Addict: Setting the World on Fire
Entry 17
Dear Someone,
Dear, dear Someone,
Have you ever attempted suicide? Have you ever thought about it? What is powerful enough to override the natural will to survive that is engraved in all living things? Where the fuck did they get the word ‘suicide’ from, even?
I’ve attempted suicide before, twice. Once with a knife, the second with pills. The cut wasn’t deep enough, and I had too little of an amount of pills. And I’ve played with the thought of it too many times before. Cut my wrists until I’m just at that vein, so I can see it, purple-blue, clear as day. Then I simply decide, no, not yet.
There’s going to be a third attempt soon, though. But I know it won’t work. It never has in the past. I’m afraid to die. No, I’m afraid of what happens after I die. Nothing, or heaven and hell? I would resort back to religion to ‘ensure’ my place, if there is a heaven, but you have to honestly believe to get that ticket. If I never believed in the first place, then I am incapable of true faith as a whole. For the rest of my life. Fuck.
I won’t take anti-depressants. No no no no. Yess yes. NO. no no no no no. yes. Sick, child, so sick sick sick. Beautifully insaine. Insain. Sain. Sick. Insain and Siiiiiiick. So sick sick sick. Can’t be fixed. no no no. Not fixing this one, bob. Little pieces. Everywhere. Mommy can I got to sleep now? Goodnight, I won’t be waking up. No no no. No anti-depressants. no no no. I can take care care care of myself. Don’t need you. Who are you? Sain. NOT anymore. Insain and very very sick. Sain died. He is dead. hanging from hooks with his insides ripped out and hanging and blood dripping dripping dripping. No no no, Sain. Why are you gone? Come back, please. Darkie, come back please please please. Stop hanging. Please come down down. Darkie? Sain? Why aren’t you moving? No no no. Please don’t be so still. Wake up, wake up, please.
Solider, baby. No. You are the strong one. OFF the bathroom floor. We’ll clean your wrists. Please. no no no. Cricketed? The Dark One? Solider? i?
No no no. Calm down. There’s been an accident. Bleed the heart that has no amount. These suffocating blues and breathing reds mean nothing to me. It won’t be long until I’m dead.
Dear, dear Someone,
Have you ever attempted suicide? Have you ever thought about it? What is powerful enough to override the natural will to survive that is engraved in all living things? Where the fuck did they get the word ‘suicide’ from, even?
I’ve attempted suicide before, twice. Once with a knife, the second with pills. The cut wasn’t deep enough, and I had too little of an amount of pills. And I’ve played with the thought of it too many times before. Cut my wrists until I’m just at that vein, so I can see it, purple-blue, clear as day. Then I simply decide, no, not yet.
There’s going to be a third attempt soon, though. But I know it won’t work. It never has in the past. I’m afraid to die. No, I’m afraid of what happens after I die. Nothing, or heaven and hell? I would resort back to religion to ‘ensure’ my place, if there is a heaven, but you have to honestly believe to get that ticket. If I never believed in the first place, then I am incapable of true faith as a whole. For the rest of my life. Fuck.
I won’t take anti-depressants. No no no no. Yess yes. NO. no no no no no. yes. Sick, child, so sick sick sick. Beautifully insaine. Insain. Sain. Sick. Insain and Siiiiiiick. So sick sick sick. Can’t be fixed. no no no. Not fixing this one, bob. Little pieces. Everywhere. Mommy can I got to sleep now? Goodnight, I won’t be waking up. No no no. No anti-depressants. no no no. I can take care care care of myself. Don’t need you. Who are you? Sain. NOT anymore. Insain and very very sick. Sain died. He is dead. hanging from hooks with his insides ripped out and hanging and blood dripping dripping dripping. No no no, Sain. Why are you gone? Come back, please. Darkie, come back please please please. Stop hanging. Please come down down. Darkie? Sain? Why aren’t you moving? No no no. Please don’t be so still. Wake up, wake up, please.
Solider, baby. No. You are the strong one. OFF the bathroom floor. We’ll clean your wrists. Please. no no no. Cricketed? The Dark One? Solider? i?
No no no. Calm down. There’s been an accident. Bleed the heart that has no amount. These suffocating blues and breathing reds mean nothing to me. It won’t be long until I’m dead.