Dreams of Tomorrow

The rain was crashing down against the dirty windows. The weather was gloomy and it matched her mood.

Exams were just around the corner and she had been isolating herself from any form of social life. She only allowed herself to go to the gym once a week to blow off steam, and that was it.

Lya spent her days in PJs, greasy hair and tired face, reading books and notes, scribbling ideas and answers while trying to memorize everything, everything from the geopolitical situation of various countries in Asia, to the basic technics of marketing while trying to memorize the texts of her Chinese textbooks for her oral test.

Steam was coming out of her ears.

Cha had been very understanding even though she was busy too and she made sure Lya had at least one real meal per day.

Brian was going crazy. He hadn't seen Lya since New Year's Eve and that had been three weeks ago.
Their relationship had been, he would say perfect but that was a bit too much, so let's say that it had been going smoothly, until she started stressing out for exams. That was one part of school life that he didn't miss.

Ever since that night, Lya had been more demonstrative with him, hugging him randomly even when their friends were around, holding his hands and such.
The first time it happened, Brian was making fried eggs the best he could while Jimmy was sitting at the counter, looking at a magazine. Lya showed up and wrapped her arms around Brian, resting her head against his back and smiling to herself before she tip toed and kissed his cheek.

Jimmy starred at Brian with wide eyes and tried to make hand gestures to ask him what the hell was going, while Brian simply smiled proudly.

And since then, it's been like that.
She seemed to be needing human contact and wasn't uncomfortable anymore. Brian was her boyfriend, no one else's. It finally downed to her that she could count on him and trust him.

But that would be after she was down with the exams.

Lya rubbed her tired eyes and yawned.

For a change, she decided to go to the library to study, and find herself sleepy, lulled by the sound of the falling rain.

Lifting up her head, she almost gasped in surprise when she saw Brian taking a sit in front of her, smiling warmly at her. She felt them, the butterflies in her stomach.

"Hey!" she said, cheerfully.

He simply smiled brightly and reached out to touch her hand, she was freezing.

"Would it be okay if I stole you away from your books for the week end...?"

"Brian..." she groaned. "I got a presentation on Monday. I need to be done with it and got exams next week..."

"It's okay, you still have Sunday..." when he saw her face, he reached out to grab both of her hands. "I promise, I will let you study, not the whole day, but a bit. You need to cut yourself some slack Lya, stop studying so much, your brain will fry."

She cracked a smile and slowly slide her hands from his, gathering her pens and papers. He smiled proudly to himself and helped her gather her books.

"Really? Geopolitical situation of South-East Asia?" he asked, flickering through some pages. "Amongst other thing, yes. It's pretty interesting, just a lot to take in..." she whispered, yawning again.

"I'm so taking you out for lunch. I can't believe my girlfriend’s smarter than me... I'm proud." he said, grabbing her bag of books.

Lya blushed and grabbed her smaller bag, putting the chairs back in place and followed him out.

As soon as they reached the car, Brian put her bags in the trunk and closed it.
"You can't have access to them until I told you so..." he said. She stepped forward and opened her arms, he chuckled and embraced her in a tight hug.

She inhaled his scent and felt like falling asleep right here, right now, in his arms.

It was a weird feeling, love.

She couldn't understand her own reactions sometimes, when Brian was around.

There were times when she felt like throwing it all away and follow him on tour, like he asked, but then she would remember her studies, her family. It felt awkward.

She wanted to give him her whole, to throw herself in this relationship without boundaries.

But she couldn't help but feel like something was holding her back, she just couldn't put her finger on what.

She reluctantly stepped out of his embrace and got into the car.

--

It was 3 am when she sneaked out of his bed and got into the living room. She zipped up her hoodie and headed towards the couch. She took her school bag from underneath the coffee table and went back to sprawling her notes. She kept scribbling, reading, scratching until the sun came up.

When Jimmy walked in, he was surprised to see her, passed out on the coffee table, surrounded by books.

He crouched next to her and lightly shook her shoulder.
"Lya? Lya?"

She woke up with a start, starring at Jimmy with her eyes wide.
"Fuck" she breathed out, she sat up and stretched her arms above her head. "Fuck."

