Dreams of Tomorrow

Lya was completely worn out, mentally and physically.

The last exam was done and over with, Lya walked out of the building with her bag swung on her shoulder. She walked a few blocks, until she hailed a cab and rushed into it, asking for the airport.

As she reached the airport, she headed for the phone cab and picked up the plastic device, reaching into her pocket for some change. She put some coins and dialed the familiar number, all the while scanning for the departure time of the flights.

After two rings, her call got picked up.

"Hey Mum? It's Lya. I'm at the airport right now. My flight is in an hour, I should be there for dinner. I will take a cab, don't worry. So yeah, just telling you, I will be home for the week end. Hope it doesn't bother you, I need a break, really bad."

"I love you Mum, you're the best! See you tonight!"

Lya hang up, a big smile on her tired face and she headed for the nearest coffee shop. She ordered a muffin and some green tea before taking a seat near the glass windows.

She zoned out for a while, slowly munchin on her muffin, taking a few sips.

**

She knew what to expect, so she dropped her bag on the porch as she rang the bell.

Without surprise, she heard footsteps running and the door swung open, with Jake jumping into Lya's open arms. Seconds later, Joey followed, wrapping his arms around Lya's shoulder. Awkwardly, she stood up, with both kids in her arms and she walked inside the house, leaving her bag by the door.

"Mum! Lya's here!" screamed Joey and Lya winced as he shouted straight in her ear.

Lya crouched down so the kids could touch the ground again, Joey had to pry Jake off Lya's shoulders. Jake was younger than Joey and even though Joey was closer to Lya, because he was older, as soon as Jake had been able to walk, he had started following Lya around, like Joey.

There were sometimes when Joey was feeling jealous of Jake, because he was younger and Lya could pick him up and carry him more easily. In those times, Lya would make sure to pay extra attention to Joey.

"Hey Mum!" Lya cheered, a huge grin on her face as she was able to stand up again and headed towards her.

She was about to reach out and hug her when she was picked up from behind and thrown over someone's shoulder.

In any other circumstances, she would have screamed.

"Mike, please put me down." she said, sounding blasée. "It was fun the first two times, now it's a routine."

He let her down and gave her a sheepish smile before picking up his drink and heading back down to the studio-basement.

Lya finally got to hugging Adie and jogged back to the door to pick up her bag, followed by Jake and Joey,

She went to the kitchen, thanking Adie as she took the glass of water on the counter. She took a sip and then helped Jake and Joey up on the stools.

"Can you kids give Lya some space? She's going to be here for a whole week, you will have plenty of time to see her." said Adie, smiling at her sons who had stars in their eyes, their gaze glued on Lya.

Joey nodded, a grin on his face, taking Jake with him.

"Your dad's downstairs, writing." said Adie, sitting across from Lya.

"Anything good so far?"

"It's going okay I guess. You can go down there and listen for yourself." said Adie.

"Yeah, I will. Just need to stay calm for a moment. I feel like I could need some rest, from exams, studies, friends..." she said with a sigh, resting her head on her palm, looking at Adie with tired eyes. "If anyone calls, I'm sleeping." she said.

"Even Brian?"

"Yes, even Brian, Jimmy, anyone." she whispered, before rubbing her temples. "I need a break. I don't want to mention exams, boyfriend, studies, job, nothing that concerns me. Please tell Dad. If I tell him myself, I'm in for one hell of an interrogation." she said, "I don't want to explain myself as to why I need a break. I just need one." she ranted.

"Roger that, I will tell your dad." said Adie, with an understanding smile. "Do you have plans for your holiday?"

"Sleeping, hanging out with Joey and Jakob, listening to Dad and helping you around the house."

**

And she did just that, for five whole days.

Brian did call a few times, but Adie explained the situation, arguing that Lya was busy with her brothers. He stopped calling after the third time, giving Lya some space.

She was laying on the wooden surface, her feet in the water, her sunglasses on her nose, eyes closed.

Billie Joe was finally out of his cave, following Lya to the pool, he was sitting nearby, guitar on his lap and strumming and scribbling away.

