This Is Not About Vampires

Ballah and I slunk out of the detention room and headed for the school’s main doors. We were trying to be quiet, but the thought of Mrs. Graminsky rocking back and forth with a poppy seed bagel tied around her neck was too much, and every few steps we broke out into the giggles.

Right before we reached the doors, the loudspeaker began having a verbal seizure.

“Code red! Code red!” a nasally voice blared down the hallways. ‘Code red’ meant that the school was going into a lockdown. I think it would be pretty obvious to a school shooter or a rogue raccoon that ‘code red’ meant… well… ‘code red.’ Might as well just announce ‘intruder alert! All teachers lock your doors because there’s a harmful predator in the school!’

“Intruder alert! All teachers lock your doors because there’s a breakfast banshee in the school!” The nasally voice decided to blare, a little more specifically.

“Well,” Ballah snorted, “At least we know our school is aware of the serious threats that are breakfast banshees.”

“Mwahahahaha!” another voice echoed down the hallways. This voice was not from the loudspeaker and was all too familiar. Ballah and I turned around. But unlike the movies, our turn-around was not whip-like or dramatic; it was more peevish and half-assed. Behind us, the self proclaimed vampire hunter was wielding the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner that was strapped across his back.

“Vampire hunting ain’t working for you?” I asked, “I suppose becoming a janitor is a slight improvement.”

“Fool!” He screamed, jabbing his nozzle in my direction, “I will-”

He was cut off as the vacuum cleaner suddenly roared to life. He flailed around, slapping at the power switch until the vacuum shut off.

“Obey me savage beast!” He barked at the vacuum cleaner, “Now, where was I? Oh yes. I will find the breakfast banshee and properly capture it in my fortified ghost cylinder!”

“Dude,” Ballah said, “That’s a vacuum cleaner.”

“Silence!” He bellowed, “and face the wrath of my fortified ghost cylinder!”

The self proclaimed vampire hunter who was currently hunting a breakfast banshee turned on his fortified vacuum cleaner and ran at us like a jousting knight. Ballah took another toast-shaped paper weight out of her pocket and threw it. The fortification of the vacuum cleaner gave it the ability to suck… a lot. The paper weight was sucked out of midair and got caught on the nozzle due to its epic suction. The self proclaimed vampire hunter stopped running, mid charge.

“Damn you, you mockery of toast!” He shouted, trying to knock the paper weight off of his nozzle.

I grabbed Ballah by the elbow and began leading her towards the door. We watched as the vacuum cleaner began to implode under the pressure.

“I shouldn’t have put a hemi in this thing!” The self proclaimed vampire hunter said, now in panic. He tried in vain to un-strap himself from the fortified ghost cylinder, but he didn’t make it. The self proclaimed vampire hunter screamed, and then imploded completely. He was gone.

“Uh… what just happened?” I asked.

“I think he created a black hole…” Ballah whispered in awe. We both cautiously walked towards where our enemy had been standing a moment ago. In his place, was a tiny hole in space.

“Yup… a black hole.” Ballah verified her theory, “I got this though.”

She plucked a piece of gum out of her mouth and stuck it onto the black hole, plugging it.

“There! All better!” she exclaimed, “Now, let’s go work on our project!”

We went out to the parking lot, leaving the plugged black hole behind us.

“This is my car,” Ballah said, slapping a red SUV. There was a dent on the front of it. A dent that looked quite similar to the head of a girl I despised.

“Oh yeah,” Ballah said, noticing me noticing the Cathy-shaped dent in her vehicle, “I took out some weird waving girl who was standing in the middle of the street. I wanted to teach her a lesson that streets weren’t places to stand and wave in.”

“I appreciate your dedication to teaching the less intelligent.”

“Hey,” Ballah said, the idea she just had manifested itself into a smile, “Do you want to drive?”

I had never driven before, so I drove carefully with consideration that I was using Ballah’s vehicle. She didn’t think that was fun.

“You need to lighten up.” She said, flicking the voodoo doll swinging from the rearview mirror.

“I don’t want to hit anything with- wait a minute.” I felt around for the break pedal, but there was something large and rectangular in its place.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I had my break pedal removed and replaced with a panini maker."

I would probably appreciate the panini maker a lot more if I could actually eat and if I wasn’t currently operating a vehicle without a break. Whatever, I would just make the best of it.

“Left here,” Ballah instructed, “Now a right.”

I knew where we were. We were near my street. I could see in the distance a girl hobbling down the street on crutches.

“Look!” Ballah said, pointing at the crutches girl, “Go faster and move towards the edge of the street!”

I obeyed.

Right before we passed her, Ballah opened the passenger side door. It struck the girl on crutches with demi-god like force. Casserole flew everywhere.

“I like driving,” I said.

“You know what I like?” Ballah said, closing her door, “Paninis. Pass me one would you?”