Addict: Setting the World on Fire
Entry 3
Dear Someone,
Can you feel? Do you have emotions? How do you know what an emotion is, exactly? Does an emotion differ from our normal feelings, or are we driven and filled to the brim with emotions? What would we be like without emotions? Someone, what does intimacy feel like? Is it awkward, or does it simply fit?
Someone, is love suppose to hurt more than it does heal?
I am only 15, but I still worry, Someone. I’m afraid that I’ll meet a great guy and I’ll fall in love with him, but he not with me. I’m afraid he won’t love me because of who I am, how I think, and what I’ve done. I’m tired, Someone, I’m tired. So tired of being hurt and scared and walled in by my own defenses. I think that’s why I like to destroy things so much. Do unto others before they do unto me.
You build walls. Tall, unbreakable walls. At first you’re proud of your walls. You scream “Fuck you” from behind your walls to those who try to hurt you. But you’re all alone within your walls. In the shadow cast by your towering, strong walls, you begin to hurt yourself because there’s no one to stop you. They’re all blocked out by your big strong walls. And you’re left a prisoner in your own prison.
Someone, someone once told me love is just a big chance. I took that chance and I lost. Someone, I hurt myself so my walls can get stronger, so that when difficulties arise I can say “Oh, been there, done that.” I hurt myself, someone, I hurt myself. I think I’ve hurt myself to the point I don’t really feel. I hurt myself, Someone. And I’m tired, tired.
So tired.
Can you feel? Do you have emotions? How do you know what an emotion is, exactly? Does an emotion differ from our normal feelings, or are we driven and filled to the brim with emotions? What would we be like without emotions? Someone, what does intimacy feel like? Is it awkward, or does it simply fit?
Someone, is love suppose to hurt more than it does heal?
I am only 15, but I still worry, Someone. I’m afraid that I’ll meet a great guy and I’ll fall in love with him, but he not with me. I’m afraid he won’t love me because of who I am, how I think, and what I’ve done. I’m tired, Someone, I’m tired. So tired of being hurt and scared and walled in by my own defenses. I think that’s why I like to destroy things so much. Do unto others before they do unto me.
You build walls. Tall, unbreakable walls. At first you’re proud of your walls. You scream “Fuck you” from behind your walls to those who try to hurt you. But you’re all alone within your walls. In the shadow cast by your towering, strong walls, you begin to hurt yourself because there’s no one to stop you. They’re all blocked out by your big strong walls. And you’re left a prisoner in your own prison.
Someone, someone once told me love is just a big chance. I took that chance and I lost. Someone, I hurt myself so my walls can get stronger, so that when difficulties arise I can say “Oh, been there, done that.” I hurt myself, someone, I hurt myself. I think I’ve hurt myself to the point I don’t really feel. I hurt myself, Someone. And I’m tired, tired.
So tired.