She's always living like she's running out of time, too much isn't enough to keep her satisfied
Her plastic card is filled with nothing comes to mind
It's now her occupation that she's overqualified

Lya was barely listening, trying to get some rest.

Too much too soon
Too much and now it sucks to be you...

She gave up trying to sleep and kept listening to Billie Joe's strumming and soft singing.

"Fuck."

She turned her head to the side.

"It was going all right..." she said.

"I messed up, oh fuck it." he swore, taking the guitar off his lap and setting it aside. He rolled up his jeans and went to sit next to Lya.

"So... you ready to go back to reality?"

Lya made a face and threw her arm over her eyes, in drama.

"Come on... It's not that bad. You get to see your friends, boyfriend... You do remember you have one, right? Or is it over between you and you didn't mention it?"

"It's not over, yes I do remember. What happened to Mum's warning about not talking to me about that?" she asked, still not dropping her arm.

Billie Joe shrugged, even if Lya couldn't see him.

"I don't care. I figured I could ask, you're going back soon anyway. And I'm your father, I can ask anything, anytime, anywhere."

She would never get over the way those words sounded coming from him. I'm your father. She knew what he meant, but it made her heart skip a beat every time.

Lya sighed, dropped her arm and pushed herself up in a sitting position.

"I just needed a break. I'm tired of being questioned about my reason for studying, I'm tired of everyone implying that I should go on tour with them or you. People tell me that I can't do things and it's making me angry. I want to prove them wrong, I work more, become more irritable. I'm always on my guard when I'm around Jimmy or Brian, it can become tense in a blink of an eye and either I blowup or Jimmy does and Brian stands in the middle. Just need a break, clear my mind. I'm exhausted."

"Is there anything I can do for you Lya?"

"Have faith in me." she said, looking at him with her sunglasses. "Whatever I'm doing, even if you're not 100% sure, just try to make it look like you support me. I am fed up of the 'she's-never-gonna-make-it' kind of look."

"Maybe they're just worried you are going to get hurt in the process you know... they only look out for you."

"There's a difference Dad. It's like when you look at me or Joey looks at me. You are worried, I can see it but Joey always looks at me like I am the woman version of his favorite superhero."

"I'm sorry I'm not more supportive Lya, I am just scared. I promised I would take care of you, keep you safe..."

"It's safe, at worst I will have wasted a few years of my life." she said, shrugging her shoulders, pretending like it was no big deal. "I just need to know there are still some people that believe in me."

**

Lya had her arms crossed over her chest, looking outside of the bus dirty windows.

She was lost for words, not understanding his reaction, or Brian's. She had come to think that she was the one with a problem.

It was beyond her comprehension, how they could turn their backs on her. Because it felt just like that to her, nothing more, nothing less.

The feeling of uselessness was getting hard to bear.

It felt like she was in a place where she didn't belong, she was trying so hard to fit in, spending times with her boyfriend and their friends... But it always came back to the next tour, and Lya's potential presence. Their consumption of alcohol and other substances made it even worse.

She hated it, seeing Brian smoke cigarettes, or worse.

With a bit of time, she had learned to accept that he was a smoker, but she couldn't help but scrunch up her nose every time. She tried to be cool about it, but deep down, she could still picture her mother on her deathbed. She had tried to talk to him out of it, it was no use.

Bille Joe knew better than to smoke nearby Lya now, he had taken the habit to go smoke outside or in his basement, away from Lya's sensible nostrils.

The guys were no saint, she knew it but the previous night she had heard them talking about space cookies and she had refused to take a bit.

She would never admit it out loud, but she was scared shitless of addictions, of any kind. She was so scared that one drag of cigarette or anything else would get her hooked, that she just refused to even try. So she was a mood-killer to her friends. It probably wouldn't harm them, she wish it wouldn't, but it did made them dumber than usual.

So be it.

But she didn't like it. She didn't like her life as it was.

It was time for a change, she had sense it and so she did what she thought was right. She was excited, she was. But part of her was scared, not for herself but for the reaction of her friends and family.

Joey was supportive, he didn't know for what but he supported her.

