time, you hit.” He said, before taking a few step back.

Lya took a deep breath and starred at Matt’s hand. He threw the ball, Lya waited a few seconds and hit. The ball barely hit the bat and dropped lamely on the grass. She sighed.

“Come on Lya, focused.” Said Zacky, patting her shoulder. “Think about something you’re angry about, picture it, imagine it’s the ball. When it comes near you, you don’t want to have anything to do with it, so you kick it, hard. So it won’t come back anymore.” He explained, hoping it would help her. She nodded and got ready.

She bent her knees slightly, starred at the ball in Matt’s hand and pictured the ball to be a small box, full of bad memories, of anger, of hate. She held her breath as Matt threw the ball, she swung the ball and it went just a little further away. She made a face.

“Come on Lya…” encouraged Michelle, smiling.
Lya rolled up the sleeves of her hoodie and got ready again, she pictured it to be the dark small box again … She bit her lip and focused on the ball. She was about to swung the bat when she caught sight of Brian. It came out as a reflex, when she saw his face, she swung the bat, putting all her strength in it. The bat hit the ball and went flying over, barely missing Matt’s head.
She kept her eyes on him, waiting for him to look at her, the bat still in her hands. She didn’t hear Zacky congratulating her, all she could see was Brian, walking towards his friends, hugging the girls and the guys. He didn’t turn to look at her.

She let out a frustrated sight, holding the bat over her shoulder again, giving a murdering look to the ball in Matt’s hand. She clenched her teeth, and when Matt threw the ball, she swung the bat. This time, Matt had to crouch down to avoid the ball.
“Nice shot Lya.” Said Justin, laughing.

She bit her lip and mumbled an apologize.

Brian was sitting with his friends, barely looking at Lya until he heard Justin’ voice. He turned to look at Lya. She had no make up on her face, her hair was a mess, her jeans slightly dirty, her shoes muddy… The only think that actually look decent was her T-shirt. He frowned, wasn’t that Jimmy’s T-shirt? He turned to speak to his best friend when the baseball was dropped near his feet. He felt Lya’s presence. He held his breath, expecting her to talk to him but she kept on walking, towards Justin.
He watched her as she crouched down and started picking at the grass, mumbling something to Justin who was trying his best not to laugh at her.

**

When she came back home on Wednesday, she was curious to see a letter addressed to her. She grabbed it and hurried back home, throwing her bag by the door as she slammed the door behind her. She grabbed a knife in the kitchen and hastily cut opened the brown envelop. She opened the paper and starred at it, her eyes scanning the words until it stopped on two peculiar words : inscription refusée (registration refused).
She brought her hand to her mouth, clutching the letter in her other hand.

“I can’t… I can’t graduate” she breathed out. She stumbled and held onto the table, crumpling the letter even more.
She didn’t feel like crying, nor did she wanted to scream, she just felt… empty.

As if life had been taken out of her. As if everything she had been looking for had vanished, everything she was looking forward to was linked to that letter and it all became wrecked.
She rushed to her room, slamming the door behind her as she threw herself on her bed.

She couldn’t pass the French diploma.

If she couldn’t take the French exams, she wouldn’t pass, if she doesn’t pass, she cannot go with Green Day on tour, they won’t let her, if she can’t go on tour with Billie Joe, she doesn’t have anything to look forward to.
She starred at her mirror, seeing all the sticky notes around it, she got up slowly.
No, she had nothing to look forward to now.

“I’d rather die…” she whispered, starring at her reflection in the mirror. How could she be refused… They said it was too late and that some papers were missing. It had taken her hours to gather the right documents and get copy done.

“Fuck !” she yelled, slamming her fist in her reflection, aiming at her face.

“Fuck you Athalya Shania Relva, fuck you!” she yelled. It took her a second to realize her bloody knuckles and the pain in her hand.
She starred as the blood slowly came out of her wounds, dripping on her skin. She wanted to puke as she grabbed some tissues to swab her knuckles. She then decided to pick up the broken pieces of mirrors. She tried to be careful but she heard the doorbell rang. She was caught off guard and clenched her hand on the piece, making the sharp side cut through her hand. She brought her right hand to her mouth, letting out a shriek. She tried to ignore the pain, not wanting to go downstairs.
The door bell rang again, followed by several knock on the door. She sighed, grabbed the closest thing she found and wrapped the grey T-shirt around her wounded hand.