"Just go back to bed, I'll pretend I didn't just woke you up at 8am on a Sunday morning." he said.

"What are you doing up?"

"I haven't gone to bed yet. Was at Rudy's, just didn't want to sleep there, she had a party...It smell likes puke." he said, sitting on the couch next to her.

Lya made a face and stifled a yawn.

"I haven't seen you in a while... I kind of worried about you, you know. Even more when I see what state you’re in with the exams coming up. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. It's just exams."

"It's not just exams Jimmy. It means a lot to me, it's probably the start of my carrier." she said, sticking both hands under her thighs.

"It's just a diploma. I get it, it's really good for you to graduate from college, it's cool. But come on, you'll end up in the music business." said Jimmy, pushing himself up.

"No I won't." she mumbled, feeling upset.

"Yes you will. From my perspective, you're wasting your time here. But it's your choice. If you think it's cool to be studying about foreign affairs and stuff, that's cool with me. You'll be the smartest one here." he said, pouring water in the kettle. "Want some tea?"

She nodded.

"I get it Lya. I'm sorry if it came out wrong. I understand why you'd want to do that, get out of your circle, study, it's to your credit. But come on... Your father's a musician, your boyfriend is a musician, your best friend’s boyfriend is a musician... If you're not in a band, you'll end up touring as a crew member, like you did with Green Day." he said, taking out a mug from the cupboard and rummaging through the drawer to snatch a bag of Earl Grey tea. He put the tea bag, two sugar cube and waited for the water to boil, while taking the milk out of the fridge.

"That's exactly the type of comment that makes me angry." she whispered, kneeling on the couch, so she could see him in the kitchen. "Why couldn't I be something else?"

"Because it's in your blood, not literally but you know what I mean." he said.

"You know, just because you and everyone else think that, it makes me want to do the exact opposite."

Jimmy rolled his eyes and grabbed a spoon, before he poured the water in the mug.
"You do as you wish Lya, but you can't fight destiny." he said, pushing the mug further on the counter. "See, me? I'm pretty sure I was born to be one of the best drummers in history of rock'n roll, and Avenged Sevenfold will be hitting the top of the charts in a matter of years." he said, stars in his eyes.

Lya got off the couch and walked towards the counter, hopping on one of the stool.
She put both hands a few millimeters away from the cup, enjoying the heat.

"I will try to cheer for you." she said, joking. "From my office somewhere."

"I will make sure you have a dedicated photo of Avenged on your desk, to remind you where you come from." said Jimmy, making himself some coffee.

"I know where I come from." she whispered. "I can't forget, ever."

"Whatever. I'll be the one buying you expensive present." he said, shrugging it off.

Lya raised an eyebrow.
"You're serious?"

"Of course."

She chuckled.
"How can you be so sure we will still be friends once you've conquered the world?"

"You are stuck with us. I'm pretty sure you're going to get married with Brian before Matt and Val." he commented. "So of course we will still be friends."

Lya rolled her eyes.
"As if. Anyway, can I go back to studying? I will take some breakfast later on when Brian wakes up."

"You should catch some sleep, you really need it." said Jimmy. "Just get back to sleep with Brian, I'll keep my mouth shut about your night activities. Off to bed you go."

"Fine..." she conceded. "I will catch a few more hours..." she finished her drink and jumped off the stool. She put the empty cup in the sink. "Thanks Jimmy!" she said, kissing his cheek before heading back to Brian's room.

She sneaked back in Brian's room, careful climbing on the bed and slipping back under the covers. She snuggled close to his body, enjoying the warmth and put her freezing cold feet against his calves. She smiled contently and closed her eyes, easily falling back asleep.

When she opened her eyes, the sun was up high in the sky and she was alone in bed. She let out a small cry of distress as she caught sight of the time and hurried out of the room. She held out on the wall for support as her head felt dizzy from standing up so fast.

"Just in time for lunch!" said Jimmy, trying his best not to smile.

"Fuck... just fuck. I over slept.' she groaned, rubbing her temples.

