This Is Not About Vampires
I Hate School Nurses, Spelling the Word 'Tenacious', and People Breathing on my Face
The nurse was a very by-the-book woman who wore the same crumpled expression on her face at all times. She ran back and forth, looking busy and making herself seem more important than she actually was. She’s a school nurse, so ninety percent of the kids who go to her are faking to get out of a test. The other ten percent are the nerds who would never lie about being ill to get out of a test, but do not have to lie about being beaten by the people who do lie to get out of tests. It’s a caste system. Respect it.
“What are you here for?” She asked, trying to look busy restocking the fridge with ice packs, “I’m busy.”
No she wasn’t.
“I didn’t eat breakfast and my organs don’t function.” I was getting tired of reiterating my life story all day. I had already talked to four people today. That’s four more than I would like to talk to in a day. And it was only 7:30.
“Are you faking?” She asked, “Because I’m very busy.”
No she wasn’t.
“I’m not faking, my organs really don’t work.” I wasn’t faking, I felt fine, but my organs really didn’t work. Therefore I was telling the truth. No one actually asked me how I felt, and until they do, I’m not going to tell them.
“You better eat something then if you haven’t had any breakfast.”
“I don’t eat.”
“Then what do you want me to do?! I’m very busy-” No she wasn’t “-and in you come, complaining you didn’t have breakfast, but then you tell me you don’t eat!”
She was getting peeved; she didn’t like it when people interrupted her when she was trying to act busy.
“Then I must be delirious.” I suggested. I was not ready to go to class yet. There would be people there.
“Why do you say that?” The nurse asked as she tried to look busy writing something at her desk. I saw she was just writing the word ‘tenacious’ over and over. She wasn’t busy, just trying to remember how to spell ‘tenacious.’
“I must be delirious, otherwise why would I complain about not eating breakfast then decline breakfast when it is offered to me? Pure delirium. A sane person would eat the breakfast.”
“Well…”
The woman was giving me a skeptical look. I needed to prove my illness.
“Would a sane person do this?”
I punched the school nurse, right in the left boob. She shrieked.
“If you weren’t delirious, I would call the principal! You’re obviously very ill, please, lie down and get some rest.”
School nurses can’t really actually do much. Their ‘one cure fits all’ is bed rest. If you don’t have something that can by cured by bed rest, you were out of luck. Physical injuries, blindness, heart attacks, all of them were combated by bed rest if you thought with the logic of a school nurse. We don’t even need school nurses, just some person to point us to a bed when we weren’t feeling one hundred percent.
I’m not complaining though. When you lie down, people don’t talk to you. I lay in the nurse’s office through first period. When she asked if I was alright, I told her I was still delirious and threw a chair at her to prove it. She told me I should rest more.
I was peacefully snoozing when I had a feeling of impending doom. Well, it was more of a feeling of someone breathing on my face. I considered just laying there and ignoring it, but when a psychopath was constantly trying to take your life, you really couldn’t ignore things like that.
I opened one eye to see the self proclaimed vampire hunter standing above me with a syringe.
“Nurse!” I yelled.
The self proclaimed vampire hunter dove into the bed next to me and pretended to be asleep.
The nurse came running in. “What is it! I’m busy!”
No she fucking wasn’t.
“That boy is trying to kill me.” I said, pointing at the self proclaimed vampire hunter.
“No! That boy is here with the sniffles! You’re still delirious, you should go back to sleep,” She reasoned.
“No, I’m cured, the sleep healed me.”
There’s nothing a school nurse would like to hear more than her treatment being a success.
“I told you it would! Now you can go back to class!”
“That boy,” I said pointing to the self proclaimed vampire hunter, “is a psycho. And no amount of sleep or breakfast will change that.”
I then exited the nurse’s office. She was glad I left. She could finally go back to pretending to be busy and learning how to spell ‘tenacious’.
“What are you here for?” She asked, trying to look busy restocking the fridge with ice packs, “I’m busy.”
No she wasn’t.
“I didn’t eat breakfast and my organs don’t function.” I was getting tired of reiterating my life story all day. I had already talked to four people today. That’s four more than I would like to talk to in a day. And it was only 7:30.
“Are you faking?” She asked, “Because I’m very busy.”
No she wasn’t.
“I’m not faking, my organs really don’t work.” I wasn’t faking, I felt fine, but my organs really didn’t work. Therefore I was telling the truth. No one actually asked me how I felt, and until they do, I’m not going to tell them.
“You better eat something then if you haven’t had any breakfast.”
“I don’t eat.”
“Then what do you want me to do?! I’m very busy-” No she wasn’t “-and in you come, complaining you didn’t have breakfast, but then you tell me you don’t eat!”
She was getting peeved; she didn’t like it when people interrupted her when she was trying to act busy.
“Then I must be delirious.” I suggested. I was not ready to go to class yet. There would be people there.
“Why do you say that?” The nurse asked as she tried to look busy writing something at her desk. I saw she was just writing the word ‘tenacious’ over and over. She wasn’t busy, just trying to remember how to spell ‘tenacious.’
“I must be delirious, otherwise why would I complain about not eating breakfast then decline breakfast when it is offered to me? Pure delirium. A sane person would eat the breakfast.”
“Well…”
The woman was giving me a skeptical look. I needed to prove my illness.
“Would a sane person do this?”
I punched the school nurse, right in the left boob. She shrieked.
“If you weren’t delirious, I would call the principal! You’re obviously very ill, please, lie down and get some rest.”
School nurses can’t really actually do much. Their ‘one cure fits all’ is bed rest. If you don’t have something that can by cured by bed rest, you were out of luck. Physical injuries, blindness, heart attacks, all of them were combated by bed rest if you thought with the logic of a school nurse. We don’t even need school nurses, just some person to point us to a bed when we weren’t feeling one hundred percent.
I’m not complaining though. When you lie down, people don’t talk to you. I lay in the nurse’s office through first period. When she asked if I was alright, I told her I was still delirious and threw a chair at her to prove it. She told me I should rest more.
I was peacefully snoozing when I had a feeling of impending doom. Well, it was more of a feeling of someone breathing on my face. I considered just laying there and ignoring it, but when a psychopath was constantly trying to take your life, you really couldn’t ignore things like that.
I opened one eye to see the self proclaimed vampire hunter standing above me with a syringe.
“Nurse!” I yelled.
The self proclaimed vampire hunter dove into the bed next to me and pretended to be asleep.
The nurse came running in. “What is it! I’m busy!”
No she fucking wasn’t.
“That boy is trying to kill me.” I said, pointing at the self proclaimed vampire hunter.
“No! That boy is here with the sniffles! You’re still delirious, you should go back to sleep,” She reasoned.
“No, I’m cured, the sleep healed me.”
There’s nothing a school nurse would like to hear more than her treatment being a success.
“I told you it would! Now you can go back to class!”
“That boy,” I said pointing to the self proclaimed vampire hunter, “is a psycho. And no amount of sleep or breakfast will change that.”
I then exited the nurse’s office. She was glad I left. She could finally go back to pretending to be busy and learning how to spell ‘tenacious’.