That was enough for her when she walked into the building the first time. She almost expected them to forget about her, but about two weeks later, she got a letter, giving her an appointment, the same day as her results.

The bus stopped and she got out.

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she held the letter close to her chest, walking away from the bus station with rapid footsteps.

She had been waiting for this day for ages it seems when it had only been a few weeks. She showed up at the reception, a big grin on her face, making the woman behind the desk smile back in return while she asked Lya to wait a bit and was lead to the waiting room at the end of the corridor.

She never liked going to the doctor, but this time, she felt excited. She hadn't touched a drink in weeks and went to the gym three to four times a week. She felt ready, she was ready. She prayed for whoever was up there that it would be a good check-up.

When her name was called, Lya jumped out of her chair and followed the lady, shaking her hand as she walked in.

She took a seat as she was asked to and handed her her file with trembling hands, her smile never fading. Her dimples were showing, her eyes were a bit watery with excitation as she listened to the doctor's questions.

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you drink alcoholic beverage?"

"Occasionally, but never in excess."

"Do you use drugs? Have you ever used?"

"Never." she said, her chin up.

The woman behind the desk seemed satisfied enough to ask Lya to take off her T-shirt and sat on the table in the other room.

"Take deep breaths."

With each breaths, Lya could feel her heart about to explode. She wiped her hands on her jeans.

"You seem to be working out quite often, am I mistaken?" the woman asked, still listening to Lya's breathing.

"You're right. I try to go to the gym three or four times a week." she said between breaths.

The woman nodded to herself.

**

Lya waited until she walked out of the building before she jumped up and down, a huge smile on her face, tears in her eyes as she read again those three words: Fit for Initial Entry Training.

She wanted to rush home, holding the note in her hand, waving it in their faces.

That almost happened, her heart pounding in her chest with excitement and a bit of fear. She was excited and ready to tell them until she opened the door to Brian and Jimmy's apartment and saw the cloud of smoke in the main room.

The vision calmed her down almost instantly. She took a step back and got ready to leave when Johnny got out of the bathroom and saw her.

"Where have you been Lya? We were waiting for you."

"What's going on?"

"We're off to the Mexican restaurant near the pier, then off to party-party." he said, one arm over her shoulder.

It was barely seven pm and he hadn't been drinking orange juice by the smell of it.

She didn't know how to feel as she saw Brian and Jimmy spread out on the couch, beers in hands, with cigarettes.

"Hey Lya!" they chorused. She waved back, half-heartedly.

"Can we go now?" asked Johnny, looking at his bare wrist for a potential watch. There was none.

Lya went to the bathroom, did her business, wash her hands and splashed some water on her face. She wiped away the smudged make-up and made a face at her reflection before getting out.

She picked up her bag again and ignored Brian's questioning glance. No she wouldn't stay here tonight.

Diligently, she followed them out of the building and to Jimmy’s car.

The drive to the restaurant was quiet, on her part, Johnny and Jimmy were singing along to Metallica while Lya just looked out of the window, hoping to be able to get home soon.

She graduated, finally, but no one cared. She still had a little hope of getting a surprise at the restaurant, she held onto it onto the desert, but nothing was mentioned and they left the restaurant, heading to Matt and Val's place.

Lya took a sit on the sofa and grabbed a beer, deep in thought. She got startled when Brian pressed a kiss on her cheek. She had to restrain herself from wiping her wet cheek.

"I miss you." he said, inhaling her scent.

He was drunk, she knew it when she felt him loose his balance over the back of the couch.

She turned slightly and pushed him back a bit so he could regain his composure. She gave him a reassuring smile before rising to her feet.
"I need some air." she said, "Fresh air."

The party-party was one hell of a party with dozens of people Lya had never seen before. No one introduced her, why bother. She pinched the bridge of her nose and got out, to the far end of the patio, taking some deep breaths.

It wasn't long before she resigned herself and walked back towards the party. The music was blasting through the speakers, people drinking, grinding.

She rubbed her neck, uneasy at the amount of alcoholic drinks laid out on the table.
High school, but with more alcohol. A lot more.

She was looking around for something or rather someone to hold on to in the crowd of people.
Her eyes scanned the room and then she proceeded into the kitchen.