"Means you had some sleep to catch up on." said Brian. "I heat up some lasagna, will that be ok for you?"

She nodded before she slowly made her way to the bathroom.
"Hurry up! Lasagna is almost ready!" called out Jimmy just before Lya closed the door.

==

"You do as you wish, but.... Niah, niah, niah..." Lya kicked off an imaginary rock and shoved her hands in her pocket.
She felt like she was back to square one.

Her footsteps had led her to a small patch of green in the city.
She sat on one of the bench and looked at her surroundings.

"Fuck..." she swore, clenching and unclenching her fists.

She just had yet another spat with Jimmy.

They seem to happen quite often lately and quickly turn into a clash.

Brian often stood in the middle of it, trying his best not to take side, but as time went by, it was obvious that he was inclined in following Jimmy's speech.

Lya clenched her jaw, steam coming out of her ears.

She was angry and scared. Scared that they were right, all of them. That she would in fact end up working in the music industry and follow them around like a lost puppy.
It gave her anxiety and brought her on the edge of having panic attacks.

She felt like she was being treated like a capricious child and wasn't being taken seriously. It was hurting her feelings. She wished someone would believe in her, know that she was going to make it, as much as anyone else.

What hurt the most was when the guys implied that if anything happened, Billie Joe could send her a check, or swap his card.

The latest spat was about that.

It got loud, very easily and very fast. Jimmy concluded the argument by : I will talk to you when you're not PMSing. She flipped him the bird and left the apartment, slamming the door shut behind her.

She wasn't PMSing, she was just fed up with everyone and everything.

The first week of exams was over and she was afraid to even think about the next round. Her brain would fry before the end. If she could keep up until the end of the year, without a nervous breakdown, she would be proud of herself.... But that was just hypothetical.

She let herself slide on the side and ended up laying her back on the bench while resting one leg on her upped knee, covering her face with her arm.

It would become one of her trademark, like her sitting on the floor, Indian style, but her feet up on her knees.

It wasn't lady like, but it made her feel slightly better. Slightly.

Her heart just wasn't in it anymore. It wasn't in anything, it felt like it was barely beating anymore... She was feeling down and sad every time.

Just like back in high school. She clenched her jaw, tears threatening to fall as she remembered the darkness that was surrounding her around that time. She had promised herself to never go down that road ever again.Never.

It was hurting her, to hear their jokes, knowing deep down that they didn't support her choice. It was all about fun to them, even working was fun, they were making music. She wasn't, she didn't possess that talent. Come to think about it, she had no talent at all, except for languages maybe... That's what she was holding on to, dearly. and maybe dancing... she hadn't dance in so long.

Her mind drifted back to her exams and she knew she'd have to get back to studying soon.

She pushed herself in a sitting position and left the bench, slowly walking away from that patch of green.

She was tempted to let go of everything and be the 'merch guy' on tour, or whatever they needed.

When she reached the apartment, she sighed in relief as she realized she was alone.

She took off her clothes and rummaged through her closet before pulling out a white dust cover, she pulled at the zipper and took the dress, stepping inside and pulling it up before zipping it up by herself.

Marching bare feet into the living room, she changed the CD in the stereo, pressed play and hurried back in her room to snatch the big fluffy panda. She held him as she would with a real person, except that he wasn't touching the floor and she proceeded to waltz around the living room, Vivaldi playing loudly on the stereo.

She was waltzing and waltzing, slowing down, changing the dance routine before picking up the waltz again.

Her graduation dress still fitted, years later.

Lya kept spinning around, in her own world, hugging the panda against her chest, her eyes were opened but she wasn't seeing anything. Her mind was back to the few times she had waltz in this country. The first time was with Billie Joe, and she would say that the most important time was at the father-daughter dance, when he had asked her to legally adopt her.

The more she twirled around, the better she felt, even if she was just starring into the plastic eyes of her fluffy panda. Those eyes didn’t judge her. His presence was comforting, that was all she needed as she kept waltzing.

She had missed that feeling, feeling of freedom and control. She was going at her own pace, slowing down and picking up speed whenever she felt like it. She twirled twice instead of once if she wanted. No one could tell her anything, simply because they knew nothing about waltzing and because they weren't there to see and judge her.