She walked downstairs, clutching her hand close to her chest, wincing at the pain. She unlocked the door and peek outside.
She froze as she starred at the person before her, and opened the door wider.

“Brian, what are you doing here?”

“I came to…” his eyes then drifted to the grey fabric wrapped around her hand. It had some dark spot on it, looking like blood. “What happened to your hand?”

She took a step back, looking down with a mix of fear, shame and surprise.

Brian immediately forgot why he came here in the first place, all he could see was the blood stained fabric tightly wrapped tightly around her left hand.

“Athalya, come here show me your hand.”

She bit her lip, and then slowly extended her arm. Brian grabbed a hold of her wrist and then unwrapped the blood stained T-shirt. He frowned at the gash on her palm, and turned her hand, seeing scratches and small gashes on her knuckles.

“What the hell happened?”
She said nothing.

“Fuck it Lya, I’m taking you to the hospital. You need to get stitches.” He said, wrapping the fabric against her hand again and pushing her out of the house, grabbing her keys and her hoodie. He locked the door behind them and walked with her to his car.
She said nothing as she sat on the passenger seat, buckling her seatbelt with her free hand.

The drive to the hospital was silent. Lya kept her eyes cast on her wounded hand. Memories flashing back in her head.
The letter, the words, the realization of her failure, the mirror, her reflection, her hate and then pain and blood.

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she kept pressing her wound.

If only it wasn’t Brian who had knocked, if only it had been Jimmy…

She felt herself being taken out of the car, and guided to the hospital.

It seemed to her that her stay at the hospital lasted a life time.

She hated hospitals.

She felt the bile rose in her throat as the all too familiar scent filled her nose.

She felt light-headed as she was taken to a room. The doctor stood there with a reassuring smile on his face, a smile that was familiar as well, the same one that was placed on the doctor’s face as he told her her mother would die before her birthday.
Lya looked down at the white tilled floor.

She heard Brian talking to her, asking her questions but she couldn’t talk to him. Then she saw the needle in the doctor’s hand, coming closer to her wounded palm. She felt the blood drain from her face. She tried to retrieve her hand but Brian was holding her wrist against the table.

“It’s going to hurt” whispered Brian and Lya looked down, still not speaking.

”You’ll be all right.” Said the doctor, patting her head as she was holding her mother’s bony hand. Shania had been lying there for too long, not being able to get up anymore. Tubes were coming in and out of her.

“It’s allright Athalya, she won’t feel a thing”. Said David as the nurse came back with yet another substance in a needle, she carefully put the needle on Shania’s arm. Lya had to leave the room, not able to bear the sight any longer.

She felt the needle pierce through her skin, stitch after stitch until her wound was sewed.

She imagined the pain her mother must have felt every time a needle pierced her skin, adding yet more substance to her sickened body. She clenched her jaw.

She felt something warm on her left hand and looked up only to see Brian’s hand clenching hers. Their eyes met for a brief moment. Brian’s head was swirling with thoughts as his eyes met hers. Her eyes that were back to their green shade were now back to darken green. They seemed empty, dead.

He gave her hand a squeeze, but she dropped her gaze back to the floor again.

How could she face him, them when she felt so low. She felt ashamed, bothering them with her French exams, only to not be able to take them. It was worse than failing, because she wasn’t given the chance to prove herself.

She managed to whisper a “thank you” before leaving.
Athalya wanted to go back to her house and sleep. Just sleep. Hoping that the next day, she’d have the strength to face herself in the mirror.

“Lya, when was the last time you ate?”

She blinked, brought back from her thoughts. She looked at Brian, as he opened the door for her.

“Huh?”

“Your stomach is grumbling.” He stated.

She pressed her free hand on her stomach. Indeed, she felt hungry.
“Come on, let’s go eat something.” He said.