She let out a sigh of relief when she caught sight of Brian and hurried towards him, only to see him hunched over a table, with some white powder drawn in lines in front of him. Jimmy was with him.

Lya had never seen anything like it before and was quite surprised.
It only when she walked closer that she realized what it was, or at least guessed.

Cocaine.

Before she could actually say something, Zacky had planted himself between the table and Lya, his arm reaching out to touch her.

She wanted to smile at him but didn't when she saw his bloodshot eyes and she smelled vodka.

Lya gave him a faint smile, pretexted a headache due to the smell of cigarettes and other smoked substances and told him she was leaving. Grabbing her bag, she was out of the door before he could reply anything.

She wrapped her vest tighter around her body and marched out of apartment. The streets looked deserted as she walked further down.

She hated that, she fucking hated when they did that. Partying like they were the biggest rock stars on earth. What good did it gave them to be high and drunk? They do stupid shit and not remember them the next day. At least sober, they would still do stupid shit but would remember them the next day.

Lya sighed and shoved her hands in her pockets, her bag hanging on her shoulders.

She crossed the streets in a hurry and waved at the bus, just in time. Lya sat not far from the chauffeur and tried not to pay too much attention of the weird look people gave her. After all, she did smell like cigarettes smokes, and other substances...

Lya was starting to doze off when the bus stopped at her station, she hurriedly got out and marched towards Cha's apartment.

She was shuffling for the keys when the door busted open.

"You graduated!" cheered Cha, throwing her arms around Lya. "I knew you would! I'm so proud of you! I wish you came back earlier, I wanted to fix you something to eat but I figured you would celebrate with the boyfriend." said Cha, letting go of her and stepping aside. "I know you did because I went to see if your name was on the list." she added.

"Actually, I'm hungry." whispered Lya. "We went to the restaurant, but for no special occasion and I didn't really eat."

"Coming right up!" said Cha, tying her hair up in a messy bun before she went to wash her hands.

Lya took a sit on the stool and depressively rested her elbow on the bar, her hand supporting her head.

"Cheer up Baobei, you did it."

"No one cares."

"I care, your parents too. They called, right when I came back. I told them the good news, but you should call them tomorrow. Billie Joe wanted to come down to L.A, to celebrate." said Cha, opening the fridge. "What do you want to eat?"

"Suan La tang." she said, remaining in the same position. "Hot and sour sounds nice".

"Am I cursed? Cause sometimes it feels like it."

"You're not cursed, you just need some recognition." said Cha, chopping the ingredients. "Stop paying so much attention to what your friends think of you."

"I don't..."

"Of course you do, way too much if you ask me." said Cha. "Cut yourself some slack, you worry too much."

"No..."

"Come on... I saw you hesitate for 5 whole minutes before putting on some more make-up than usual. Be yourself Lya, people will love you even more."

"But I feel like I don't fit in."

"Then don't fit in, who wants you to fit in. Be a minority, who cares? Have you seen some of the people who walk the streets in L.A? Have you seen the kids going to a Green Day show? Your father could care less if you suddenly decided to dye your hair purple. Be yourself Lya, let go of that restrain and fear. Give them the middle finger."

"You don't do that..."

"Because I don't feel the need to. I am who I am Lya, I'm not trying to fight it off. Derrick and my parents love me as I am. That's all that matters."

Lya nodded to herself.

"I know you've been working out quite a bit recently, I don't know what you're hiding, but whatever it is, I support you 100% as long as it's not drugs or alcohol. I will always have your back."

"Thanks Cha. I don't know where I would be without you."

"Probably starving, because neither Jimmy nor Brian can't cook to save their own life." said with a smile.

They left it at that, and Cha brought the conversation to an other subject, miles away from Lya's worry.

When the soup was ready, Cha took the two bowls to the coffee table, with matching spoons and they sat on the couch, watching reruns of Friends.

"If Dan knew I was eating again at 11pm..." she trailed off, heading to the kitchen for a second bowl.

"Whatever Lya, you deserve it."

Lya smiled contently, sitting cross-legged on the couch, her bowl in hands.