This Is Not About Vampires
I Hate Walking to the Nurse, Self Proclaimed Vampire Hunters, and not Having a Hall Pass
On the way to the nurse’s office I ran into someone I did not like. A boy jumped out in front of me from a closet, flailing a wooden stake. I stepped to the side just as the weapon whizzed by my face.
“I do not like you.” I stated blandly, and attempted to keep walking.
“No! I know what you are!” He screamed, a suddenly murderous light igniting in his eyes.
I kept going. This guy popped out at me from behind objects at least three times a day, so I was used to it. He wielded silver knives, flamethrowers, wooden stakes, and crucifixes. He was a self proclaimed vampire hunter-
“I am a self proclaimed vampire hunter!”
And he was trying to kill me.
“And I’m going to kill you!”
He ran after me, the stake held menacingly over his head. I spotted the hall monitor and walked over to him for protection.
“This guy is trying to kill me.” I pointed over my shoulder to the psychopath wielding the sharpened tree branch.
“Killing is strictly against school rules.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly, “Hey you! The kid with the stake! Stop trying to kill this abnormally pale guy right now!”
The self proclaimed vampire hunter dropped the stake, defeated by higher human authority.
“But, he’s a vampire! I was doing the human race a service!”
I just wanted to make it to the nurse so I could get on with my crappy day.
“I just want to make it to the nurse.” I explained to the hall monitor. “You see, I’m very ill. I didn’t eat breakfast and my organs have stopped working.”
“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly.
“Exactly” I lied, “This is why I need to make it to the nurse.”
“He can’t eat!” The self proclaimed vampire hunter shrieked, pointing a finger at me. “He’s undead!”
“Name calling is strictly against school rules.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly.
“Sorry.”
“I will escort you to the nurse, may I see your hall pass?” The hall monitor asked me, not matter-of-factly.
“Um, I don’t have one.”
I found myself being escorted to the principals office for not having a hall pass. I found this kind of ridiculous considering I’m getting in trouble and not the psychopath who was attempting to murder another student in the middle of the hallway.
“I find it kind of ridiculous considering I’m getting in trouble and not the psychopath who was attempting to murder another student in the middle of the hallway. And aren’t weapons worth at least a suspension?” I prodded the hall monitor.
“Well, he does that kind of thing all the time.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly. “I would probably take him to the principal if he was not trying to kill people, because this would make me nervous. And he can carry weapons because he’s psychotic. Psychotic people can have weapons because they don’t know what to do with them on account of them being psychotic. If one of us has a weapon, that would be dangerous, because we have the ability to rationally think to use the weapon.”
I could not argue with his perfect, matter-of-fact reasoning.
I sat in front of the principal’s desk.
“Why are you in here?” The principal asked in his gruff voice.
“Well,” I explained, “I didn’t have breakfast, my organs have shut down, and I tried to make it to the nurses office but I was attacked by a self proclaimed vampire hunter who is allowed to have weapons because he’s psychotic and I am not.”
The principal felt my forehead then sent me immediately to the nurse’s office. On the way there, the self proclaimed vampire hunter popped out of a locker and tried to decapitate me with the janitor’s hedge clippers.
“I do not like you.” I stated blandly, and attempted to keep walking.
“No! I know what you are!” He screamed, a suddenly murderous light igniting in his eyes.
I kept going. This guy popped out at me from behind objects at least three times a day, so I was used to it. He wielded silver knives, flamethrowers, wooden stakes, and crucifixes. He was a self proclaimed vampire hunter-
“I am a self proclaimed vampire hunter!”
And he was trying to kill me.
“And I’m going to kill you!”
He ran after me, the stake held menacingly over his head. I spotted the hall monitor and walked over to him for protection.
“This guy is trying to kill me.” I pointed over my shoulder to the psychopath wielding the sharpened tree branch.
“Killing is strictly against school rules.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly, “Hey you! The kid with the stake! Stop trying to kill this abnormally pale guy right now!”
The self proclaimed vampire hunter dropped the stake, defeated by higher human authority.
“But, he’s a vampire! I was doing the human race a service!”
I just wanted to make it to the nurse so I could get on with my crappy day.
“I just want to make it to the nurse.” I explained to the hall monitor. “You see, I’m very ill. I didn’t eat breakfast and my organs have stopped working.”
“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly.
“Exactly” I lied, “This is why I need to make it to the nurse.”
“He can’t eat!” The self proclaimed vampire hunter shrieked, pointing a finger at me. “He’s undead!”
“Name calling is strictly against school rules.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly.
“Sorry.”
“I will escort you to the nurse, may I see your hall pass?” The hall monitor asked me, not matter-of-factly.
“Um, I don’t have one.”
I found myself being escorted to the principals office for not having a hall pass. I found this kind of ridiculous considering I’m getting in trouble and not the psychopath who was attempting to murder another student in the middle of the hallway.
“I find it kind of ridiculous considering I’m getting in trouble and not the psychopath who was attempting to murder another student in the middle of the hallway. And aren’t weapons worth at least a suspension?” I prodded the hall monitor.
“Well, he does that kind of thing all the time.” The hall monitor stated matter-of-factly. “I would probably take him to the principal if he was not trying to kill people, because this would make me nervous. And he can carry weapons because he’s psychotic. Psychotic people can have weapons because they don’t know what to do with them on account of them being psychotic. If one of us has a weapon, that would be dangerous, because we have the ability to rationally think to use the weapon.”
I could not argue with his perfect, matter-of-fact reasoning.
I sat in front of the principal’s desk.
“Why are you in here?” The principal asked in his gruff voice.
“Well,” I explained, “I didn’t have breakfast, my organs have shut down, and I tried to make it to the nurses office but I was attacked by a self proclaimed vampire hunter who is allowed to have weapons because he’s psychotic and I am not.”
The principal felt my forehead then sent me immediately to the nurse’s office. On the way there, the self proclaimed vampire hunter popped out of a locker and tried to decapitate me with the janitor’s hedge clippers.