This Is Not About Vampires

Mrs. Swank explained why her husband would not be joining us for lunch.

“He works from home,” She explained, taking a seat, “So he’s very busy on the weekends.”

“Oh, what kind of work does he do?” I asked, hoping his career was not detrimental to my health like Mrs. Swank’s.

“He’s a doctor,” Mrs. Swank said simply.

“Uh… he’s a stay at home doctor?”

“Yeah,” Ballah said helping herself to some Chupacabra, “He talks people through self-operations on the phone. Today he’s helping a woman rearrange the bones in her husband’s broken foot.”

Mrs. Swank leaned over and put a large piece of steaming meat onto my plate. I didn’t want to be rude, so I did my best to eat. I was lucky Cupacabras are bloodsucking creatures. My portion was saturated with the red liquid. I sucked daintily at my piece until it turned a pale grey. It was delicious.

“This is delicious!” I told Mrs. Swank, who way eyeing my eating habits deductively.

“Thank you Tyler! I’m glad you enjoyed sucking my goat sucker!”

“You don’t have to be polite…” Ballah told me, stabbing her chupacabra and eating it while it was skewered on her knife.

“So Mrs. Swank,” I said provoking conversation (and hopefully some information about her views on vampires), “How did you catch such a creature?”

“Well,” she smiled, flattered by the acknowledgment of her hunting abilities, “It was simple really. I heard from a farmer that one of his cows had been killed and sucked dry, so I used a bleeding rabbit as bait and waited for the chupacabra on the edge of the farm, near the forest. When it finally showed up, I sprung from my hiding place and stabbed it through the heart.”

She said this like how a soccer mom would re-tell her day of shipping children around.

“That’s very impressive,” I said, kind of nervously. Such a skilled hunter must have figured me out by now.

“It’s nothing!” Ballah argued, “I killed a Chimera with only a match and a gum wrapper!”

“Yes Ballah,” her mother scorned, “It was very resourceful of you, too bad you also started a forest fire in the process.”

“Hey!” Ballah said between chews, “I completed my objective didn’t I?”

Mrs. Swank turned to me, an inquisitive look in her eye. And this inquisitive look flew out of her inquisitive eye and hit me right in the face, metaphorically of course, so I didn’t feel anything. Her knife, on the other hand, I would have felt if Ballah had not leaped up and caught it.

“Mom!” Ballah snapped, “No throwing knives when I have friends over, it’s rude!”

“Ballah!” Mrs. Swank shouted, jumping out of her seat, “This boy is a vampire! Why do you always befriend the things we hunt?!”

“But he’s not a monster!”

Mrs. Swank probed me with her eyes. It tickled, but I refused to smile.

“Mrs. Swank,” I said charmingly, “Have I yet given you a reason to think I am dangerous?”

“You ran over my mailbox-”

“-Exactly!” I yelled, also jumping out of my chair, “a vampire wouldn’t run over a mailbox, he would suck blood out of it!”

“Ah, how can I be so foolish!” Mrs. Swank sighed and then laughed. She walked over to the fridge, “Let’s forget this happened and have desert!”

Ballah slammed her head on the table in shame, “I’m so sorry my mom is… her.”

Hm… From what I've seen, I’m pretty sure adolescents are supposed to be embarrassed by their parents. So this family lunch I am experiencing must be normal. This is great! Now I can safely say I understand the requirements for a normal household. I was pleased with myself for being able to fit so well into a normal social gathering.

Mrs. Swank set a cake down on the table. Runes of purification were drawn on it in icing. Instead of declining the food and raising suspicion, I threw the cake at Hubert, explaining I was just making sure he wasn’t possessed. Mrs. Swank was impressed. I think I won her over.