This Is Not About Vampires
I Hate People, the Sun, and Casseroles and the Girls Who Bring Them to my Door
Let me start by saying this story has nothing to do with vampires. It is a story about Tyler Iratus who is not a vampire. I, Tyler Iratus, am not a vampire. I am a person, who is just trying to lead a normal life with the least amount of human interaction as possible. You see, I like normal. I like going to school, not talking to anyone, doing my homework, then going to sleep. Because that is what normal people do. And just because my brain is my only functioning organ does not mean I do not need sleep. My brain gets tired frequently actually. Not talking to people takes a lot of effort.
So anyway, going back to what is normal. I guess I’d say I’m a pretty normal guy. I mean, I do the things normal people do, which makes me normal. Right? And right now, like a normal person, I’m rushing to get ready for school.
My alarm clock said 6:47, school starts at 7:15 and I had to be there by 7:00. I hit the snooze button, even though I’m pretty good at waking up. Normal kids hit the snooze button. I don’t take the bus. That would require unnecessary human contact which is really not my thing. I walk. I would prefer driving so that I could get to school a little faster and maybe run over some shit and junk while I’m at it, but I don’t have money. This sounds crazy, but it’s normal considering I don’t have to eat. Which is normal because the only working organ I have is my brain. My stomach is merely there so that I appear normal. I can’t really go around as a floating brain, that might turn heads. I would like everyone else to be just a brain though. Then, they wouldn’t have eyes to look at me or mouths to talk to me with. It would be much simpler that way.
Because I don’t have money, I live in an abandoned shack. It is not creepy I swear. It’s actually a pretty normal living space. I mean, it’s furnished and I keep it as clean as I can. I bet it’s a whole lot cleaner than most people’s houses.
But enough about my life, I need to get ready for school. I hastily made my bed, (not coffin, normal people sleep in beds) just because it was the normal thing to do. My parents aren’t around, they died a few decades ago, but if they were here, I’m sure they would yell at me like normal parents would about how I should make my bed. Then I would give the normal teenage rebuttal of “why make my bed if I’m just going to sleep in it again?” I actually think a coffin would be easier… I mean you just close the lid and you’re done. There’s no tucking or folding or anything.
When I finished making my bed I threw on jeans and a t-shirt and sprayed myself with some Axe that I snatched from the boy’s locker room. It helps cover up that ‘I just rolled out of bed and smell slightly of decay and/or rotting flesh smell. But I’m clean, so my flesh doesn’t rot all that much. My winter coat was thrown over a chair. I quickly slung it on. I didn’t get cold, my nerves were pretty much shot. I mean, I can feel when things touch me and all that, but I don’t feel the cold enough for it to make me want to put a coat on or anything. It’s more just so I look normal. One time I walked outside without my coat in the middle of a snowstorm and several people pulled over to ask me if I was homeless. Which I hated considering I don’t like talking to people. So to avoid unnecessary questions, I just wear my coat. I grabbed my bookbag next to the front door and headed outside. I always did my homework right when I got home and then packed everything away in my bag so it was ready to go the next morn- holy shit it’s bright.
I’m not sensitive to the sun or anything. I just find ridiculously obnoxious sunny days to be overwhelming. I much prefer cloudy days. Not because they’re depressing, but because they’re not bright.
The girl who lives down the street from me was walking to school as well. She waved at me. I ignored her. I was as rude to her as possible but she still never really took the hint. One time she brought a casserole over to my house. I answered the knock at my door to see her ridiculously smiling face as obnoxious as the sun itself, beaming at me. I told her I didn’t eat food, and even if I did I wouldn’t eat her food. She laughed. I slammed the door in her face and broke her nose. She still laughed. Probably because she’s one of those people who excuses mean people for being mean. Then they think all a mean person needs is a friend, then they will suddenly stop being mean. On the contrary. It’s the nice, pushy, creepy people who cause the mean people to be mean. And her laugh, oh my god. I contemplated ripping my ears off. Even to this day I can still hear her laugh reverberating in my head like a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m conscious. She still stood there on the other side of my door, laughing and bleeding profusely out of her nose, waiting for me to realize all I needed was a friend. I think she finally realized it was a good idea to go home when she started getting dizzy from blood loss. I could smell her blood from behind the door too. It smelled much more appetizing than her shitty casserole- what am I saying? I apologize for that abnormal statement.
So where was I? Oh yes. So this girl who is waving to me is now completely oblivious to an oncoming SUV. I don’t have super-enhanced sight or premonition, and even if I did, I wouldn’t even need them to notice the giant red, four wheeled vehicle flying up the road. Apparently, the waving girl did need enhanced senses to notice it because she just kept on waving. I could have saved her. The car was pretty far off and I could have easily walked over and pulled her onto the sidewalk. I could have also, with an equal amount of ease, shouted, “Hey you! Dumb casserole bitch! There’s an SUV coming right at your ignorant face!” But I didn’t. I simply wasn’t in the mood. Maybe if the sun wasn’t so bright, or her laugh wasn’t so annoying, or if her casserole wasn’t an imitation of a pile of dog shit. Actually, without all of those negative factors, I still do not think I would have saved her. Instead, I raised my hand to wave, smiling, because something fun was about to happen. She laughed her obnoxious laugh because I had finally waved back. Then she got annihilated. Today was going to be a good day.
