This Is Not About Vampires

After school I found myself in my version of Hell. My version of Hell is other people. Other people gather at the mall. I was at the mall.

“Come on Tyler!” Ballah said, pushing me deeper into the inferno.

“I hate people, why did you bring me here?”

“I hate people too! That’s why we’re here!”

“Your logic is terribly flawed woman.”

Suddenly, a small growling creature pounced on my back. My run-ins with the self proclaimed vampire hunter taught me to always be prepared. I grabbed onto my attacker’s limbs and prepared to launch him over my head when Ballah giggled and exclaimed,

“Wolf Boy! You made it!”

I turned my head to find Wolf Boy’s face peering over my shoulder, grinning.

“Who invited him?” I said skeptically.

“I did!” Ballah cheered, “He’s going to hang out with us today.”

“Yey! Best friends!” Wolf Boy said bouncing off my back and landing on the ground. He began to run around in circles barking.

“Come here Wolf Boy!” Ballah said in that voice mothers use to talk to their babies. I never understood why they did that. If I was a baby and my mom talked to me like that, I would learn to call child services and get that psycho bitch committed.

Wolf Boy bounced over to Ballah, who patted him on the head.

“We’re going to play a game, would you like that?” Ballah asked.

Wolf Boy nodded vigorously.

I would not like that. I hated games. I easily turn The Game of Life into one regarding death because that is how much I hated games...

…Never mind, this game, I liked. For the past hour Ballah and I sicced Wolf Boy on unsuspecting pedestrians. When someone walked by that we wanted to attack, we stealthily weaved the codeword 'tenacious' into our conversation. Then, Wolf Boy would pounce in his feral fury.

“My mother’s spatula is soooo TENACIOUS!”

Wolf Boy mauled a small child.

“Oh my clavicle! I have a really TENACIOUS itch!”

Wolf Boy mauled an elderly woman.

“A pudgy bird flew by and pooped, the sound of the feces hitting pavement was wonderfully TENACIOUS!”

Wolf boy latched his teeth onto a man’s leg and allowed himself to be dragged along the floor. I laughed at the man’s frustration and physical pain as he tried, in vain, to shake the little delusional boy from his limb.

It was at this fun filled moment that the annoying mall music that no one can really hear anyway, stopped. A voice came over the loudspeaker, but the announcement was not about how the building was infested with spleen eating leeches or that a store was having bra sale (unfortunately- about the leeches, not the bras). The voice was all too familier, but even if you couldn’t recognize the voice, it wasn’t too hard to figure out who it was.

“Mwahaha-! Is this on? Yes? Okay… ahem. Mwahahaha! It is I, the self proclaimed vampire hunter!”

“Shit…” I grumbled.

“Shit…” Ballah growled.

“Grhhharrhhgglrah!” Wolf Boy said with a mouth full of man-calf.

“In this recreational mall-place of human joy, there are threats out there trying to desecrate it!”

The mall-goers looked up for a moment, I don’t know why; it’s a loudspeaker, no matter where you look, you’re not going to see who’s talking. So just stop peering upwards -you all look like turkeys. I hope it rains and you all drown.

“Among us,” The self proclaimed vampire hunter hissed dramatically, “are supernatural beings out to drink our blood and feast upon our flesh!”

The pedestrians’ short attention spans gave out at this point. They all began to return to their prior activities before they were interrupted by a psychopath with access to a PA.

“Where are you going?!” The self proclaimed vampire hunter cried, probably viewing the scene via security cameras, “In this mall there is a vampire! And a werewolf! They are here together and they are all planning your demise! Doom is upon us! Dooooooom!- Ah! What’re you doing? Stop! Get-”

There was a mad shuffling noise over the PA, and then a new voice came on.

“We apologize for that inconvenience, have a wonderful day shoppers!” Then the music returned.

“What?!” I heard another familiar voice. A girl in mismatched clothes came pushing through a crowd; she raised her finger at me and Wolf Boy. She looked on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“Vampires and werewolves can’t be friends!” She stated, horrified.

“Says who?” Ballah challenged, crossing her arms.

“Says the laws of the universe!” Mismatched girl said, bobbing her head around like some bad actor in a pre-teen TV series about angst filled characters and how the world didn’t appreciate their individuality.

“Well in my universe,” Wolf Boy defended, finally unclenching his jaws from the man’s trousers, “human flesh is a chew toy, your pillow is my toilet, and I can be friends with whoever I want!”

The mismatched girl was so upset the rules of her life were being re-written (and possibly that this boy had excreted on her pillow), her left eye began twitching, a thick sheen of sweat surfaced on her face-skin, and a bead of snot yo-yoed from her nose. She opened her mouth to continue arguing, but was interrupted.

A screaming and kicking self proclaimed vampire hunter was dragged across the floor by two security guards.

“No!” he shriekd, “Let me go! Let me go or you’ll all be killed! I am your only hope!”

The security guards were indifferent to his pleas. They continued dragging him away towards the exit until his cries could no longer be heard.

I took this momentary distraction to whisper something in Wolf Boy’s ear. He sprang, yelping, onto mismatched clothes girl. She flapped her arms around in panic and began sprinting in circles. Her emotionally mixture of fear, anger, and confusion was so great, she momentarily lost control of her bladder and peed herself. Ballah extended her leg, catching one of the mismatched girl’s individually yet unoriginally colored sneakers in mid step.

The girl crashed to the ground in a flurry of contrasting colors and urine, not very gracefully. Wolf Boy landed on his feet, gracefully. He giggled.

“Tenacious?” Ballah asked.

“Tenacious.” I nodded.

I guess malls weren’t too bad.