She rubbed her hands together, and shuddered. She was cold, tired, hungry, sick and light headed. She wrapped her hoodie closer to her body and sunk down in her seat.

Brian stopped the car and opened the door for her.

She excused herself and went straight to the bathroom. She did her business and then washed her face with water.
When she walked out, Brian was sitting at a table with one tray in the middle of the table.

She sat down in front of him and starred down at the food.

**

Brian starred at the curled up form on the couch, unable to tear his eyes of her.
When he took her to eat, she ate as if she hadn’t eaten for days. Then, he took her back to her house. He went to the bathroom and when he came back, Lya was asleep on the couch, her hoodie used as a cover. He sat down by her feet.

He frowned at the hoodie, realizing that she had been wearing it for a while. As he looked at her, he realized that it was his hoodie. He had lend it to her one day, and forgot to ask it back.

Remembering that she had been wearing it a lot, it warmed his heart a bit. He looked at her wounded hand, he thought back to the moment he saw the blood on her hand and felt sick. He didn’t particularly like the sight of blood, but seeing it on her hand made it difficult for him to bear the sight.

Brian thought back to one night when Kate cut her finger with a paper, she kept whining about it the whole night… Or when Jimmy got cut while running with scissors, he didn’t say much, just starred at the blood, thinking it was pretty cool.

But Lya, she didn’t say much, she just looked uncomfortable at the hospital and looked scared and elsewhere most of the time.
He thought she would get angry at him for ignoring her, he thought she would at least pretend to be mad. But none of that, she just stay quiet.

He sighed and decided to go to her room, to try to understand what had happened.

It had been a while since he last walked into her room. Much had changed, posters had been moved, pictures had been added and she had a bookshelf full with their presents for her birthday. Her guitar was placed in the corner, not far from her bed. It was an acoustic guitar, it was black, and the strings were brand new.
Brian walked over to the guitar and took it from its stand, he sat down on the bed and put it on his lap. He placed his fingers on the neck and started strumming lightly. The strumming became a familiar tune, with an easy rhythm that he had heard so many times during the last few months. “When I come around” was one of her favorite songs, he knew it. He stopped playing, put the guitar back where it belonged and kept looking at her room. That’s when he noticed the broken mirror, the stains of blood and a piece of rumpled paper on the carpeted floor.

He grabbed the paper and took a look at it, his eyes scanning the lines, not understanding a think. His eyes moved up to the logo at the top as he recognized the name of the school Lya had applied for. It could only mean one thing, it was a negative answer.
Brian put the letter on her desk, and started picking up the broken pieces of mirror. He kept glancing at the door every now and then, afraid Lya would come up.
He couldn’t help but feel sorry for her.

**

When Lya woke up, it was dark around her. She frowned, and let out a yawn. As she looked at her surroundings, she realized that she was at her grand parents, in the living room, on the sofa. She slowly sat up, still not fully awake and glanced at the clock. 9pm30.

“Fuck…” she muttered, robbing her eyes and smudging her make up at the same time.

She stood up and walked over to the kitchen. She turned on the light and saw a plate of vegetables and chicken on the table.

There was a sticky note beside the plate:
Hey Lya, I brought some food for you.
You need to eat. Sleep well.
Brian

She lazily walked over to the microwave, heated up the food, went back to the couch and ate slowly, starring at the turned off TV. She didn’t turn it on.

When she finished her plate, she left it on the coffee table and starred at her surrounding.

**

As Lya stepped on the school ground, she felt the burden on her shoulders getting heavier, her breath got stuck in her throat as she reluctantly made her way to school.
Happy and smiling faces walked past her as she put some of her books in her locker.

It had been 2 weeks now, since she received that letter, 2 weeks since she got hurt with a piece of broken mirror.

She looked down at her slowly healing scar and quickly looked away in disgust.

She felt the bile rose to her stomach as she quickly slammed her locker shut and ran to the bathroom, emptying the content of her stomach.

She washed her pale face and got out just in time to get to the room for the exams.

Lya took a sip of her water bottle before her eyes casted down to the subject, she took a deep breath and started praying.