The Soundtrack To My Semester

Regina

“I am in love with you Zachary Banks.”

“Zach… I love you”

“Zachary Banks, I want to have your children.”

“Okay, this is stupid.”

I pulled myself away from the mirror. Why did I have to rehearse this? Shouldn’t it be a natural occurrence between a boyfriend and girlfriend? Then why am I nervous as hell? I don’t even know if I really do love him. Yea we have these amazing moments, my heart races every time he I hear his voice; I have this feeling of complete calmness whenever I’m with him. But we fight all the time, I mean ALL the time. We can’t go a day without arguing over the stupidest things in the world. Like what color bra I was wearing last Wednesday. He’s turned me into an absolute emotional wreck to the point where I’m questioning my own sanity.

I spun around in my chair, throwing my head in my hands and groaning. “Ugh, Why is college so hard!?”

“Having trouble with finals?” It’s funny how my heart has memorized his voice. That way I don’t have to turn around to know it’s him. I can just feel my heart go crazy.

I turned back towards the mirror and watched him through it. He was standing there, his hair disheveled, his button down un-tucked, yet he still looked composed. In fact, he almost looked mature… almost. However, something was seriously off. Anyone could see it in his face. My mind flew to his dad.

“Is everything okay?” I finally faced him and got out of the chair. I couldn’t help but notice that he winced as I walked towards him.

He took ages to actually say anything. In those seconds my heart pounded like a drum. My eyes must have been as wide as a deer in the headlights. Eventually he broke out into a weak smile, “Rey, will you come with me? I want to show you something.

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15 minutes later we were walking on the side of a bridge; it was pretty high up, even for being a bridge. And I was confused as anything. Zach hadn’t said a word the entire car ride. He seemed to be thinking hard about something because every so often he’d bang is hand on the steering wheel.

We walked to about the middle of the bridge when he stopped and leaned on the railing, looking out into the ocean. I stood next to him, clearly ready to handle whatever he was going through. One thing we promised each other was to handle everything together. No matter what, we’d face the world together, us against the world. I smiled to myself and placed my hand on his back. “Zach, what is it?” I spoke as softly as I could, trying not to upset him.

There was a train track underneath the car portion of the bridge, and at that moment a train passed by, making a loud grumbling noise that neither of us could hear over. He finally glanced over at me. It was as if the noise took us out of this world, and for a moment we looked at each other and saw everything. He saw my love and I saw his. But as I felt my hair blow in the wind I knew it wasn’t a profession of love that brought us here. Quite the opposite.

When the noise distanced, so did Zach. His head turned back towards the water and I waited with baited breath for him to say something. He finally did. “Did you know that this is the only place in America where a boat, a train, a car, and a plane, can be in a direct vertical line at one time?” I didn’t answer. My mind was already on a higher gear, a gear where the only words I can compute are the serious kind. The kind that changes lives. The fact flew over my head as I still waited for an answer to that look in his eyes.

“Regina, I’m leaving.”

My mind wasn’t surprised but my heart ripped open. Contrary to cliché’s, I didn’t cry. Although the inside of my body was bleeding, the outside held a calm composure. “Why?” It wasn’t a whisper.

Finally he turned towards me, tears forming in his eyes. Tears that should have been mine, he had no right to cry. “I’m so sorry. I am.” There was a desperate tone in his voice, almost pained. Like this was torture to him. “I did it when we were fighting; I applied to study abroad and… I got into the program.” He smiled a little at the last part. Like he expected me to be happy for him. In truth, I was a little happy for him. I stared at the ground, not knowing what to say. Could I really be mad at him for following his dream?

He had grabbed my wrists now, trying to bend down enough to look in my eyes. “Rey. I leave in a few days.” My heart stung when he said my name. “I want us to still be together. We can make it work, you and me against the world. Even if I’m halfway around it. It’ll just make it more of an even fight. I’ll take on that half and you take on this half. Then after we’ve won, I’ll come back and sweep you off your feet and we’ll finally be together again.”

He had thought his joke would ease the tension but all it did was make me realize how alone I’d be without him here. I could tell my silence made him believe he was in the clear. His face was full on excitement now. He’d be going to Paris, keeping the girl. Lucky guy.

“No.” His excitement vanished. I took a step away from him.

He spoke with hurt in his eyes. “Why? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but… Why are you being so dramatic about this?”

“Because I don’t trust you! Because we can’t be together again when you get back because we’re not together now! You have these walls around you Zach. Walls that you won’t take down, not even for me.” The tears were coming now. My screaming had alerted drivers passing by but no one cared enough to stop.

For the first time, I heard Zach stammer. “I- d-don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve let you in.”

“Then tell me you love me.”

His eyes went wide. It was like I had asked him to fight a match with a pack of wolves. He took a small step backwards ready to say something that I knew wasn’t a confession.

“God damn-it Zach! I love you! Tell me you love me back and everything will be fine!” The tears were pouring like rain down my face. Zach was frozen. His mouth half open, his eyes wide, staring at me, waiting for me to do something else, make a bigger fool of myself than I already had.

I decided to give him 10 seconds. 10 seconds and he was out of my life, out of this school, out of this country without me by his side.

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9 “I….”

10 “I’m sorry…”

I walked away. From everything.
And even though my legs felt like they were going to tear off and run back to him. I kept walking. I knew he wouldn’t come after me. So I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t. I also wasn’t surprised when I saw his car drive past me, not slowing a bit.

I got on a bus and found myself at my favorite bookstore. Crying in the lap of a woman who knew the man that broke my heart better than anyone. And who also knew that he wasn’t coming back.