So anyway, going back to what is normal. I guess I’d say I’m a pretty normal guy. I mean, I do the things normal people do, which makes me normal. Right? And right now, like a normal person, I’m rushing to get ready for school.
My alarm clock said 6:47, school starts at 7:15 and I had to be there by 7:00. I hit the snooze button, even though I’m pretty good at waking up. Normal kids hit the snooze button. I don’t take the bus. That would require unnecessary human contact which is really not my thing. I walk. I would prefer driving so that I could get to school a little faster and maybe run over some shit and junk while I’m at it, but I don’t have money. This sounds crazy, but it’s normal considering I don’t have to eat. Which is normal because the only working organ I have is my brain. My stomach is merely there so that I appear normal. I can’t really go around as a floating brain, that might turn heads. I would like everyone else to be just a brain though. Then, they wouldn’t have eyes to look at me or mouths to talk to me with. It would be much simpler that way.
Because I don’t have money, I live in an abandoned shack. It is not creepy I swear. It’s actually a pretty normal living space. I mean, it’s furnished and I keep it as clean as I can. I bet it’s a whole lot cleaner than most people’s houses.
But enough about my life, I need to get ready for school. I hastily made my bed, (not coffin, normal people sleep in beds) just because it was the normal thing to do. My parents aren’t around, they died a few decades ago, but if they were here, I’m sure they would yell at me like normal parents would about how I should make my bed. Then I would give the normal teenage rebuttal of “why make my bed if I’m just going to sleep in it again?” I actually think a coffin would be easier… I mean you just close the lid and you’re done. There’s no tucking or folding or anything.
When I finished making my bed I threw on jeans and a t-shirt and sprayed myself with some Axe that I snatched from the boy’s locker room. It helps cover up that ‘I just rolled out of bed and smell slightly of decay and/or rotting flesh smell. But I’m clean, so my flesh doesn’t rot all that much. My winter coat was thrown over a chair. I quickly slung it on. I didn’t get cold, my nerves were pretty much shot. I mean, I can feel when things touch me and all that, but I don’t feel the cold enough for it to make me want to put a coat on or anything. It’s more just so I look normal. One time I walked outside without my coat in the middle of a snowstorm and several people pulled over to ask me if I was homeless. Which I hated considering I don’t like talking to people. So to avoid unnecessary questions, I just wear my coat. I grabbed my bookbag next to the front door and headed outside. I always did my homework right when I got home and then packed everything away in my bag so it was ready to go the next morn- holy shit it’s bright.
I’m not sensitive to the sun or anything. I just find ridiculously obnoxious sunny days to be overwhelming. I much prefer cloudy days. Not because they’re depressing, but because they’re not bright.
The girl who lives down the street from me was walking to school as well. She waved at me. I ignored her. I was as rude to her as possible but she still never really took the hint. One time she brought a casserole over to my house. I answered the knock at my door to see her ridiculously smiling face as obnoxious as the sun itself, beaming at me. I told her I didn’t eat food, and even if I did I wouldn’t eat her food. She laughed. I slammed the door in her face and broke her nose. She still laughed. Probably because she’s one of those people who excuses mean people for being mean. Then they think all a mean person needs is a friend, then they will suddenly stop being mean. On the contrary. It’s the nice, pushy, creepy people who cause the mean people to be mean. And her laugh, oh my god. I contemplated ripping my ears off. Even to this day I can still hear her laugh reverberating in my head like a nightmare that haunts me even when I’m conscious. She still stood there on the other side of my door, laughing and bleeding profusely out of her nose, waiting for me to realize all I needed was a friend. I think she finally realized it was a good idea to go home when she started getting dizzy from blood loss. I could smell her blood from behind the door too. It smelled much more appetizing than her shitty casserole- what am I saying? I apologize for that abnormal statement.
So where was I? Oh yes. So this girl who is waving to me is now completely oblivious to an oncoming SUV. I don’t have super-enhanced sight or premonition, and even if I did, I wouldn’t even need them to notice the giant red, four wheeled vehicle flying up the road. Apparently, the waving girl did need enhanced senses to notice it because she just kept on waving. I could have saved her. The car was pretty far off and I could have easily walked over and pulled her onto the sidewalk. I could have also, with an equal amount of ease, shouted, “Hey you! Dumb casserole bitch! There’s an SUV coming right at your ignorant face!” But I didn’t. I simply wasn’t in the mood. Maybe if the sun wasn’t so bright, or her laugh wasn’t so annoying, or if her casserole wasn’t an imitation of a pile of dog shit. Actually, without all of those negative factors, I still do not think I would have saved her. Instead, I raised my hand to wave, smiling, because something fun was about to happen. She laughed her obnoxious laugh because I had finally waved back. Then she got annihilated. Today was going to be a good day.