It was just her and her fluffy friend.

The knocks on the door made her snap back to reality as she rushed to the front door.

They starred at one another for a few seconds.

She was wondering what he was doing here while he was asking himself questions about her prom dress, socks and panda stuck between her arms.

"Come in." she said, stepping aside. She closed the door after him and went back to her room to drop the fluff toy on her bed.

His eyebrows rose up as he heard the music playing.

Lya rushed back in the living room, holding the end of her dress like a princess, before she turned down the volume.

"Isn't that your prom dress?"

"It is." she said, nodding. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No, I'm good thanks Lya."

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit Matt?"

She sat down on the armchair, sideways, throwing her legs on the side. The position was a bit uncomfortable with her dress.

"Are you sure you don't want to go on tour with us?" he asked, leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Not you too Matt." she whispered, her shoulders dropping.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Jimmy is pestering me about that... I said no. No means no." she whispered. "It has nothing to do with you guys, but I just... I want to focus on my study and I might have a training period to do." She looked at Matt. "I might have actually considered it, if only you would cut me some slack or even try and show support. But you guys don't. You see me as a joke and it makes me want to stay behind even more." Lya sat up straighter, her shoulders feeling lighter. "What I'm saying is not particularly directed to you Matt, so I hope you won't take it personally. I would tell them, I did, but it always ends up in a conflict with Jimmy and Brian inclined to take Jimmy's side. I don't want to put Brian in an awkward position. I'm just afraid that, one day I will be fed up and say something not very nice to Jimmy. I'm holding back so many things... I don't ask them to approve" she said. "Just stop with the jokes that aren't jokes and basically telling me to ask Billie Joe for money. You guys do know that the reason I don't have a car is because I refused his birthday present? The reason is chose L.A for my studies is because it's closer to you guys and further from my family. You seem to forget that small part."

Matt knew all of that, he could see it with the way Lya was acting when they were all together. It wasn't obvious, but he had noticed how her shoulders would tense every time Billie Joe or SF was mentioned.

She was trying so hard to prove herself and he knew that no one was helping her, a bit of the opposite actually.

"I'm sorry we're not more supportive Lya." he said, his hazel eyes staring into her green ones.

She smiled at him.
"Thanks Matt. But I'm not even asking for your support. If you think I'm out of my mind, then please keep thinking that. Just keep your mouth shut or don't think that because we're friends, you can say that you completely disagree with me and that all of my effort will worth nothing in the end. It might be true, but it's not nice. I'm well aware of what is at stake here... I might be wasting a good portion of my mother's heritage for this. Do you think that if I didn't have faith in what I'm doing, I would waste it away?" she asked out loud. Matt knew he didn't have to answer that, so he simply kept looking at her. "You guys knew you would do music, from childhood or even slightly older in your teenage years. Me? I just wanted to keep my mother as long as I could. It never went further than that, and I feel like I have to build the rest of my life in a snap of fingers. I never thought about what graduation would be like, what prom would be like, what having a driving license would be like. I went to prom, I graduated, got my driving license and I'm going to college. A few years back, I thought my life had ended Matt. My mind doesn't work like yours."

Matt opened his mouth, trying to find something to say, when there was a knock at the door, followed by a ring at the door.

"It's Brian! Or Jimmy?" asked Matt, moving to get up while Lya was already half way to the door.

"It's the both of them." she said, stopping. "Had it been Jimmy, he could have busted in, no knocking. Brian, he rings two times at the building door, warning me he is coming up."

Lya was right, Brian and Jimmy were both standing behind the door.

"Are you done PMSing?" he asks, almost pushing Brian out of the way. He slowed down when he saw Matt, but kept making himself at home.

"Prom dress?" asked Brian, his head slightly tilted to the side.

Lya blushed slightly. "I just wanted to see if it still fitted." she said.

"I like your socks, they match pretty well with the dress." he joked, coming closer to kiss her cheek before heading to the living room.

Lya shared a look with Matt before going to her room and closing the door behind her, changing back in normal clothes.